My first post: Hurting/scared

[Gordie]

Read DR cover to cover, even the parts you don't think apply and then read it again. When you read the chapter on goals, post again with a new set of goals as DR has a specific recommendation on goals.

[Alaska8]

Jeep,
Man you're so right. While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.
So I broke down again and asked her to please tell me if there is someone else: I was calm and told her I really needed to know. My S is having shoulder surgery tmrw morning to repair a broken collarbone and she's off traveling for work. She should be here for this, and I know that if she weren't in this fog, she would be. My kids know what's going on because they asked me. I told them the truth, that moms not herself right, that she's confused and needs time and space from me to figure things out.
Anyway, I asked her straightforwardly if there were someone else. This was her response verbatim.
"There is no one else, I know what I want one day but it's not now. Right now it's about exploring things in my life I never had the chance to do. I've always had limits in my life while working my soul out and never really asking for anything. I lost my spirit with you because I waited so long for you to give me what was only just a thought in your head and to me "the thought that counts" just isn't enough anymore. I still have love for you and believe with all my heart that you are The Greatest Dad. That is the best thing I can give my children. Are things going to be different? Yes. Do you need to leave? No."
Ive told her in the past that I couldn't stay if there were someone else.
It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end.
I felt I needed to know the truth, as well, to know how to proceed in my db'ing.
Ias I've seen in the past she responds to me being cheery, letting her have space and being responsive when she wants to talk.
I think I'm going to take Sandi's advice for LBS's whose W's aren't having an A. It seems she wants her independence more than anything else.
In my head I've also stated to plan out how I could move back home and start a new life there. My kids both want to be with me if it comes down to that.
But for now I'm gonna continue working out, working, spending time with my kids, concentrating on me and letting her have her space.
She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.
Thanks Jeep for your response.
I go on and on.. it feels good to let it out here.
AK8

[Dawgs]

How are you today, Alaska?

While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.

I know how you feel. Even though I was busy at work, the second I get them it makes the pain go away. It gets a little easier as time goes and one day, you'll be standing strong enough to look back without slipping.

I'm glad that you told them the truth. Never, never lie about that. Never. Even if you have to keep things out, never lie. And never talk bad about the mom.

It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end.

I did the same exact thing. I asked when my gut was telling me so but without proof, and she vehemently denied. Until the smallest of slip ups that one of my children don't know they caught. And there was the whole deal that the OM's wife sent me. I'm telling you this because they will lie while looking you in the eye. Mine was so good at it and so convincing, that she had me believing I was making stuff up. Now, I don't trust a thing she says. Yours may very well be not having an affair, or did have one, or whatever. Is it important in the grand scheme of things? Not totally, but its just part of the issue.

She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.

I'd say go to the hockey game. But go with absolutely not expectations. None. Try to keep your feelings out of it. You saying that she knows your son isn't happy tells me that this "family time" may be nothing more than an attempt to buy favor with them. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. My ex does the same at times, well not any more. She just buys them sh*t all the time. ALL OF THE TIME.

You are welcome, sir. I try to help - some say my advice isn't with the norm on here, but mine is based on my experiences - as is every one else's. I answer because I know exactly how you feel.

You are doing just fine. Concentrate on the kids. They are your number one. Nothing else.

[Gordie]

***While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.***

Awesome ...be there for your kids, they need you more than ever!

***My S is having shoulder surgery tmrw morning to repair a broken collarbone and she's off traveling for work. She should be here for this, and I know that if she weren't in this fog, she would be. My kids know what's going on because they asked me. I told them the truth, that moms not herself right, that she's confused and needs time and space from me to figure things out.***

Wow, that is an awesome response. I will keep that in my back pocket for future use.

***Anyway, I asked her straightforwardly if there were someone else. This was her response verbatim.
"There is no one else, I know what I want one day but it's not now.***

What/who does she want one day? Does she have someone in mind?

***Right now it's about exploring things in my life I never had the chance to do.***

Like what? Sexually? Socially? Professionally? Spiritually? Sounds like MLC.

***I've always had limits in my life while working my soul out and never really asking for anything.***

What limits? Never really asking for anything, like what? Sounds like MLC.

***I lost my spirit with you because I waited so long for you to give me what was only just a thought in your head and to me "the thought that counts" just isn't enough anymore.***

What does this mean?

***I still have love for you and believe with all my heart that you are The Greatest Dad. That is the best thing I can give my children. Are things going to be different? Yes. Do you need to leave? No."***

So, she loves you but doesn't want you, but wants you to stay in the same house? In-house separation? In-house divorce? You previously said she doesn't want physical interaction--do you guys have sexual compatibility issues?

***I've told her in the past that I couldn't stay if there were someone else.***

You suspect there is someone else, but you are still there.

***It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end. I felt I needed to know the truth, as well, to know how to proceed in my db'ing.
Ias I've seen in the past she responds to me being cheery, letting her have space and being responsive when she wants to talk.
I think I'm going to take Sandi's advice for LBS's whose W's aren't having an A.***

What makes you not trust her? And if you don't trust her, why follow the advice for W's who aren't having an A?

***It seems she wants her independence more than anything else.***

Yes, you said before, freedom and independence...it's part of the script...why does your W feel trapped?

***In my head I've also stated to plan out how I could move back home and start a new life there. My kids both want to be with me if it comes down to that.***

Is it a possibility to live so far from your W?

***But for now I'm gonna continue working out, working, spending time with my kids, concentrating on me and letting her have her space.***

Sounds like a good plan...

***She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.
Thanks Jeep for your response.***

I agree with Jeep on this one...

[Alaska8]

Jeep,
Ya, I know she could be lying. But I'm thinking it's best right now for me to believe her and GAL. It feels better to me to not pry and ask questions. I can funtion better in my daily routine and most importantly I can be upbeat and "cool" around her when she's heRe. One thing I've found that's been working for me, actually, is I don't look her in the eye when I'm telling a story or talking about whatever it is im taking about. I do look her in the eye when SHES talking. But when I'm the one saying something I always try and look at my kids or look in another direction, non chalantly though. I find her reaction to be quite interesting. Often times I'll find her checking me out! I try to keep my posture, shoulders back (I've been working out like a fiend, dropping buko poundage), she takes notice. I've found this technique, if you wanna call it that, to somehow exude confidence. It's almost like, with her eyes, she's begging me to acknowledge her.
You ever been in a conversation where someone's talking to a group, and you're part of that group, but they never look at you? Makes you feel left out! You desire to be acknowledged. That's the feeling I get from her. It's very subtle though. I don't think it registers in her mind that it's being done to her. There's no tangible effect though. It's not like she's all of a sudden taking my arm and saying "look at me!". It's just a way of showing confidence for ME. Helps me in my attempt to exude that cheery, breezy, confident persona.
She got back from her trip obviously and I didn't ask one thing. Over the phone, before she got back, she was about to tell me about her girlfriends and what they did, but I just said hey...I don't need to hear all that, that's your business now. She wanted to share, but I shut her down. I think she misses sharing, but I don't want to here that s**t.
I think the more I don't show interest in her "goings on" the less it effects me daily and the more space I give her.
Should I have listened?
I'll tell you this much. Since she's gotten back she's much more talkative and texting a bunch.
I think she feels guilty about not being here for my S.
Guess we'll see.
By the way, she told my boy about the Hockey tickets when she got back. My S shut her down!! Said he didn't think he was gonna feel up to it, his way of saying no thanks, I'll stay here with my dad. She felt it too. I told her he'll get over it, just give him time. Ha!
She couldn't buy her way out!!
Anyway, thanks Jeep.
I'll keep y'all posted as to how my "plan" works out. I'm sure hoping it does. I don't like going dark, it really [censored], but if I have to I will.
AK8

[Dawgs]

You ever been in a conversation where someone's talking to a group, and you're part of that group, but they never look at you? Makes you feel left out! You desire to be acknowledged. That's the feeling I get from her. It's very subtle though. I don't think it registers in her mind that it's being done to her. There's no tangible effect though. It's not like she's all of a sudden taking my arm and saying "look at me!". It's just a way of showing confidence for ME. Helps me in my attempt to exude that cheery, breezy, confident persona.
She got back from her trip obviously and I didn't ask one thing. Over the phone, before she got back, she was about to tell me about her girlfriends and what they did, but I just said hey...I don't need to hear all that, that's your business now. She wanted to share, but I shut her down. I think she misses sharing, but I don't want to here that s**t.

I like this. Learn something new every day. I'd never have thought of doing that, but it seems to be working on some minute level. Kudos to you for shutting her down...letting her know that you are on your road.

My S shut her down!! Said he didn't think he was gonna feel up to it, his way of saying no thanks, I'll stay here with my dad. She felt it too. I told her he'll get over it, just give him time. Ha!
She couldn't buy her way out!!

Kids are much, much more intuitive than we give them credit for.

[Alaska8]

Gordie,
1. Ok Gordie man! About the first line of her text, you hit the nail on the head!!!!! I saw that line and thought the exact same thing!!! I was like, "What the heck does she mean she knows what she wants??? Like she's a certain type of guy?? WTF??!!"
BUT..... I slowed down and chalked it up to MLC talk. That's the best I can do right? Just let it slide.. I'm choosing to take it as someday she wants to be married as this is her biggest complaint about me. Maybe she doesn't mean me, maybe it's just about marriage in general. All I know is if I concentrate on that f***ed up line it will drive me crazy and I'll end up asking her, "Wtf did you mean by that?" And asking more questions is the last thing I need to do. So I'm gonna pretend it meant ME and move on.
2. Exploring for her means going out with her friends from m work when she travels. I'm not sure I've said this before but I was a very jealous controlling guy throughout our relationship. It's not like I didn't let go do stuff, she most certainly did. I just never got off to it and never let her do anything without having to know every detail and without giving her tons of attitude. So exploring for her is just taking the time for herself away from me and the kids and living a little.
3. She lost her spirit with me because I never married her. This is the most major area of contention with her. Until I'm fanancially capable of doing this I don't think she will turn around. I'm working on it though. I did propose but never finalized.
4. We are in-house seperated right now. She has the MBR. I'm a night owl and it was common for me to fall asleep on the couch during the week, bacuse she goes to bed early. So her having the MBR makes sense. But, I always slept in bed with her on the weekends. Sex has always been good. Twice a week on the weekends mostly. During our whole relationship I always "took care of her first". And she's never complained, so I think sex has always been good.
5. I suspected there was someone else but she says there is not. I haven't left because I love her and I can't see leavinhmg her just a cause I'm suspicious. And now, I'm not sure I actually want to know. Right now, right this second, I just want to beleive her and not dwell on negaatuve things. If I'm gonna get her back to our family it's gonna take me being confident and doing 180's and making changes in myself. I choose to believe her so I can make these things happen. Also my kids need me, and I need them.
6. I don't trust her because she's in MLC, but I've got to have a standard by which to go by. That standard right im is for me is just to take her word. Now that doesn't mean I can't prepare for the worst which is what I'm doing. I'm just tired of giving in to my suspicions. It's not healthy for me and it hurts my efforts to GAL.
7. My W feels trapped because, in all honesty, I made her feel that way. Like she had no freedom, no trust from me. I should've been okay with her going out with her work friends and socializing. I was a just a very jealous guy. I actually felt in my heart that she would never cheat on me, I just could never trust that feeling. And now that she's in MLC it's a distinct possibility! But like I said, I'm gonna choose to trust her now because it's what's good for me at the moment.
8. It's only a possibility for me to live so far from my W if the kids come with me. That's how I feel right now. And actually, as I plan it in my head, I'm beginning to see I COULD ACTUALLY BE WITHOUT HER! Now, that's not what I want though, I want my woman back in my arms. I try not to look at her at all when she's here in the house because I desire her so much. I just wanna touch her, feel her love me again. But there are other fish in the sea and if worse comes to worse I will set that hook buddy! FISH ON!

The more I post here and the more I talk with you guys the more confident I get. I thought I was gonna be a wreck after this trip of hers but I'm Not, I actually feel better than I have since this thing started. I owe a lot to y'all. You're questions Gordie, they not only make me think about how I feel they make me write out those feelings. I find it reassuring and proactive.
Thanks man..
AK8

[Alaska8]

So we had a lot of ice today here in the north. Roads real bad. She texts me this morning on the way to her work to tell me how bad the roads are. I text back the regular validating stuff, "wow really? We'll be safe, drive slow." And before she left she was making a lot of noise in the kitchen (I was Asleep on the recliner, my son can only sleep on a recliner too right now cause he's recovering from collarbone surgery, I wake him up to take his pain meds or he'll wake up in major pain) and talking to herself. Like...so I'd hear, know wHat I mean? A nervous, kidlike kind of self-conscious thing. I've noticed she's been doing it a lot lately.
Any way she works hard and does not usually call or text during the day. And she didn't today, until the end of the day around 5:45 she calls me.
" hey what are y'all doing" I'm still here and still have A little more work to do for an eArly meeting tmrw morning, and on and on"
I say ok, np, just text me when you're on your way home, roads are still real bad.
And I'm the one that ends the convo.
She texts before she leaves as promised.
She gets home and from the time she walks in the door she's talking to me, non stop! (Usually she just goes to her room and closes the door)
Comes and sits next to me on the couch, close to me, close than she's sat to me since BD. Even my S noticed!
Sits there and talks my ear off about work. I look her in the eye the whole time, validating.
She tells me she might a actually talk at the Hockey game, out on the ice (American Heart Assoc stuff). So we're gonna have to go.
Point is she was acting soooooo different. Happy, talkative, getting close to me, etc..
I would say I'd have to chalk it up to my upbeat attitude and that I'm giving her space. And also that I think she missed me while she was away. I'm not sure if tha but it feels that way. I also think she gets that I'm starting to not give a s**t anymore, that I'm uninterested in what she does.
Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.
AK8

[Dawgs]

Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.

Reading your post gives me an upbeat vibe. I hope it is as it seems. And it's awesome that it was a good day for you! Keep up what you are doing, my friend. Even if things don't go your way, you are doing well for yourself and those who depend on you - and that's what is important.

[Gordie]

***She texts me this morning on the way to her work to tell me how bad the roads are. I text back the regular validating stuff, "wow really? We'll be safe, drive slow."***

Validating is good.

***And before she left she was making a lot of noise in the kitchen (I was Asleep on the recliner, my son can only sleep on a recliner too right now cause he's recovering from collarbone surgery, I wake him up to take his pain meds or he'll wake up in major pain) and talking to herself. Like...so I'd hear, know wHat I mean? A nervous, kidlike kind of self-conscious thing. I've noticed she's been doing it a lot lately.***

Is this a new behavior? Was she indirectly communicating to you?

***Any way she works hard and does not usually call or text during the day. And she didn't today, until the end of the day around 5:45 she calls me. " hey what are y'all doing" I'm still here and still have A little more work to do for an eArly meeting tmrw morning, and on and on" I say ok, np, just text me when you're on your way home, roads are still real bad. And I'm the one that ends the convo.
She texts before she leaves as promised. She gets home and from the time she walks in the door she's talking to me, non stop! (Usually she just goes to her room and closes the door)
Comes and sits next to me on the couch, close to me, close than she's sat to me since BD. Even my S noticed!
Sits there and talks my ear off about work. I look her in the eye the whole time, validating.
She tells me she might a actually talk at the Hockey game, out on the ice (American Heart Assoc stuff). So we're gonna have to go.
Point is she was acting soooooo different. Happy, talkative, getting close to me, etc..
I would say I'd have to chalk it up to my upbeat attitude and that I'm giving her space. And also that I think she missed me while she was away. I'm not sure if tha but it feels that way. I also think she gets that I'm starting to not give a s**t anymore, that I'm uninterested in what she does.***

Have you read the pursuit and distance threads? I'm not sure if it was in your original homework, but you can find it on the MLC threads. Remember you can only control you and detachment is not letting her closeness or distance affect you. You have no idea what is going on in her head (or her feelings towards you or other men), so you should expect it to change day to day or even hour to hour: coming close, creating distance, etc. Enjoy the closeness, but don't let the distance bother you.

***Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.***

Sounds like you are doing well. Have you gotten the books and started coming up with your seven step plan, including near term goals?