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My story:
My W and I have been together 17years, 2 kids D10, S15. (Not married traditionally, which you will see is an area of contention for her, but we've always called ourselves H and W). She's 36, I'm 48. As you can see we got together very young. Through the years we've had our ups and downs, always financially strapped. She's Edna water and makes really good money. I've always made money (own my own business) but never the kind she has. She takes care of the bills, I've always kind of been responsible for the entertainment money, movies, going out to eat, vacation, big purchases, shopping, etc
Anyhoo, in the last 2 years she lost her job and we went on a 4 month long period living on credit. She eventually found a job, out of state and things seemed to be looking up.
We moved north and settled into our new home.
But the strain of the previous lost job and financial instability we encountered was too much for her. We moved to a place that, at first didn't seem to be compatible to my work and for a while I just stayed home and took care of the kids.
And this is when things started to come to the surface.
She told me she was not happy. I wasn't contributing, she was not happy about never having gotten married, and that it seemed like it was too late.
This coincided with me getting angry at her for partying too much on trips she was taking for work.
One trip I hung up on her after she told me she was once again going out with work ppl. I've always been a jealous guy.
She never called me back that night and my anger brought everything to a head.
She began to tell me what she needed from me, freedom, she needed me to get to work and contribute, but most of all she needed space.
I immeadiately got to work, started making good money. She told me I was doing great and that everything was ok.
Then after another work trip (I discovered she was not where she said she was and that she had been having conversations/telephone with a colleague who she sees on these trips) it all came boiling to the top. She told me he was nothing, just a friend that gossiped with her and that she didn't see him in the way I'm thinking.
Right before Xmas we had a talk and she requested space. No touching, no ML, no foot massages. I could sleep in the same bed but no touching. She LMBNILWM. All the typical MLC things a person would say. No passion and she didn't think it was gonna come back. That she had seen the changes I had been making but they were doing nothing for her.
We did get eachother Xmas presents but it was a sad day.
Since then she has taken her new independence to great levels. She works all day and then goes to the gym and works out like crazy, she shops ALOT, she listens to her headphones constantly while she's here at home, a lot of times she will just escape to her bedroom and close the door and just do her thing.
At first she spent time with kids(and me actually). She would take the D shopping, to do their hair or nails. But now she takes the weekend days for herself. She leaves to shop or get a massage or goes to her job to get work done.
I've made some begginer mistakes: getting friends involved, talking about the R, saying things I don't mean, prying and being nosey and confronting her.
She's currently on a trip and what's the first thing I do? I check her phone calls. Sure enough she's talked to this guy. She said she had to call him for work. Her reaction was "I just got here and already your doing the same stuff".
I can't help myself, it's almost like I'm addicted to the hurt of finding out her lies.
What makes my situation really difficult is that we're 4000 miles away from home and I can't leave or detach the way ppl here say you should. First even if I could I wouldn't want to leave my kids. I love them so much. I'm like the mother and father in their lives. I do everything for them. They're my life. Secondly I'm not financially capable of leaving.
I have to stay here.
My D and I currently sleep together, she's my rock. She knows things are bad and just wants to hug me all the time. I know that may sound weird to some but we are very very close. My Son and I are just as close. It's like my kids and I are the family and W is just someone who lives here that comes and goes.
I've tried to DB somewhat. I've always been a heavy guy, while she's incredibly beautiful and in shape. I've lost about 44 pounds, I'm currently at 258. I've worked hard and made major contributions to our finances. My S recently broke his collarbone and I've been taking care off him 24/7 ( while she disappears, only rarely calling to check on him).
But I take huge steps backwards when I confront her or ask questions or talk about the R.
So I can't leave, we have no physical contact, she rarely texts or calls me (I make sure to never text or call first), she gets to do whatever while I'm stuck here.
If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery.. if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.
I'm of the impression that if I show her kindness and that this home can be a place of happiness then maybe, when she's ready, she will see that this is where she belongs.
Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?
I'll end here as I know this has been a long post. I've been lurking here for a little while and I've read so many great posts from so many good hearted ppl. I hope you will accept me into your community.
I can see mountains out my window and one in particular speaks to me. I want to be that mountain, I want to survive this test for my family and for my W, whom I love with all my heart. No maatter what I may have to suffer at her hands I will always love and want her. I'm ready to hear your advice, criticism, kind or bad words or whatever you have to offer me.
Thanks for reading.
Alaska8

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Alaska8

I'm a newbie as well, but I just wanted to reach out to say I'm so sorry for your pain. I cried when I read your post. I understand your pain too well. It's a nightmare from which you can't wake up.

I don't feel I can offer any advice because I feel completely lost as well.

I don't know if you believe in God, but I do, and have found that when the pain gets too unbearable, I speak to Him and say I can't take it anymore, and I trust whatever happens in meant to happen, and I trust everything will be ok in the end. I believe it will be. It won't, can't be like this forever. We're walking in the middle of the storm now - eventually it will have to blow over. I think, I hope, I pray.

One day at a time. Let's just get through today together.


Divorced and letting go.
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Alaska,

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I'm also new, but the best advice I've used so far is to do whatever you can to calm the storm within. The first thing I totally agree with 2016sux - get in touch with your spiritual side and pray, talk to God. You will find comfort for sure.


The second thing is to stop checking up on your wife. It will destroy your spirit. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. Stop focusing on what your W is doing and be present for your children (sounds like you are and such a wonderful father to them) and work on things that improve you or bring you joy (I know that's hard to see right now).

I know you feel trapped, stuck, panicked and helpless. But if you try to pause, slow the spinning in your head and pray you will start to feel steadier if not calmer. Then you can figure out the next step and best approach for your situation. If you're cheery and you observe that is what elicits the same in your wife, continue to do that. But I think you have to be calm with a clear head first to figure out and observe the results of your approach. It's day to day, hour to hour work. As 2016sux says, one day at a time.

Hugs, Alaska.

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Originally Posted By: Alaska8
If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery.. if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.

Im kind of confused by this. What do you mean "the things dont work on her." Going dark isnt by itself going to change her mind. The point of going dark is to get you to stop pursuing her so that you can do other things. Not to mention, this isnt a quick fix. You dont stop calling for a day or a week and see her immediately come running back.

Heres a question - how did YOU feel while you were 'dark'?


Originally Posted By: Alaska8
Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?

Why do you have to leave to show detachment? What are you defining to be detachment?

Welcome, and keep posting!

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Quote:
The second thing is to stop checking up on your wife. It will destroy your spirit. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. Stop focusing on what your W is doing and be present for your children (sounds like you are and such a wonderful father to them) and work on things that improve you or bring you joy (I know that's hard to see right now).


Alaska, this is some great advice. Unfortunately, your wife is on her own path and it doesn't include you. Focusing on her and what she is doing is one sure way to drive her even further away. I've been there. It also brings you nothing but pain. Your children are going to need you to be the absolute rock for them. I know you've read many things on here that say the same thing - its said for a reason. Granted, its much much easier said than done, but the simple fact is now this time is all about you and getting yourself to a place where life is without her. Whether she comes back or not, you need to get there. A much stronger, self-supportive you is much more attractive than one who is not. Not saying that will bring her back, only she knows what will. But you need to adopt the mindset as if she doesn't exist. Take changing yourself, for example - if you do it in hopes of regaining her affection, then that is the wrong reason and will lead to nothing but resentment. This time is about you and your children. Use it wisely.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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***My W and I have been together 17years, 2 kids D10, S15. (Not married traditionally, which you will see is an area of contention for her, but we've always called ourselves H and W).***

Why didn't you ever get married?

***She's 36, I'm 48. As you can see we got together very young.***

Perfect time to re-evaluate her life and have a MLC.

***Through the years we've had our ups and downs, always financially strapped. She's Edna water and makes really good money. I've always made money (own my own business) but never the kind she has. She takes care of the bills, I've always kind of been responsible for the entertainment money, movies, going out to eat, vacation, big purchases, shopping, etc
Anyhoo, in the last 2 years she lost her job and we went on a 4 month long period living on credit. She eventually found a job, out of state and things seemed to be looking up.
We moved north and settled into our new home.
But the strain of the previous lost job and financial instability we encountered was too much for her. We moved to a place that, at first didn't seem to be compatible to my work and for a while I just stayed home and took care of the kids.
And this is when things started to come to the surface.
She told me she was not happy. I wasn't contributing, she was not happy about never having gotten married, and that it seemed like it was too late.***

Too late for what?

***This coincided with me getting angry at her for partying too much on trips she was taking for work.
One trip I hung up on her after she told me she was once again going out with work ppl. I've always been a jealous guy.
She never called me back that night and my anger brought everything to a head.
She began to tell me what she needed from me, freedom, she needed me to get to work and contribute, but most of all she needed space.
I immeadiately got to work, started making good money. She told me I was doing great and that everything was ok.
Then after another work trip (I discovered she was not where she said she was and that she had been having conversations/telephone with a colleague who she sees on these trips) it all came boiling to the top. She told me he was nothing, just a friend that gossiped with her and that she didn't see him in the way I'm thinking.***

So you suspect an EA or a PA?

***Right before Xmas we had a talk and she requested space. No touching, no ML, no foot massages. I could sleep in the same bed but no touching. She LMBNILWM. All the typical MLC things a person would say. No passion and she didn't think it was gonna come back. That she had seen the changes I had been making but they were doing nothing for her.
We did get eachother Xmas presents but it was a sad day.***

Welcome to the sad Christmas club.

***Since then she has taken her new independence to great levels. She works all day and then goes to the gym and works out like crazy, she shops ALOT,***

Sounds like MLC?

***she listens to her headphones constantly while she's here at home, a lot of times she will just escape to her bedroom and close the door and just do her thing.***

Rude, but common.

***At first she spent time with kids(and me actually). She would take the D shopping, to do their hair or nails. But now she takes the weekend days for herself. She leaves to shop or get a massage or goes to her job to get work done.***

Again, common.

***I've made some begginer mistakes: getting friends involved, talking about the R, saying things I don't mean, prying and being nosey and confronting her.
She's currently on a trip and what's the first thing I do? I check her phone calls. Sure enough she's talked to this guy. She said she had to call him for work. Her reaction was "I just got here and already your doing the same stuff".
I can't help myself, it's almost like I'm addicted to the hurt of finding out her lies.***

Good that you recognize these mistakes; better if you can stop doing them!

***What makes my situation really difficult is that we're 4000 miles away from home and I can't leave or detach the way ppl here say you should.***

Why not?

***First even if I could I wouldn't want to leave my kids. I love them so much. I'm like the mother and father in their lives. I do everything for them. They're my life. Secondly I'm not financially capable of leaving.
I have to stay here.My D and I currently sleep together, she's my rock. She knows things are bad and just wants to hug me all the time. I know that may sound weird to some but we are very very close. My Son and I are just as close.***

Who suggested leaving your kids?

***It's like my kids and I are the family and W is just someone who lives here that comes and goes.
I've tried to DB somewhat.***

What have you tried? What has worked? What hasn't worked? Have you read the books? Are you following the steps? What are your goals?

***I've always been a heavy guy, while she's incredibly beautiful and in shape. I've lost about 44 pounds, I'm currently at 258.***

Congratulations and keep getting healthy...for you!

***I've worked hard and made major contributions to our finances. My S recently broke his collarbone and I've been taking care off him 24/7 ( while she disappears, only rarely calling to check on him).***

Good for you!

***But I take huge steps backwards when I confront her or ask questions or talk about the R.***

You identified three things that aren't working. Stop doing those things.

***So I can't leave, we have no physical contact, she rarely texts or calls me (I make sure to never text or call first), she gets to do whatever while I'm stuck here.***

Stop the pity party. You aren't stuck there...you get to be with a real parent to your kids.

***If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery..***

So being cheery helps? Keep doing that.

***if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.***

What things? What doesn't work with her?

***I'm of the impression that if I show her kindness and that this home can be a place of happiness then maybe, when she's ready, she will see that this is where she belongs.***

Maybe

***Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?***

Why do you think you have to leave to show detachment?

***I'll end here as I know this has been a long post. I've been lurking here for a little while and I've read so many great posts from so many good hearted ppl. I hope you will accept me into your community.
I can see mountains out my window and one in particular speaks to me. I want to be that mountain, I want to survive this test for my family and for my W, whom I love with all my heart. No maatter what I may have to suffer at her hands I will always love and want her. I'm ready to hear your advice, criticism, kind or bad words or whatever you have to offer me.
Thanks for reading.
Alaska8***

Welcome to the club and keep posting.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hello Alaska8,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. You are also noticing what helps. Do more of what helps and less of what doesn't. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Alaska8 and Dad.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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2016sux,
It's so hard isn't it? This pain is like nothing ive everr felt before.
But you're right. It's one day at a time. It's fighting all the urges to make the common mistakes. It's focusing on what's good. Hour by hour, day by day.
Just stay focused.
Thanks for your kind words.
AK8

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100383,
I think that's good advice.. to stop prying and let her be. It's so hard though.
I have to literally talk myself out of it. But I will do my
Best from here on out. She's away on a trip now and won't be back till
Next Wednesday. I'm angry and depressed right now cause I know she's probably with
OM, but she won't call or text so that gives me some time to calm down and
Restablish myself.
Gonna concentrate on my kids, go to the gym, work and try to take the kids out to the movies or something.
I feel right now, although I know her cheating is just a symptom of her MLC, like how could she do this? It's just not her? It's all just so unbelievable to me.
I'm so glad I found you guys. Whatever happens, y'all are gonna make this a lot easier.
Thanks for the hugs!
AK8

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