Journey to the D

[Tofbrks]

Hello DB crew,

I am looking for a little insight from someone further out for a little perspective... or anybody for that matter.

In the beginning the up/down cycles where frequent and rather lengthy. It progressed and had become better... shorter and less duration. I had a feeling of "meh" , which is ok at this stage. But this last week or so it's kinda changed. I was riding a wave of change.. of at least thoughts of change and how things where going to get better. These past couple of weeks it's changed , like it's sinking in or it may not change or turn out the way I want it too. I have a very deep rooted fear that I will be alone the rest of my life. The situation as it stands right now is how it will be ... forever

This fear I know is irrational and these times are fluid but just can't seem to convince myself of it. My sitch includes an unfaithful wife who kinda hid an exit affair and is full steam ahead with "new" life. So this adds to my angst about these fears... see I was right to leave... your miserable and no one wants to be with you.

I guess it comes down to a lengthy "cycle down" period that is out of the norm for me ... I thought I had progressed a little further than this.

What I guess I'm asking is perspective...here I am 10 months out from "im not happy" to 5 more before it's all final... is this how it's gonna stay? Need rational people to calm my irrational fears.

Maybe I just need to go back to therapy .. lol

Another issue coming up fast is D's bday. Joint party is what x will want but with her comes fat F'r.. who will be there just to "show he cares".. so let's throw all these people together for the first time since the poop storm started. It would be good to show the D that we can all get along... that's a tough pill to take guys. Is it even appropriate for om to be at a little girls bday party ? To me the x has tried to intigrate the kids into her new relationship to ease guilt or give it legitimacy ... at an accelerated pace to me. So the party will be just one more example. Should I branch off and celebrate on my own or take one for the team and do the together party???

[Dawgs]

What I guess I'm asking is perspective...here I am 10 months out from "im not happy" to 5 more before it's all final... is this how it's gonna stay? Need rational people to calm my irrational fears

No, my friend, it won't stay. But the way you travel your road is up to you and no one else can guide you. The unfortunate thing is that you travel it alone...but in a sense, you don't - you have many here that will "walk" with you.

The thing is, you know what lies ahead and what you must do. The down cycles will become less and less over time - what you are involved in is normal. Every single one of us here have gone through it. Heck, her ghost still gets me every now and then and yesterday was a doozy.

You'll be fine, my friend. Just fine.

[Dawgs]

Another issue coming up fast is D's bday. Joint party is what x will want but with her comes fat F'r.. who will be there just to "show he cares".. so let's throw all these people together for the first time since the poop storm started. It would be good to show the D that we can all get along... that's a tough pill to take guys. Is it even appropriate for om to be at a little girls bday party ? To me the x has tried to intigrate the kids into her new relationship to ease guilt or give it legitimacy ... at an accelerated pace to me. So the party will be just one more example. Should I branch off and celebrate on my own or take one for the team and do the together party???

Don't know why I forgot this part. I don't feel its appropriate for him to be there, at all. There is nothing to say you can't do both.

The important thing to remember is that it is for your daughter, and your daughter only. Make it special to her. She will remember that far better than how you and the ex got along, trust me.

Now, not many will agree with what I'm about to say but it must be said - I told my ex's OM that if he ever came near my kids he would have trouble walking for the rest of his life. That's one thing I don't even begin to play with - the ex can do whatever, but when it comes to the kids, think of a momma bear times a million. So, if I were in your shoes, I'd find a time at the party and say this to the "fat f'r"...I'd just let him know that if he says a cross word, lays a hand on your daughter in any form, whatever (you get the gist), that he'd be paying for it. And walk away. The ex will be pissed, but who cares...she's not important, your daughter is.

[Tofbrks]

Always good and wise words jeep..just hard to see the end as a positive when your this far down a hole. Difficult to see good times in future right now.

And if it wasn't bad enough.. just informed that fat f'r has made an offer on a house..X can't afford to live on her own and signed away her support in our agreement... so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r .

Just doing some simple math it's gonna be tight ... cause X brings nothing to table except student loans and a bad shopping habit..

Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

[Dawgs]

Difficult to see good times in future right now.

I'm still waiting to see those, sir.

so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r

You might want to check the laws...I'm not sure, but in my state another person can't live with the ex until they are married (with the kids in the house, that is). I'd ask an atty, pronto. I made sure in our decree that never happens.

Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

Karma will always strike. Always. And, no you shouldn't...but then again neither should I that my ex is dating again...

[Tofbrks]

so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r

You might want to check the laws...I'm not sure, but in my state another person can't live with the ex until they are married (with the kids in the house, that is). I'd ask an atty, pronto. I made sure in our decree that never happens.

[quote]Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

Karma will always strike. Always. And, no you shouldn't...but then again neither should I that my ex is dating again...

If xhad her way she'd been in his house with kids the day our separation started. H€ll she even had a goofy fb pic with all kids ( his and mine) up for xmas..

I had to put the no overnight paramour until after separation is over.. she found no problem with it and gVe me a really hard time about it being in there.. i would never get her to agree to until married .. even though that's where this going .. she has too no where else to land..

Truth be known i see it shaking down like this .. she'll pressure him to be put on mortgage.. stay with him just long enough to figure that the stuff doesn't make her happy ..that it must be him.. again... she'll safeguard herself this time cause she left our marriage with little more than a car and some clothes..so I feel sorry for fat f'r .. whatever he had after his stbx and mine he wont have a pot to - well you know... that my friend would be sweet a$$ karma ...

[Dawgs]

that my friend would be sweet a$$ karma

Karma of the best kind, my friend.

[Tofbrks]

Opinions on this....

The exit affair.. or om..just currious on the odds..
She admitted little if no responsibility for the ending of M , basically said I don't feel the same for you as I once did. Attempted no work on herself which was evident in the short mc sessions we had. There has been no lag between relationships and if anything there was overlap.

Now most if not all ic/mc and others recommend at least a year or more before entering your next serious relationship .. and just from my limited steps out I can see why.. it's a murky and complicated world... so being a realist and guy who likes to know the why...how can a transition this fast be healthy and lasting?
Mind you I'm not dwelling on this just something that silently runs through my head sometime..

[Dawgs]

The exit affair.. or om..just currious on the odds..
She admitted little if no responsibility for the ending of M , basically said I don't feel the same for you as I once did. Attempted no work on herself which was evident in the short mc sessions we had. There has been no lag between relationships and if anything there was overlap.

Why do you call it the exit affair? Just curious.

I would be willing to bet that she put the death of the marriage on your shoulders, no? Mine did...and also the affair, too. It was all my fault.

Now most if not all ic/mc and others recommend at least a year or more before entering your next serious relationship .. and just from my limited steps out I can see why.. it's a murky and complicated world... so being a realist and guy who likes to know the why...how can a transition this fast be healthy and lasting?

That time frame seems right, I guess. Each person is different. I'm not ready for a serious one although I will date. The only way I'd change that is if somehow Harley Quinn moved back and all, rather than this long distance talking/visiting once in a while. Who knows. Each at their own pace, my friend. I like going out and micro dating.

[Tofbrks]

Exit affair...

She basically replaced me and was done with marriage
Said she was unhappy for years and did nothing about it other than praying or wishing for her "feelings" to return or change.

Yes I was blamed for everything... she just didn't feel a certain way and it must be me and not her... got a laundry list of crap in the beginning .. nothing worth blowing up a 15yr marriage for