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Hazy #2726327 01/19/17 11:21 AM
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Hello Hazy,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It sounds like your husband has been cake eating for the last 3 years. Of course he gets mad and tries to put it on you when he doesn't get his way regarding communication and time with you. He wants it both ways!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Hazy #2726576 01/20/17 04:29 PM
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I'm just journaling but responses are definitely welcomed.

I'm having a hard emotional day today. Can't get the thought of WH with GF out of my head. I keep wondering how happy she makes him. I brought it upon myself because I asked him to take care of an insurance thing for me. Something I could've done myself. He called me later aggravated with the whole thing. I of course took it as he was aggravated with me. We've been very cordial the last few weeks. This morning he was sending me photos of the sunrise. I know it's been three years and I should be over it. But it seems like we were just trying to get back together and all of a sudden he was gone again. I'm just down in the dumps.


M-49 H-52
D-21 D-20 D-17
Married 20 years
Separated - Since 01/2014

Hazy #2726579 01/20/17 06:42 PM
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Hazy,

I'm sorry that you are feeling down and in the dumps today. I think a lot of people have bad days, many years down the road. It is normal and to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about it.

After I read your sitch, I think that your WH is the ultimate example of trying to keep a "plan B". I don't say that to make you feel like a 2nd choice, but this seems like a classic case.

He seems to be enjoying keeping you close. He can feel you pining for him, even when you do or say nothing. Every time he looks over his shoulder, there you are.

I would be willing to bet a million dollars that you you filed for D and had him served, he would crap his pants and come running home. I am not suggesting you do that if that is not what you want, because you would have to be willing to follow through. It is just a feeling that I get after reading your thread, it seems that he is just stringing you along because he knows you will come along.

Hang in there and keep your head up.


M-42
W-40
S-12
D-10
Together-13 years
Married-10 years
Separated-6/2016
ILYBINILWY-7/2016
EA-4/2016 (best guess)
PA-7/2016 (best guess)
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I think you are right Matrix. As much as I hate to admit it.


M-49 H-52
D-21 D-20 D-17
Married 20 years
Separated - Since 01/2014

Hazy #2726756 01/22/17 08:47 PM
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I have no idea what happen today. WAH texted early this morning to call him. I saw the message but didn't call him right away. He called me TWO MINUTES after me seeing the message. I answered in a peppy voice “good morning” I could tell he was a little surprised by the way I answered. We hadn't texted or called each other all weekend. he responded in a peppy tone “why didn't you call me back” I told him I was getting some morning duties out of the way so I wouldn't be interrupted when I called him. He became so angry. He said “you couldn't just call me back! How do you know it wasn't important?” Then he said never mind and went on with the conversation. I was talking upbeat and he mistook it for me being a smart ass. (I guess I wasn't sounding normal. Which I need to work on.) He said he was going to let me go he just wanted to find out some deatails concerning kids. He was so irritated with me at this point for absolutely no reason. I I told him I had just woken up a few minutes before he called. He said I wasn't telling the truth. We hung up after discussing details.

I called him back (pursuing behavior, I know) trying to smooth things over by asking about his mom. He answered very nasty and I asked what was wrong. He said “nothing what do you want I want to go” so I said bye and we hung up. An hour later he called and warned me about the weather and about d going over to his place for the next few days. He offered to take other d back to school so I wouldn't drive in bad weather. I told him I would take her and it was fine. He called me silly.

I dropped d off to him when we got back from trip. He was short and still irritated with me. I was the last person he wanted to be around. I didn't stay but two minutes but those two minutes were so stressful.

About ten minutes later he sent me a text asking for me to send him some pictures of work done at the house. His text said “I know it's none of my business anymore but could you send me two pictures of the yard, I'm just curious” I did, he asked a few questions and that was the last contact for the night.

Im trying to detach. But it's so hard.


M-49 H-52
D-21 D-20 D-17
Married 20 years
Separated - Since 01/2014

Hazy #2727062 01/24/17 12:24 PM
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I have no idea, but just speculating on your situation. Yes, you may be Plan B, but I think there may be other possibilities.

Assuming that he is acting in his best interest, he sees his best interest as being separated from you and not divorced from you. Why might that be?

*Does he has a religious/moral/social obligation/belief system that prevents him from getting divorced? He can think of himself as a good man for remaining in this state (generously keeping you on his insurance, etc.)?

*Does he still love you/have feelings for you/feel married to you...but is so angry about issues/hopeless that they can't change that he can't stand co-habitating with you?

*Did you have sexual incompatibility? Does he feel emotionally connected to you (wants to talk to you every day) but not sexually?

*Is he waiting for something, like the last kid leaving the nest? Or finding an OW that he wants to marry (something more serious)?

*Is he in the middle of a multi-year MLC fog where he is trying out different things (freedom, independence, moving out of the house, dating other people), but is not so certain about wanting a D?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hazy #2727074 01/24/17 01:02 PM
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You have a bonafide cake-eater on your hands. A wife and family when he wants them and all the women he can date when he wants them. The cure for a cake-eater is to take the cake away. You have the power to do that or you can put up with this abuse because that's what it is.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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TxHubby,

I just read your story and threads. Thank you for sharing it for the rest of us. It is truly inspiring.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie, I want to say it's scenario two. I could also be in my own fog though. The reason I want to say it's scenario two is because he always has my best interest at heart (besides him dating of course). He takes care of everything financial that might come up unexpectedly. He is not rich and has his own money issues with living separate from me but he makes sure I don't go in debt and that I'm taken care of. He also takes care of things around the home if I mention that something is broken. I do not ask him for anything, but if I ever bring up something in conversation before I know it it's taken care of. I also know that his love language is acts of service. When he found out I was having minor surgery he took off of work to come and be with me. It was very minor surgery but he wanted to be there. Which of course made my heart melt.

He has told me so many times during our separation that I'm the best woman he's every known and no one will ever be better but that he just can't do the arguing anymore.


M-49 H-52
D-21 D-20 D-17
Married 20 years
Separated - Since 01/2014

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