To reply to your earlier comment Job, in the separation agreement there is a time when ex is supposed to pick the kids up, so far for the last 6 months he hasn't stick to it and I have always accepted his lateness because it wouldn't effect me that much if he was to be late anyway. When he has the kids there is always his sister or OW around or he drops the girls on his next door neighbour.
I'm glad to see that the kids see their family more, that they have made new friends where they live, but it looks like ex is hardly ever on his own when he has them.
Last update. Ex has decided not to take the kids to martial art after I texted him that if he is making the commitment to take them there he has to organise everything. I guess the word commitment scared him. Hahahaha.
I see his point that it might help the kids to be more confident and I will always support such initiative, nevertheless he shouldn't be expecting me to be his taxi driver when he is the one who makes the commitment. He even had a go at me saying that his request isn't about helped him out. If taking kids to a club that hHE has booked on HIS night when he can't take them isn't helping him out, then I don't know what it is.
It took my ex some time to recognize that I was no longer going to be at her beckon call. I guess she felt that I would continue to do everything when it came to our son as I had always done. Historically she would sign him up for something and it was understood that I would get to everything on time. I was fired from that position by her and she has to work those things out now. Just another way the child gets screwed in all of this but he seems to be ok with it.
Sorry to not have something more positive to say. How about you and I go dancing?
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I was talking with a friend and she was saying that my marriage might have failed because I didn't have any demands on H. Ok you might say that she isn't a good friend to say this but it got me thinking. I never stopped ex to go out as I felt that he had a life before me, so me being with him shouldn't put an hold onto it, also I hardly asked ex for help as I could do most things on my own, and I thought if I was to ask for things I would come across as needy and demanding.
So my question is how when you are demanding, isn't it another way of saying that you have expectations from the other person. What's your intake on it?
My first thought Rouky is that you should stop shouldering the blame for your husband having had an affair and breaking up his family. All the psycho-babelists will tell you that you weren't fulfilling your husbands needs and I wasn't fulfilling my wife's so they found it in another person. I'm really sorry if I offend a psychologist with this statement but that thinking is total horse $h!t. You didn't say anything about your husband going out because you trusted him and his having an affair never crossed your mind because you would have never had one. And lastly you never asked your ex for help because you loved him and wanted to make his life as pleasant as possible. I don't think it is said often enough that the person who had an affair simply has a lower set of morals than those of us who were left behind. I now thank God that my wife cheated on me because it opened my eyes to the reality of my marriage in that I did everything that mattered and was loyal, caring and nurturing and everything else that women put in their profiles on dating sites getting nothing in return from my wife. The Lord will find something better for both you and I Rouky as we are very good people and we just have to let it happen in His time. Hang in there and get out and do something!
Love you always, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Shotgun for your comforting words, as always you know how to put a smile on my face.
Funny enough I'm happy on my own. I have friends that I text regularly. I go out once a week to the cinema and usually I'm out each weekend when the kids are with their father. One change I have noticed is that I have always hated being in my own company, although this time I like it. I no longer watch tv but prefer to go back to reading books. I'm so much more relax with my kids now, I can't even recognise myself.
Another thing is that my sister said she noticed that I looked happier this Christmas that I have ever been for a long time, even my boss said that to me this morning when I went to ask him to take some time off to see one of my kids to compete in a gymnastics competition.
I think I fell in love with ex because he was charming and I was lonely. Looking back I can say that he brought the worst out of me but on the other hand (I'm not going to thank him though!), he has done me a huge favour because I'd have carried on with my life and avoiding confronting my problems and keep burying my head in the sand. What he did forced me to take a very good look in the mirror and decide to do something about it. No very easy everyday, but I'm not the person I was nearly 2 years ago, and I'm happy with this new version (still work in progress).
Ex texted to tell me that he is considering changing job. Now that's a surprised not as this summer it will be the three year mark for him. Since the moment I got with him he changed jobs every 3 years! I guess old habits die hard, and shows how immature he is if he can't stick to a job more than 3 years! It seems is looking for something. I really wouldn't want to be in his shoes, because at some point he is going to come and crash (he is only 39!) and it will be OW's problem. He can't run indefinitely, can he?
Unfortunately Rouky he can run forever. Not surprising that he changes jobs frequently as he changes the women in his life every few years as well. Bottom line is he is unhappy with himself and will likely forever be searching for an answer that lies within himself. Glad to hear that you are getting out. Also glad that you are enjoying your own company. Why would you not like being with a beautiful, intelligent, interesting, loving, wonderful person? Keep up the good work and stand proud!
God Bless, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you very much for your kind words Shotgun. I also wondered about your question! I guess ex doesn't see what you see.
We had an issue with elsdest and I had to break my NC rules. We managed to get civil. I passed on information to ex but if I hadn't rung him I'd have never known about the outcome of the situation. When I asked him why he hadn't informed me he got extremely agressive. I had been with ex for 11 years and he never show any sign of agressivity towards me until I kicked him out. I saw him being aggressive towards the mother of his eldest child, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised now as it is how he treats people who are no longer convenient to him. He doesn't like to be challenged! He said I have told you now, and we managed to finish a cordial conversation. Usually I would have carried on challenging him but 180 for me. Though I still sent him a message to thank him for dealing with this issue but sent a truth dart saying that I keep him up to date when there is an issue with kids, so I would appreciate the same courtesy.
Youngest kid told me that she asked when ex was coming back so we could be family. He replied that now where he lives is his house. She also asked him if OW was his girlfriend he said no that she was a friend and that he hasn't got any sleep over at hers! Is he for really, he can't even tell the truth to his own kids about OW being his GF!
It looks like someone who has a lot of anger (I wonder why because my conscience is clear), who can't even take responsibility for his actions but I'm seeing a side of him that I have never seen until then:the lies. Then again he was able to lie to me for two years, now I'm wondering if he was ever truthful in our M.
Another thing that I'm hurting for my kids is that for a year, my kids used to see their step sister once a week but since we each have our own house the girls have only seen her about 4 times. I guess as you said Job a leopard doesn't change his spots, and he wanted to look good to start with but got bored with it. I'm wondering when this will happen with mine.
Rouky I know that this is very unfair but your children are reaching a very impressionable age and you have to show them incredible grace and strength. Many children suffer irreparable damage at this point because of the actions of their parents. Through all of this Hell that I have lived over the last few years I have learned that I am a magnet to ladies who lost a father in their pre-teen years or early teens. My ex was one such person. Her emotional development is stunted at the point when her mother left her dad and she will likely never overcome it.
Be strong for your daughters and seek professional help for them and yourself. The person who you share children with is a weak piece of $h!t and they are starting to see it. Be the person in their life who is wise and powerful and able to overcome adversity. As in your marriage all the work is falling on your shoulders but you must persevere for your lovely children.
God Bless you always Rouky and I am here praying for you, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
As a whole my life is good.After a couple of crazy weeks at work, things have started to settle. I had to increase contact with ex as our eldest is having serious issues at school that has lead to ex and I to meet up with her headteacher next week.
In a way i'm dreading it as i will have to sit in the same room as ex ( going dark for the last 4 months has been so beneficial, that i'm scared to be drag down that hole again).
IC is going very well, and it was nice of her to tell me that she sees me glowing and smiling. She added that my glasses are off now, and i can see ex for who he is. I have changed and sadly I can't see ex changing. I'm getting better with my boundaries and ex doesn't like that I stand up to him.
Unfortunately he doesn't like to be challenged when wrong. He told me one thing and 5 minutes later he told me the complete opposite. I calmed down, texted him and made him understand that I knew he had lied and that I would expect from him the same courtesy as I show him when it comes to our kids.
I'm so pleased with myself as I'm consistent with my interactions (or lack as to speak) with ex, but also by the fact that I have grown so much recently that I can't see how I still can save my M. Ex isn't showing any sign of personal growth and to be fair I wouldn't want to be in his skin as there is so much anger. I am way ahead of him, and I can't see him catching up with me. In his eyes I'm still wrong, and I don't want someone like that in my life.Each time an incident with ex occurs, there is another layer coming of me. I said to IC that for the last few years (even before BD) I was wearing the coat of black leaves and that little by little with every incident with ex, one of these leaves is coming off and a ray of sunlight is coming through.
I still have my triggers but instead of them bugging me for days and days, it is only a matter of 30 minutes max. I believe more and more that the issue isn't me but ex.
I'm on my journey, and yes it is extremely hard but my outlook on life has changed so much that I don't want the old Rouky and I certainly couldn't go back to whom i was a couple of years ago. It wasn't me, it should have never been me, and IT WILL NEVER BE ME.
I am very impressed with you Rouky. I love it that you are seeing ex for what he is now. He will struggle with your boundaries but they are keeping you safe. Your child having issues at school is a consequence of her issues at home but you can show her that you are strong and let her see your grace coming through. Stay focused on your child when you meet with her teacher and know that all of us here are with you at that moment.
Glad also that you are seeing that the failure in your marriage was your ex's doing. Sure you would do some things differently but you were always dedicated to him. Sadly he was not dedicated to you. Or his family. You can't change that but you have learned so much about yourself and the strength and beauty that lies within you.
Love always, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
