She moved out, filed, but I'm still working Pt. 5

[SBJ]

Just got another text from the W saying that it is time to make the final decision and have it put on paper. She is tired of living in this limbo, because it is stressful and dragging things out is not good for either of us.

I love my W, but I do not like who she has become. I really didn't know that she was as manipulative and pushy as she is. This is definitely all about her and her needs for sure.

It is funny...she says she is sorry that I feel the way I do. Wait a minute...she is sorry that I love her, she is sorry that I think that with God we can work thru anything, she is sorry that I feel keeping our family whole is a good thing...she is sorry all right!

Sorry, but I am totally venting.

[Mach1]

You can't miss, what you have never lost....


Just something to think about.....

[SBJ]

Thanks Mach1...I am still trying to get that to sink into my thick skull. I have to resign myself that I will have to only focus on me and my three wonderful kids. I need to not even think or worry about what she is doing or who she is doing anything with. This is her journey to walk, but it is also time to find/reinvent myself.

I will continue to pray that God touches her and opens her eyes to the truth of his word and promises, but that is all I can do for her from this point on.

Thank you for your helpful perspective. I know that with God all things are possible and with the help of good friends like you guys, the journey is a bit more bearable.

[skyhigh]

SBJ, your wife has the behavior of someone in full EA or PA, she seems way to much in a hurry to date again, she just wants to be able to live openly was she has underground right now. That's my opinion, I can be wrong, but most of the time, those in hurry to divorce have already someone else. I hope my analysis is not too cruel for you.

May be slowing down the process of the divorce, will put some extra pressure on her, right now she is in "control", see how she might react when her well orchestrated plan won't unfold the way she thought it will be.

Her rush might also be related to her faith, she knows she is right now a sinner, so trying to get a divorce fast will ease her mind, once she is divorced she won't be one anymore.

Another thought, since your children are living with her and she is trying to convince everybody she has nobody right now, being delayed in her plan, might forced her to show her true face at one point, MLCers are not patient at all, they live in the moment. I don't think she is ready to face others in regard of her "behavior", she seems very self conscious of her reputation, she knows deeply that's wrong and it will bring some sigmate upon her.

Don't forget MLCers love themselves very much, so they are very sensitive to how they are perceived by others. That's why also they are sometimes nice to us, just to keep us under their influence so we won't say a word against them. They know somehow how to play with our feelings to reach their goals.

As soon I refused being influence by my husband, and I started to show my teeth (with dignity and no spew), he understood things where not going to be so easy, it forced him out of his la la land. I stood my ground and my boundaries, life became far less easy so de facto nice for him. Fantasy land didn't have the same taste anymore.

Hope you didn't mind too much my input as a woman, also I had a very good friend who became a WW and left her H, she played all of us so well, best liar in town, she had OM underground for a few months.

I am piecing with my husband right now, but the day I realized I had to stand up for myself that the day things started to change. God showed me the doors, but it was up to me to turn the knob knots, he is our guide but the actions should come from us.

She is still in full replay, it can last up to 2 years in average, so you really need to earn some time, helping her is going against you, her fantasy land should meet reality not being facilitated. Imagine if she is getting a divorce fast and she remarry fast, where will be you left? It is to your advantage to slow down the process. Unless you are unlucky, MLC doesn't last forever. It's a marathon, but there is a finish line at some point.

Sorry for those 2'X4', but you seem such a great man and father, being too consilient will make only her "dreams" becoming reality faster.

[SBJ]

skyhigh...Thanks for the comments.
YES, I also think that she is in either EA/PA/Fantasy, but nothing has been seen since mid-July around the point of BD. You are not being cruel, since it is basically a symptom of MLC.

I haven't rushed for anything with regard to the D process, but I haven't dragged my feet either. I am just doing things as they need to be done.

She is definitely trying to keep her reputation in a positive light. She is a cradle Catholic, but obviously not a true believer of what is taught. She feels that since our parents divorced that it is OK for us to do it. It also depends on your strength of faith as to what you believe about D...some think that D means that you aren't married any more, but others believe that you will always be married in God's eyes.

We are actually splitting custody 50/50...one week on and one week off. This has been terrible for me as I would love for my kids to be with me 100% of the time, but I deal. I think that on her week off, she is kind of dark, so nobody knows what she is really doing. I am trying to detach even more so that it doesn't bother me.

As far as her influence, I agree with you. I think that I have still been letting her control my moods and emotions, but I am getting better. She is great at trying to bend you to believe her thoughts and feelings are the best way to go. I am tired of the semi-manipulative behavior. She knows how I feel and that I do not think that D is the best way to go. She knows that I believe that God can and will guide us thru a successful reconciliation if she and I would only ask for his help. She is not willing to go there.

I do not mind your thoughts as I can honestly say, that no man will ever understand a woman truly, but even more so a woman going thru a MLC. And your thoughts on how they are the best liars in the world probably hold true. She would never treat her family the way she is treating them now, and I am not only talking about me. The two family members that are enabling her she has kept a close relationship with. The two that have disagreed with...one has been excommunicated by her and her father has simply stopped discussing it with her so that she will not disown him. He is non-confrontational by nature anyway.

I strive to be better every day...a better husband, father, son, and brother. I thank you for your input and I too belive that "What does not kill you makes you stronger". I believe that God is working on her in her quiet time and will eventually see his light.

[CaliGuy]

skyhigh...Thanks for the comments.
YES, I also think that she is in either EA/PA/Fantasy, but nothing has been seen since mid-July around the point of BD. You are not being cruel, since it is basically a symptom of MLC.

I haven't rushed for anything with regard to the D process, but I haven't dragged my feet either. I am just doing things as they need to be done.

She is definitely trying to keep her reputation in a positive light. She is a cradle Catholic, but obviously not a true believer of what is taught. She feels that since our parents divorced that it is OK for us to do it. It also depends on your strength of faith as to what you believe about D...some think that D means that you aren't married any more, but others believe that you will always be married in God's eyes.

Just wanted to jump in on this one .....

My MLCr too is a cradle Catholic, shortly after BD I found myself at my own personal rock bottom and with some not so gentle nudging from God I went through RCIA and became Catholic. This armed me with knowledge of the faith along with a full backpack of righteousness I could hurl at my MLCr at will. I recall attending mass and receiving the Eucharist and watching my MLCr do the same knowing she was in a full on affair ... was a gut punch and I could not believe she would do such a thing while committing a mortal sin .... I also did not understand at the time how God was allowing such disrespect.

Over time as my faith grew, along with my understanding and relationship with God, I checked myself ... not my place to judge ... not even close with all I have done. Be careful about tossing the Good Book at her in such ways, God works with us in His own way on His own timeline, its a mere blip for Him, where for us it seems like eternity. I caution you because this line of thought that I highlighted is the path to resentment, instead just simply pray for her and give her and your M to God and do not allow this crisis to ruin more lives than it already has.

[MoveFrwd]

the W texted and complained about money she is spending on her attorney I responded. I told her that we could focus on us instead of money.

So what do you think would have been a better response?

[SBJ]

No Cali, I understand. What I was referring to is her explanation of her belief in the sacrament of marriage. I also try my best not to judge others due to my past transgressions, but I also know that once you repent of those past deeds, you are truly forgiven.

I have also been to Mass with her recently and not taken the Eucharist myself because of my feelings at the moment. I actually need to work on myself alot more. I cannot control what she believes...that is between her and God.

Without throwing the good book at her...most cradle Catholics don't read it. They allow others to interpret its meaning to them. I have been trying to do both...read what I can and ask a Deacon friend of mine to explain when I am stumped. I also have a wonderful group of men that are a true Godly support to me. I am working with a psychologist to create a men's support group at my church. With those groups of strong men, it has been easy to understand that we are all going thru trials of different kinds.

My stand has been so much shorter than yours and I truly don't understand what you have been thru, but it feels like she is on the fast track to D. It kills me, but I again understand that this is her doing and not mine. God's timing is perfect and I am not going to question it.

[CaliGuy]

Well ... I do not think its just Catholics, many Christians in general pick and choose what they want and apply what they will. The more I learn the more I realize I have done/do the same and its something I continue to look at and try to get better with.

MLCrs will do as they will do, unfortunately this just takes time for them to complete the journey and there is no guarantee at the end of it ... but then again there never was, we all just assumed the happily/ happily enough ever after.

As far as the fast track to D ... yeah ... mine did the same, then let it sit, then was hell bent again .. then let it sit ... back and forth she went till now, I do not think its much more than trying to see if this is finally the way to happiness, or possibly with all that has happened she simply feels there is no return, to much scorched earth to try to fix ... maybe both or none of the above ... really impossible to know what is going on with them especially in my case now where there is little to no contact. Her lawyer asked me how I felt .. calmly I told her that if she felt this was the path to her peace and happiness then I want that for her, I was sincere and meant it .... throughout all this keep in mind as painful it is to be the LBS ... being the MLCr is much much worse, one day I do believe most of the MLCrs will wake up at some point and that realization of "My God what have I done" will not be an easy thing to face for any of them.

[Brubeck]

I recall attending mass and receiving the Eucharist and watching my MLCr do the same knowing she was in a full on affair ... was a gut punch and I could not believe she would do such a thing while committing a mortal sin ....

I thought of this. I remember reading this, and it freaked me out:

I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was NOTHING ANYONE could have said to me that would have moved me. As an example, right smack dab in the middle of my MLC, while practicing adultery, I sat my self-righteous butt in church and my Pastor pointed his finger straight at me one day during an altar call and he said to me "how long are you going to sit there?" He had been talking about letting the enemy influence us and destroy our families from within. At the time this happened, not one soul knew I was having an affair. Not one soul. I got called out, IN CHURCH, by a man that I had so much respect for, KNEW God had sent into my life the year before, and yet when he stood there that day, I didn't move a muscle. That is very telling of the grip the enemy had on me and I didn't even realize it. It is interesting to me that I basically lost my mind within a year of darkening the doorway of a church for the first time ever in my whole life.