Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[010207]

PsySara, I will have to go back and read your full thread but I am so happy to read your post. A small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction.

It gives hope to others here too so thank you for sharing.

[Hazy]

Today I heard a quote that you may like "often we listen in order to rebut instead of listening to understand"

It's so hard to not listen for understanding when the ones that are hurting us are the ones criticizing our behavior in the marriage. I am happy for you that your husband is showing interest in your marriage.

[Painter]

Very happy to hear some positive developments, Sara!

And terribly upset to hear that you and others here experience bigotry and hatred. I am so sad that we have to live in fear of assualts and verbal attacks in this country in this time.

[Surfer]

Sara,

Great news. Careful, don't rush back too fast. He needs to work on him too don't forget and he really does.

The stereotypical hatred thing is not good. It is wrong that you feel this pressure. However, I also think you are doing the right thing for now - a 180 ha ha.

You are doing great. The 'Honeymoon' - lovely idea, but what about something a little more low key. Don't raise your expectations too high and also, you don't want to have that feeling that coming home is coming home to 'the old problems'. Tricky balance all this stuff of course.

Keep going - really impressed.

Surfer.

[BluWave]

Ugh, wish I could move out of this country for the next four years, SMH. This saddens me to read, and that it's becoming acceptable to some people, that is what troubles me! (((Sara))) Please do what feels right for you, on or off, but keep fighting for your civil liberties. Sadly, your children must learn to stand up to bullies too. .... I digress .....

In terms of your H. This doesn't surprise me at all. However my initial thought was that he has done this before. There was another time--soon before he moved home--that he softened and did a complete 180 on a whim. However, it didn't last long.

My thoughts are that he is acting based on pure emotions. That's dangerous because emotions are changing at all times--like blood pressure--they are never stagnant. I would like to see your H makes some changes in himself FIRST and then make a well thought out CHOICE about his M. Enough dragging you around.

I don't want to see him run you around or hurt you anymore. You were not the perfect W, none of us are, but how dare he come and go as he pleases with no regard for you or the kids' feelings and confusion he causes (light bulb moment my arse). One moment he is acting like a pouty baby and ignoring you, sitting in the back of the car. Then he is hugging you, loving you, and won't even leave your side! I'm sorry but that's what children do!

This reads like a teenager--emotional, impulsive, and not thinking about how his actions are affecting his future or everyone around him. I think you deserve better than this. You deserve a man.

Teach him how to treat you. Keep being the best version of you for YOU. In the mean time, if he wants to renter this M, like an adult, then let him show you with real and consistent actions over time.

He needs to respect you and know that you won't put up with this on-again off-again drama anymore. You can own your mistakes in your M and you can show him your changes. But you do not have to put up with this treatment and let him justify treating you this way because you made mistakes, that's not healthy, it's abusive and controlling. If he doesn't learn to respect you, my fear is he will yo-yo right back to being a pouty baby.

2*4 with love,
Blu

[J5K]

Sara,

I am glad to hear a lot of positives each day in your life! I still pray for you! I agree with Blue though, always cautious and wise advice!

[skyhigh]

Well said Blu.

He is still in the "blame" mode even if he starts to understand you got hurt in the process. He is still in the "Me" mode.
He needs to process what he did to his family and how wrong it was, the blame has to shift from you to him in his mind (he probably won't verbalize it), it takes months for that. Otherwise he will stay convinced he was right to do what he did and might do it again if you are going though issues.

You might be going though what is called "sexual bonding". Normal phase after an affair when the spouses start to reconnect but it lasts just for a few weeks.

Giving him all the changes he wants without him making deep changes in his "thinking mode" and taking the responsibility of having an affair as "something wrong with him not you" first, is giving him again the control over you and denying you the right to have a say in that relationship.

It's when my husband said "It had nothing to do with you but me", that I knew that we could have chance together. Then he started very slowly to realize how his behavior affected me and the children. He never talked to me about that but I can tell by his actions.

The most challenging is not to decide to stay together it's to make it work with that past. It's a common journey where fairness is essential from both sides. He does his changes I do mine, but I keep my GAL and some Detach.

[Sotto]

Yes I agree with Sky and Blu. For me, until or unless there has been that shift within him, I question whether any recovery of the M would be sustainable, so I certainly would proceed with extreme caution.

Your situation has been like a rollercoaster because he has been off then on - and pulled you along in his confusion. The answer is to not get pulled along - not easy I know. But I think it is about responding positively at about 70% of his level of enthusiasm and holding that tender part of yourself back. It's also about having strong and healthy boundaries and knowing what is and isn't okay for you - putting your own needs central to the process.

Here's the rub - if you want an immature partner who flip flops all over the place - take him back right now. If you want a guy who is emotionally mature and takes responsibility for his own actions, you'll need to wait a little longer - and he may or may not get there.

That's all JMHO of course, but you do have choices and control here.

[PsySara]

010207,
I purposely have researched long threads where the signatures indicated marriages saved. I studied their strategies and used what I felt what would worked. The one thing that stood out to me was their PMA, hope can be contagious so I am glad I am spreading it around.

Hazy,
A big struggle I have had is LISTENING when WH spews and separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak. My ego had to be set aside, I had to hear that WH felt unsafe being vulnerable with me, I had to realize that my need for justice needed to take a back seat until we sorted ourselves. Of course I still keep my boundaries in place as I refuse to share my husband, if I uncover and wayward behavior I.will.be.done.

Painter,
It's funny, the people around me are more upset about me removing hijab than I am. For me the hijab was a small piece of my worship. I guess because it is so material and physically present it made people think I was super focused on it.

Surfer,
The honeymoon idea was WH's...no immediate plans but in a few weeks we should be able to set a weekend aside for just us. My coach said it's like selling a car, you let them drive it, talk about all the accessories and only after the person REALLY wants the car do you put out the price. So I am basically woeing my WH. Once he sees what he could lose will he want to fight for me. MY feelings right now are reserved and cautious, I've welcomed him back too quickly in the past and it backfired and hurt me.

Bluwave,
If that was your version of a 2x4 then it must have been coated in velvet. You are a very gentle soul. I am holding my cards close to my vest. I am continuing to work on my own demons as I find I like myself better as a mother and a person when improving myself. I have had a lot of time recently to deeply introspect. I do NOT take any responsibility for WH's cheating, lying overtly and by omission or any of the other slimy things he did while cheating. But I have to examine why I felt my marriage was bullet proof before the affair. I would have literally bet my life (pre-affair) that WH would NEVER cheat. This was with arguments, silent stand offs and anger on both sides. Why was I so self assured? Why was I blind to WH's misery? While I don't buy the grim picture he paints (rewriting history anyone?) I also am uncertain why I felt WH would simply accept an unhappy marriage. Will my marriage survive? No idea, but at least I can gain a better me out of all of this.

J5K,
Blu has the wise and I pay close attention to her advice. Thank you for the prayers.

Skyhigh,
For now I am presenting my best foot forward. Part of the 180 is about self improvement. The more I work on myself and find my center then the more WH has to reflect on his own shortcomings. Right now he doesn't have the desire (or maybe the ability) to do his own work. Just today he looked pained and overwhelmed and went to lie down in the spare room. He is only getting my best and now he is left with his unhappiness with no one to pin it on. This work will be slow and with a lot of fumbles. I will remain detached but compassionate. IT will take WH incredible strength and courage to face his actions and the ripple effects from it.

Sotto,
I feel like WH and I need to start from ground zero. However part of rebuilding a foundation is excavating the ground first (dealing with the affair.) While I will validate the feelings he has about being alone and unloved from me before the affair, I will not let him say that's what justifies his affair. His cheating was an active choice that he must square with himself. I am thinking about doing Retrouvaille in the near future. For nothing else than to have a more effective way for us to communicate.

I continue to DB and WH continues to pursue. We still have limited text messages between us (frankly because both of us are super busy at work) and we are warm and cordial while at home. I can see WH struggling inside, he has started asking me to give him a way to 'be nice" to me. He told me I've been so kind to him lately (very low pressure; just speaking gently, doing the random acts of service, sometimes a caress) He says he wants to make me feel loved, to feel important. I tell him I am okay for now but will let him know when I want something specific. Honestly I really don't NEED anything from him presently. Even my ruminating has decreased about 90%, I wonder if it's the antidepressant? I have this weird clinical view of the affair lately. I view it more as a symptom than the PROBLEM. WH has very poor coping skills, he is non-confrontational and feels I should just know his desires and wants. I've told him I need the requests in clear, concise terms. I think he still struggles with this and blame shifts when I can't mind read. So I think something like Retrouvaille might help us with this. THoughts?

[PsySara]

Just some updates...

WH and I continue to get along, I do not start R talks and I purposely keep my best foot forward. I also continue to go to the gym, get my medical condition looked into (I did the treadmill test, halter monitor and ECHO and follow up at the end of the month) and keep working on my own personal issues with anger management.

I have a lot of sticking points and am trying to figure out if I can get over the resentment and fury I feel over WH cheating. WH still isn't strong enough to discuss his role in his cheating so until he is I will hold off. Eventually it will have to be addressed and WH will have to start pulling his own. In the past he still blame shifts and feels if I had been a better wife then he would have never cheated, this is bullsh*t of course. I was often not happy in our marriage but didn't NEED to go have sex with someone else. You don't deal with an unhappy marriage by cheating, you work on fixing your marriage!

Yesterday the nanny moved one of my WH's cars to make room for my car in the garage. When WH came home he was furious and basically went to the spare room to decompress. I went in and talked to him, I validated and he appeared to be okay. Later he started talking about buying a new motorcycle and jokingly (but not really) about me buying it for him. He mentioned he put the very big down payment on my car and also is putting the down payment on the house. While I appreciate this (hugely) I also feel like his gifts have strings attached. There is an expectation that I will in turn buy him expensive gifts. This makes it seem like an exchange and not a gift. So I am mulling over how to broach this in the least inflammatory way. If I knew WH were going to bring up these expensive gifts every time he wants something then I would have just bought a cheaper car myself or waited on getting a house.

Meanwhile I pay most of the day-to-day bills, rent, car cable/internet, childcare for the baby, electricity and utilities. WH sends a chunk of his money to his parents, his uncle and pays for his vehicles, the older kids tuition,our cell phone and insurance. Somehow things ended up very different than we initially planned. He told me he would pay all household bills and I cold just pay off my student loan debt. When I have tried to bring this up he inevitably gets offended and accuses me of being ungrateful. Sigh.....not sure how to discuss this without it blowing up. Meanwhile we are closing on the house next Thursday.