Mach1, Thanks for the questions and concern, firstly. To answer your question...I think I AM that guy who is "getting" this. That's not to say I don't have concerns and worries. I'm only human. But I am trying to, legitimately, focus on myself and my kids, and more importantly on my future (this concerns goals,which I will get into in a second) As far as doing things for myself I have immersed myself in my children. I give them as much attention as possible, I listen to them more, spend more time wth them, try to help them with understanding whats goin on here at home and just genuinely try to love them as much as possible. Their love and attention, in return, helps me on a daily basis deal and live without the worry and pain. I've also totally changed my diet and exercise habits. I work out 5 days a week and I've lost about 55 lbs now since the end of October early November. At first I couldn't eat because of what was happening, so that gave me a little jump start. But now I just like working out, for myself, AND I must say, for the way ppl notice me now. It's a good feeling. Makes me feel complete confident and more sure of myself. I've also recently opened a bank account. This sounds silly I know, but for 15 years now I've lived somewhat off the grid. I have tax issues which I'm currently working on. And that's part of my rebuilding process too, working on my taxes. I've also been working real hard, trying to focus on making money, being able to rely on myself for income and not have to burden HER with money issues also helps my confidence. All these things I've done and am doing are for me and my kids. However, I'd be lying if I said that my motivations don't include her. I'm not totally emoitionaly detached from her. I think if was I probably wouldn't be here on these boards. I still care what she thinks and how she feels. So if I said I'm not doing all these things, in some small way, for her and to somehow bring us back to loving again..I'd be a liar. But that's not my focus. I do know that the changes I've made are noticed and appreciated. Just yesterday she called me in the morning to ask if I'd like the meet her for breakfast. It was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She let me kiss her goodbye on the cheek and as I did I said," that was a great Valentine's Day breakfast", she replied "yes it was". And then later last night we had a family Valentine's Day dinner out. And she even got me a card and small gift!!!!!!!!!!! AND she's been consistently kissing me goodbye in the mornings and when she arrives home. She hadn't touched me, literally, for a whole month. So, ya, I'll take what I can get. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm aware it may not. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. As far as goals, you saw one of them, my taxes. I haven't filed in 6 years. But I'm working on that. And I WILL get them resolved. I'm not going to owe much. I just need to help myself and get this problem behind me. The plus is that not only will it help my future but she will also take great notice if I can get them cleared up. All the changes I make for myself, no matter how much they are for me, theyre inextricably connected to her. Because they're issues that affect both of us and all my faults are TRULY situations that need to be fixed, for me and for her. I would say to everyone that no matter how much you GAL and say it's just for you (Unless you're totally over your WAS and have no intentions of ever getting back with them) the changes you make for yourself will always be motivated, in some small way, by the desire to win back their love...you just can't count on it. And that's my view. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst... I do, most certainly, care who she's with and what she's doing. I just don't obsess about it anymore. Literally, Mach1, the moment I stopped prying and spying, my jealousy subsided rapidly. Now I do wonder and crazy thoughts still enter my head. But I can control it so much better now! And the less I obsess and the less I spy the more I'm beginning to believe a lot of it was all in my head. Maybe it's not, maybe she is cheating. Right now it helps my sanity, my health and my ability to GAL to believe she's not. Maybe it's my love for her blinding me. I don't know. But ill cross that bridge if I ever get to it. I'm just turning into one of those ppl who'd rather not know. No ones perfect and I realize what she's going through has symptoms. This essential to be able to "hope for the best", you gotta let go and stop spying. It will kill you inside if you don't stop and you'll never be able to GAL. So there you go Mach. I think I'm "getting" this, but I also think some of it is manipulation, if you really love your WAS And desire them back don't believe that any change one makes doesn't include the hope that they will take notice.
I'm in Eagle River by the way. This state is an amazing place.
M1, I haven't been to Jimmys yet. I like Kennys at Tikatnhu, great food there, great service. I'm from San Antonio where there are a ton of different places to eat, but you know what, since I've gotten here I really enjoy cooking at home. I never used to. But in my attempt to get in better shape it just makes sense. Plus eating out here can get expensive. Haven't been to Flat Top yet but I've been to a few other places; Seward, Kenai, etc.. Been on the Glacier tours, that was Awesome. Look forward to doing some Geese hunting and Moose hunting this year. Maybe some fishing if I'm lucky. You know...her concerns and desires for changes in me run very similar to the things I see in myself that need changing. That being said I do want these changes for me and me first. Mainly because I need to prepare for the worst. I am VERY COGNIZANT of the fact that she may one day, out of the blue, say to me, "I'm in love with some else and you need to leave". In fact I wouldn't put it past her. I guess my trust only goes so far right? I don't really see it that way. For me at least, right now, it's not really trust, because how can you trust a WAS, MLC'r or other. You can't? All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality. So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared. Financial, health, taxes, kids...there all worthwhile changes for me. HFB/PFW Thanks Mach1. AK8
All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality.
Maybe, but don't pin your hopes on it.
Quote:
So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared.
That's the best mindset you can have, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
M1, I haven't been to Jimmys yet. I like Kennys at Tikatnhu, great food there, great service. I'm from San Antonio where there are a ton of different places to eat, but you know what, since I've gotten here I really enjoy cooking at home. I never used to. But in my attempt to get in better shape it just makes sense. Plus eating out here can get expensive.
I get that....
What I found interesting is the mixing pot of cultural foods there.
And it is some of the best that I have had...
Who woulda thunk I could find truly authentic Puerto Rican there ?
Jimmy's is awesome, and worth a trip sometime.
For cooking though...
Mr Prime Beef will make a Texas boy proud with the size of their cuts of beef....
Originally Posted By: Alaska8
Haven't been to Flat Top yet but I've been to a few other places; Seward, Kenai, etc..
We took the drive to Seward when I was there...just incredible...
I thought I would see the most beautiful sight ever, then right around the corner ? Yep...it was even more beautiful than the last one...
Originally Posted By: Alaska8
Been on the Glacier tours, that was Awesome. Look forward to doing some Geese hunting and Moose hunting this year. Maybe some fishing if I'm lucky.
Yea, Combat Fishing season will be upon y'all soon...
You should check our Symphony Lake too...
Originally Posted By: Alaska8
You know...her concerns and desires for changes in me run very similar to the things I see in myself that need changing. That being said I do want these changes for me and me first. Mainly because I need to prepare for the worst. I am VERY COGNIZANT of the fact that she may one day, out of the blue, say to me, "I'm in love with some else and you need to leave". In fact I wouldn't put it past her. I guess my trust only goes so far right? I don't really see it that way. For me at least, right now, it's not really trust, because how can you trust a WAS, MLC'r or other. You can't? All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality.
That is a pretty great outlook, and I hope that you can keep that when things turn for the worst. Cause IF she is MLC, then it most definitely will at some point.
How do you think you will handle things IF she would come to you, and tell you that, or even that she is dating someone ??
Originally Posted By: Alaska8
So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared. Financial, health, taxes, kids...there all worthwhile changes for me.
What are some other things ?
Daily interaction things, that have come up in conversation ???
Things about you, or things that she has said that sent a little sting up your neck ???
Typically, the LBS isn't the reason for the MLC, however, we DO contribute to things along the way...
I too am reminded of a very dear friend when I read your posts. He had a lot of insight and was able to grasp these concepts very early on and that served him well.
I agree with Mach...goals are important and I too would like to see something a little more concrete...
I also understand making your children you focus, however, I will caution you to not make them your only focus.
It is very important that you figure out YOU as a person, not YOU as a dad. Because in the long run, your children are going to find their own lives and you will be left wondering what to do with yourself...
I don't have a lot to add right now...except to wonder if you have considered how your being controlling and jealous has impacted your W.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Jeep, Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. As long as I'm here I've gotta have some hope. But as the days go by it gets easier to think about how Life would be without her. As I GAL my mind is beginning to Accept what life could be like without her. She's about to depart for a week and half long trip and I find myself being REALLY REALLY ok with that. Time and distance can do wonders for the soul. AK8
Mach1, You know... if she came to me and told me she had a boyfriend I'd be Devastated. Because I see a lot of good still in her. She still talks about future plans that include me. It really doesn't seem like there's anyone else to me. BUT I do realize I could be absolutely wrong and she could be lying about everything. I don't spy or snoop anymore so I have no idea what she could be doing. So yeah,the fear is still there that she may be seeing someone else and if she came to me with that news I'd be heartbroken. But for the LBS who wishes for reconciliation that's life right? If I said it wouldn't bother me then I'd be totally emotionally detached from her...and that's just not the case for me. I can't control what she does, all I can do is control what I do. So I live out my days for me, my kids and working towards bettering myself and hope that one day she sees the light. She hasn't said anything that's stung in a while. Only the typical MLC talk, but that was a while back. I do not talk with her about our relationship anymore. I don't ask questions, I don't bring it up, I listen to her talk and remain calm and cheerful. No drama whatsoever. Lately I've been seeing signs of depression in her. I think she gets it sometimes that she's hurting our family. My kids give her the cold shoulder ALOT because they feel neglected by her. They see her spending money we don't have, and they notice she spends a lot of time by herself in her room and they feel she only cares about herself right now. It's being noticed by my W that the kids don't appreciate it. I try to comfort my kids but they just keep getting hurt by her. She's torn by her need for time and space and keeping the kids content. She used to resent me somewhat because the kids have become closer to me but she realizes now it's her own fault. I've talked about my reasons for believing she's in MLC in earlier posts. Go back and check it out if you like, it's a lot. Thanks Mach for the questions and concern. Always enjoy replying to my fellow LBS bro's and sisters. AK8
Mach1, (and anyone interested), Thanks for asking. Not good. Struggling.. Had a breakdown the other day and went off on my W for the way she's been treating my kids, actually, for the way she's been neglecting my kids. I got all the way in the argument enough to tell her I was hoping she could see her way clear to letting me take the kids back home with me. She didn't argue much about it. She kind of agrees that it would be a soulution. She obviously still has the MLC mindset of "this is never gonna work between us" and I told her I need to know if taking the kids with me was an option. She says she just needs to hear my plan as I have a lot of obstacles ahead of me. But since I last spoke with you guys I've made a ton of progress! Taxes: turns out I'm only gonna owe like $2000 for the past years I haven't filed! I can get this taken care of quick! Credit: I hadn't had a bank account in about 17 years. I wasn't reporting any Either though. But I thought I was gonna have a couple of judgements On my credit but they're gone! Actually I don't even have a credit score! So my buddy, who is a Mortgage Broker/Tax Preparer is working on This for me. He told me he can have my credit up to 620 in a matter of A couple months! School: I wanna go back to school and I called my last institution to see how Much I owe to get them to give me transcripts. I thought it was gonna Be around 4K, turns out it's Ben so long they wrote off most of it. I Only owe $650. Bank: I recently opened a bank account. Started a secured Visa card to start Establishing credit. And I already have a little savings going. Back home, I have a job waiting for me and a place to stay while I get my ducks in a row. It surprised her that I had done all this and had been planning it out. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. She left out of town right after we had this convo, when she came back she told me, " I don't think I can let you take my babies..when will I get them back? When will I see them?" I said," I thought you said we were gonna leave it up to them?" After a moment she agreed that we would but that we needed to discuss what was gonna be said. She's worried they will hate her (selfish). We will have this convo with them soon, but I'm not ready to leave just yet. I need to save money, pay off these bills and let my credit improve. She knows this and even has plans for all of us to take a trip together.. I'm resilient in my goals and my outlook on this whole thing. I can't see her attitude towards us improving while I'm still here. She gets to do whatever she wants while I'm at home babysitting and doing all the household stuff and attending to the kids. And I'd be lying if I said I don't feel anxious when she travels and goes out. It's human nature. Actually if she wasn't hurting the kids so much with her actions and absence I think I might be able to overcome her lifestyle. But my kids are my life and I can't abide her actions anymore. My kids, especially my S15, has had enough. Anyhow, that's what's been going on here lately. I have not shed one tear. I keep my mind off her as much as possible and I'm just planning. Hopefully she'll live up to her word and let the kids decide (which I think she most definitely will since she can't be here for them whatsoever now) They will 100% decide to come me with me. About to head to the gym (down to 245 now) She comes back Friday. I'll let y'all know what happens. Thanks for reading.. AK8
