She moved out, filed, but I'm still working Pt. 5

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

I have had the same revelation for whatever reason. I was not a very tidy individual during our M but once I had my own place I started a transformation, old things out, new in .. my taste my style and over the past few years its just extended. I joke with my brothers about how I used to think she was super anal and tidy but now I am .... totally baffles me.

I too think I held out, no news is good news/ this is HER D type of approach. Nothing wrong with that let her do the heavy lifting. She will not likely all the sudden change her mind, it does take time for them to realize the fantasy is not as wonderful as they have been dreaming it will be

[SBJ]

VENTING...Why is it that we can pray for them and their well being, yet still get so frustrated. I have faith that God will take care of what we are going thru, but I question what it is that I am suppose to learn during this trial.

I know that I don't have any control over her, but I guess I am simply hoping that God opens her eyes before we actually have to go thru with the divorce. It is something that I am totally morally against, but again...It takes two to make a M work.

[CaliGuy]

VENTING...Why is it that we can pray for them and their well being, yet still get so frustrated. I have faith that God will take care of what we are going thru, but I question what it is that I am suppose to learn during this trial.

I know that I don't have any control over her, but I guess I am simply hoping that God opens her eyes before we actually have to go thru with the divorce. It is something that I am totally morally against, but again...It takes two to make a M work.

SBJ

Here is the problem ... the root of your frustration. God will work on these things on His timeline, not yours. His Will, not yours. His plan ... again, not yours.

Its very hard to keep this in mind in the eye of the storm. I will simply tell you what I learned from all 'this'. I would have NEVER made the changes had He stepped in and fixed it all on my timeline according to my plan. The lessons I still pray that I have learned by now, maybe I have, maybe there is more to learn ..... maybe its her who needs to learn a few choice lessons as well. Honestly I try to remain open every day for a sign, guidance and wisdom to learn what it is He is trying to teach me. There are alot of things at play here, you need to have faith in His plan and let go of your own plan for all this.

[SBJ]

Cali, while i have faith that things happen within his timing...as a normal human being I want it yesterday. I feel like she and I are speeding towards a cliff and we cannot stop. It is a totally helpless feeling.

While I know that I can live and succeed as a single man...that is not what I signed up for. I signed up for life. Again, I know that it takes two to tango, but it simply drives me nuts to know that we have a great marriage and a wonderful family together.

[Vapo]

You had a good marriage...

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Absolutely its a helpless feeling. None of asked nor would sign up for this ... but ya know what .. its here, right in our lap and we have a choice. Let this mess define us, or get up and start working on what we can control .. ourselves.

I read this from a LBS who actually survived his wife's MLC ... maybe something for you in here:

I see now that so much of the reason that I suffered so long was because I refused to let go of my ego...my belief in myself as the Most Qualified/Most Capable to solve my problems and that I had all the answers. I had people on sites like this telling me what I needed to do and how I should go about healing myself...and I listened but I didn't HEAR. I went through the motions, said the words, did the actions, but to me...I was still in control...and I could by sheer force of will make the situation better. So I stayed far to long in the middle of the battlefield because I was sure I knew the way out...only to run around in circles taking shrapnel and damage all along the way. I did this until the wounds got too deep and I finally really bottomed out, and was ready to do something really stupid...my last grasp at control! My daughter saved me...and then I could finally hear God in my world...Time for a change.

Understanding that what we have in us...comes out of us when pressure is applied was the first step. Our character is never tested when life is smooth...only in the tough times do we see what we are really made of. So once I stepped back at looked at what was coming out...it was not what I wanted to see. But giving it a name...making it real was the first step. Seeing what I was, why I was opened my eyes. As I identified and named off my Low Self Esteem, My Fixer Need, My Fears and My Foibles I could start looking at how I was dealing with those shortcomings. It became so clear why I had always surrounded myself with broken people that needed me to fix or save them...it explained my need to win...my need to succeed...my constant attempts at control. My life looked like a pre-school picture book...and it was so easy to see now.

This knowledge opened the door...It gave me a new found peace that goes with understanding yourself, and becoming comfortable with yourself. I no longer had to accept that "I have always been like that" because I could change my thinking about this or that and channel it for good. The light was on and I could see...and I felt free at last. All I had to do was Abandon the Me I Always Knew. Typing it, it seems so easy...but living the path, learning the lessons and healing the scars was a process.

[skm0619]

CaliGuy..... I like the post from the previous LBS. Sometimes you need to read what others have gone through to see that maybe what you are doing ISN'T working, even though you thought it was.

SBJ...I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. We will never understand why they are making the choices that they are making. I'm not sure about you, but when I keep hearing everyone say "just keep working on you" or "you are not in control" it is hard!!! Right now I don't see how doing what is suggested is going to make a difference, but there is a reason everyone keeps telling us that

ONE DAY AT A TIME......

[skm0619]

Hey SBJ, haven't heard from you in a while. Hope things are okay?

[SBJ]

Hey skm...I just livin' the dream!!! I have had alot going on not having to do with the W. She is still on the D path, so I have been trying to keep focused on other things.

I'm working with another guy from my church on a men's support group. It seems that there are groups for women, groups for faith sharing, but nothing for guys going thru rough patches. My friend is a psychologist and we have another counselor friend that we might include. Part of me feels that this is something that I was meant to start. Sometimes roadblocks are put in our paths so we can either find the best way to overcome the situation or simply to grow in your own personal journey and faith.

I am trying to stay focused on myself and my children. Had a relaxing weekend with the kids. I hope this week continues on a positive path.

[Gordie]

VENTING...Why is it that we can pray for them and their well being, yet still get so frustrated. I have faith that God will take care of what we are going thru, but I question what it is that I am suppose to learn during this trial.

I know that I don't have any control over her, but I guess I am simply hoping that God opens her eyes before we actually have to go thru with the divorce. It is something that I am totally morally against, but again...It takes two to make a M work.

SBJ--I totally related to your frustrated prayers; the below has become my favorite Psalm in this crisis...read it as often as needed...

Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.