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I am in the same boat. I offer moral support but not sure I have helpful advice. My W knows I don't want D but that I won't stand in her way. Because I do all of our finances, putting the paperwork together was easy for me. I gave her everything for her to review and bring to her L the first week in January. W has dragged her feet but still tries to blame me for the fact we aren't D yet. We agree on most everything. She's frustrated that she has to talk to L and do paperwork. I have instructed my L to do nothing proactive and to only respond to requests so we are going at her speed. W sees M as an obstacle to her fantasy life, so for her D is a necessity.

Have you been dragging your feet? If so, why?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gord, just as you I told her that I did not want to D and that if she wanted it she would have to do the work. Now it is up to paperwork on my attorneys end and I am not rushing to get it done. I know it won't make a difference, but to appease her leaving doesn't sit well with me.

She has a fantasy that her life will be great without me as well...why do I care then, right? I guess because I took my vows seriously and feel that a husband and a wife should work things out...anything. It ticks me off that she is wanting everything rushed for her convenience. We are only 7 months post-BD and she is done. Pretty fast if you ask me.

Again, my God tells me that all things are possible for those who believe in him. That includes "all things". I can't mind read, but I would think that everyone that believes in God, should believe in that statement.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SBJ--you know you are preaching to the choir. I believe in my vows and that all things are possible with God. What do you mean appeasing?

It's been six months since BD for me and my guess I will be officially D in maybe March or April. I could slow the legal process down but I don't see that as getting me closer to reconciliation. For you? Only you know. My W really needs to go on her journey without me. Maybe she comes back. Maybe she doesn't.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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SBJ, Gordie -

I'm there too. BD was Jan, 2016 for me. She filed in October, when he handed me the D notice, everything in her soul said to me "I don't know what else to do". Preliminary settlement stuff is getting under way, but I don't know how long that will take.

My W also seems to be in a pretty big rush too. Last year, when I was still snooping on her - she told everybody how she couldn't wait to get me out of the house.

I read on another thread (from CaliGuy) that said to watch out here - that some MLCers may say stuff like this and seem eager to D, but when the time comes they hem & haw and fight over everything. I just read job saying that her H dragged out the D process for 2 years before she cornered him to finish it up. Indecision is part of MLC.

Of course, my W has not prepared anything for supporting herself & the kids without me. She's too busy with her social life and goofing off. It's indeed some type of fantasy. They're on a roller coaster.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Please hit me with the 2x4's quickly and put me out of my misery.

Day was going well, but unfortunately when the W texted and complained about money she is spending on her attorney I responded. I told her that we could focus on us instead of money. I guess I knew that wouldn't work as I have. Read countless times about it, but the hopeless romantic in me came out too fast.

Her response was kind of like gas lighting...saying that I just don't see it yet, but that "we" will both be much happier, that I deserve someone that will love me how I need to be loved, that she loves me just not the way a wife needs to love a husband for a successful M....again, they were all words they have all said before. Saying we will always be family, just with a different dynamic. She said that in time I will truly agree with her. That I just don't see it yet. And one day I will see what we were missing.

Basically saying that I need to move on and push the D thru. I should've never sent it I know, but I did. Now to finish my few D papers. Stinks because this could be totally done by her bday in April. What a gift. Here, you failed at your M...Happy Birthday!!! Sorry that this is laced with anger, sarcasm and bitterness. I need to detach completely.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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I am sorry that she responded the way she did, but that's MLC stinking thinking. In her own way, she's not only complaining about the fees, but she was also pushing you to do whatever you need to do on the paper work. Take your time and be sure to read everything over and if you have questions, ask your lawyer. Don't allow her to push you to do something you aren't ready to do.

Breathe! Step back and take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
I told her that we could focus on us instead of money.

Her response was kind of like gas lighting...saying that I just don't see it yet, but that "we" will both be much happier


Incredible how much this is script. My XH said EXACTLY the same to me, and almost word for word on the rest. He actually said, "You just haven't given it a chance, but if you try to wrap your head around it, you'll see that you don't like me. This is our best chance at happiness." I got various versions of this each time I lost my cool and lapsed into an R talk (or R "beg").

Funny thing is, I AM happier; but not really because we're D. That was just the kick in the rear that I needed to work on what made me unhappy (I really didn't realize how unhappy I was). If I had done then what I am doing now...I'd love to say our marriage would be perfect. But really, he's in an MLC. For everything he says or does, if you just wait a few weeks, it changes 180 degrees. I really believe in moving forward and letting them go through this. Alone.

SBJ, it stinks. We are forced to give them the "gift" of D. It really does change the dynamic of our families, too. But it also frees us up to work on who we are and strengthens us. I miss my H every day. Cry a bit with anger and sadness when alone. But great things are happening in my life every day, too, because I've finally made room for them. Will our loved ones find the need to do similar work? Only if and when they can similarly take the focus (usually anger) off of us and really focus on them...not just the band-aid focus of "youthful", selfish behavior, but real introspection. I think without us there, they may have a chance to do that. But it will take time.

All we can do is live our lives separately at that point, treat them kindly (even through gritted teeth at times) and wish them well on their journey. Maybe they will find that we weren't the problem.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Gordie: I didn't know this was part of the script too, but sadly I have heard these exact words too:

"we will both be much happier"
"we will always be family"

These words are daggers to the heart. I have no advice today, but just want to offer support.

SBJ: Sorry that this is laced with anger, sarcasm and bitterness. I need to detach completely.

Gordie: No need to apologize. Vent, vent, vent here...get it out of your system. Hugs.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Sorry

I know how much those words hurt
I got practically the same lines a few years back

This is where they are today
It may change
main thing is to take care of yourself
you will heal more and know more in time


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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Thank you job, cil, and Gord...it was a rough night. I couldn't even stomach the bourbon that I had poured just before I read her email.

Another tidbit that stuck out to me in her response is that she referred to the fact that, "one day you will have that and see what we were missing", like she already knows. I know I'm mind reading, but it sure seems that she is kind of talking like she has already found what was missing with some OM. I know I am speculating, but I guess that is the bitterness talking.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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