Friday, my wife told me although she loves me she doesn't want to be with me anymore and she's sure it's over. We had a similar discussion a week ago and she agreed to give it some time to see if it works out. I think I tried to hard this week and it pushed her away. She describes it as being emotionally checked out she claims the things I've done in the past are too hurtful for her to get over. We have been together for 13 years and this July would have been our 7 year wedding anniversary. I was unfaithful repeatedly in the beginning. But we had a separation 3 years ago and after that I appreciated her a lot more. I have spent the time since trying to prove my loyalty. But the last 2 years it has been her that has been repeatedly unfaithful. I feel like I deserve this. But I still want to keep my marriage. After all that we should just call it quits some may but I think otherwise. She stuck by my side when I wasn't sure and I think this is a process she is going Thru inside herself and I should stick by her side as she did for me.
For the last week and I've been in supermen mode sending her love notes, doing sweet things for her and trying I guess in a way overtrying to compensate for her loss of love. Safe to say it has all backfired.
We have 2 girls together and I have one son who is 14 from a previous relationship. Who lived with us and she helped raise all his life. Recently (September) he has decided that he wanted to run away and be with his bio mom. He no longer calls my wife Mom anymore like he did and he acts like she didn't take a big part in raising him. We are going Thru custody battles to get him back but we fear because of his age (14) that the courts will listen to where he wants to live.
After our talked I asked her if I could stay for a few weeks to get my affairs in order and find an apartment but I think I'm just trying to buy some time. As of now we are still living in the same house even sleeping in the same bed. I promised I would stop leaving love letters and stop trying to fix things. Stop asking for kisses and hugs. Give up hope basically. After reading 100 articles on how to save my marriage I believe the best approach is not to try to save it at all. I'm not longer going to try to convince her to change her and create some distance and "be the man I want to be". Stop wearing my wedding ring and stop being her safety net. Detach completely but politely because there are kids involved that we still haven't sat down and talked to. But it's scary and it's hard. I don't want to push her away. My ultimate goal is to be married forever. I know I messed up bad.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm so confused right now. And I can take honestly I know my behavior in the past pushed her to act this way. But I'm still in love with her.
While waiting for DB to allow me to post she sent me a texts saying she hates this and she always wanted us to be together and saw a future with us and now she doesn't know anything anymore. I didn't get upset I told her she needs to figure out what she wants in life and I need to move on... but I want my wife back. I'm so confused.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
While waiting for DB to allow me to post she sent me a texts saying she hates this and she always wanted us to be together and saw a future with us and now she doesn't know anything anymore. I didn't get upset I told her she needs to figure out what she wants in life and I need to move on... but I want my wife back. I'm so confused.
Hello Idontno,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
If your wife wants to end the marriage, why are you considering moving to an apartment? Focus on being the best Idontno and Dad that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your kids.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Ty Cadet for the much appreciated reading material. It's definitely a huge help trying to navigate thru this trying time. I have been working my hardest at GAL and this is 5 days into detaching. The hardest part is knowing how to respond when she tries to bait me into a argument. I've tried to be the perfect caring husband the entire time we have been together. Now I have been going it of my way to stay busy. I don't say goodbye when I leave. Although we still share a bed we sleep on opposite sides and it's so hard. Many times I just want to hold her but I know that would be starting all over again. And I haven't told her I loved her in days. She hasn't mentioned it so she more then likely doesn't care
To christy I'm am too nice. My father gives me the same advice about not leaving. I have been actively making changes to myself actually applied to go back to school today. It hurts because I used to share everything with her and now I'm pulling away.
Her new thing is wondering why I don't want to be friends with her. I am trying to be polite and cool but I want to scream you fired me from being your husband. You don't see a future with me. You expect me just to be okay with just being friends and I'm not at all. Is there a diplomatic way to say that without sounding like I'm giving her an ultimatum.
Is it normal during detaching for me to still want her. I crave affection. I know she is giving me time. Which is a gift, but a curse as well because it's not the time I'm used to. I'm hanging in there tho. These articles and guidelines really help in a pinch to keep me focused.
How do I know when she is ready to commit to us again. I'm not expecting it again but how will I know when the time is right?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
good luck i am in a similar situation . wife is moving out in 3 days . i just told her to wait on filing for divorce and see what time apart does to us.
Make sure that these changes are for YOU and not an attempt to win her back. Because, if you are doing these things in an attempt and the outcome is not what you want, then you'll see much resent - to her and, even worse, toward yourself. Ask me how I know.
Quote:
How do I know when she is ready to commit to us again. I'm not expecting it again but how will I know when the time is right?
When she actually comes out and SAYS it. If she doesn't, then she isn't.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Although I've been reading all the rules I have backsliding. Trying to get affection from my wife. Just as soon as I thought I was making progress. It's so hard still sharing a bed together to not want to reach out and touch her
I've told her tonight that I'm not interested in being friends in a polite way and shw was trying to pick a fight with me about it which I avoided then I go and try to cuddle and touch my wife while we are sleeping. Another room or the couch isn't an option in our house. I don't want the kids to know but I struggle with detaching I miss her affection. I need to be strong but this is hard.
I plan to wake up in the morning with a positive attitude. We both have the day off so I will try my hardest to avoid spending any time with her in this house and do my own thing.
To christy I'm am too nice. My father gives me the same advice about not leaving. I have been actively making changes to myself actually applied to go back to school today. It hurts because I used to share everything with her and now I'm pulling away.
Her new thing is wondering why I don't want to be friends with her. I am trying to be polite and cool but I want to scream you fired me from being your husband. You don't see a future with me. You expect me just to be okay with just being friends and I'm not at all. Is there a diplomatic way to say that without sounding like I'm giving her an ultimatum.
Hello Idontno,
Congrats on applying to go back to school! Great news and good luck!
Her wanting you in the friend zone is cake eating on her part. You are so smart to recognize that this is a boundary for you. There is a difference between being friends and being friendly/neighborly. Yes, there are diplomatic ways of saying this without giving her an ultimatum.
I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
