I went semi-dark for a few weeks and wife became friendlier. She seemed to notice after about 24 hours. After a few weeks she started an R talk. I was careful to just listen and validate but the end of the conversation was that she will still not wear our ring and she, "just doesn't want to be married to me" I pointed out that we are married and living this way was not a good thing but I let it go. During this two weeks she sent her most suggestive emails to date to celeb friend. She pretty much flat out asked him if they could be closer and said that she wanted a full relationship with him. In the next one she said she wished she was in LA because she would be with her king. So I can't deny to myself what is going on there any longer. He did not answer either email but she sent him a third email with normal friend conversation and he answered that with a few friendly words. So, I hope that might put a crack in her fantasy.
After this, on the advice of my DB coach I went as dark as possible. still not 100% dark but as close as I could get given our present situation. She noticed so fast. I think she started changing her behavior within a few hours. Checking on me, kinda following me in the house. saying I was acting weird. S11 was nearby when she said that and he said, "Dads not acting weird.", bless him. that night in bed I was trying to fall asleep and she started giving me a weird kind of back rub. It was somewhat pinchy and I asked her nicely to stop. after laying quietly for a while and almost sleeping she says, "I don't care what S11 says you are acting weird." she started rubbing on me and it was nice and I let her for a long time. she eventually made it really clear that she wanted sex and I hope it wasn't a mistake but 10 months of no sex makes for some powerful urges. We had pretty good sex, the only decent time for the entire 10 months (the other few times were not good) she cried a little after and told me that it was nice. The next morning I continued the darkness and just went to work without saying goodby. she is calling my phone now and I did not answer. I have solo plans for one day this weekend as well. This is very weird for me, we rarely do anything solo. I hope the sex wasn't a mistake and I hope going out on my own is not a mistake. I know going out on my own is normal for going dark but it is so out of character for me that it feels weird and I wonder if she will think I am playing some kind of game. To be fair, I feel a little bit gamey, I would rather be home. I guess I need to let her feel this loss.
So, I'm feeling pretty good despite all that is going on. The best I have felt all year. Thanks again for any advice that is provided.
Should I call my W back or would that be a mistake? I really want to call her but have not yet.
Did she leave a message that is asking you questions?
It WILL feel like a game if you keep going back and forth. You cant "go dark" and still be engaging in back rubs and sex and things like that. You need to be more consistent so that it doesnt feel like youre just throwing darts at the wall and seeing what sticks.
Should I call my W back or would that be a mistake? I really want to call her but have not yet.
Did she leave a message that is asking you questions?
It WILL feel like a game if you keep going back and forth. You cant "go dark" and still be engaging in back rubs and sex and things like that. You need to be more consistent so that it doesnt feel like youre just throwing darts at the wall and seeing what sticks.
Consistency is King.
she did not leave a message. I will get my nerves up to refuse sex if it is offered again. I was really consistent for my 2 weeks of semi-dark. It's only been one day of full dark so I will do my very best to be consistent from here.
Sex releases bonding hormones. Why not take advantage of that?
Keep staying dark and doing things on your own. Have you read about pursuit and distance?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Sex releases bonding hormones. Why not take advantage of that?
Keep staying dark and doing things on your own. Have you read about pursuit and distance?
It felt right and good and the wife said it was "nice" My head is swimming on the right answer to that one but I do feel like rejecting her when she came on so strong might have been a bad idea.
Sex releases bonding hormones. Why not take advantage of that?
I agree with Rose and if you read the end of DR...MWD is supportive of ML even when estranged or separated...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Lex, I completely understand the uncomfortable feeling of doing things on your own. WH and I were the same way - EVERYTHING until recently was done together. Maybe that's part of the problem? I also have solo plans for the 1st time this weekend and I'm actually sick to my stomach over it. But it's a positive step and you will get through it.
As for calling her back - she didn't leave a message asking for something so I wouldn't. Part of going dark, right?
I wish I had the option of ML with WH. I think it's a great thing - good way to build feelings and stay connected. I'm not sure I would initiate it - but I wouldn't stop it from happening.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
As for calling her back - she didn't leave a message asking for something so I wouldn't. Part of going dark, right?
^What she said.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
that night in bed I was trying to fall asleep and she started giving me a weird kind of back rub. It was somewhat pinchy and I asked her nicely to stop. after laying quietly for a while and almost sleeping she says, "I don't care what S11 says you are acting weird." she started rubbing on me and it was nice and I let her for a long time. she eventually made it really clear that she wanted sex and I hope it wasn't a mistake but 10 months of no sex makes for some powerful urges.
I understand what youre all saying. My point is more that I wouldnt let it get to that point. If I saw the kind of messages that Lex's W is sending about wishing she lived closer to this guy so he could be her King, I wouldnt be letting her rub all over me. In my mind, knowing about these messages and still allowing this kind of behavior will diminish any credibility that he does have when he says he 'wont live in an open marriage'.
I certainly might be wrong, but thats my opinion, for what it's worth.
