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FrankyC Offline OP
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I honestly don't know if this is the place for me. My marital troubles seem so different from others', but I also know that's because I lack perspective.

I'm 47, my wife is 43. We've been married for 17 years. We have no kids. This is her first marriage and my third. There is no abuse nor infidelity (that I know of) in our relationship and before 3 weeks ago, I would have told you we had one of the strongest, most loving marriages I'd ever seen. We enjoyed an active sex life and had no problem talking to each other (or so I thought).

3 weeks ago, I was at work when my wife called to tell me that there was a family emergency and that she needed to go attend to it and was flying out immediately. I left work early to take care of our dog, and immediately started noticing that things were weird. Her personal computer was missing. Things were gone that she shouldn't have needed unless she was just grabbing things willy-nilly in a rush to get to her flight. I started to suspect she was leaving me, but I put it out of my mind. "No way" I thought. "She would never do such a thing to me. She always assured me that if there were problems in our marriage, we would talk about this." She knew I had severe anxiety over separation and abandonment, so the idea of her just picking up and leaving like this was completely alien to me.

She called me "from the airport" because "she had misread the departure time on her ticket" and I asked her point blank if she was leaving me, since it sure looked like someone had taken great pains to expunge all evidence of her existence from our apartment. She assured me that she wasn't leaving me and told me she'd call me once things had settled down.

Over the next few days, I started noticing more strangeness: her passport was gone, our marriage license was gone, she took things that she would never need, even for a prolonged stay out of town. At this point the panic attacks started. I was certain she was leaving me. My father tried to reassure me over the phone, telling me that if I trust her, then TRUST her, but the seed had been planted.

At the end of the week, I got an email with a separation agreement attached.

I was completely blind-sided. I had no warning that there were any problems. According to her letter, she had been dealing with severe depression (I knew this...she'd been on anti-depressants for years) and she needed a big and drastic change to see if she could break out of the cycle. She told me she couldn't do this with me being there, supporting and loving her and making her life so comfortable. She wanted to separate so she could find herself and she didn't want to "drag me down" with her. She was "freeing me so I could pursue my own happiness" despite never having discussed any of this with me. She tells me she did things the way she did because she was scared I might hurt her or myself, and she was worried she wouldn't have the determination to stick to her guns if she saw the pain in my eyes.

We've talked twice since she left, but she has otherwise stifled all communication. Our last conversation started with the words "I don't think I'm coming back", which I found especially surprising given she'd only been gone a little over a week at that point. I'll admit that in those first two conversations, I didn't know about Sandi's guidelines, so I'm sure I made many mistakes that made me the pursuer. I just couldn't believe that my loving and devoted wife had decided to discard me and our marriage like worthless trash. At the end of her last conversation with me, she told me that talking to me was taking too much out of her and that instead of talking weekly, it would now be every two weeks, if that.

Since then, I've taken many of the lessons here to heart. I've completely detached, knowing that I have zero control over this situation or how she's dealing with it. I've started working out every day, eating healthier and smaller portions, going to a therapist, and getting out more to interact with others and have a social life. I'm doing these things for myself, not her, as my goal is to improve myself. If she comes back to me, that would be nice, though it will take a lot of marriage counselling for me to get over the feelings of betrayal that this has brought up. If she doesn't come back, I'm prepared to accept this as well.

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of situation? Am I in the right place? Her withdrawal from me didn't involve infidelity, so I'm not sure how applicable the principles discussed here are to my situation. I'm just so confused, since I have so many more questions than answers. I don't know what's going on and the road forward seems like a dark and lonesome one. I know that these feelings will diminish in time, but any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: FrankyC
I honestly don't know if this is the place for me.

Quickly reading your story - you are in the right place.


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Unbelievable, Franky. Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry to hear this.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted By: FrankyC
I honestly don't know if this is the place for me. My marital troubles seem so different from others', but I also know that's because I lack perspective.

I'm 47, my wife is 43. We've been married for 17 years. We have no kids. This is her first marriage and my third. There is no abuse nor infidelity (that I know of) in our relationship and before 3 weeks ago, I would have told you we had one of the strongest, most loving marriages I'd ever seen. We enjoyed an active sex life and had no problem talking to each other (or so I thought).

3 weeks ago, I was at work when my wife called to tell me that there was a family emergency and that she needed to go attend to it and was flying out immediately. I left work early to take care of our dog, and immediately started noticing that things were weird. Her personal computer was missing. Things were gone that she shouldn't have needed unless she was just grabbing things willy-nilly in a rush to get to her flight. I started to suspect she was leaving me, but I put it out of my mind. "No way" I thought. "She would never do such a thing to me. She always assured me that if there were problems in our marriage, we would talk about this." She knew I had severe anxiety over separation and abandonment, so the idea of her just picking up and leaving like this was completely alien to me.

She called me "from the airport" because "she had misread the departure time on her ticket" and I asked her point blank if she was leaving me, since it sure looked like someone had taken great pains to expunge all evidence of her existence from our apartment. She assured me that she wasn't leaving me and told me she'd call me once things had settled down.

Over the next few days, I started noticing more strangeness: her passport was gone, our marriage license was gone, she took things that she would never need, even for a prolonged stay out of town. At this point the panic attacks started. I was certain she was leaving me. My father tried to reassure me over the phone, telling me that if I trust her, then TRUST her, but the seed had been planted.

At the end of the week, I got an email with a separation agreement attached.

I was completely blind-sided. I had no warning that there were any problems. According to her letter, she had been dealing with severe depression (I knew this...she'd been on anti-depressants for years) and she needed a big and drastic change to see if she could break out of the cycle. She told me she couldn't do this with me being there, supporting and loving her and making her life so comfortable. She wanted to separate so she could find herself and she didn't want to "drag me down" with her. She was "freeing me so I could pursue my own happiness" despite never having discussed any of this with me. She tells me she did things the way she did because she was scared I might hurt her or myself, and she was worried she wouldn't have the determination to stick to her guns if she saw the pain in my eyes.

We've talked twice since she left, but she has otherwise stifled all communication. Our last conversation started with the words "I don't think I'm coming back", which I found especially surprising given she'd only been gone a little over a week at that point. I'll admit that in those first two conversations, I didn't know about Sandi's guidelines, so I'm sure I made many mistakes that made me the pursuer. I just couldn't believe that my loving and devoted wife had decided to discard me and our marriage like worthless trash. At the end of her last conversation with me, she told me that talking to me was taking too much out of her and that instead of talking weekly, it would now be every two weeks, if that.

Since then, I've taken many of the lessons here to heart. I've completely detached, knowing that I have zero control over this situation or how she's dealing with it. I've started working out every day, eating healthier and smaller portions, going to a therapist, and getting out more to interact with others and have a social life. I'm doing these things for myself, not her, as my goal is to improve myself. If she comes back to me, that would be nice, though it will take a lot of marriage counselling for me to get over the feelings of betrayal that this has brought up. If she doesn't come back, I'm prepared to accept this as well.

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of situation? Am I in the right place? Her withdrawal from me didn't involve infidelity, so I'm not sure how applicable the principles discussed here are to my situation. I'm just so confused, since I have so many more questions than answers. I don't know what's going on and the road forward seems like a dark and lonesome one. I know that these feelings will diminish in time, but any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.


Hi,could be the start of mlc,that's what it looks like to me,


Me 56 w52
M30 years
4x adult kids
W dad died/11
W wanted d 03/12
In-house sep 03/12
D 2014 I pushed
W Left on 02/16 I pushed
Pa on 07/16
Nc after 07/16
W Cakeating 15to16
Me doormat 12to16
Limbo 12to16
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Not all situations here involve infidelity, and the books aren't focused on infidelity either.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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FrankyC Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
Unbelievable, Franky. Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry to hear this.


Trust me, I feel the same way. If someone had told me this was going to happen, I would have laughed in their face. This was literally unbelievable to me, but unfortunately, there's no disbelieving it now.

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FrankyC Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: maly
Hi,could be the start of mlc,that's what it looks like to me,


That was my feeling as well. It all seemed so arbitrary to me. I still think that this is largely an MLC issue, but I also think it is exacerbated by her depression. She has been seeing a counselor for over a year (unbeknownst to me) and is apparently getting her antidepressant meds adjusted, which means she's literally not in her right mind.

In fact, the one ray of sunshine in that second conversation was after her "I don't think I'm coming back" in which I discovered her antidepressant meds were being adjusted and I indicated that maybe it wasn't a good idea to make such a life-altering decision when undergoing psychoactive medication changes. To her credit, she did agree that it might not be the best idea at this time.

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Franky-- in many situations that are described in this forum ... there is an a life-long emotional/mental health component. For some it's mild and for others it's the core, driving issue. As someone mentioned above, there may be a midlife crisis aspect to your situation, entwined with the depression you described.

Your W must have been under the care of one or more mental health professionals, right? Are they still in the picture, somehow? Is it possible that they will steer her back into some normal range of behavior?

Also, did she actually fly away? Do you know where she is? Is the airport story all made up? What about her work? Is she still coming to her work? I'm not encouraging you to snoop -- to the contrary, the less you do the healthier you will be, I think. But it's good to have a reasonable picture of what's going on.

Finally, you mentioned taking care of yourself. That's great. The more you reflect about yourself, the more you will understand about your marriage dynamic. And, besides, as they often repeat here, there is almost nothing you can do to change your wife. The only thing you can change is yourself. To be a healthier, better partner in the future, regardless of whether you save your marriage or not.

I do want to add, though, that in a situation where professional intervention is needed, I think it is OK and good to try to get the care your spouse needs.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
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FrankyC Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
Your W must have been under the care of one or more mental health professionals, right? Are they still in the picture, somehow? Is it possible that they will steer her back into some normal range of behavior?


According to things my wife has told me, she's been seeing a counsellor for over a year, but I know nothing about this counsellor. I have no idea if they are still treating her or if she's seeing another, nor do I have any notion of how they are steering her. The only conclusions I can draw at this point is that the counsellor was not encouraging my wife to communicate with me about whatever problems she might have with our marriage, which sounds to me like a very poor counsellor.

Originally Posted By: ForGump
Also, did she actually fly away? Do you know where she is? Is the airport story all made up? What about her work? Is she still coming to her work? I'm not encouraging you to snoop -- to the contrary, the less you do the healthier you will be, I think. But it's good to have a reasonable picture of what's going on.


Well, therein lies the rub. I don't have a reasonable picture of what's going on. All I know is she appears to be living with her parents in their town (about 4 hours drive from me). Her work has offices in multiple cities and she is able to work remotely, so as far as I know, they're being very accommodating of her during this time. Aside from that, I'm not certain of anything (and I'm not even really certain about what I am 'certain' about.) She's been lying to me for a long time and I don't expect it to stop now. I refuse to snoop or press for more information, so now I just have to accept a lot of unknowns.

Originally Posted By: ForGump
Finally, you mentioned taking care of yourself. That's great. The more you reflect about yourself, the more you will understand about your marriage dynamic. And, besides, as they often repeat here, there is almost nothing you can do to change your wife. The only thing you can change is yourself. To be a healthier, better partner in the future, regardless of whether you save your marriage or not.

I do want to add, though, that in a situation where professional intervention is needed, I think it is OK and good to try to get the care your spouse needs.


Thank you for your kind words of support. I really appreciate them. They help more than I can possibly say.

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