Now that he's revealed some of his thoughts/feelings which learn toward abandonment...maybe the way he reacted to your conversation w/him about your health issues will now make some sense to you. His reaction was one of anger, but also, he's afraid of losing you due to a health issue, i.e., he may have thought that if something happened to you he would be abandoned again. His conversation now makes a bit more sense when it didn't at the time a few weeks ago.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Altair - I was reading through your update and am wondering if there might be another way of looking at this.
The conversation so far appears to have discounted his wish for a D as "just a piece of paper". Yes - perhaps it is that. It is also a symbol and symbols are powerful things to some people including me. You maybe remember the agonizing that I did before removing my wedding ring. A lot of people here didn't appear to understand how important of a symbol that was do me.
I am by no means an expert on anything going on here but do have a certain amount of experience on the other side of the gender wall. From what I've read he needs that symbol to mark a finish of one part of his journey and the beginning of another. I almost wonder if it would be an idea for you to talk (with his permission) to his IC so that you can work as a team. This is very contrary to most of the advice that is given here I know which is to leave them completely alone - but he seemed to be reaching out for help to find his way. He's lost.
Just my thoughts.
Take care of yourself first though my friend.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi AP I was thinking along the same lines. He's lost and floated D. He's scared and feels he's never been alone in his adult life and well, that's more than a piece of paper.
He asked me how I felt about D, then wanted to table everything and 'work on our friendship' and liked the idea of dinner in two weeks. So, this is someone who is looking at an abstraction, I doubt he's printed out the paperwork.
I'm going to consider asking about his IC, but not for awhile. I'm going to let him spin and be confused and agonize over his career, and I'll see what I will do down the line.
One point: this is what happens when you marry someone younger than you I think!! Or hasn't resolved issues!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hey Altair, AP makes some very good points about D being a symbol of the end of one thing and the beginning of another however I don't see why you can't work on your friendship without getting a D. I don't see D as just a piece of paper in the sense of trivialising it's importance but that in his mind that piece paper will make a difference.
I think divorce is a huge deal and I can see the confusion in him when he talks of D as the start of a new relationship with you, I still don't think it makes sense. You say that he mentioned that next time around you will get married properly and not elope as you did however you have the option of renewing your vows with all the bells and whistles of a big wedding. So many options that don't require a D to make them happen.
Maybe you are right, he floated it out there to see what your reaction would be and now he knows, he has a lot of thinking to do. I am starting to feel very positive about your sitch but I think it is going to take some time just like mine! Patience, patience!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I also think it is important to consider whether it would be okay for you to D and try to rebuild when that may not be what you want.
If you don't want that, you could always let him know that you wouldn't intend divorcing in order to start again with him from scratch. You may want to plough your own furrow in the event a D is finalised?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Altair my Sister - how have you been? You seem to be quieter here lately. Hopefully you have some joy happening in your life.
I'm almost to the top of the waiting list for the "Unbearable Lightness of Being" - I'm looking forward to it. One of the books that I listened to as an audio-book that I don't know if you have experienced is Viktor Frankl man search for meaning which was recommended to me by Sotto. Sort of a "super-Stockdale Principle" in concept. He goes into a lot of depth about how people cope with crisis and there are also a number of nice anecdotes such as the one man who went to him distraught after losing his wife. Frankl wrote that he asked the man how his wife would be reacting if the roles were reversed - very distraught as well he was told. Frankl then reminded the man that through his own suffering he perhaps was saving his wife from her's. Suffering with meaning is suffering much different than suffering without.
Deep stuff for a Saturday perhaps but it has helped form some of my own thinking. I think it will stick with me for a while.
On a lighter note, while going through the shelves I came across my copy of The Wind In The Willows - beautifully illustrated by Michael Hague. One of my favourite old friends that I am glad to have found again.
Take care of yourself my sister-star.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AP, I am curious about a Kundera book being read on tape (I assume for your commute). I wonder if it will be a different experience hearing it read rather than reading. I've never tried a book on tape, my commute is such that I actually might be able to try. But it is a treacherous city-commute (and wow have the potholes exponentially increased this month) and I worry it might distract me, what if I was so deep into the story I forgot that I was driving?
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - I've been driving long distances for so many years that having a companion such as an audio book isn't much of a distraction. It depends on the person doing the driving I suppose though. Only a portion of my driving is on congested streets too as I start from my rather rural home. I also listen while doing my ironing or other tasks around the house.
One of the many things I am grateful to the internet for is the amazing historical content that I've had the pleasure of listening to for free. Orson Wells' "The Third Man" being a particular favourite along with The Mercury Theatre (including War of the Worlds) etc. On my current list along with the usual podcasts are the Lux Radio Theatre hosted by Cecil B DeMille and The Shadow. All found for free in various nooks and crannies of the internet. For "reading" I have been a fan of the Gutenberg Project and read many books that volunteers have digitized. If you were to see my bookshelves there are many books that were published originally more than 75 years ago that are old friends.
If you wanted to dip your toes into it there is an amazing site called LibriVox where volunteer readers put out of copy-write books out as audio books. I've listened to a number of them and considered being a reader myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
