Hi Lex, I completely understand the uncomfortable feeling of doing things on your own. WH and I were the same way - EVERYTHING until recently was done together. Maybe that's part of the problem? I also have solo plans for the 1st time this weekend and I'm actually sick to my stomach over it. But it's a positive step and you will get through it.
As for calling her back - she didn't leave a message asking for something so I wouldn't. Part of going dark, right?
I wish I had the option of ML with WH. I think it's a great thing - good way to build feelings and stay connected. I'm not sure I would initiate it - but I wouldn't stop it from happening.
I stayed strong and didn't call back. It was surprisingly difficult. It's funny but I am feeling better than I have in the whole 10 months but at the same time I have some anxiety about going out on my own. funny eh? of all the things to be worried about that is the thing today. It's much more manageable than the state I have been in usually though.
that night in bed I was trying to fall asleep and she started giving me a weird kind of back rub. It was somewhat pinchy and I asked her nicely to stop. after laying quietly for a while and almost sleeping she says, "I don't care what S11 says you are acting weird." she started rubbing on me and it was nice and I let her for a long time. she eventually made it really clear that she wanted sex and I hope it wasn't a mistake but 10 months of no sex makes for some powerful urges.
I understand what youre all saying. My point is more that I wouldnt let it get to that point. If I saw the kind of messages that Lex's W is sending about wishing she lived closer to this guy so he could be her King, I wouldnt be letting her rub all over me. In my mind, knowing about these messages and still allowing this kind of behavior will diminish any credibility that he does have when he says he 'wont live in an open marriage'.
I certainly might be wrong, but thats my opinion, for what it's worth.
It's an extreme case of a celebrity crush. That doesn't meet my definition of an open marriage.
She hasn't left the bed. She is not in a PA or even a mutual EA. This isn't the stage where I would lay down hard lines.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It's an extreme case of a celebrity crush. That doesn't meet my definition of an open marriage.
She hasn't left the bed. She is not in a PA or even a mutual EA. This isn't the stage where I would lay down hard lines.
I think I always agree with Rose; she knows what she is talking about and I think it was Rose or Ginger who previously pointed out that the celebrity himself is unlikely the one replying to her messages...probably just someone who manages his social media accounts...thus, the friendly, non-sexual replies.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It's an extreme case of a celebrity crush. That doesn't meet my definition of an open marriage.
She hasn't left the bed. She is not in a PA or even a mutual EA. This isn't the stage where I would lay down hard lines.
I think I always agree with Rose; she knows what she is talking about and I think it was Rose or Ginger who previously pointed out that the celebrity himself is unlikely the one replying to her messages...probably just someone who manages his social media accounts...thus, the friendly, non-sexual replies.
It's him. we met in person for lunch before I knew W was flirting with him. I have his personal cell phone number and email address.
It's an extreme case of a celebrity crush. That doesn't meet my definition of an open marriage.
She hasn't left the bed. She is not in a PA or even a mutual EA. This isn't the stage where I would lay down hard lines.
I think I always agree with Rose; she knows what she is talking about and I think it was Rose or Ginger who previously pointed out that the celebrity himself is unlikely the one replying to her messages...probably just someone who manages his social media accounts...thus, the friendly, non-sexual replies.
It's him. we met in person for lunch before I knew W was flirting with him. I have his personal cell phone number and email address.
I don't doubt it's him. (Can't remember which poster thought it wasn't him.)
I just see no evidence that he is encouraging her at all. It seems he is trying to not offend a fan with a large internet following without following her hints.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I also think the celeb is a major bleeping putz. If he had any integrity, he'd gently but firmly and definitively turn away Lex's W's flirtations.
When a W is so intensely infatuated with a fantasy figure (like a celeb)... I think it's really important to think about why that's happening. What void is that filling in her emotional life? Why isn't she able to feel satisfied w/ your marriage?
But for me ... I feel a distinction between an infatuation, however intense, vs. an actual physical relationship. I recognize that there is a small step between such an intense infatuation and adultery (not necessarily w/ the celeb, but w/ some other opportunity for sex that might tantalize her), but, still, it feels like a significant distinction to me. To me, that distinction forms a personal boundary.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I continued to be mostly dark this week. Went out on my own on Saturday night. She was definitely interested in what was happening. when I returned she was still up and I caught her sniffing me a few times. Not in a friendly way but in an investigative way. after that she seemed to cool out and remained friendly but no more contact beyond that. going to go to an extra judo session on Thursday. she has only emailed celeb one more time and it was a normal friendly email. as usual, I'm not sure what to think of all this.
I have a question for you about going dark: what is the objective? Do you think your W is gong to wake up from her fantasy relationship?
With your encouragement and others, I have been trying to go dim this week and it definitely causes the W to pursue me.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have a question for you about going dark: what is the objective? Do you think your W is gong to wake up from her fantasy relationship?
With your encouragement and others, I have been trying to go dim this week and it definitely causes the W to pursue me.
the goal as I understand it is to flip the distance/pursuit dynamic and then let the W feel any feelings that come up as a result.
I guess the ideal would be that W would realize that she is pursuing me for the reason that she still cares for me. I would hope that it might help her to realize that love is a choice that she can still make and that it is worth making.
Will it actually work out that way? I have no idea but it's not like I have anything better to do at this point. 10 months of love and attention from me sure hasn't changed anything.
I have found it's pretty hard for me to go dark like this. It's the opposite of what I want. I'm just doing it anyway and letting the feelings come and dealing with it. Not sure what this means if anything. pain is supposed to teach us something I guess I just haven't learned that particular lesson yet. HA!
I have a question for you about going dark: what is the objective? Do you think your W is gong to wake up from her fantasy relationship?
the goal as I understand it is to flip the distance/pursuit dynamic and then let the W feel any feelings that come up as a result.
In my opinion, 'going dark' is not 'the solution'. It isnt going to be the thing that causes you W to 'wake up'. In my opinion, going dark is to give you space to figure out what YOU want. To live YOUR life without the need to pursue her.
So, while youre dark, what are you doing that would make her interested if she WERE to pursue you?
