If you were to ask me 1 year ago if I ever thought in my life I would be in the current situation I am in with my wife, I would have told you not a chance ever. I can imagine most members of this site would have had the same answer. I have been lurking a little over a month or so. I feel like I know so many of you already because I am constantly on this website all day trying to find clues or answers. I am going to try to make this as brief as possible without missing any main points of my situation. I could make this thing 10 pages easily but I will spare all of you. If anyone has any questions please ask and I will clarify as best I can.
We are both 30 years old, high school sweethearts, together 14 years, married 5, No kids. First real relationship for both of us. Marriage for the first 4 years was great, we traveled a lot, went out on a lot of dates, got closer to our friends, and spent lots of time with family. We were best friends, inseparable. Never really had any arguments or fighting. Maybe a small disagreement here or there. Nothing major. We work together but I also have another job that is demanding. The last year the stress of working together became a bigger issue and started causing problems with us, albeit smaller issues that I and I doubt she thought were causing as much damage to our marriage as it did. We were not the best with communicating our issues which I have now learned through my recent expanding knowledge on marriage issues. We both swept things under the rug thinking it was best for each other. I started to look for a new job a little over a year ago. I am in the process of being hired but this process is extremely slow and also stressful.
Beginning of November wife is getting depressed which is normal because her birthday was coming up which causes her to be depressed (she has anxiety, maybe mild depression) I notice and ask her about it through text message and she says shes depressed, a lot on her mind and our relationship is the main thing. I ask her how I can help her she responds you cant, and we'll talk later. I come home from work two days later and I know she is not happy so I do my best to make her happy and try to communicate whats going on with her when I get the BD, ILYBINILWY. I break down, we both cry, hug, and hold each other. The way shes speaking I knew she is serious about this and shes already talking as if this is the end. She leaves that day for work and never came home. She started staying at her parents and came every couple days to grab clothes or items while I am not there. We have met up quite a few times through November-now. A couple times we have met for dinners, she came over and we watched a movie once, sports game at her families house, lunches, and still see each other limited at work. During one of the times we met in December she says she does not think we should be together. I told her she needs to be positive in this that it will forever change both of our lives. She still says we should not be together. I did the usual begging, pleading, crying, bargaining probably more then I care to admit. I have also had two or three anxiety/panic attacks. A day after she told me she did not want to be together she says maybe she has a mental disorder. A couple close family members are Bipolor, depression, etc. I tell her don't make any marriage plans yet, lets get you taken care of first if that is an issue it could be causing you to think our marriage is the problem when its some thing else. I found her a therapist she has gone a couple times and the therapist says her depression is situational and agrees that she should not be married anymore. So she stopped going to therapy and this therapist sealed the deal for her.
We have both moved out of our rental home, I could not afford it on my own. She would go there while I am at work and take things out slowly. We have limited communication, mostly through text messages, she has called me very few times since she left. In the beginning we texted often and started I slowly pulling back. I have noticed when I pull back and don't reach out to her she notices, sends me a couple texts, followed by "lets meet and catch up" I agree we see each other. I try to re-engage and she goes cold again on me. She would and still has recently sent me texts "thinking about you, hope your safe" or some thing along those lines, that is usually when I don't respond for 24 hours give or take and once I do she responds quickly and leads to "lets meet up" scenarios. She tells she does not hate me, she doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, I am still her best friend, we just no longer work as a couple, wants this end peacefully as possible and so on.
As for the worst news. One night I was worrying about her and out of desperation decided to check her phone record online to see activity that she was safe. She was out for the weekend with friends going to a club then a hotel, this was planned before the separation. I found a phone call to a mutual friend of ours in the very early hours of the morning, and an hour later another one. Both of these calls placed by her and were only 5 minute phone calls. I could not believe it at the time, and honestly It is still hard to believe. The next day I started digging through the last year worth of phone records, they have had a spike in calls in the last 6 months, which my wife says she's felt this way for 6 months. I work a 48 hour shift once a week, many of the times I am gone there has been phone calls in the middle of the night, usually only a few minutes long. After separation these phone calls spiked again. There has been early morning (3:00AM) calls as recent as last week that last 5 minutes. The majority of these calls are only a few minutes. One of the times we met for dinner, probably together 2 hours, I left thinking she still has feelings for me, as soon as she got into her car she called him and they talked for 5 minutes. He is also a co-worker of hers and I once had a suspicion about an interaction they had once which she shot down, and I trust my wife more than anyone else on this planet so I believed her and thought it was just me. I do have a few other small pieces of evidence but nothing concrete enough as of yet. But the bigger piece of evidence is my gut feeling.
As of right now we have no lawyers and have not started any divorce processes. I told her if that is what she wants then she will have to be the one to do it. I am not doing it. I realize I have done things that were not the best for our marriage but I never did things intentionally, I worked 2-3 jobs at a time, did not put our marriage before my work. I was not good at expressing love in her own love language, which hurts me because I love her more than she will ever imagine. All marriages have ups and downs, I thought our down was temporary because of stress and our marriage would hold us together, my mistake, I now know it takes more than being married to keep a marriage lasting and loving, unfortunately it may be too late. I begged and pleaded with my wife, told her I would do anything, marriage counselling, quit all my jobs and get a new one, move to a new home and start over. My wife is not open to any of these ideas right now. I believe she may possibly attend marriage counselling I am pretty sure I can talk her into it. She did agree that we could see the priest that married us at one point, not sure if she is still willing to do that. I feel hopeless, I love and care about her more than she will ever know. My biggest fear is loosing her. We have created so many great memories together and shared a huge history together, I find it very hard that she would throw it all away so easily, and I am hurt that she is not willing to fight for our marriage. She basically told me there is a problem, and walked. I am losing my wife, as well as my best friend.
I cant think of any other major thing I would like to add to this. Like I said earlier any questions please feel free to ask I will do my best to answer timely. Sorry for any errors as I am making this on my phone.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, forgot to add, I have read DR and a few other books. As well as lots of research online and catching up on other peoples situations here throughout the day. Sometimes it gives me hope and others I see my situation could be way worse or better.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I do have a few other small pieces of evidence but nothing concrete enough as of yet. But the bigger piece of evidence is my gut feeling.
Hi, NGUChip! Sorry you are in the place you are. But you've to a great place with some great people.
Gut feelings are more often correct than not. Like you, I had the smaller bits of evidence, phone records, etc. Getting absolute proof is hard at times, and others they will slip up. Some have gotten a PI, some have put recorders in cars, etc. There are ways if you are willing to go that route - but be forewarned, you may not like what you find. However, some will say its a peace of mind.
Quote:
My biggest fear is loosing her. We have created so many great memories together and shared a huge history together, I find it very hard that she would throw it all away so easily, and I am hurt that she is not willing to fight for our marriage. She basically told me there is a problem, and walked. I am losing my wife, as well as my best friend.
That was my biggest fear. Until I came to the painful realization that mine was already lost and on her own road - something which started long before BD. As with you, mine was also my best friend. By far.
I never thought I'd be able to make it as far as I have. If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have anything to do with her, period. It's deteriorated that much. I'm not going to blow smoke and say it will be easy. It will be the hardest thing you do in your life. But, now this time is for you. I know this isn't what you want to hear now, but you need to adopt the mindset of her never have been in your life. Dwelling on the past/memories/etc., is counterproductive and will make it much harder for you to get back on your feet. Ask me how I know.
You got this! Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I do have a few other small pieces of evidence but nothing concrete enough as of yet. But the bigger piece of evidence is my gut feeling.
Hi, NGUChip! Sorry you are in the place you are. But you've to a great place with some great people.
Gut feelings are more often correct than not. Like you, I had the smaller bits of evidence, phone records, etc. Getting absolute proof is hard at times, and others they will slip up. Some have gotten a PI, some have put recorders in cars, etc. There are ways if you are willing to go that route - but be forewarned, you may not like what you find. However, some will say its a peace of mind.
Seriously, the feeling drops me. It will be hard to gain some thing concrete because if it became public it would cause a great deal of trouble for them both. I have some other really good evidence as well. I dont feel comfortable posting here.
Quote:
My biggest fear is loosing her. We have created so many great memories together and shared a huge history together, I find it very hard that she would throw it all away so easily, and I am hurt that she is not willing to fight for our marriage. She basically told me there is a problem, and walked. I am losing my wife, as well as my best friend.
That was my biggest fear. Until I came to the painful realization that mine was already lost and on her own road - something which started long before BD. As with you, mine was also my best friend. By far.
I never thought I'd be able to make it as far as I have. If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have anything to do with her, period. It's deteriorated that much. I'm not going to blow smoke and say it will be easy. It will be the hardest thing you do in your life. But, now this time is for you. I know this isn't what you want to hear now, but you need to adopt the mindset of her never have been in your life. Dwelling on the past/memories/etc., is counterproductive and will make it much harder for you to get back on your feet. Ask me how I know.
You got this! Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
I already know its not easy at all. I will say this is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life, and I have dealt with some pretty terrible stuff as well. I try to explain my situation to people and the only way I can is by telling them it feels as if she has died, but with death there is no choice, shes making this choice, so in a way it hurts even more, if that makes sense.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/23/1703:07 PM. Reason: fix quote
It is time for you to move forward. Please notice that I said move forward, not move on. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best NGUChip that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
. I will say this is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life, and I have dealt with some pretty terrible stuff as well. I try to explain my situation to people and the only way I can is by telling them it feels as if she has died, but with death there is no choice, shes making this choice, so in a way it hurts even more, if that makes sense
I've used that same analogy, too. And, yes it does make sense. Now is the time to gather your wagons and circle them. It took me a long, long time to realize things, and even longer to be able to stand amidst the incoming. I know you don't believe it, but there is sunshine over the mountain, my friend. Believe in yourself.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well today has been terrible. Talked to wife, she reinforced that its over. I feel like a complete failure. If only she could see whats in my heart for her she may reconsider. The hardest part i have is when to know when to give up.
Dont believe anything she says. Shes confused. Stop talking to her about your relationship. Consider divorce/separated support groups. Find a support group besides virtually.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
