So after she told me that she stopped talking to the om, she admitted that she texted him a weather screenshot on that Thursday. I got angry, and said that would have been the perfect thing to not respond to, and he would get the point. I stuck it out because her family had playoff tickets and I wanted to go to the divisional playoff game.
She went out that Saturday night. The next day we went to the game, and everything seemed to be going good. We were standing in line for the porta potty, when he texted her. I called her out, big fight ensued. I wanted to Uber home from the game, she begged me to stay. She went out when we got home. She came home and told me that she was going to stop drinking.
So the next week things went good (I thought), when i picked up on her being shady. So last Friday I got into her phone. I know huge violation, but i was tired of all the lying. She had been texting him all along, as i suspected. Here is essentially what the relevant texts said"
OM: Off like a prom dress WW: oh dont do that to me OM: what are you talking about WW: you are the one that said I am being inappropriate OM: when did I say that ww: omg, lol...OM, you know i have been hinting at taking you to the bedroom and you said you won't do that.
When i saw this i blew my stack. I woke her up and told her she had to pick right now, me or him (I know ultimatums don't work, but in the heat of the moment...I am a weak man)
She started crying and said of course I pick you. I said that it needs to end today. She said she would text him, and screen shot it to me. She asked how i got into her phone, i lied and said i pushed her thumb against the button because if she knew that i had her password she would change it.
WW said: I am working it out with my husband, i can't talk to you anymore.
I felt really uncomfortable about a screenshot and told her such. I asked how do i know that you didn't send that, then delete it, and start texting again. She said she wouldn't do that because he would think that she is crazy.
So we had family stuff, and i ignored everything. Our niece was in town for the first time in 10 years (she lives with her mom in another state). Sunday comes around, and i see her texting, and in her messages i see "N" which is what the om name starts with. So I ask her point blank, have you talked to the om since Friday. She says no, and that she is not doing this right now.
We go to her brother's house have fun. We go to sleep. Monday i wake up, and decide to get in her phone again for verification (you can say whatever you want on spying, but as long as she is lying, I am going to spy).
I see "N". Here is what it said:
WW: I am sorry some [censored] went down this am om: its ok it is just life and we have to get through it ww: I am so ready to start a new life
then they start texting sexual again. I keep my cool. I don't blow up. I go to work.
I tell my boss what is going on and ask if i can leave early to confront her. he says no problem.
I go home. She is not there. I know she is visiting her sick dad. I pack up some of her stuff. I wait. I went home about 10:30, it is now 12:30. I texted her that something is bothering me, and I want to talk when she gets home.
She races right home. She is like what is going on. I tell her that I saw her texting the om and she lied about it. She says no i didn't, we go through her whole phone. We look at ever contact and every text message.
I said ww i know you were texting him, and you did exactly what i said you were going to do. I told her about everything. She just sits there in shock. She said it needed to end and she ended it today. She tells me how she wants to get mad at me, but she understands what she has done is wrong. She is confused because she knows she can't be mad at me, but she is.
We talk a bit. She said it is depressing always talking about our problems. I tell her that she is never around to have any good times, because the only time she is here is when we have a fight.
She goes and talks to her mom for an hour, and then goes to her friend angela, who is doing the same thing to her husband. She texts me: ww: hi me: hello ww:what are you doing me: sitting in the house by myself ww: is it nice me: well it is hard to have fun together and to work on problems when one of us is not here ww: you knew i was going to come over here...and lets be honest it was a hard day, and i think we need some time apart
I dont respond. She calls me because it was 2 minutes without responding.
it is a meaningless conversation where she tries to shift the blame to me.
I go to bed.
I wake up the next morning she is there. On Tuesdays I go see my mc, tell him everything. She wants to know everything we talked about. I texted her some of it. She calls me. I tell her that we probably shouldn't talk about it at work because she always gets angry. She says she wants to know. I tell her that he said that without all passwords to every account, i can't heal, or begin to trust. There is other stuff about how she puts everyone ahead of me. She says she agrees.
I get home from work, and she goes with Angela shopping for her husband's birthday. they get home at 9. We go to bed. Start talking. She keeps saying why do i have to bring up the past, and why can't i move on. I tell her it is because she has lied so much that i don't trust her.
I tell her that it is a roller coaster, and i have triggers. She says she can't handle the roller coaster. I tell her i can't handle that she went outside of our marriage.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
I said I was sorry for not making her comfortable enough to come to me with her issues. She said it is the same issues. Her dad, miscarriages/pregnancy issues, and that she is not attracted to me (mind you have lost 35 lbs. since finding out). She says that she doesn't want to kiss me, or have sex. I told her honestly i don't either. She tries to say that they are just friends.
I told her because of the picture she sent they are not friends. That friends don't joke about trying to take each other to bed. She says she use to joke that way with an old friend of her. She says she texted him a couple of time when we first got married. I don't react. We stop talking.
Her phone dings, and she tries to make the joke that its one of the many boyfriends that I think she has. I respond that i figured as much. She acts like that hurt her and maybe it did.
This morning we have a funeral for her grandma
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Every single thing she has done, is WW textbook. And now, she's gaslighting you. Every time you listen to what she says, you are going to experience pretty much the same thing again. She is in an affair (maybe hasn't gone physical yet) and she is addicted to OM, so she is not going to end contacting him as long as she can pull the wool over your eyes.
Look, your M can be saved....but you have got to follow advice, and STOP telling your W what your counselor has to say. You need to set effective boundaries to protect yourself from her behavior.
Are you positive she is with her dad every single time.....or are you just taking her word? Her "word" has little valuable, at the present time. Do you actually drive by or stop and go in to see if she is there?
Did you tell her you were monitoring her phone activity? If you did not tell her, then don't. Just b/c you feel that telling her every thing about yourself will cause her to be honest with you......does not work with a wayward wife. Do you get it?
If you really want to know, read my threads about the WW. You will see your wife in the posts. In order to save your M, you have to use a different approach with her. Just b/c she tells you the OM texting stops today......does not mean her wayward mindset stop today. And, deciding to just trust her, is the last thing you should do right now. Don't allow her to blame you for her behavior. You can do that by not accepting responsibility for what she does out her own free will. She will twist & turn things around until you are second guessing yourself.
A WW can turn back around and become the woman you loved & married. It takes tough love, and it takes time. I hope you will not be a guy who says he simply cannot be strong enough, and gives up, lies down, and chooses to ignore the disrespect from his WW.
There is so much more involved than just her admitting she's cheating and lying. She has to be willing to work on a plan to save the M.
Step one in that plan is to successfully end all forms of contact with the OM. In order for her to succeed, she will need to be transparent until she has earned your trust again. The transparency plan is to help in securing your emotional feelings and to help build trust in the MR (which takes time). Following the plan will help her as she is going through withdrawals and fighting the urge to contact OM. She needs to understand that it can't be fixed by just acting as if there was never an affair/OM. She has to earn her way back, by proving she can be trusted over a lengthy period of time. She needs to know that her desire for you will not return until she has killed all contact with OM and has successfully gone through withdrawals (which also covers keeping the affair alive in her daydreams.) I could add a lot more right here, but will leave it for the time being.
Until her waywardness ends, there is no hope for a truly happy MR. Until step one is accomplished, you will see no change for the better in her. Every day in the M that she can have OM on the side......is another day that her respect for you goes down the drain, and harder to get back.
I hope you will post daily, b/c you will need the support while you stay on top of these issues.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Until her waywardness ends, there is no hope for a truly happy MR. Until step one is accomplished, you will see no change for the better in her. Every day in the M that she can have OM on the side......is another day that her respect for you goes down the drain, and harder to get back.
Unfortunately, this is as true as it gets. While they are in their affair, we are less than nothing to them. Sorry you are here, my friend. You will be just fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well i re-read Sandi2's rules, and the ww threads.
I went to the get together her mother held after the funeral. I talked to her brothers, and cousins. She kept asking me to come sit with her, but then a family member would come up and talk to me, so i never made it over.
I laughed with her brothers. When we got home, she started texting. I didn't ask her who, or what. She would laugh like someone had told her a joke, and i said nothing.
I told her i had to go to bed because i have an early meeting this morning. She asked me what was wrong because "she tried to include me all night, and i wasn't interested."
I just told her i was talking with her brothers. She then asked if there was anything that i needed to get off my chest.
I told her no, that i was content, but had to go to sleep so i could make the meeting.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
She then asked if there was anything that i needed to get off my chest.
I told her no, that i was content, but had to go to sleep so i could make the meeting.
KCRoo,
You missed the perfect opportunity for a 540. You execute a 540 by spinning them around and then doing a 180. Here's the math: 360 + 180 = 540.
If she asks a similar question in the future, you can say, "I'm considering a sex change." Then, you roll over and go to sleep. You see, throw her for a loop and go in the opposite direction. I don't think it's DB, but it could be a lot of fun.
Well so far today, I have not talked to her at all, which usually I probably would have texted her.
After re-reading the wayward wife posts again, I am beginning to see that when I first was following the 180's I began to see progress, so I went into a backslide.
One thing I have noticed, and it is right out of the WW playbook, like you mentioned Sandi2, is that she has told me twice how she is not attracted to me, doesn't want to kiss or have sexual relations (which I know is because she is still in the fog). But whenever I got mad and had a blow up, she would always try to get me to kiss her, and she would keep trying to kiss me to draw me back in.
After taking a step back yesterday, I have realized that she has been doing this to manipulate me, to trying to draw me in.
Well, this wont work anymore because I am trying my hardest not to get mad about the texting she does, and don't say anything about it.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
