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Zephyr #2726589 01/20/17 09:00 PM
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roiste, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Not many people left from our crowd of 2015/16. I hope your situation is getting better. Mine is the same, nothing to report. I will post soon. I just wanted to wish you the best and I hope you find what you need. Be well



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
mutatio #2726595 01/21/17 12:51 AM
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Mutatia,

It is great to hear from you. Thank you for checking in. I look forward to reading an update from you.

I often wondered how you were getting along and hoped that dropping the rope had given you the freedom to blossom.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2727819 01/30/17 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted By: roist


Her parents seem to be living a similar situation.Her mother seems to live in another room. Her dad was/is depressed. They both ooze of resentment towards each other.


Roist,

Some questions for you:

1. How much of your W's staying in your home/marriage unhappily just following her parents' example? Is she just staying there for financial reasons? for the kids? or is she also "standing" in her own way?

2. From your posts, it seems like both of you aren't the most forthcoming with your feelings, so resentment builds up on both sides. Is that correct? If so, what are you doing to change that dynamic?

3. How does your dynamic with your W affect your children? They are old enough to be able to perceive things, but I'm guessing not old enough to articulate their feelings about those thing.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2728372 02/03/17 06:47 AM
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Hello Gordie, thanks for dropping by and for your questions. Here are my replies:

1. Isn't it obvious that my W is still here because I am too awesome to leave. wink No seriously I cannot answer that for her. I don't know. My W is critical of her parents R so I doubt she is just emulating that. About two years ago she was offered a full time job, so that could have set her up financially if she had taken it. I imagine the kids are a big part of it.

I see signs that she's not fully done yet, so maybe she is standing in her own way. But I have often reflected on what it would be like to feel stuck with someone you don't want to be with. That must be terrible so fair credit to her for still being here.

But essentially this is mostly mind reading and I prefer to concentrate on the fact she is still here and no imminent signs of that changing.

2. That is a huge question. Before I started working on saving our M I would say that was absolutely true. I was of the mentality if she wasn't going to make an effort then neither was I. It was a very negative time and the deepest part of my depression.

Then I realised what I wanted and got in touch with my feelings and was willing and able to discuss them. But she wasn't receptive. That was a real eye opener for me as to the depth of how bad our situation was.

Long story short I since have worked a lot on eliminating resentment from our R. There are times I get fed up with the situation but for the mostpart I no longer resent the situation and I definitely don't feel resentment towards my w. When I struggle I remind myself she is having a difficult time too.

I have done a lot of work to replace negativity and resentment.The best way to do that is by replacing them with positive emotions. I choose gratitude and empathy. In essence you cannot feel negative whilst feeling grateful or any other positive feeling.

I am grateful my W checked out as this enabled me to embark on discovering so many learning I would otherwise have remained oblivious to. It really can be a gift, though I would prefer to end this phase like every one else here.

3. Another good but complicated question. Short answer is that although we are not demonstrating a perfectly loving couple neither are we inflicting traumatic interactions on our boys. We relay more than parent together but we do support each other with the kids.

It is not the example I want them growing up as a model of how to be, but it is not that bad. I am sure they pick up on some stuff but so far I am not worried about that for them.

The little brats probably try the devide and conquer technique a little as we are not 100% together but we are fairly consistent and together in our approach to them.

My W stayed at home several years and has a strong impression she is the boss in the house regarding the boys. I have upped my status and reclaimed equality, but it is slow. I did so first to be ready if I had to parent solo bit also to be the best dad possible.

I have read and learned a lot about parenting. I wasalways interested and present but now it is highly important for me. I thought I was doing good before this crisis but I realise I was coasting.

Got to go. Thanks for probing

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2728515 02/04/17 08:57 AM
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Your situation reminds me a bit of mine. (Pre MLC, that is. Certainly not similar now as your wife is not crazy and my h is off the charts weird. Just a minor difference. Ha ha.)

However, what I find impressive, is your ability to get in touch with what you wanted and to work toward your goals.

Personally, I think you should try some 180's to shake it up a bit. I know you have young kids, but do you have a night or two you take for yourself to explore something of interest? If not, this would be healthy for you. I think with a live-in, it's vital to get away. Do you take a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday to explore things by yourself?

And over time, your w just may start to notice your level of engagement elsewhere has increased.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
roist #2728954 02/07/17 12:46 PM
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***Isn't it obvious that my W is still here because I am too awesome to leave. ;)***

YES!!!

***Then I realised what I wanted and got in touch with my feelings and was willing and able to discuss them. But she wasn't receptive. That was a real eye opener for me as to the depth of how bad our situation was. Long story short I since have worked a lot on eliminating resentment from our R. There are times I get fed up with the situation but for the mostpart I no longer resent the situation and I definitely don't feel resentment towards my w. When I struggle I remind myself she is having a difficult time too.***

Wow, this is an aspirational place for me to be.

***I have done a lot of work to replace negativity and resentment.The best way to do that is by replacing them with positive emotions. I choose gratitude and empathy. In essence you cannot feel negative whilst feeling grateful or any other positive feeling.***

Wow, another eye opener.

***I am grateful my W checked out as this enabled me to embark on discovering so many learning I would otherwise have remained oblivious to. It really can be a gift, though I would prefer to end this phase like every one else here.***

Have not found this gratitude for this trial.

***My W stayed at home several years and has a strong impression she is the boss in the house regarding the boys. I have upped my status and reclaimed equality, but it is slow. I did so first to be ready if I had to parent solo bit also to be the best dad possible. I have read and learned a lot about parenting. I was always interested and present but now it is highly important for me. I thought I was doing good before this crisis but I realise I was coasting.***

Yes, I think I've been coasting, but this situation has forced me to up my game. Thanks for your honesty.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
HaWho #2728987 02/07/17 01:58 PM
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Ha who,
Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I have a lot; f goals I am chipping away at. I am not progressing as fast as I would prefer but I avoid stressing about that. I am going in the right direction and tbh maybe I am working on too many things at once, but eventually it will all click together and Roist 2.0 will be born!!

I do make "me" time every week and every day. Buti I hear your advice. It is good and part of what I am working on. I have no problem getting busy but really getting a life outside the house I am not yet fully there. That being said I do sport with friends most weeks and go out now and again.

I am more active is seeking out fun stuff to do, something I have given more importance to this year than before. A few weeks ago I heard a band on the radio that I never heard of and when the DJ said they had a gig near us I just had to go. I went with a friend and it was v good. This is a 180 for me. I have not been to see a band in a long long time. But when I heard the add for them I just had a strong urge to go.

I aim to seize many more opportunities as they present and as I create them. Carpe Dium. I will balance this with my family life and work commitments.

Earlier on I wondered about going into LRT would "work" on snapping my W back into being: interested. Having observed her/us the last 2.5 years I believe it may just do that. I am now moving towards filling my life as opposed to trying a tactic to change her mind. I still learn about relationships and M including how to save them, but it is no longer my sole driving force.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2729129 02/08/17 08:49 AM
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Wow, I like what I’m reading here roist, you sound like you are in a good place right now. Keep it up my friend. smile

I know DB says to do it (make changes, GAL, etc.) for us and not our spouse, but I can assure you that your wife IS watching and taking notes!

Originally Posted By: roist
Earlier on I wondered about going into LRT would "work" on snapping my W back into being: interested. Having observed her/us the last 2.5 years I believe it may just do that. I am now moving towards filling my life as opposed to trying a tactic to change her mind. I still learn about relationships and M including how to save them, but it is no longer my sole driving force.


I believe you are wise not to jump into LRT unless you are near done with the M, and willing to see it end. I know you are not there now. Work on connection, whenever she is open to it. When she is not, go back to giving time and space, and doing your own thing.

And yes, I also believe that hyper focus on saving the marriage, while natural in the beginning, can be detrimental if we overdo it for too long. I know it was for me. It was tiring and wore me down, especially during the times when I seen little or no improvement. Sometimes you just need to back away from it all and enjoy life as it is.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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I recently asked our therapist (privately) what she thought would happen if I withdrew from W, in an attempt to draw her towards me.

“If you withdrew a little, scares me a little because once you go down that path she may agree and then you can't turn back. I don't like to entertain that option until it truly is the only option.”

Makes sense to me. Better in our situations, I think, to continue to improve connection with our wives.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY...not to hijack roist, but has there been any improvement with your situation? Or, has all the improvement just been on a personal level within yourself?


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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