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Alaska8 Offline OP
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Thanks Jeep, I will. I know the road is long and I'm just beginning.

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Gordie,
1. This is new behavior. Before BD I would get up with her, or a little after her. Mostly I jus wanted to be up with her so we could tak a little before she went to work, we never really talk while she's at work because she's got a very busy/stressful job. I would also make sure to go outside and start and warm up the truck for her. I don't do this anymore. So I get the impression that the talking-to-herself thing is a unconscious attempt at getting my attention. It's very weird for her to behave like that. It kinda goes like this: " ok, I got that ready, oh yeah I almost forgot, ok (deep loud sigh), I think I'm ready, just need to do this and then make sure I got my gloves,etc etc etc". I used to play a lot of poker, and most of my game centered around "Tells". There's a great book by a guy named Mike Caro specifically about poker tells, but you can learn a lot from that book about everyday human behavior. This talking to herself is a tell, shes looking for my attention in the mornings. She only does this in the morning.
2. H**L yeah Gordie!! ENJOY THE CLOSENESS BUT DONT LET THE DISTANCE BOTHER YOU!!!! That's a great great line my friend. I will not forget that. I have read the pursue/distance threads. They make sense. We've playing that damn game so effin long it's so stupid. But it makes so much sense in the MLC thing. I just gotta remember my plan and keep to it. I haven't spied or tried finding anything out about her since telling you guys I wouldn't. My state of mind has improved dramatically.
As a matter of fact I don't see how anyone can successfully DB without stopping all the spying. It's just so unhealthy.
3. So ya man, I haven't gotten the books yet. I'm afraid she'll find em. She's like that, if one of my kids lets it slip..I'm done. I'm gonna have to figure out something so I can start reading and planning. I do need to get them and begin this process in earnest. As I get further in my emotional detachment it's become easier to contemplate actually sitting down and reading and taking it all in. I will make it a point to go this week and see if I can find Michelle's books.
Thanks Gordie, again, for taking the time to read through my mess and respond with attention like you have. Replying to you makes me think hard and it's therapeutic.
More to come..
AK8

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Go to a library and read there in private.


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I'm think Barnes/Noble Cadet. It's real close, but I had the same idea. But I think I might just buy it.
She pulled a fast one on is Friday night. I'm gonna post it.
Thanks
AK8

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So...
We were thinking she was gonna get off work Friday, go to a little presentation by some vendors for her work, get out quick and we would meet her at the rink right?
Wrong..
6pm rolls around I've heard nothing. Kids are asking, "aren't we to the hockey game or what?" I say, mom hasn't called or text yet. I call her, only because the kids were asking. No response. Then after about 10 minutes...she texts, "sorry, I'm here at the dinner already, I left work late"
I didnt respond. She did not mention Hickey game so I figured it was not gonna happen. So I I jumped into action. You guys get dressed we're going out to eat, I said.
So we go out to eat, have a great time, talk a lot. We go to do some shopping at Walmart. Come home watch a movie, still now word from W. She comes home at about 12:30am drunk as s**t. Sits down next to me between me and my son. Tries to get my S15 attention, he didnt even want to look at her. She was embarrassed...she leans back next to me...falls asleep.
I was so disgusted with her for doing that to the kids.
I really wasn't thinking about me, i didn't even care..
But, I was nice to her. Asked if she was ok. Told her to go to bed.
I wasn't about to show my disappointment, I just had a good presence, like it didn't bother me. Not sure if this was the right thing to do but it felt good. Like I was showing my indifference.
Next day, everything's cool. She made breakfast. I worked a little. During breakfast I tell me D I'm going to the gym later at about 4, I tell me W she can come if she wants,nonchalantly, no pressure whatsoever.
She says, "I would love to go the gym, I need to".
So we make a plan to go the gym and movie afterward. It was a nice time. She talked a lot. Looked me in the eye. I validated when I needed to. I did my best to exude confidence and I smiled a lot.
I can tell she noticed.
The kids were good with her.
I actually feel sorry for her sometimes..my kids don't want to be around her sometimes,I can tell, but they tolerate it.
This morning she's sitting on the couch telling me in May she wants us all to fly down to Texas for her sisters babyshower, that she's got enough miles to cover us all. I say sure, definitely. But I als tell her...
"You know you've been traveling a lot doing your thing so I have to tell you in April , and I'm not sure if you're gonna wanna come, but I'm going back home to go to SA for NIOSA.." (NIOSA is a week long party in San Antonio that we've never missed together in 17 years)
She said very nicely "ok that's fine".
BUT I KNOW INSIDE SHES LIKE WTF!!!
After she just told me she wants us to go on a trip back home all together I tell her I want to go home to party for a week!!
That's GAL BROTHERS !!!!!!
I'll keep y'all posted!
I have to say though that without these conversations and posts I would be lost.
So thanks very much to you guys for being there.
Also, i have a close friend that went through an MLC a few years back, that story to come.
AK8

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I'm so sorry, Alaska.

Good for you taking them out. It eases their disappointment. The sad thing is, she is creating a divide with them that will take a long time to repair. You are doing the right thing, and they will remember that. You are there for your kids and they know that. Keep it up, my friend.

Good on ya, my friend.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Alaska8
I'm think Barnes/Noble Cadet. It's real close, but I had the same idea. But I think I might just buy it.

Just don't let her find them.

Its like the coach handing the opposing team the playbook


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Alaska8 Offline OP
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Jeep, thanks man for the words of encouragement.
Cadet, I will not let her find it, I promise. First rule of MLC club...don't talk about MLC club.
Lately:
I've been doing my best trying not let this stuff get to me and it's working.
I think though to get to the point where you can truly focus on kids or work or other areas of your life (GAL), you have to go make mistakes and ask questions and get it out of your system. I think newcomers make the mistake of thinking all is lost when they let their anger or sadness rule their actions. It's not the end, it's the beginning. To truly get to that place where you can stop the spying and obsessiveness you have to let it all out, let go.
I did. I stopped all of it. I still wonder, I still care, I still love her, but I don't obsess anymore. When I think about asking questions I always think to myself," what answer could she give me that I could beleieve right now". The answer is NONE!
So my mind moves on and my soul rests. It's that simple. But you have to let go of the jealousy and obsession with knowing. That's the only way. It takes a little practice. But once mastered it opens all the doors to GAL and detachment and living .
This weekend she goes away again. Will I care what she's doing? Of course. But I won't check her phone, I won't try to locate her, I won't call or text...I'll occupy my mind and time with other things.
Am I in acceptance? I think so. The other day when she was out the only thing I was worried about was that she gets home safe. If you can truly believe their actions are SYMPTOMS, you can accomplish a lot.
Anyway that's how I'm going about things now.
I had a buddy that went through the exact same thing. His W traveled, felt trapped, had an EA, he obsessed for 9 months, got angry all the time, had no clue what to do. One day he couldn't take it anymore and said he was gonna move out. She did a 180 and now they're better than ever.
Sometimes it takes extreme measures I guess. For every action there's a reaction, change brings change. Not every WW, WAW or MLC is the same I know. But that state of mind in them has a lot of similarities I think we can all learn from and adapt to our own sitchs.
I wasn't sure if my W was gonna stay the night althis weekend at the hotel she's giving a presentation at. But my S just me she talked to him on the way to drop him off at school this morning. He said she asked if he was mad her and said that she was just doing a lot of work stuff lately and soon she would be able to spend time with them. She told him she was gonna be gone this weekend again but would see them Sat and Sun and spend some time with them. I asked him what he thought when she told him this and he said, "I wanted to sigh.." he's just so disgusted with her it's hard to take.
Now.. I want to text her and ask questions and get angry and tell her what she's doing to her kids, but what good would it do? Either she'd lie about what she's doing to make it seem unimportant or she'd get angry. A no win sitch.
I'm gonna stay the course and just try and maintain space from her.
Times on my side. I can't play into her hands.
Wish me luck.
AK8

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AK8,

Wow, you seem like a DB prodigy, picking up the concept quite quickly. Of course we all make mistakes, which is fine as long as we learn from them. Nice story about your friend who got his W back too. Nice progress report. What are your goals at this stage? What do you hope to accomplish in the next few weeks?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Why do you think she is having a MLC?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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