Imaginary affair, mental illness and on the brink

[ForGump]

The downside is that could further damage the very thin thread of trust between my wife and I.

Kane, you are a far wiser person than I am, to see this early on.

You are indeed in a very sensitive spot: you don't want to erode you W's trust, but you have to balance that with what you think is best for your family.

What do you think about getting some professional guidance from a separate mental health professional? Tell them about the various delusions your W is having, and ask them what they think you ought to do? (I have done that w/ my situation.)

[Kane10]

What do you think about getting some professional guidance from a separate mental health professional? Tell them about the various delusions your W is having, and ask them what they think you ought to do? (I have done that w/ my situation.)

It's funny you mention that. I obtained a referral just yesterday to meet with a counselor/therapist, in part for this reason. The other part is dealing with my own issues from all this, and finding the best way forward myself and my kids.

[ForGump]

I'd be curious to know what advice you get. I hope you'll share at least the gist of it.

[Cristy]

What do you think about getting some professional guidance from a separate mental health professional? Tell them about the various delusions your W is having, and ask them what they think you ought to do? (I have done that w/ my situation.)

It's funny you mention that. I obtained a referral just yesterday to meet with a counselor/therapist, in part for this reason. The other part is dealing with my own issues from all this, and finding the best way forward myself and my kids.

Hello Kane10,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is going to sound like an echo around here. It is a good idea for you to speak with a professional regarding your situation and how the handle your wife's mental health issues. How do you go about doing that without making your situation worse?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[TxHubby]

If there is really a mental health issue then focus only on treating that and not the behavior that is being driven/influenced by it.

[Kane10]

Hey everybody ... figured I'd update my situation since it's been a couple of weeks (and if for no other reason, it's therapeutic to write it down sometimes).

It seems like a lot has happened in the past 10 days, and yet we're pretty much in the same place we were when I first posted.
For a while it seemed we were moving in the right direction ... more touching, some kissing, planning future family trips, planning a night out without the kids, etc.
That all came crashing down Wednesday/Thursday when W abruptly turned distant and began saying again that she's only interested in being friends, sees a future for herself with the other guy and would be willing to stay together for the sake of the kids, but doesn't see any sort of a "love" relationship with me.
I pressed a bit about the sudden change in her attitude from earlier in the week, but she didn't want to tell me. However, from what little she did say and from what I could piece together, I think I've figured it out ... and it's a doozy.
Several weeks back, a mutual friend of ours mentioned to my wife that a close friend of her and her husband was going through a separation. My wife is now convinced this person going through a separation is none other than the guy with whom she's obsessed. This despite voluminous evidence to the contrary - starting with the fact that this guy and our mutual friends don't know each other well, much less are they "close friends."
I think my wife has convinced herself that this guy may soon be back on the market, so to speak, so she's preparing herself to be available to catch him on the rebound.
I know ... it's messed up.

So, what am I doing? My best to roll with it for now, avoiding relationship talk and any sort of romantic overtures. We did go out without the kids as planned last night, and had a friendly, but definitely platonic, time. I only agreed to go after other plans I'd made fell through. She was the one who picked the restaurant, made reservations and found a place for the kids to be. Really, all in all it was a decent night, and I went into it with zero expectations, which definitely helped me relax and try to enjoy myself. Not sure if it did anything in terms of helping/hurting my marriage, but that's OK.

Beyond that, I'm working to get situated with a therapist, to deal with my own emotions from all this, help me decide what's best for me and my kids, and (hopefully) gain some insight into what's happened to the person I used to know as my wife.

Thanks again for listening, any any thoughts/advice/insight.

[Kane10]

One more thing, if it helps/matters:
We did discuss a little bit what our expectations of what a divorce might look like, and one thing that's clear is that W hasn't really thought this through. She hasn't considered the financial implications, custody arrangements, how/where the kids would be schooled, living circumstances or really any of those sorts of details. She did say she'd be OK if she were the one to leave the home and she would just visit the kids there. She'd plan to move in with her parents (who would be quite shocked, given that they know nothing about any of this).

What this reinforces to me is that she's basically still living in a fantasy world where she wants what she wants but has not put much thought into the consequences.

[PsySara]

I think your wife is very mentally ill. She appears to have a delusion called erotomania. This is more than a fantasy, it's a delusion. I don't think she is a danger to herself or others but I do think she will sabotage her life by following the rabbit trail of her thoughts.

Find a therapist that does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for psychosis. Confrontation is not a good technique for dismantling her delusions, it will actually cause he to dig her heels in deeper.

[Gordie]

I second Paysara. Any update on her mental health issues, whether or not her providers are aware of all of the issues, and how you are caring for yourself?

[PsySara]

Also, HIPAA basically means the therapist cannot disclose any information your wife discloses during her sessions. (without your wife signing a release) But you can call the therapist and tell him/her about all your wife's behavior and there is no law/rule against that. (I used to receive calls all the time where a patient's relative/loved one had serious concerns and felt I need "the whole picture.")