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although I know her cheating is just a symptom of her MLC, like how could she do this? It's just not her? It's all just so unbelievable to me


Sometimes it is a symptom of a MLC and sometimes it isn't. This could have been coming for a long time. Maybe yours has something deeper like mine did, which wasn't a MLC. Whether it is or isn't is irrelevant as it won't change the inevitable outcome. Don't concentrate on WHY she cheated, as it will only drive you crazy. Ask me how I know. You won't ever find the reason, no matter how hard you look or what you read. Sure, some do it because of a MLC...and some do it simply because they don't care. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is your time now. I have found that the gym heals all sorts of things. Exercise is the best antidepressant there is. Godspeed, my friend.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Jeep74
Thanks for your insight.
Her main concern or desire that she expressed to me is that she wants her independence. And that the passion or love is gone from her and she's not sure it will ever come back. Whatever the reason for her cheating, and I'm not positive she is, you're right, it doesn't matter.
I have to do things for myself. I've began to plan out my detachment in a way I hadn't before. Not with the intent to spark change in her but to do it for my future betterment whatever happens.
I know now that's the best path for me.
Thanks buddy, appreciate the time you took to give your advice.
Stay strong
AK8

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Gordie.
Thank you for the effort and time you took to respond to my post and thoughtfully pose these questions. I was really nervous/anxious about posting my story, but I somehow knew it would be therapeutic and helpful to my sitch and well being. I'm glad for your directness and concern.
1. I guess I never thought I had the capability financially to get married. I have a ton of debt, and I always thought that would destroy our credit and it always seemed when I did have the money we needed it for more important things. I wish we had gotten married, but I don't think now it would've made a difference to her going through MLC. Her dad aboned her family when she was very young and is one of the most cold ppl you ever want to meet. I think she suffers from that abandonment and this in part is where her MLC stems from. If we can make it through this and get back our R, marriage will mean so much more. My D and S have my last name and I know it's important to her that she share that name, at least it was before the MLC. Hopefully one day we can share that.
2: too late as in too late to reconnect, get married or be together. At this point, the day before Xmas, it was BD in my opinion. ILYBINILWY, no passion anymore, not sure it's gonna come back, doesnt want any physical contact, basically expressed her need for in-house Seperation.
3. I do suspect an EA. its hard for me to believe she's having a PA and she thoroughly denies she's having either. I'm going to go about my plan to detach under the impression she's is having at least an EA. I think that's the best way to protect myself.
4. I don't know... it seems like in-house separation is looked upon in this forum like a sitch with no positive outcome. From what I've read on here it doesn't work unless you can totally remove yourself from their presence. As much as I can detach I see her every day. She wants to tell me about her work, she wants to eat dinner together, she wants to do family things like movies and dinner, etc.. But that's after she does her thing like go to the gym or after she gets back from her trips.. is this cake eating?
5. No one has suggested leaving my kids. In fact she says I don't have to leave, that that's not what she wants me to do. I think this comes from her fear that if I left the kids would want to come with me (because they most certainly would want to). She says she doesn't want to do that to the kids. But also, in her mind, if I left and the kids stayed (only because I don't have the financial capability to take them with me) she would not be capable of taking care of them on her own.
6. I have not bought the books yet. The only plan I have or steps I have taken have been to work out religiously and change my health and appearance. I always shower and put on cologne after the gym. I always have my hair nice and I'm always clean shaven now and dressed good.
I'm also confused concentrations on my kids and showing them as much love as possible.
I respect her physical boundaries she has set. No touching, sleeping together, no sex (obviously).
I don't call or text her first ever.
I don't initiate conversation, but I do try to practice validation by looking her in the eye when she speaks to me and say validating things like "I know you will do a great job" or "your track record shows only positive outcomes" etc...
I always try to end the conversation or not respond to her last text. (Sandies rule?) I'm not sure if this works for her yet. When she sees I'm not texting back the texting will stop.
I try to go to the gym when I know she'll be here. I'm gonna go anyway I might as well make it during a time when it will show her I'm being independent. (This is a 180 as I would never have done tha at before, actually before her MLC she would get pissed if I were to leave while she was home!)
I'm working hard to make as much money as possible. She's always been a very money conscious person. This is a 180 for me as I've never viewed money that way. I guess I've never been hard working or real ambitious. Ive had my own business for more than 15+ years but I've never made a ton of money. BUT, I never ever ever ever spend on myself. Ive always spent all my money on her or my kids. I'm trying to save money now, which is also a 180.
My goals:
I need to try my hardest to control my emotions.
I need to stop asking R questions.
I need to not concern myself with what she's doing or where she's going.
I need to give as much space as possible.
I need to stop prying for my emotional health.
I need to start making plans tonight leave it and when it's necessary.

I could probably stay here as long as I wanted to. Time is on my side.
I'm just not sure to what level of detachment I want to aspire.
It seems when I go dark she goes dark.
But I haven't given the detachment I've done enough time to really judge the results.
I'm going to concentrate on that most of all.
Again thanks for the lengthy thoughtful reply Gordie.
Hope you stay with me through this. You seem to be knowledgeable and
Straightforward.
Thank you
AK8

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Originally Posted By: Alaska8

Her main concern or desire that she expressed to me is that she wants her independence. And that the passion or love is gone from her and she's not sure it will ever come back.


Alaska...I will tell you that this seems to be a common thread with many of the man that have posted on here. Our wives have this fantasy that love/passion is out there waiting for them like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. My W said the same thing to me...we are best friends & roommates...I need more passion. That is a crock of $&!^. There is no excuse for cheating...either physical or emotional is wrong. They are totally confused individuals. Maybe they will come out of it...maybe they won't.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Quote:
Not with the intent to spark change in her but to do it for my future betterment whatever happens.


Excellent mindset, my friend.

Unfortunately, they often have the mindset that once passion/love is "gone" (in their minds) that it will never return. Sometimes it can, and sometimes it can't. I've seen all to often the self-fulfilling prophecy come true. All you have now is your path. And I do feel you are on the best one for you. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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SBJ,
I like the lighthouse story a lot. It's hard to reconcile that perspective and going dark. They don't seem to be partners. I really think she would eventually respond to the lighthouse way of being, technique. But right now I'm going to concentrate on detaching emotionally. Small steps. I think once I can eliminate the need to "know" everything about her and concentrate more on myself and my kids I can eventually then get to be the lighthouse.
My W is so much not herself right now. Acting almost. Like nothing matters to her. I can see this is just a symptom of the MLC. She's just completely changed her personality. She's like a teenager.
It's actually quite incredible when I sit and thinks about her behavior and how different she is. It's just crazy. I think if I do the DBng she'll eventually see her family and our home as the best safe place for her heart.
Thanks man
AK8

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Thanks Jeep

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So, she texted today and said she everything was all good and her conference was about to start. I didn't respond. After a while she calls.
I've been under the impression these past two days that she was there with her work friend. She said he wasn't there. I asked if this was a planned weekend with him? She said no.
I know, I know, I know...
My mouth starts going before I start thinking.
I'm pretty sure she's lying though.
I think she's scared to tell me the truth. I think she's afraid that if I knew the whole truth I would leave (I wouldn't)..
I'm gonna try and not ask any more questions.
If she did cheat there's nothing I can do, if she didn't cheat there's nothing to do.
I can't trust her so what's the use in asking questions.
It only hurts, even when she says what I want to hear it hurts.
(Not sure if I posted this but I was able to check her phone record for the time when she got off the plane, her first phone call was to him for 2 minutes, seems like it was an "I'm here" call)
I'm not gonna ask anymore questions.
I'm just gonna concentrate on kids. Respond to her texts with kindness and when she gets back I will dim somewhat and try and detach.
AK8

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I'm just gonna concentrate on kids.


Number one priority, my friend. Nothing else. They were my beacon of light in the darkest of times.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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