Never good enough

[Dawgs]

in a way he would normally like. Essentially I'm trying to do all the things he has issues with, without going overboard.

I'm reading this as doing this to get his attention. Am I correct? If so, why?

Good for you on the phone! And no, you aren't on the wrong track. I suggest you do what you can to get one - even if its borrowing money. Protect yourself.

[010207]

I am trying to get his attention. I want him to see me again. I feel like I'm an inanimate object in his eyes that can just be tossed away. It's like a light switch was flipped and there's this unclimbable wall between us. Just trying to figure out how to get to the other side.

Any idea what happens if one spouse doesn't get an A or can't afford one?

[010207]

Ok, so I'm kind of just journaling here, but feedback is always welcome.

I found myself in an Ok place tonight. H previously had melanoma and can no longer tan which is a huge disappointment to him considering who he is. So of course tonight he asked for help putting on his self tanner.

I felt like I had a better chance of him seeing positive things if we were on positive speaking terms so I said since we're being decent to each other I feel I can tell you that this has to stop. This coldness between us isn't helping.

He agreed and said I don't hate you. I'm not even angry with you but you were mad and this is what happened. I told him I was hurt. He said I thought when we talked months ago you knew this was coming but looking back I know I left you feeling like we were going to work on things. And maybe I did work on it, but I realized that I'm 40 something and don't want to have the ups and downs in our marriage. I refrained from saying every marriage has them and just agreed instead.

I said some of the things I've written here using "I". I felt unworthy. I felt unwanted and i felt unloved. I got up every morning just to get through the day and this helped me realize that I'm better than that.

He said he knows and apologized if he played any role in that. He said he told me all the things that bothered him and since I didn't do anything to change for him, he felt unloved and as though he didn't matter enough to me to bother trying. I just nodded and listened.

He in fact did tell me, but in nasty ways and I was hurt and angry each and every time. Just another way I wasn't good enough. And he's right, I never made a real effort.

He finally said the ILBNILWY and that he firmly believes once it's gone, it's gone. We talked about some financial things and I asked if we could just postpone things for a few months to get our debt in order. He said no. After a few minutes I finally said I think I've had enough for one night we can talk some more later.

Part of me feels better, on a better footing. The other part is dying.

[Dawgs]

Any idea what happens if one spouse doesn't get an A or can't afford one?

In a nutshell? They lose. Sorry to be so blunt, but going up against a savvy lawyer without counsel will make it, well, almost impossible.

[Dawgs]

. And maybe I did work on it, but I realized that I'm 40 something and don't want to have the ups and downs in our marriage. I refrained from saying every marriage has them and just agreed instead.

Wow. My ex had this idea of what a marriage is supposed to be, and a good marriage doesn't include "ups and downs" in her eyes. Sounds a bit like what yours said. Ew.

He finally said the ILBNILWY and that he firmly believes once it's gone, it's gone. We talked about some financial things and I asked if we could just postpone things for a few months to get our debt in order. He said no. After a few minutes I finally said I think I've had enough for one night we can talk some more later.

Once again, his feeling is parroting my ex's. Interesting. His not wanting to postpone is concerning, to say the least. You can drag your feet, if need be. Don't let him dictate the circumstances.

Part of me feels better, on a better footing. The other part is dying.

It sounds like you are doing better - keep it up! We are all dying inside from this, some just choose not to admit it.

[010207]

Much different attitude from H in the last 2 days and I'm not sure how to take it.

Yesterday morning he mentioned my weight loss. He said, in typical woman fashion, you lose weight and it's another man that will get to enjoy it.

Shortly after he left, he called me to talk about the weather of all things. An hour later I get a text asking if he could start texting me now. He sent me 7 texts throughout the day. Nothing significant or of consequence. Some just to tease about me having no knowledge of how to operate a cell phone.

Today I got a text asking me to ask my mom to watch the kids on Saturday. I have plans and apparently so does he. He made plans to go out with a couple of girls, some single. 1 happens to be a friend of mine which is how I know about it. I also know that it got cancelled. But his text said, it may be canceled but I want that to be from "him" not because I couldn't make it. Why lie? He hasn't before. In fact he told me about getting together with them, just not when.

The he came home at lunch time because D was sick so he picked her up from school. He actually waited to leave until I had my break from work. Again, no major conversation, more teasing and laughing about the cell phone.

At first I was excited. I thought these are positive steps. But is it really? Is he just happy because he thinks I'm ok with this and he can go on guilt free?

As far as I know, he still has an appointment with an attorney tomorrow.

[ForGump]

This is a known unknown. There is no way of knowing what he's thinking. Is it possible that he's having second thoughts about divorcing? Not very likely, but maybe. It's more likely that being nice to you eases his sense of guilt.

Regardless, try best to not let it affect you. Wayward spouses are all over the place emotionally. They could take a positive step, then take two negative steps.

Wish you strength. You've got a long road ahead.

[Dawgs]

It's more likely that being nice to you eases his sense of guilt.

^This

[010207]

Journaling.

The last few days have been "nice". Pleasant conversation about nothing. No D talk. He initiates all conversation and texts and I reply only when necessary.

2 nights ago, I couldn't sleep so I spent the night on the couch so as not to disturb him. He joked about it but seemed a little upset. Last night I went to bed early and he left the bedroom to the kitchen. Realized I left DR in my pocketbook so I went to the kitchen to get it. Of course he was texting so, completely against the rules I said you don't need to come out here and hide what you're doing. He was nice about it and said I wasn't and I'm talking to so and so and turned the phone to show me. Told him it didn't matter and I didn't care, just didn't want him to feel like he had to hide. He proceeded to put the phone away and went right to bed with me.

Several texts today. He knew I wanted to go clothes shopping and asked me not to go because of all the rioting and worried what could happen at a mall. When I said I'd think about it, I immediately got a response, if you decide to go, wait for me and I'll take you. All positive things, right?

I walked in on him getting dressed and had to walk back out. We've always had a really great sex life and I miss that so much. It's so painful not to be able to touch my H.

A few minutes later he tells me how he opened up several new bank accounts at a different bank. Such a little thing but so different from his usual self and it felt like a slap in the face.

I've been feeling ok the last few days. But I'm slipping back down again just from seeing him undress. I miss him

[ForGump]

Your pain is palpable. It sounds like you're making some progress. Not that you want to hang your hopes on little responses from him -- to the contrary, the more you look for little responses, the more you set yourself up for a big fall. He's going to be all over the place. Be strong. Prepare yourself. Be great.