Brief Summary: Been getting a little better with my communications with WW but made a mistake after feeling like I upset her. Everyone gave some light hearted 2x4's and now time to keep on keeping on. Hopefully if a situation like that comes up again I will handle it better. I really suck at this, but improving little by little I suppose.
Hi Laowai, you don't suck at this - from your post on your last thread. We've all been where you are and it takes time to get into your stride. The main thing is to keep taking on board the feedback and moving forward.
Glad you are looking into Meetups. I never actually went to a Meetup - but have done a lot of other stuff. Dancing is a good one - or a support group for separated people? Volunteering? Sporting Clubs....I found it hard at first, but once you get started I found that one activity can lead to another. You start going to dancing and someone there goes to choir, and you give that a try too. I can be out almost every night if I choose and I dial it back sometimes as I can get overtired
The benefit to your situation is that you start to experience a viable life beyond your current situation. Over time you start to enjoy some things you do and you become genuinely less available to your spouse too - and think about them a little less because you have plans...it really does help, which is why it is pushed here so much.
I think your W is doing a little temp checking lately and your challenge is to manage your reaction to that and stay a steady course. Post here before responding if you need to. I used to say to myself - I won't respond for an hour, or before I had some feedback, which slowed me down a little.
Anyway...you're doing just fine
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Its a long road with a lot of bumps and pot holes along the way,we are all learning along the way we have up days we have down days,we all have days when we make mistakes,we are human after all,but hopefully with god willing and All the good people here and the great help and advice they give,we will get there in the end,a place where we are happy like we once was,with or without our lost spouses,we just have to standup and deal with it,go with the flow,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Hi Laowai, you don't suck at this - from your post on your last thread. We've all been where you are and it takes time to get into your stride. The main thing is to keep taking on board the feedback and moving forward.
Glad you are looking into Meetups. I never actually went to a Meetup - but have done a lot of other stuff. Dancing is a good one - or a support group for separated people? Volunteering? Sporting Clubs....I found it hard at first, but once you get started I found that one activity can lead to another. You start going to dancing and someone there goes to choir, and you give that a try too. I can be out almost every night if I choose and I dial it back sometimes as I can get overtired
The benefit to your situation is that you start to experience a viable life beyond your current situation. Over time you start to enjoy some things you do and you become genuinely less available to your spouse too - and think about them a little less because you have plans...it really does help, which is why it is pushed here so much.
I think your W is doing a little temp checking lately and your challenge is to manage your reaction to that and stay a steady course. Post here before responding if you need to. I used to say to myself - I won't respond for an hour, or before I had some feedback, which slowed me down a little.
Anyway...you're doing just fine
Ok, W just texted and asked why I don't want to go this weekend because when this was discussed a few weeks ago I was pretty set on going so we could all go bowling. What should I say?
Maybe I should also add that I DO WANT to go. I would love to go bowling with the family, I would get to spend some time with my nieces who I abolutely adore (and they adore me), and I could go visit my WW's grandma who is in a nursing home by herself and would love to see me (or anyone). But a small part of me also wants to go just to be around my WW which I know is stupid...especially considering she is still in an A and basically discarded me.
For me, I wasn't willing (or really didn't feel able) to spend 'family' time with XH and SS - though XH did suggest it a month or two after BD. For me, he was actively in an A with OW and I couldn't have borne to do it - I guess it was an absolute boundary for me. Not me being ornery - I just couldn't offer that at that time. I did and do however keep in touch with SS and he and I meet up every couple of months or so.
Actually, the rest of XH's family dropped away and I was pretty devastated at that. To feel censure from them given all circumstances. I reached out to them once or twice, but got no response - that was difficult. I guess I'm trying to say that her 'side' of the family may or may not want to stay in touch - and if they do, you may want to keep in touch with them separately - or you may not - that's how it works.
How acceptable and manageable is it for you to go on an outing with her given all circumstances. I feel it would be perfectly acceptable to say - hey, if you're in a relationship with someone else, I really don't want to spend time with you. That's what I would do actually - but what you do is up to you of course and perhaps wait for other perspectives before you respond.
I hadn't realised until I read back that your W read your previous threads here and you have linked back to them. Are you concerned that this could happen again?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think the problem is having sex with her then saying "I don't feel comfortable spending time with you while you are in a relationship with someone else" really conveys the message that sex is ok while you are with someone else, but spending time together out of the bedroom isn't.
For the love of God, I mixed to posts together. This is what happens when I try to pretend to work and post. My sincere apologies.
If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't.
it is actually kind of simple. If going makes you feel good to be spending time with the family without expectations from the ex, then go. If you have expectations then I wouldn't.
