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job #2726627 01/21/17 09:17 AM
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Not guys you have completely misunderstood me here.

I do not and never have block him from seeing the kids. He had them whenever he asked over the xmas hols.

I had booked the appointment he wanted to come along but make it later. That is not convenient for me with childcare so I said make his own and TBH I'd rather you didn't come with me ( maybe you do not like the last bit but it was how I was feeling at the time) but!!!!! I did not say do not come to parents evening I pointed out that it wasn't up to me to book appointments for him now as he could book his own.....which he can. Which is what he will do. He has access to all school reports etc and all info at school...I haven't stopped anything.....he talks to the kids regularly...sees them.....I just don't want him to expect me to organise things to his convenience ...which I did before...he needs to sort that stuff out himself.

But again.....I have not said to him ever that he can't be involved with the kids...he is....I just reiterated it was not my role now to sort appointments out. Hope that is clearer

Mia2003 #2726631 01/21/17 09:50 AM
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Hi Mia, thanks for clarifying. I agree that the thing to do here is dig deep and work on being the best Mum (and coparent) that you can, given all circumstances. You didn't choose where you are - but you do get to choose how you handle yourself going forwards - and how you interact with your spouse.

Ultimately, it is good to work through the pain and get to a place where you can coparent reasonably constructively. Whilst you haven't blocked him from coming, your tone with him does sound peevish, angry and unhelpful. As others have said - I would venture to guess that this comes from unresolved anger about the situation.

And here's the rub - your anger is yours to own - and process (ideally in a healthy way) and move beyond. I agree with others that I haven't seen much forward movement by you in your situation - and I do see some 'stuckness.' We can go through this or we can grow through it. That choice is ours and has nothing to do with how our spouses have behaved, who they are with and what they are doing or saying..it is on us alone.

I agree with Job and hope you will get any support you may need to get to a healthy place where you can let go him and his situation and live your own life peacefully and happily.

You see, you think we are misunderstanding you, but your current state of mind is evident from what you post and the things that you say.

There is a happy life beyond this current situation and I hope you'll go in search of that Mia.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2726634 01/21/17 10:03 AM
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Mia - okay, so you could not at this time handle going to the conference with him. Perhaps, a good goal for you is to attend the next conference with him.

While I know you are angry, it is a small sacrifice to make on behalf of your children. How long is the conference, after all? It cannot prossibly be longer than an hour. Ultimately, as adults you need to present a united front at all times.

Honestly, if everyone who is separated or divorced had separate conferences, teachers would do double the work for every student. That's discourteous to the teacher and only makes you both look childish.

The larger point is you've been here one year now. As far as I can tell you are just as angry now as you were then. I am sorry to say that I believe your kids must feel it, too. It's not good for you or your kids.

And one year later, what good has come of this anger?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Sotto #2726635 01/21/17 10:13 AM
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Mia,

I agree w/Sotto in the fact that your anger is yours to own and how you deal w/it is something that you need to work on in a healthy manner. That is why I am suggesting that you need to be in a support group in real life to work on this anger, resentment and bitterness.

You and your h will need to learn how to communicate better and how to co-parent in a much better manner than you are now. If you don't want to schedule appointments for him, then make sure he has the numbers of the contacts. Also, it helps w/many who have to deal w/wayward spouses to have a calendar of all events that are taking place for the children. Yes, I hear you...you don't think you need to do this for him...however, it would be a good move on your part to make a calendar up of events, activities, etc. that shows what the children are involved in, it can be hard copy or electronic. This will help alleviate him asking you about such appointments, etc. Mia, in order to change your situation and take some of the aggravation out of your life, you will need to change how you are dealing w/it.

I do think, from your postings, that no matter what he does or doesn't do, will not make you happy. You tend to complain about everything he says or does and this comes across as being angry, resentful and bitter. Why would your h even consider returning home if you are displaying these emotions to him a majority of the time. You are actually helping the ow to look wonderful in his eyes because she's not acting like that. Do you or do you not want to try to save your marriage? If so, then this is an area that needs to be addressed w/a support group or therapist.

Just my two cents...sometimes we have to bite the bullet and go the extra mile to get our point across about things and one way to cut down on scheduling issues is a calendar w/dates, times and contact info for both parties.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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