Imaginary affair, mental illness and on the brink

[trumpet]

I had a co-worker whose wife went awol - everyone was out to get her, everyone is spying on her, they were out to get her family... this got so bad she drove erratically with the kids, throwing cell phones onto the interstate, and had to have police stop her running into the middle of an intersection screaming at the top of her lungs.

Her condition was related to mental health and severe pre-menopausal symptoms. I can't remember the name of the condition, but it exists. She was closer to 50-55, but I've heard of women becoming pre-menopausal early in life.

Just came to my mind when you mentioned your sitch, Kane.

I think a medical doctor needs to run some full tests on her thyroid and other levels.

[Kane10]

I had a co-worker whose wife went awol - everyone was out to get her, everyone is spying on her, they were out to get her family... this got so bad she drove erratically with the kids, throwing cell phones onto the interstate, and had to have police stop her running into the middle of an intersection screaming at the top of her lungs.

Her condition was related to mental health and severe pre-menopausal symptoms. I can't remember the name of the condition, but it exists. She was closer to 50-55, but I've heard of women becoming pre-menopausal early in life.

Just came to my mind when you mentioned your sitch, Kane.

I think a medical doctor needs to run some full tests on her thyroid and other levels.

Thanks for mentioning this, Trumpet.
In fact, W's previous therapist told her she believed some of her issues were related to pre-menopause. I believe the term you're looking for is perimenopause.
I certainly can encourage further testing, but I've found that the more I suggest something, the more likely she is to resist it. Hence, while she knows some of her beliefs are not well-grounded in reality, me pointing out how/why some of her beliefs are erroneous usually leads her to dig in her heels. That's known as psychological reactance.

[Dawgs]

Hence, while she knows some of her beliefs are not well-grounded in reality, me pointing out how/why some of her beliefs are erroneous usually leads her to dig in her heels. That's known as psychological reactance.

It seems like many of our ex's are in the same boat. I won't go into my ex's story, its easy enough to find on here. Mine fully believes what she is doing is right and just and all that jazz.

[Kane10]

Changing all of your friends is another symptom of MLC.

What is your R with her sister? Is she helpful or hurtful to the situation?

Thanks, Gordie.

I may have been unclear when I wrote that my wife has lost her friends. She hasn't changed her friends, in the sense that she's hanging with a new crowd. She just doesn't have friends. The people with whom she used to socialize, text, speak with by phone, etc., have for all intents been cut from her life, either by their choice or hers. No more nights out, lunches, chatting with fellow moms at the kids' sporting events, etc. If she does go out for dinner or a movie with someone other than me, it's her mom or sister.

My relationship with W's sister is good. We've never been super tight, but always gotten along well. Her sister agrees that something is wrong with W's thinking and that this extreme infatuation with the other guy is ridiculous. However, they're sisters and closer than any other set of siblings I know. While W's sister will and has told her she's heading in a wrong direction, she's not going to take sides or do anything to alienate their relationship. I'm OK with that.
As for sister's affair, though I'm light on details, what I do know is that nothing that occurred there would give my W any message beyond affairs are destructive to everyone, including the betrayer. Nothing I know about the whole thing would encourage my wife's current mindset.

[Gordie]

While your situation bears nothing to do with my own, I find it particularly heartbreaking.

You love your W but find yourself in a bewildering situation and you don't know if your M can survive. While lots of us here feel like our spouses have gone crazy...yours has...literally. Here is something I would consider/ask myself if I was in your shoes:

I love my W more than anything, including my M and myself. I would do anything for her to get the help and treatment that she needs in order to get well, no matter that it may have a negative affect on my M and me personally. If this is the case, can you and your sister-in-law team up to get her the help she needs, as it appears from your description, she isn't getting it and you are both very, very concerned. People who lose touch with reality can do a lot of self-harm as well as harm to others. In the others category, I'd be most concerned for your children. I don't want to scare you, but I'm sure you can read up on all of the bad things that have happened in similar situations and could happen in yours. In that respect, if you have any guns in the house, I'd ask a friend to hold on to them for a while.

P.S. If she has cut herself from all people, it doesn't sound like MLC--as MLCers try to find new friends to encourage their new lifestyle. This just sounds like mental illness to me (not an expert).

[ForGump]

Kane10-- I too have a middle-aged W who has fallen in love w/ someone and believes her love is reciprocated even though it's been made clear to her that it's simply not the case. Unlike your wife, though, she doesn't also believe that everyone else is talking about her.

Anyway, it seems to me that in your situation is primarily a mental health problem, not a marital problem. I believe mental health status isn't black and white, so many spouses being discussed in this forum have different shades of mental/emotional health problems, including some types of delusions. But your wife is having serious narcissistic-paranoid delusions about lots of people. It's heartbreaking but I believe there is very little you can do to make it better other than to support her being treated by mental health professionals. Various DB strategies and techniques assume that the spouse is in reasonable mental health.

If you haven't already, I strongly suggest that you meet with her mental health caregivers, if that is possible, and talk about her delusions. If you somehow cannot talk about her mental health and delusions, you could go see a psychiatrist yourself and consult her/him and seek guidance on coping with her mental problems. (Psychiatrists will see you for mental health of a family member).

Once you have a clear diagnosis and prognosis, then you have to make the hard decision of whether you're going to stick it out or give up.

[ForGump]

My wife is delusionally convinced that virtually everyone she knows is obsessed with her obsession over this guy.

(1) She believes people from our kids' school follow her to see if she's meeting with this guy.
(2) She believes our kids' sports leagues set up their game and practice schedules so they know where she'll be at certain times.
(3) She believes people stop by our house to check up on her.
(4) She believes I've asked people to spy on her.
(5) She believes school functions are scheduled to keep track of her and this guy.
(6) She believes people have hacked her email and moved things around in various folders to either send her clues or just mess with her mind.
(7) She believes I somehow track this guy's movements.
There's more, but you probably get the gist.

Kane10 -- this is what I'm talking about. You've listed 7 ways in which your wife is having paranoid delusions; and you say there's even more.

I think this is severe. To the point that it's not reasonable for you to expect your wife to respond to any reasonable effort from you to save your marriage. In fact, if you persisted in hoping that your wife would respond to some rational approach from you, I would say you are the delusional one!

I'm sorry if this is harsh. I take mental health issues seriously; and have been thinking about it for a long time. I mean no disrespect to you and your situation. I just think DB is the wrong approach when someone is having a severe mental health problem.

[Lex23]

My W is in love with a celebrity that she emails. He replies but only a few friendly words now and then. She has blown this up in her mind to be that they are in love. She even thinks that some of the things that he posts on his facebook page are secret messages from him to her. It seems like your W is even deeper in her delusion than mine is. I am trying to learn about my situation as quickly as I can but it is definitely not easy. I will be following your thread and will offer my opinion if I can see somewhere that it might help. Good luck to you. Hang in there.

[Kane10]

Thanks for your thoughts, Gump.
I largely agree ... the marital issues are intertwined with the mental health issues, and the former won't be settled until the latter are resolved, or at least better managed.

Unfortunately, I don't think meeting with her mental health caregivers is an option. They're legally and ethically prohibited from discussing her treatment with anyone, spouse included, without consent. Theoretically, they couldn't even confirm that my wife is a patient, not that there's any doubt.
One of my biggest fears is that they're not being told everything I'm being told. My wife assures me they are, but I have no idea if that's true. I'd like to think the treatment might be a bit more aggressive if they knew everything, but I'm no expert and have to trust that they're doing their best for her.
I've debated with myself whether I should just email her therapist about what's going on. I wouldn't ask for or expect a response, but it would be one way be sure she knows everything. The downside is that could further damage the very thin thread of trust between my wife and I.

Ultimately here's my pickle .... If my wife were clear-minded and told me she was in love with someone else, hoped to pursue a relationship with that person and doubts she will have romantic feelings toward me again, I would end our marriage. It would suck, especially for our kids, but I'd be confident it was the right thing to do.
The problem with all that is, she's not clear-minded and I can't trust the validity of what she says she feels about our relationship any more than I can trust that she's right about a 1,000-member youth sports league building its schedule around her, or that parents of our kids' friends are following her to events miles from our hometown to keep an eye on her, or any of the other delusions she's experiencing.

Thanks again.

p.s. Gordie .... I appreciate your safety concerns. We're a gun-free household and my wife has never shown any violent tendencies. What she's experiencing is undoubtedly scary and I'm watching her actions closely, but fortunately I've seen nothing to make me even remotely fearful of anyone's safety.

[ForGump]

She even thinks that some of the things that he posts on his facebook page are secret messages from him to her.

Mine did too. I was baffled. Then I saw online that it's so uncommon.