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D and MLC


Thanks, KML for your thoughts. I agree with them 100%. I will say, though, that I feel I need to be clear on a few things.

Quote:
- don't discuss your ex with her anymore. My kids HATED feeling like they were in the middle. Don't send messages through the kids, even about simple things like holiday schedules. Don't say anything critical of ex in front of them.


I am not critical of H at all. I really do understand the enormous stress that he is under both from family matters and work. I am NC until he contacts me except if it is important (as the recent legal matter) or a follow up on a previous discussion (the airbed). When we do talk or see each other, its all very friendly. There is no animosity between us (not visibly or from my side). I don't send messages to him through the kids and I simply let D26 handle Christmas as she was hosting, had to schedule with inlaws, and my mom was in town. That was her deal.

Quote:
Stick to the high road, become their rock, and set an example of vibrantly moving forward in your own life. They need to know it's going to be okay and they are looking to you to set that example. Let them know you have their back.


I have been trying to do this, as well. That's why D26's anger, while I understand some of it, the rest puzzles me. I don't usually speak of XH to her, but then she brings him up. If I add to that or let her know it was something he'd already discussed with me, she gets mad. I also know that she tells him about me, since when I've spoken to him, he asks me about things I've told her but not him. I'm starting to think that if she brings him up, I should just stop her. She seems to want me to react to what she says so that she has a reason to get mad at me. I have already started DBing HER. I went NC for the week. She then called me last night and seemed put out that I didn't call, even though I was cheerful and interested in her life. Yeah, I think I'll just keep being very busy. I am anyway. She does know I'm there for her. I always have been.

Last edited by job; 01/07/17 07:37 AM. Reason: Corrected link to previous thread

M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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ciluzen Offline OP
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Thanks for fixing my link, Job!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Ciluzen - I don't have older kids but I can certainly imagine that d26's world has been upturned by all this. I am sure what you are seeing is her methods of trying to come to terms with it all.

That said, I actually do think you should use DB methods with her. I suppose you have to think about the big picture relationship, then perhaps set some small goals, try 180's and see what works. Maybe if you're together and she brings up her father, you can do a 180 and lightly change the subject and say you are there to hear about her and her life. Or if she turns angry do the opposite of what you were trying and see what that does.

Seems she feels safe with you but I imagine you have to set some boundaries/give some not-so-subtle cues on how you want to be treated, too. You can't absorb it all for her as you well know.

Take care.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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ciluzen Offline OP
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Thanks, HaWho. That's a great idea. I'll use that line, "I want to hear about you and your life." Its good one. I really would rather hear about what she's up to. I just wish she'd stop throwing XH in there. Its not that I want her to have to feel she needs to avoid talking about him, I just don't want that to be an anxiety issue that then becomes an anger issue for her.

I'm also a little jealous since I often ask if we can spend time together and she always insists I come to her (hour drive to her house or coffee near her work) but she'll drive up to spend time with H at the vacation home and is going on a ski trip with him in February. Kind of the grown up version of Disney dad.

Jealousy and control are my two big bugaboos. I'm getting better at the controlling my control issues (LOL), but that jealousy thing...well its my biggest control issue, isn't it? Yep! I need to get back to DB 101 with my kiddo as well as my XH. I can only control me and my reactions. So, I might try a new 180. I'm thinking that I will continue to not call her (its going to be tough!) and ONLY allow her to talk about herself. I think if she asks about me, I'll be vague and turn it back to her. I will do this with my daughter for 5 reasons. 1) She seldom asks about me anyway 2) I believe she runs to XH with any info I give her about me 3) the anger/irritation issue 4) I feel like I'm on pins and needles around her because of her wiggly boundaries (I can't mention XH, she can, but I can't respond to what she says because I can't mention XH) and end up cycling and headachey after talking to her 5) I have always been the one who came to her, that sacrificed my own needs to make everyone else (her included) happy. So I guess this is the ultimate 180.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Quote:
So, I might try a new 180. I'm thinking that I will continue to not call her (its going to be tough!) and ONLY allow her to talk about herself.


Might I suggest that you stay in contact in ways that do not necessarily include a conversation? Texting or emailing a funny video or joke is something that can make them feel you are thinking about them, but doesn't require getting into a big conversation. I know my 26 year old appreciates when I do that.

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ciluzen Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
So, I might try a new 180. I'm thinking that I will continue to not call her (its going to be tough!) and ONLY allow her to talk about herself.


Might I suggest that you stay in contact in ways that do not necessarily include a conversation? Texting or emailing a funny video or joke is something that can make them feel you are thinking about them, but doesn't require getting into a big conversation. I know my 26 year old appreciates when I do that.


THAT I can do! I have been doing a study day today (why I've been online so much...distracting myself) and we've been sending things back and forth (she's a graphic designer and has catchup work today, so she's been online). You're right; much safer!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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I keep wanting to post on others' threads, but I find that what I want to say has already been said by others or I end up writing super long posts that I then end up deleting. Sigh. I think its just a sign that I need to spend time selfishly on me. So, here goes.

DBing my older daughter has been working. She actually contacted me to find out when she should come to my artist reception on Friday and spent a little time there with me before it got too busy. I was able to get my "hug fix". It was a lot of fun and, though I was the featured artist, there were a few crafters there as well. I hit it off with a woman who was selling beautiful jewelry and she asked if I'd like to share a booth at an upcoming juried arts and crafts show (she felt I would have no problem getting in). Quite a few friends stopped by, so that was very nice and I sold a few prints of my work. Most people grabbed my business cards which, although it seldom leads to more than a trash can, is validating in that they enjoyed the work enough to want to remember the artist.I speak from my own experience as a grabber of cards, not out of negativity!

One woman whom I've met through an art meetup lives in the neighborhood. She stopped by near closing and we went out to a nearby wine tasting room to visit. Her new neighbor stopped by and we all traveled to a nearby place to get food. He actually was from a well-known family from where I grew up so we had fun talking about how much that area had changed. He ended up picking up the check for our evening, which was very nice of him, and we will probably all three hang out again. I was reminded that I am not really a wine lover, though.

I spent the next day skiing with a group of women who are part of another meetup and really enjoyed myself...made a few new friends. D26 called to see how the reception went and brought up XH a few times in the convo, but I just ignored as they were in passing. It really felt like she threw him in there for my reaction, so I gave none and we just moved on.

Skied again yesterday with a close friend. Both days were just sunny and beautiful (and cold!); very nice. I sure owe a lot to that meetup site for helping me through this S and D; just as I do this site!

On the H front, I haven't heard from him since he called about the airbed a few days before New Year's. No word on the form I sent him, but I did receive my spousal support check. Not sure why he hand addresses it and mails it when he can just schedule it to be transferred straight from the account at no cost. His deal, not mine.

I watched "Mean Girls" last night as I was too tired to focus on school. It made me think of H and his MLC issues. He always spoke of himself in highschool as being a tall, skinny, pimply-faced nerd (his words) that no girl would ever be interested in.He did have a girlfriend in highschool who was very religious and quiet. She rejected him after he drove 1500 miles to her university to visit her and he was very hurt by that. He had been a baseball player, but quit as his eyesight got worse (not sure what other reasons came into play...there seemed to be more to it, though). He was always an athlete and was a good highjumper. I realized while watching the movie, that all of the men in his social group right now are former baseball players and all of the women were former cheerleaders or popular party girls during their glory days. Their kids are all athletes as well. Ours were lways involved with sports, but he did nothing but complain about their playing...and my D26 was captain of her soccer team! He is the only health care professional in the group. He admitted that he feels used (they all enjoy the vacation home), but I think he enjoys feeling like he's finally part of that group he maybe covetted in high school. Except maybe he doesn't. I get that impression sometimes.

On a sad note for both of us, I had mentioned before that he was in search of that place like Cheers where everybody knew his name? We both had that at the back lodge on our ski hill, at least with the guy that worked there. I stopped in to say hi this weekend, but only his wife was there. She explained that he had been let go. I will miss him, but I know XH will be even sadder.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Just journaling. I'm going to end up laughing my a$$ off someday at this MLC/D adventure, honest I will.

My week of GAL, studying and work for those following:

Monday, massage after two days of skiing (a very good thing) and studying.

Tuesday, back to work with my new, young "hottie" Samoan teacher who is working on his special education certification by being my new teaching partner. Glad the other temporary partner I had after my concussion is gone. She was awful and I stood up for myself and our program for the first time by saying I would quit if she was given the position...she was that bad. Admin scrambled to appease me (yes, I'm feeling a bit powerful), found and hired the new guy and our program is already back on track. Phew! And this cougar gets to spend 6.5 hours a day with eye candy (he's happily married).
My art student came that afternoon and delighted me with his 12 year old view of the world (he is on the spectrum) yet again.

Weds, I listened to my therapist once again ask me why I'm still not angry (I always explain I have been, but it does not rule my life) or sad (again, I explain I sometimes am, but not for long) and how I should consider dating now (! Not ready yet!! I couldn't do that to someone else when I'm not ready...how selfish!).

Then I met a friend and had a great time at a new ceviche place that was amazing...I had to go tell the chef how much I liked it. He seemed pretty happy about the praise...I never would have taken the time to do that 2 years ago...too shy!

Thursday basketball practice (coaching special olympic team).

Friday our second set of bball games...we won one! The kids are happy just playing, but their skills are improving!

Then today...LOL. As I said, haven't seen or heard from XH since before New Years. Didn't see him last weekend while I was skiing. Today two ladies I met last Saturday at my ski meetup asked me to join them so I met them there. We did a few runs and on the second lift ride as we were almost at the top, XH was skiing under the lift and looked up. He was staring, so I gave a little wave and he waved back. My friends and I came off and took our time (we were on two separate chairs) and then started skiing down. I noticed XH was waiting down a ways so I skiied over and said hi, but explained I needed to catch up to my friends. The ladies and I skied down to the next lift, stopping often as they were both very good skiers and I had told them to feel free to "teach me their magic ways".

As we were in the lift line just outside of the small lodge (a yurt), XH started walking over with a beer in hand, telling me it was fantastic and I must try it. He chatted for a bit and was his old charming self (I was checking the time for one of the ladies and dropped my phone in the snow...twice...he picked it up for me...embarassing.). He had recommended the beer and the food to them and as we were moving through the line he went back to an outside table, alone, and I pressed them to not eat there, but at the main lodge. So we did. One of the ladies kept saying how nice he was and that he seemed keen on me, so I explained who he was. They were both shocked. So I told them my story as we ate in the lodge bar (with a great band playing). Funny, I saw XH walk in and pretended not to see him...he did not stop by that time.

Its all very wierd. I'm starting to just write about it to keep track and see how the behavior evolves!

Last edited by job; 01/21/17 09:21 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Not sure what to do right now. Advice from DBers is very welcome.

As I've mentioned, my youngest D (24) is struggling. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression on top of ADD. Her senior year of highschool, her best (male) friend shot himself. She was the last person to speak with him and had asked her to keep talking to him that night, so she has massive guilt that she couldn't prevent his actions. She is extremely intelligent and caring, but is working at an extremely understaffed facility for youth in crisis. She works horrible hours, often back-to-back shifts, and gets very little sleep. She has two quarters of college left to get her degree, but has gone back three times and had to drop out due to her psych issues. I've let her know that I understand and have faith that she will finish when she's ready if she wants to go that path, a huge 180 for this control freak. She has made some bad choices, but as she lives on her own, I have no control. Nor, I have realized, should I try to. So I just let her know I love her and am here to help when she needs it.

Last night at around 1 am she reached out to me. She said she needed me and needed to let me know how bad things had gotten. She has made plans to come over on Tuesday. She warned me of her appearance, acts of self harm and let me know that she has been lower than she's ever been. She has work until then and is with her boyfriend (who will be coming over as well), so I know that she will most likely keep her word. I plan to speak with her often til then. She asked me to.

My question is, how much do I tell XH? Although we are NC unless he initiates or it is necessary, and he has said he still wants to parent with me, he has not seemed to do that (parent with me). He went to her place after Christmas to bring her a gift card and the card from his parents, but when she apparently told him a bit about her struggles he told her he couldn't think about that right now, started telling her about his mother (her alzheimers) and started crying. She told me this a week after it happened. He only mentioned that he gave her the cards.

I want to call and tell him that she reached out and that she has planned to come over on Tuesday, that she is very low, but I wonder if I should ask him how much he wants to hear? It is a day off for him today and I know he is hardly holding it together, but I feel I should make him aware of how bad it is today rather than after I find out the details while he is working. And if she didn't reach out to him, should I even tell him? I feel that I should; he is her father and it would upset me...has upset me...when he has kept things from me to "spare my feelings".

This is a big, tough thing. I'm struggling with this mightily.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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If I were faced w/this, I would wait and notify my xh after I had seen and spoken to my daughter. You would then have more info to go on and could describe her situation much better. I would also ask if she had any objection to you contacting her father and discussing the matter w/him. If she objects, then respect her wishes for now.

The reason that I am saying to wait is because she may change her mind and not show up.

I'll be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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