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I also realize that there is absolutely nothing that makes this better.... winning a fight, winning more money, having a guy that is head over heels for you.

It still doesnt feel right.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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My best friend is going through a really hard time in his marriage. At the crux of the issue is that he feels he was put on this planet to play pool, and he hasn't achieved his goals with this game. It is beyond soul crushing to him. He only has a few years left before he's too old to compete at the highest levels. Maybe to some this seems trivial, but for him it's like a woman who always wanted children approaching an age when she couldn't have children anymore. This is his life's purpose, and something he feels like he needs to do.

When he has tried to write off playing pool and give it up it doesn't work. He gets depressed. He gets resentful. He can't be a good husband and father. He can bottle his pain for months at a time, then he just can't do it anymore. It kills him that his wife basically doesn't seem to care that he's dying inside, and that she's ok with it as long as he shuts up and provides for her and the family and bottles it up well enough. When he can't do that anymore he'll announce that he's going to play pool more, and she'll stand back and give him some room to play. But pool is a tough game, and when you're competing with 22 year olds that play 12 hours a day and devote their entire lives to the game, it's hard to win when you're working hard 5-6 days a week and negotiating with your wife to find half days to go practice once a week. It just doesn't work. So he'll work like hell to practice up and compete, but then he'll lose a big match or something will happen that makes him realize he just can't make it work, and he's back to hopeless, suicidally depressed.

He's thought about leaving the family and just playing pool, but he won't do that. He's thought about suicide, but he won't do that either. He feels trapped into just slaving away for his family and counting days until he dies.

The point of all of this is that he is angry with his wife. See, she works part time, and if she went full time she could earn enough that he could cut his hours way back and play more pool. He wants this more than anything in the world. They could downsize their house a bit, she could carry a bit more weight for a while, and he could make this work for him. But she is absolutely not going to do this. She keeps telling him, "You are going to work". And he can't take it. He feels all he needs in the world for him to be fulfilled is to just take some weight off his back for a while and she absolutely refuses. He's totally stuck and feels she's the problem.

I haven't told him exactly how I feel about it because he won't hear it, but my feelings are: That's life, bro. It [censored]. But there are two points here.

First of all, life [censored] for all of us. That's how it works. Yes, it is heartbreaking you don't get to achieve the one thing God put you on this planet to do. It is. It really is. But you know what? There are millions of people that die too young of starvation, lack of medical attention, or in automobile accidents. There are people sold into slaver or sex trafficking. There are people that are falsely imprisoned and spending their life in jail over mistakes. There are people that are hit by texting or drunk drivers that spend their lives in wheelchairs. All of those people, everyone in fact in some way or another, everyone has their hopes and dreams die. Everyone suffers. The fact is that we're all going to lose everything, suffer, and die. Yes, it [censored]. But it's life. And you can't change that. You can't solve that.

And secondly, and mainly, in fact the reason I wrote this entire post, is that it's not his wife's fault. I keep thinking, bro, it's not your wife's fault that this world costs money to survive in. It's not her fault that this is our world. Yes, she could work full time and not be able to stay home with the children a couple of days a week, but you know what? That's her pool. That's what she feels she needs to do. That's what life is about to her. And the same way he only has a few years left to play pool, the kids are only their ages once. She's talking about home schooling next year, etc. Now I get it may seem unfair that she gets to unilaterally decide she doesn't have to work full time while he has to, but you know what? She is reasonable about letting him travel, compete, and play a healthy amount of the time. Is it enough to compete with 22 year old world champions? Heck no! But that is not her fault. That is just the darn world we're living in. It's not her fault. The fact is she could work 7 days a week and he could get hit by a truck tomorrow and never lift a cue stick again, or he might still not be good enough because he's too late in life, or maybe there are others that just want it more, or whatever. And even if he wins a pro event he'll still lose those gift and then lose everything else and eventually his life as well. That's darn sure not her fault.

So the main point of all of this is that just because your spouse could potentially be a robot that did everything you wanted and needed them to and it would make things easier for you, doesn't mean that if they are their own person with their own conflicting priorities and needs and independence that they are awful people. Donald Trump could solve all of my financial problems by giving me 10 million dollars, he refuses to do that, what a jerk! No, it doesn't work that way. That would just be unreasonable expectations. I might as well buy a dog and get upset he won't play chess with me.

So when I read about the resentment you have towards your WAH you list all of these things he did or didn't do, and I'm just like, J, it's not WAH's fault that life is a m------f------. It just isn't. If you were single those years your life would've been hard as hell regardless. You just wouldn't have had a scapegoat.

I don't expect you to just let go of all of your anger immediately, or to suddenly be able to accept the circumstances of your life and have it trouble you no longer. At some point though your anger towards WAH may be a bit greater than is merited by his actions, he's just another suffering fool stumbling around this world doing his best in his own lost way. At least recognize this has more to do with your expectations and your disappointment with how our world works. This helped me anyway. Once I realized there was no one to get mad at I calmed down a bit.

This post isn't all about you either J. I've been watching my best friend for a while now and reflecting to how I felt resentment during and after my M. This is about all of us.

If nothing else know we're hear with you and I am hearing your pain J.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Zues, that was an excellent post! Life isn't fair. It just isn't. For anyone, actually. There are parts that are great, and there are parts that s*ck big time. ANd we want to find someone to blame for it. But blaming someone doesn't change a thing.

I can sit here and say it's all my ex's fault, 9 years later I am still single, renting a house, not owning, changed jobs umpteen jobs to make it work for my D9's schedule, had no help from anyone, and now I am in a job that pays well and is flexible but bores the crap out of me and I have no passion for like I did my other jobs. But I can't keep blaming him. It just it what it is and I do the best with it.

JuJu, I want you to think about something. Your ex slept until 2 everyday, didn't help you, wasn't pretty much absent from the family. You resented him for that. Imagine you were still with him, you got this diagnosis for your S, he was still uninterested and sleeping in until 2 every day and still didn't communicate. The only thing that would be different is finances. But you would still be unhappy, you would still be resentful of his choices.

The divorce only changed the finances. Let's say you get what you feel financially entitled to. Will you feel better? Will all the rest go away? Will the divorce not upset you anymore?

The truth is, the only way you would have been happy with him is if HE changed. If he woke up at a decent time, was a part of the family, helped with S, was a supportive loving H. But you can't make him into something he is not. And if you are going ot hinge your happiness on him becoming someone he isn't, you are in for a life of misery. ANd you would have been in for a life of misery with him or without him because he wasn't going to change with or without you.

So what do you want? A life if misery or happiness? Some people are very content with a life of misery if they have someone to blame. But I met you. That is not you. You are a vibrant beautiful, smart woman and mother who has great potential to enjoy this life and to enjoy a true partner ship and a happy life. You aren't a miserable woman. So don't be one!!!! It really is a choice! I'd hate to see a missed opportunity to enjoy life because of this guy who can't be what you need him to be. Whether you were married to him or not. because if you were still married to him, you would still have to make that choice every day not to be miserable. to be happy given a circumstance you weren't happy with.

You've got the power to change this.

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I could not help but get upset when I read about your best friend Zues, because his story is mine pre BD.

While my ex did not play any sports, he wanted to be able to sleep whenever he wanted and work and watch football. He resented the sacrifices that come with having a family. He left and I am positive he is a happier man. He can do whatever he wants now. He sees his son 4 days a month and during that time, his mother wakes up early with him and bathes him and puts him to bed. Life is super easy.

Here is my opinion. Being married and having a child was something ex and I both agreed on. It is no big secret, that having children changes your life. That you make sacrifices when you bring a child into the world. But don't sign up for something you cant handle. And if you do sign up for it and find it difficult, toughen up because you committed. Imagine if our soldiers committed to the armed forces, only to decide "hey this is tough. let me walk away from it all in the midst of battle"

To walk away from parenthood means that someone else has to take up for your slack. In some cases, tax payer money. In my case, my retired parents. Having a child is a huge sacrifice. But i chose to have a child and I am going to stay committed to that child no matter how hard it is and despite the sacrifices I too made (career, health, hobbies, passions, entertainment). I am also going to do whats in the best interest for the child that I chose to bring into the world, even if it means my dreams are not met. If I was to pursue a lifelong hobby and have my spouse work full time, who would be there for the kids? A nanny? Grandma? Our choices and actions in life have consequences. We have to live with the consequences in a way that is morally and ethically right.

My ex is not a jerk because he is refusing to give me a million dollars to make my life easier. He is a jerk because he broke a commitment in order to choose an easier path for himself and inconvenience others for what was his choice in life.

His resentment torward's me, and his villification of me were deeply traumatizing. He takes no ownership of that. But I do think we should take ownership of how we treat other people in life.


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Ginger

You are absolutely right. When my ex left, he actually told me "nothing will change for you" and it really was the truth. My life is no more difficult now then it ever was. Truth be told, I get more financially now then when I was with him. I am different then a lot of people on these boards because I was coming from nothing. I dont look back and have all these wonderful memories. I did not have to downsize or change my lifestyle habits.

Maybe I am mad more because things never were the way they should have been? Maybe because I tried so hard to always do the right thing. Married someone i believed was responsible,had a good career, seemed like a loyal stable person. I went to school, became a professional, worked hard, lived responsibly ...but i still ended up living the life of a teenager that got knocked up.

And yes. I know. theres so much worse that could happen. Death, sickness, job loss, injury. To any one at any time. Its ridiculous that i hold on to it.

Im trying though.


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And yeah, I know. But thanks for reminding me because I do need it!

Life is not about fairness. Its about living in a way that is reflective of our beliefs and morals. Its about dealing with and working past whatever situations present themselves to us... No matter how unfair they seem.

It was unfair that my ex bailed. But thats what he did. And harping on the unfairness wont change things or make me feel better in any way,


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But the world and society does in fact have an obligation to correct wrongs and make things fair. If it didn't, society would fall apart. Murderers, thieves, rapists, those who commit assault, are all subjugated to consequences. Personally, I think spouses that have children and walk away are probably at the worst end of the spectrum of low lives.

The consequences are necessary for the good of society.

There are no consequences for these walkaways that leave their families in financial difficulty. So when you get a personality that is inherently selfish what's to prevent them for exploiting others?

Maybe enough people have to get angry in order for their to be harsher consequences?

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be allowed to leave your spouse. But when there are kids involved you should be responsible for ensuring that they have what they would have with 2 parents.


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Jujub, I can read a lot of anger in your post and I fully understand your feeling. Unfortunately it's only you who are making yourself like this. Not your WH who has checked out. Like you I felt that life was unfair and it is but as Zeus and Ginger are saying this is what it is and we only have two options: either blame ex or working hard at making our life better.

We can't change what happened, but we can learn to appreciate what we hav now (something we never used to). I know it is so hard to fight negativity but if I can, so can you.

Hang in there

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Ok, say he was ordered by the court to pay you a one lump sum as his punishment. Or if by law he was forced to come home. O Or he was imprisoned for 3 years?

Would this make anything better? Would you let go of the anger then?

What is it that the law should assure the child would have with two parents?

OK, if we had 2 incomes, we would probably own a house. How does the law assure I have a house? And my ex has a house because se lives there too? My parents were married until I was 17, but we only rented a small 2 bedroom apartment.

I know you are as angry as can be. I also think you have a right to be. But it is taking you over. To the point you need to have him punished SOMEHOW. But I don't know that would even make you feel better until you decide to feel feel better.

And FWIW, there will be consequences. They may not be the way you expect them to be, but he will have them. He has to live with hiself.

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J, I understand your disappointment with our society which is supportive of abandoning marriages and family when personal happiness is inconvenienced. I also recall your fear that other men would abandon you in any future marriage when things get tough, and that you are upset that the world works this way because it interferes with you getting what you want and need in your life. I can see why you'd be angry at your H, both for the hurt he caused directly, and because he represents everything you feel is wrong with the world and embodies the universal attitudes that prevent your shot at achieving a fulfilling relationship in the future.

I was angry for the exact same reasons for some time. What helped me was understanding why I was really angry. And that is that I saw in XW the attitudes and outlooks that I feel are wrong with the world, those that threaten to destroy the very ideas of marriage and family. Because I have a different view than most others on this side. While others speak optimistically about their next marriage, now that I've watched the game played out so many times with my eyes wide open I'm unable to deny what I see. And that is that while at the micro level there are exceptions, at the macro level relationships just don't work the way I wished they did in this world. Now that the hardship and oppression that kept bad marriages together in the past has eased and people have the resources to follow the path of least resistance, humanity overall is simply too selfish to make marriage work. And this means there is a good chance I'll never have the committed deep love I longed for in this lifetime.

This is very hard. It is a big loss. It is grieving not only my marriage and my family and the future I thought I had, but it's grieving my belief that this will happen for me altogether. And I can't medicate and try to ease my pain by assuring myself I'll get this all someday, because I know maybe I won't. So more loss to grieve and less happy thoughts to battle those dark feelings.

But the good of this is that by letting go of hope for the future, I've been forced to grieve and accept these losses. I am not clinging to the hope of a relationship and then having every ensuing reminder of humanity's shortsightedness trigger me into PTSD, open old wounds, or pour fuel on a raging internal fire of wondering if a happy romantic relationship is in my future. Instead I've been forced to ask the question- knowing that things don't work the way I want them to, do I want to enjoy what life does have to offer, or destroy myself to spite God with my disapproval of how he allowed the world to work? And I've made the decision that I'd be ungrateful not to celebrate what I do have. In fact, for me to reject what has been given to me out of anger would be just as destructive and short sighted as those that walk out on families.

People just are how they are. I'll get what I get. And I can be ok with that.

And that doesn't mean for sure that I can't be surprised by what's in store for me in the future. Maybe someday I open up to a woman, and it does indeed turn out that I'm in the minority of second marriages that doesn't end in divorce, infidelity, abuse, or perpetual hostility and resentment. Great. I'll take it. But I'm not going to hinge my appreciation of my life today on getting a guarantee about that.

In fact, I feel like this is almost identical to detaching from your WAS in DBing 101. It would be great if your spouse turned back before it was too late and you lived happily ever after, but clinging to hope and remaining attached to that outcome doesn't help. It just keeps the wound from healing over, and that pain causes anger and resentment that make it difficult to be your best self that would make that person or any other want to be around you anyway.

So while my outlook may not appear to be a positive one, for me this has been a catalyst to release my anger. And I may not be as opposite as I seem. Because I'm not saying marriages can't ever work. What I'm really trying to say is that they often don't, and they might not for me, and I'd rather deal with that possibility and choose to be ok regardless than to condition my ability to appreciate what's in my life to an unlikely outcome I can't control.

Cliff notes- you're right, your WAH is selfish and won't remain in a marriage, so is most of humanity. Bingo. Well diagnosed. Now what do you think you should do with your time between now and when you die?

Sorry if this is discouraging to anyone. I'm in a truly peaceful place right now and wanted to share the road that I found through this mess. Wishing you all support for the struggles of today and hoping you all have a moment today that wasn't all terrible.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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