Ginger is probably right about your wife. My wife was severely abused as a child, but it was all repressed. However, she did know about some of the more recent events, but I suspect that even some of those more recent memories didn't occur exactly the way she remembers them. In addition, my wife, like yours, had attempted suicide at least once, but it was long before I knew her.
I remember back when we were dating, she'd had a few drinks and she kept telling me that she had too much baggage and that I should run away. I didn't run away. I didn't know the extent of the damage at the time and I was certain that I could help her through anything. Even if I had known the extent of the abuse, I still wouldn't have run away; I was deeply in love with her.
Over the years we learned more about what really happened. It took years of her waking up, scared to death from the nightmares, before she could identify her abusers. She went through pure hell as a child and had to relive it as an adult as the repressed memories bubbled up into her consciousness.
I would've gladly stayed with her the rest of our lives, but she chose a different path. However, the next time someone tells me they have too much baggage, I'll certainly consider the potential for future complications.
I remember back when we were dating, she'd had a few drinks and she kept telling me that she had too much baggage and that I should run away. I didn't run away. I didn't know the extent of the damage at the time and I was certain that I could help her through anything. Even if I had known the extent of the abuse, I still wouldn't have run away; I was deeply in love with her.
There where little flags that popped up every now and then that I just attributed to her quirks and tendencies. I wasn't informed of any abuse until after BD - however, she remembered it all. As with you, I wouldn't have ran. What I would have done was change the way I approached things. I don't have those hard feelings anymore. I'm not sure what I have, anymore. But I still would have tried.
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I would've gladly stayed with her the rest of our lives, but she chose a different path. However, the next time someone tells me they have too much baggage, I'll certainly consider the potential for future complications.
I like this. A lot.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
**But, I realized that she was on her own path...one that she started a while ago and doesn't include me.**
This one kills me. It's something I think about and is one of the most painful things.
You mention trust. That my friend is a hard one. I could give you platitudes and say you will trust again or you'll know when you trust someone, but I think that's something that you and only you will be able to decide to be open to. When I found out about WH 1st EA was just a few hours after ML and him telling me how much he loved me (while I was pregnant with our 1st child). Trust?? Nope, I don't have it. While you can, and I have, forgiven and moved on - I don't trust. I have not felt "loved" or believed his words in 16 years. It's sad and it's the truth. Will I ever believe another person who walks into my life? Don't know. You won't either until you try.
** This is my life. I own it. **
Love that! Good for you!
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
She's a product of a most f***ed up childhood. I just never knew. How are we, when we don't know someone's hiding stuff?
Jeep, just (slowly) catching up on your posts.
That part about upbringing ... really resonates with me, as it is a big part of my situation.
The very nature of someone having been deeply affected by their childhood is that ... they themselves are rarely able to see the problem objectively. Your W hiding her past is exactly a part of her problem. A healthier person would have been OK to be open about it, and talk about it, and process it.
It's kind of like what they say about war, that the truth is the first casualty. In an abusive upbringing, the first casualty is often the ability to deal with problems in a healthy way, that nobody can help you, you are above all help.
I'm a firm believer in all of us needing help from each other, all of us needing to listen to others who care about us and observe us with more objectivity.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Hi 010207! (That's a mouthful to type out, so I may say Chewie per your reference. HAHA)
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This one kills me. It's something I think about and is one of the most painful things.
You know, this was one of the most difficult things for me to see and accept. I never thought she'd choose a life out of our marriage. Hell, I never thought she'd do the things she did, either - as she has always showed disgust at adultery. Always. I guess that's one of the things I'll chalk up to something I don't need to know. Coming to the realization that she was on her own path just about destroyed me. We were supposed to grow old together, you know?
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Will I ever believe another person who walks into my life? Don't know. You won't either until you try
I'm not so sure I ever will. And probably never to the extent that I did her. I trusted her with my life. While you are right, it is up to me, I'm in a place where I just don't know. She was able to keep things under wraps for so long and "hid" them so well, that I just never knew a hint of any trouble. So, to that end, I'm just not sure.
The OM's ex wife and I had coffee a bit ago (we have become semi friends and are friends on FB - something which the ex hates) and had a conversation along the same lines as this - trust. She shared with me that its like they destroyed the best part of us, and in reality, they did. I no longer am the person I once was - the person who would give the benefit of the doubt and trust until it was broken. I'm much more guarded and have built walls that may never come down. Ugh.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The very nature of someone having been deeply affected by their childhood is that ... they themselves are rarely able to see the problem objectively. Your W hiding her past is exactly a part of her problem. A healthier person would have been OK to be open about it, and talk about it, and process it.
I agree wholeheartedly. She doesn't see her actions as being a problem. She doesn't view her actions objectively. She also exhibits sociopathic tendencies. Things should never be held in, especially out of fear or shame. It is what it is, I guess.
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It's kind of like what they say about war, that the truth is the first casualty. In an abusive upbringing, the first casualty is often the ability to deal with problems in a healthy way, that nobody can help you, you are above all help.
Very well put. That last sentence rings so true with her.
And while I do know that can't be a crutch for her actions, yet I'm not surprised. Maybe one day she will be able to find peace.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
A divorced co-worker and I were talking a bit today when he asked how do you stop the memories? How do you stop thinking about things that bring you pain?
Honestly, I had no answer. I'm in the best place I've been in a long time, and I can't stop the memories. Fortunately, they aren't near as many as they used to be, but they do still pop in every now and then.
For instance, last night I was looking for a book for my son when I came across some old pictures of us (the ex and I) at our (now my) favorite vacation place. I love that place - we used to go every year on Veteran's Day. I didn't go last year, and not sure when I will be able to again. I'm not even sure how it would affect when I do go back, if I even do. I miss that place.
The old pictures flooded the memories. And, yes, some of the old feelings reared up. I suspect that isn't unusual. Probably for the rest of my life. Memories of times when the world was right.
Was I sad? To some extent. I tried not to linger. I tried not to think, yet I did. I'm not sad now. I was a little then, but it was a fleeting moment. I am going to be honest with myself, and say yes, there are parts I miss. The good times and all. But, as another poster said, we can't look back. Only forward. Maybe one day I will take the kids back. They love it.
Memories aren't a bad thing. As long as one doesn't dwell on the what-ifs. But that's the rub - how do you stop that? I couldn't answer for him. I just told him time would ease it. And it will. In time.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I believe this is like a death. You need to go through all the emotional phases. Right now those memories are raw and so sometimes they may hurt. Eventually, when those memories come up again, you'll remember them fondly but with little emotion.
Make new and happy memories, Jeep. That's how you'll come out on the other side.
PS, remind me of this when I find myself on a down slope again - Chewie
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I heard this a couple months back about a survey that divorces take three years to heal and what you feel then will probable stay. Unfortunately it just takes time to heal and every day that goes by will be better.
Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.
Me:43 W:41 M:21 SS:25 S:19 D:18 BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16 W moves out 10/2/16
Me? I'm not so sure about that. I just ramble on a bit and what's in my head tends to fall out, often without a filter...
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I believe this is like a death. You need to go through all the emotional phases. Right now those memories are raw and so sometimes they may hurt. Eventually, when those memories come up again, you'll remember them fondly but with little emotion.
I like this analogy, Chewie! I guess they are still kind of raw. And the fact that I can look at those pictures and not go apeshit is proof of what you're saying. Although there is pain still attached, its not near the level it used to be. Granted, there are some pictures that bring about anger, but that's fading, too.
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Make new and happy memories, Jeep. That's how you'll come out on the other side.
I'm trying, Chewie. I'm trying.
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PS, remind me of this when I find myself on a down slope again
You can count on it, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
