I feel like I know so many of you through your posts. I've been reading posts in this forum for two and half years but never posted. I think it's about time I did, so I can have someone else (besides my own inner voice) help me through this roller coaster.
Long story short...I have been separated for three years. I bought the DR book 6 months after being separated. I read it half heartedly, skipping sections that I thought only pertained to me. I was already doing all the wrong things, begging pleading, giving him too much attention. Over the course of the three years we have gone through cycles of spending a lot of time together to no contact at all for weeks at a time. He is very straight forward with me telling me "I would rather be with you than anyone else but our arguing is not something I want in our life anymore" He still calls or texts everyday. It's usually about the kids or finances. If I don't respond within that day he says I'm seeking revenge and acting unfriendly. He dates frequently, even when he's showing me a lot of attention. I convince myself that he's not, although he is truthful when I ask and says he does talk with other women. Right now he is dating someone that he calls his "friend" BUT during on of my most frequent episodes of asking him about dating a certain woman (I was crying and not applying the DR strategies) he said he was tired of this and he had a woman he liked a lot and wanted to introduce her to our kids and she is someone he sees having in his life for a while.
A couple of weeks later he did introduce one of my kids to her. It destroyed me. But I kept my cool didn't bring it up to him and kept my distance. He finally texted me and said "I want you to see your behavior change and think of it objectively " he called and wanted me to explain. I told him that introducing our D to his girlfriend has put things into prospective for me. That I feel like he cares about me a lot but also wants to be happy and that he deserves that in his life. He said "I don't know why you're calling her my girlfriend, that's just you trying to cause trouble"
I can't keep falling in this trap. I know he loves me and I know he would rather be home than anywhere else. I know he needs me to just "act normal" as he says and be nice and friendly. However, I'm not so sure that we are the right fit together anymore. I love him more than anything. But it's been three years and I'm tired.
I have now read the entirety of the DR book and have begun reading a few more self help books. I am beginning to GAL
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Wow. Three years. Can you provide more info? Ages? How long together? How many kids? What caused the separation? Other factors?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm 47 H 50. Married for 20 years. Three Ds 19,18,15. The separation was caused by us just not getting along. A lot of arguing, different parenting styles, a lot of unfair fighting. Years of verbal disrespect, (never physical). The things I did wrong was not appreciating the provider he was, not respecting the father he was, and not listening to what he really wanted from me.
We separated once before for about 6 months and got back together. However, we didn't fix our issues and along with the same issues came my insecurities of him dating while we were separated. We were back together for 2 years before separating again.
He has his issues too, but after reading DR and posts here I know there is nothing I can do about that. I just have to focus on me.
We have contact almost everyday, usually about family or finances. He is dating someone right now. He still shows interest in me also.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
We have contact almost everyday, usually about family or finances. He is dating someone right now. He still shows interest in me also
So, correct me if I'm wrong, but you two are still married, no? And he's dating someone else and introducing your children to them? Wow.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hazy, I'm sorry you've been going through this for so long. That's got to be extremely tough to sustain. As you know, this is a great place full of great folks. Update your signature with some details so folks can better understand your situation.
That said, what are you doing for your GAL right now? Are you exercising? Are you going out with friends? What is the longest you've gone without talking to your H? Do you really need to talk to him every day?
On the arguing you mentioned previously. Was that initiated by you or him? What issues do you believe you have hat contributed to both S? Are you seeing an IC bc they can definitely help with all of this. Sorry for all the questions, but the more detail you have the more folks can help. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
It sounds like you have identified some of your issues with your H: not listening, not appreciating, being disrespectful. It's hard to admit those things, so good for you.
It sounds like H having a GF and introducing her to your children crosses your boundaries, correct? If so, what are the consequences?
Have you read DB or DR or the homework above? How have you applied it to your situation?
So sorry you find yourself in this situation but you are stronger than you think and can get through this.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
That should be the first non-acceptable boundary and introducing kids to them is over the top.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep- yes, we are still LEGALLY married but not tied to each other anymore as husband and wife in the marital sense. It's pure financial. I'm able to keep his insurances, etc. It does suck for me that he has introduced a GF to one of my Ds BUT it has been three years. I'm not making excuses for him, just a fact. I wish this wasn't the case.
Gordie - Thanks Gordie for recognizing my efforts. I've been in my own fog for too long. I read somewhere, that everyone's timeline is different for clearing their head and pulling up their bootstraps in order to move forward. I think this is what has finally happened with me. I can't believe it's been three years. Him introducing her has crossed a boundary for me. Somehow it has made it real that he's not choosing me. And I don't want my Ds to think that I'm weak (I'm not even sure if that's the right word I want to use) I haven't spoken a lot with him. He doesn't like this. He says nothing has changed and I shouldn't show him any less attention. Obviously I don't agree. I did go and have dinner with him Saturday night. He called and asked and I accepted. The only reason I did was because I said no to two previous requests and going by the LRT it states to accept some invitations but not all. We did have a nice dinner but I made sure to leave early.
It - thank you for acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time. It actually brought me to tears because I put on such a strong front to everyone. Friends know my situation and have been there for me but it's hard for me to to tell people I'm still struggling. I have been GAL just recently. I actually invited a lot of friends over for dinner and wine and we had lots of laughs. I've been going out more with my D to bookstores, thrift stores, etc. just to get out of the house. And I have made sure to see a few sunrises and sunsets which I love taking photos of. My contribution to our separation was honestly not being secure with myself. I was very untrusting for absolutely no reason. I argued a lot and challenged him a lot about anything. He is the type of man that likes to be in charge of his household. And I challenged him with almost every decision because I felt like he was trying to be controlling. I have finally realized through lots and lots of reading and soul searching that the reason I was/am like this is because I felt unlovable. So what was wrong with him that he loved me so much. He had to be faking or very conniving and making a fool out of me. I made these stories up in my mind because of rejection I felt growing up. I have not seemed counseling yet, however, that is my next step.
Last edited by Cristy; 01/19/1711:19 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
It sounds like your husband has been cake eating for the last 3 years. Of course he gets mad and tries to put it on you when he doesn't get his way regarding communication and time with you. He wants it both ways!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm just journaling but responses are definitely welcomed.
I'm having a hard emotional day today. Can't get the thought of WH with GF out of my head. I keep wondering how happy she makes him. I brought it upon myself because I asked him to take care of an insurance thing for me. Something I could've done myself. He called me later aggravated with the whole thing. I of course took it as he was aggravated with me. We've been very cordial the last few weeks. This morning he was sending me photos of the sunrise. I know it's been three years and I should be over it. But it seems like we were just trying to get back together and all of a sudden he was gone again. I'm just down in the dumps.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
I'm sorry that you are feeling down and in the dumps today. I think a lot of people have bad days, many years down the road. It is normal and to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about it.
After I read your sitch, I think that your WH is the ultimate example of trying to keep a "plan B". I don't say that to make you feel like a 2nd choice, but this seems like a classic case.
He seems to be enjoying keeping you close. He can feel you pining for him, even when you do or say nothing. Every time he looks over his shoulder, there you are.
I would be willing to bet a million dollars that you you filed for D and had him served, he would crap his pants and come running home. I am not suggesting you do that if that is not what you want, because you would have to be willing to follow through. It is just a feeling that I get after reading your thread, it seems that he is just stringing you along because he knows you will come along.
Hang in there and keep your head up.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
I have no idea what happen today. WAH texted early this morning to call him. I saw the message but didn't call him right away. He called me TWO MINUTES after me seeing the message. I answered in a peppy voice good morning I could tell he was a little surprised by the way I answered. We hadn't texted or called each other all weekend. he responded in a peppy tone why didn't you call me back I told him I was getting some morning duties out of the way so I wouldn't be interrupted when I called him. He became so angry. He said you couldn't just call me back! How do you know it wasn't important? Then he said never mind and went on with the conversation. I was talking upbeat and he mistook it for me being a smart ass. (I guess I wasn't sounding normal. Which I need to work on.) He said he was going to let me go he just wanted to find out some deatails concerning kids. He was so irritated with me at this point for absolutely no reason. I I told him I had just woken up a few minutes before he called. He said I wasn't telling the truth. We hung up after discussing details.
I called him back (pursuing behavior, I know) trying to smooth things over by asking about his mom. He answered very nasty and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing what do you want I want to go so I said bye and we hung up. An hour later he called and warned me about the weather and about d going over to his place for the next few days. He offered to take other d back to school so I wouldn't drive in bad weather. I told him I would take her and it was fine. He called me silly.
I dropped d off to him when we got back from trip. He was short and still irritated with me. I was the last person he wanted to be around. I didn't stay but two minutes but those two minutes were so stressful.
About ten minutes later he sent me a text asking for me to send him some pictures of work done at the house. His text said I know it's none of my business anymore but could you send me two pictures of the yard, I'm just curious I did, he asked a few questions and that was the last contact for the night.
Im trying to detach. But it's so hard.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
I have no idea, but just speculating on your situation. Yes, you may be Plan B, but I think there may be other possibilities.
Assuming that he is acting in his best interest, he sees his best interest as being separated from you and not divorced from you. Why might that be?
*Does he has a religious/moral/social obligation/belief system that prevents him from getting divorced? He can think of himself as a good man for remaining in this state (generously keeping you on his insurance, etc.)?
*Does he still love you/have feelings for you/feel married to you...but is so angry about issues/hopeless that they can't change that he can't stand co-habitating with you?
*Did you have sexual incompatibility? Does he feel emotionally connected to you (wants to talk to you every day) but not sexually?
*Is he waiting for something, like the last kid leaving the nest? Or finding an OW that he wants to marry (something more serious)?
*Is he in the middle of a multi-year MLC fog where he is trying out different things (freedom, independence, moving out of the house, dating other people), but is not so certain about wanting a D?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You have a bonafide cake-eater on your hands. A wife and family when he wants them and all the women he can date when he wants them. The cure for a cake-eater is to take the cake away. You have the power to do that or you can put up with this abuse because that's what it is.
I just read your story and threads. Thank you for sharing it for the rest of us. It is truly inspiring.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, I want to say it's scenario two. I could also be in my own fog though. The reason I want to say it's scenario two is because he always has my best interest at heart (besides him dating of course). He takes care of everything financial that might come up unexpectedly. He is not rich and has his own money issues with living separate from me but he makes sure I don't go in debt and that I'm taken care of. He also takes care of things around the home if I mention that something is broken. I do not ask him for anything, but if I ever bring up something in conversation before I know it it's taken care of. I also know that his love language is acts of service. When he found out I was having minor surgery he took off of work to come and be with me. It was very minor surgery but he wanted to be there. Which of course made my heart melt.
He has told me so many times during our separation that I'm the best woman he's every known and no one will ever be better but that he just can't do the arguing anymore.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Yes TxHubby, I starting to think that too, but he is so good in reeling me in. I'm trying hard to detach and GAL. The scariest thing for me is taking the cake away and him being ok with if. It's time for me to move on though and take my chances.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I try not to, But unfortunately we still do at times. It's usually about the kids. Parenting differences. Sometimes it's about finances or just things I may or may not be doing that he doesn't agree with. They are not like they used to be when he decided to leave but it's still present sometimes. The problem is I don't see it as arguing but as disagreements about things and he sees it as stress. Of course he's not going to have these arguments with others because they don't have the same connections we have. It's aggravating.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
I'm making some assumptions based upon what you have said:
You still love your H and he still loves you but you have issues (the arguing one seems to be the biggest) that keeps you apart.
Your H has one foot out the door (separated and seeing OW) and one foot in the door (daily communication with you, financial and other help).
You still want to save your M, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on this site.
You can't change your H; you can only change you.
So what do you want to change about you? What do you dislike about Hazy that prevents you from being the best Hazy that you can be? Your H said he loves you but can't stand the arguments. Is there any validity in that? It sounds like you can't stand the arguments either because it is holding you back from your goal (saving your M), so how can you change that dynamic in yourself, without your H's participation? Does he feel like you don't listen to him? Does he feel like you don't value his opinion/input? Does he feel like you have to be right all the time/win every argument? Do you raise your voice/yell and scream/call him names?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, have you been talking to my WH? LOL All of those things you mentioned about how WH feels about our marriage and me are right on the nose. He did mention all of those things when we separated and afterwards when we had relationship talks. We haven't had those talks in a while but he definitely had those concerns.
As far as me, I want to change how I feel about myself. I overthink everything and make things up in my head and then act on those thoughts. I want to GAL and be ok with or without WH. I want to learn how to handle his anxiety and not make matters worse because I feel insulted or controlled.
I've done very well lately not arguing and being happy and the best me around him. I can tell he likes this.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
hahahaha lol. One of the values of this board is the input I have received from women here as they have given me insight into my W's perspective on my situation. If I can do the same for you, great. Based upon what you've said, it's clear he hasn't given up on having. R with you. I think that makes your situations one of the more hopeful ones around here. I think some focus and work on you is needed. Why is your H the target of your anger? What was/is your R with your father? What about with other men? Do you also argue with women? If so, maybe you just have communication issues. How does your mother express her anger and fight? Are you angry about other issues in your life? Are you happy with your appearance, aging, your intellectual and professional goals? Your religious and social life?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sometimes I don't think he's given up on me either based on his actions however, his actions sometimes just destroy me. As far as arguing, I don't argue with others and I know it takes two to argue but I just don't know how to communicate with him when he becomes angry. I wish I had you in my ear today Gordie becasue I had another bad day with WH and I honestly can't see how I went wrong. But somehow, the other woman was made out to be a Saint and now I just can't stop crying.
Ever since I found out about WH gf, I have not pursued and I have followed DR to the tee. When I see that he is frustrated about one of the girls and he is venting to me I just validate and everything is ok.
He has been showing me more attention with phone calls and texts and even invited me out a few times. Once I accepted and the others I did not.
Fast forward to today. He invited me to go on a hike and I accepted. We went with a group of people and I could overhear him telling a fellow hiker (a stranger) stories of our past vacations. He was laughing and having a good time. On the drive to the hike he brought up his gf and said that she had a problem with him spending the day with me and that they had almost broken up a few weeks back because he came over to mow my yard. (I didn't ask he just did it one day I was at work) I just listened. He said he wasn't sure They would last much longer because he told her no one would stop him from doing things for me He did say he cared a lot for her but he didn't see them together long term. Then I said "it sounds like you do care for her" ) he said, yes I care for her but I would die for you. Which of course made me both angry, sad, and happy all at once. But I didn't show that. I just smiled.
We had a great hike and lunch afterwards. On the way home out of the blue he said "you know GF might introduce herself to you if she sees you out" and I said "if she does that she's only doing it to be hateful" he said that she isn't that way and I said "well that's the way I see it" and he just lost his cool after that. I tried very hard not to argue but I was not going to take back the way I felt. He insisted that I was wrong in what I was saying and that I would embarrass myself and he said a lot of other hateful things after that. And I yelled back which made it worse of course.
He of course brought up how I don't ever do anything for him and that I put him through hell when I was pursuing and that he just needs to let go of me completely. I told him that I thought it was for the best that he did because it causes him heartache and that I didn't do anything to deserve him yelling at me and screwing up a great day. Needless to say the long ride home was miserable and we left each other angry and him closer to his GF's arms. I guess this is what I get for spending any time with him alone.
At one point of us yelling I said "can't you just understand my point of view! That I'm still in love with my husband and I don't need to be meeting his GF! " he yelled back "well don't you think I'm still in love with you!" I said no that his actions didn't show it. He became angrier and said "everything I do for you and you say that, you are sick in the head"
I just need to let go. I hope you or someone can help me understand all of this.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Hazy, you deserve a hug. Your H is as exasperating as my W.
The good: he is trying to love you through acts of service (mowing the lawn) and asking you to spend time with him; this is why I find your situation so hopeful...yet so frustrating.
The bad: you can't help yourself from arguing and yelling when your H says and does absolutely crazy things; you are letting his words and actions control you; this is really hard, but it is in your control.
The ugly: this is where your H and my W need to get locked up in a padded room: he expects you to accept the fact that he has a GF (my W has even suggested I will want to have her BF at our family birthdays and holidays); is this insanity, waywardness, MLC, who knows? What's the right way to respond? Yelling and screaming isn't working.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Update: WH texted and said he was sorry for saying what he said and that I was right in saying that he should've never mentioned that about his GF. I apologized also, for arguing and yelling. He then proceeded to send me tons of photos he took of me during the hiking that I wasn't even aware he was taking. He drives me crazy. Where is the location of that padded room?
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
More good news! Your H actually apologized to you? Maybe he still has a conscience? And men only take pictures of women they fancy and that's the truth!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm wondering if you took a snapshot of who you were 3 years ago and compared it to who you are today, what would be different?
Your sitch in its current state is unhealthy for everyone involved. You may not realize this, but you have the ability to create a shift in its direction. You currently play the role of the enabler, which will keep your sitch on the same trajectory. I think it is safe to say that fear is holding you back. The fear of him not doing things for you, like covering your health insurance, fixing things, mowing your yards, etc. Correct me if I am wrong.
Moreover, he manipulates you to keep you where he wants. His actions do not align with his words. Like he said that he'd die for you. My BS meter went off, because someone who says something like that to the person they are married to, doesn't have a GF. Be very aware of his manipulative ways.
How will things change? When you have had enough and begin to set boundaries. Since he has a GF, you have no obligation to interact with him or spend time with him. The interactions should be very limited. The cake eating suits him well.
Here's a boundary that I would suggest that you consider, "Mr. Hazy, as long as you have a GF, I do not think it is fair to me or your GF for me to be spending time with you." Then follow through on it. Of course he will not be happy. What kid is happy when their cake is taken away? The reality is, it will have to get more difficult, before it gets better.
Hang in there and trust the process.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I agree with LITB, you appear to be locked in an unhealthy embrace with your H who now has a GF...but the two of you are still arguing like a couple....but he's a couple with someone else now - ugh..
And none of this is really helping your own sanity and sense of peace is it?
There is no need for you to stay right where you are. You have been here for 3 years and are lumbering along with the same situation and dynamic. I have no problem with someone choosing to stand for their marriage. I respect that and it's entirely up to you.
But allowing your own life to be derailed with unhappy interactions and allowing an unhealthy dynamic to continue is problematic.
Here's the rub - your H may be very happy to contine ringing you every day whilst he has a GF. But is that okay with you? He may continue to do this for a month, a year or 10 years - who knows??
Personally, I would draw right back on the contact - not in a spiteful way - but just in a 'hey this isn't really working for me - if you want a GF have at it - but this isn't how I really want my life to be.'
Start making arrangements to get your own lawn mown and sink fixed. Just suit him out of the picture. He gets to have his cake and eat it, whilst you are seeking a padded room.
Don't look for him to change, make your own changes. You've been fired, which is a bit rotten - but you are also mistress of your own destiny now. Don't hang on his coat tails, embrace the freedom.
Now then, why not try a period of dim contact for the rest of Feb? And why not also post some freedom/independence goals for yourself. Independent of your H, what would you like to achieve this year?
You can do this!!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh, and one last thing - I found it really helpful to read about codependency. It helped me realise that hanging on to an unhealthy situation wasn't serving me well and I needed to do something to move myself to a better place. Have a look at Codependent No More if you haven't done so already...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh, and another final point. I think if you ask yourself these questions and bravely answer them from your highest self, you can't go too far wrong - not just in your present situation but in life generally.
Is this working for me?
What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?
If you can honestly answer these and courageously act on them, that is the way. I can tell you that these two questions alone have made a big difference to my life...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think LITB and Sotto are offering great veteran advice. Much better than my newbie advice. I think the main takeaway for me is the current dynamic isn't working so you have to try something different. I like the suggestions.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So he has you at his beck and call when it suits him and he's free to date whomever he wants? Wow, he won the lottery didn't he? There is zero incentive for him to change. He knows he's got you under his thumb and there are no consequences for him for dating while married. Maybe you should start dating instead of sitting around the house waiting for him to call. It's been 3 years. If he still loves you then you dating someone else will do the trick.
He'll want what he can't have. All people do. It's human nature. You're making it way too easy for him. You're a guarantee. Stop being a guarantee today. Have some self-respect. It'll work, I promise.
Journalling and thanking you all for offering feedback.
Your comments really help me and they are all so very true. I appreciate your honesty and frankness
An update on my situation. On the 20th of February WAH told me that he broke up with his GF. He said he wanted to spend more time with me and of course that made me happy. Since that day we have spent a lot of time together. Practically everyday we see each other or text/talk on the phone. We have gone on a couple of family outings as well.
We haven't had any relationship talks and I make sure not to argue about anything unimportant. If it is about finances or kids, we have quickly solved the issue and moved on.
He has said a couple of things that make it seem like he is wanting to have me more permanent in his life. During spending time at my place he said "I really miss having your cooking and spending time with you here at the house" Another time he said "The most content I've been in the past year is sitting with you having lunch and us just being together"
We have been in this situation before over the past three years. The positive changes I have made are:
1. I haven't pursued 2. I don't ask about his whereabouts 3. I am always happy and smiling when we're together
I hope we are moving in the right direction but I also keep all of your words in mind. I'm taking it slow and I actually am ok if it doesn't work out. I have written goals per DR and most of them have already been met. Which is a good sign. BUT like I said, we have been here before and the progress dissolved overnight.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Things are still going pretty smooth with WH besides my anxiety of what will happen next. I am trying to live in the moment each time we are together. But I still have this fear that any day he will say he's not ready to be in a relationship with me and he will scurry backwards.
Is this normal? After reading a lot of posts it seems normal.
He has said some positive things lately. He has told me he loves me, that he loves spending time with me, and that he looks forward to our time together.
However, He has also said that he likes his life that he has built for himself. The alone time he has, the place he has, and the not having to answer to anyone. Not sure what to make of that.
Any responses are definitely welcomed.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
But I still have this fear that any day he will say he's not ready to be in a relationship with me and he will scurry backwards.
I see this as completely normal given what one has gone through, no?
Quote:
However, He has also said that he likes his life that he has built for himself. The alone time he has, the place he has, and the not having to answer to anyone. Not sure what to make of that.
This almost reads like he is in dating mode with you again. Like he is enjoying the single life but at the same time want to see you and spend time with you, if that makes sense. At least that's how I read it. Is that a good/bad thing? Who knows, but the fact of him saying that he said he loves you and looks forward to spending time with you isn't a bad thing in my book.
Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll be fine.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
and have begun reading a few more self help books. I am beginning to GAL
