Well as it was suggested that I move myself over here from newcomers I think this is a good move for me
I have been stuck in a rut for way too long and I really hope that this new forum will be my place to come when I need to vent and move myself ever forward
It is funny in the 19 months that it has taken me to get here I really feel that I have started to understand relationships a heck of a lot more
One area that I want to work on is my own insecurity and my fear of letting go of someone
I question why I cannot let go of my fear that my W would want to have male friends this has always been an area that I have struggled with scared that she would leave me and meet someone else.
In my last post I mentioned that she has been pm with a guy and really ...I do not know why I even bother about this any longer.
She will do what ever she wants to do in exactly the same way that when I get into a new relationship my next partner will be free to make her own choices.
I want to be happy and most of married life I have been happy at times selfishly putting my own needs first over my family and lessons have been learnt
I am a good man
So my goals for 2017
Loose more weight get my fat ass back to the gym and on a healthy eating program
Join a slimming group for motivation and never know I might and probably will make new friends
My house has been valued but no interest in it we do need to secure the best price so am in no rush
So at the moment still inhouse separation and my W is mostly acting pleasent and this is what,perhaps makes it harder for me to detach if she clearly hated me then moving forward would be easier
It just at time feels we are still in a relationship all be it without intimacy ...is this a relationship or is this an existence ? Do people not live in sexless relationships ...sheesh I am 47 and have 4 kids is sex the be all ...I just miss the affection
Well I hope that I can get to know more,of the MLC forum users
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Changing forum is not a magic solution and will not change anything unless you do too. Here are some wonderful people with some long stories. I came here to be amongst others who have stood longer than me. To be inspired to keep going and to dig deeper. I am glad I moved here and feel more at home here. I hope you do too.
Did you ever check out ForeverYoungs threads as I suggested a few months ago. He stayed at home with a W that was done and wanted a D. Slowly very slowly things improved. They are not 100% yetbut recently started MC to work on it.FY took 5 years to reach this stage. I find that incredible but daunting.
There are others here too who have incredible stories. Check them out yourself.
Now back to you. I don't like how you state your goals.You undermine yourself in each one. Rework your goals to S.M.A.R.T. Specific Measurable Achievable Results oriented/ Realistic Timed / trackable And state them in the positive .
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi job thank you for the post I have started re reading a lot of this information and keep trying to understand things
In many ways I believe my W is in MLC however a lot of her pain and anger stems from years of resentment that she now would label as emotional abuse, caused by many things ranging from me not pulling my weight with the children,for years and me not doing my share of the house work to her feeling controlled as I was jealous when she wanted to go out I would question her as to who she is seeing so over time she stopped going out leading to more resentment
When I did not help her enough she would try to tell me I am not doing enough but I did not truly hear her sadness and tho I tried to do more I never managed to do enough
I would love to keep our family together and work on a better relationship however this is what I have been doing for the past 19 months and yet she still says I am not doing enough and I suspect I never will be able to.
I still try and show her I care about her and the children I sometimes buy gifts (wrong) but I want her to know how sorry I am that things did not work out.
She is very private with her phone and her iPad locking me out (we are separated after all) and this makes me curious if she now goes out she does not tell me where she is going and I cannot ask again this makes my mind race as to what she is doing and who she may be seeing . Her best friend is also going through a separation and no doubt and I strongly believe she is also telling my W how wonderful it is now she has met a new guy and I know my W has been pm a guy ( she showed me a pm from one of our children and under this it shows the recent pm she ha been having and one is from a guy she has met when she has been going out who is also friends with her friends)
I do not believe that my W is in a PA tho her emotional needs are being met from her female friends and her many Facebook friends.
I wanted to do enough so that we could fix things but even if she turned arround tomorrow and said ...you know what I want to give us about her go ...I am 100% sure that at some point in the not so near future I would do something to let her down and this would be enough to trigger her thoughts that she was right all along and why did she give me another chance.
Even tho I know this ...I still do not want to let go of what ....my marriage means to me and the thought that I will see my children less ....much less
So I try to work out a plan I try and work out is she really a MLC or is it something else what things could I possibly do to help her to reconnect perhaps this is how it has to be
I read an article that over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce over half...and these are the ones that divorce ....others separate and do not divorce let's call this a further 30% then you have spouses who sadly pass away a further 15% And then the ones who stay together for all the wrong reasons in a violent and abusive relationship through fear of leaving say 3% meaning that in reality only 2% of the most perfect marriages and relationships stay together is this really the case ???
So perhaps me hanging on to what I had and not being able to let go is an abusive trait.
Yet I still want to stand
I want to write to her probably tell her most of what I wrote here but posting here has to be a better option ...she knows how I feel about her I cannot stop her making her decisions and what happens ..will happen
My sister is pushing me to get the house valued I am looking at property in Devon this is close to my sister and my mum my two older children would love to be living there my wife has said she will be the main career of our youngest and second youngest ....but being 3 hrs ish away from where my W will live with my other two children how do I live with that.
If I do not move forward on the property in Devon that my older children like then I will loose it I nearly lost it over Christmas it was taken off the market and my older children let me know how unhappy they were ......
So I find myself between a rock and a hard place ...part of me wants to muddle along not having relationship conversations living in the same house in a loveless marriage ....I do get to see our children and be there for them every night so my W can do off and do a night shift
I want to feel the love that I used to feel ..yet when I look closely I can see that her love was not without conditions and had not been for years ...yet I still felt it as love from her to me
Deep,down I do not believe she will ever change her mind or reconsider building a new relationship built on love and intimacy trust and honesty yet still I cannot let go
I do not know where to turn or what to do for the best I believe any best willnow just be a compromise to some form of happiness.
So this is where I find myself and I do not want to be unhappy 2017 has to be a better year but how
Months I changed my name here to AtPeace I am far from peace
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Iwanted to do enough so that we could fix things but even if she turned arround tomorrow and said ...you know what I want to give us about her go ...I am 100% sure that at some point in the not so near future I would do something to let her down and this would be enough to trigger her thoughts that she was right all along and why did she give me another chance.
Hi Ghost.
Reread the above paragraph. What does that tell you about you?
Often. Very often, in your postings here YOU put YOURSELF down. If you don't like or value yourself, others won't either. I urge you to start working on that. There are loads of resources on the internet that could help.
Learn to know YOU Learn to respect YOU Learn what YOU want Learn what YOU like When you know these four things, you will be in a much better place to achieve other goals. But knowing these things is not enough. You must act and live them.
I live in a loveless M. I know how you feel. It does succk. But and it is a BIG BUT, you are living an in-house separation not a loveless M. You don't have to like this. You don't have to agree to it. It is a reality and you do have to accept it. Accept it and trust that the best and probably only way to save your M is to let it go. This is about doing what works.
Just to repeat another phrase often mentioned as a pillar of dbing is your W needs TIME and SPACE.
I feel that you are on the brink of a breakthrough in your thinking.let your thinking change. When you think differently you will DO differently and that is when real change can happen
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yeah, you do of put yourself down. You also seem to think the kids won't want you if you don't get a particular house in Devon. I'm sure your kids truly love you, so I don't think they will care if you don't get a particular property.
OK, so you're moving ahead. I fully understand your fears about seeing your children. Don't listen to all that nonsense about skype and all that, it's no match for physical engagement.
Don't judge your M on statistics. Everyone is different and statistics can be manipulated to suit a particular argument. I also feel your pain about her talking to/seeing OM. Read what job has sent you about this meaning nothing. Yeah, it's gonna hurt, but if your W is truly in MLC (I think you've been too close to her to see it yet) it's just a stepping stone.
Well done - it's been a bit of a marathon so far. Don't fall in the last furlong.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I really could not say if it is a MLC or A WAW i am not even sure that it really matters she was abused as a child and her mum left her dad got custody of the children then 4 years ago we nearly split up she thought I wanted more in the bedroom so sex was non stop for a couple of weeks and she fell pregnant she felt trapped
So 18 months on I am still in house with her she is saying more and more often that we have to sell the house as she wants to live in separate houses but she has not done anything about it yet I believe that she is waiting for two years to pass so she can file a non fault divorce
Why is it right now I feel a broken man I feel that there is nothing whatsoever I can do she has all the power and the control, the only way that I can take some of this back is to start the ball rolling with the sale of the house go very [censored] dark in house but not talk to her I [censored] hate her right now for what she has done the decision that she made that will result in me seeing my daughter less and y youngest son less
I do not want to be anywhere near her in the morning when she comes back home ...how can I be nice to her when right now I feel she has destroyed me because of her decision
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
how can I be nice to her when right now I feel she has destroyed me because of her decision?
I have asked myself this same question many times. And only you know your situation and yourself enough to answer. A friend gave me an answer that really helped. Treat her with the same compassion that you would if she had a physical illness, though this is a mental one. For better or worse?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Job you posted this in another thread ....The best thing you can do is to keep the focus on you and your family. There is absolutely nothing that will speed up MLC in a spouse. They have to complete the entire crisis and if they don't, they'll re-enter the crisis later, i.e., could be months or even years later, and it will be far worse than the first time around.
How do I know if my W is MLC or WAW or does it not really matter ?
Thank you
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Does your spouse exhibit depression and/or confusion? MLCers exhibit confusion and depression is the major ingredient. They tend to go off the rails, dress younger, change up hair styles, diet, spend money like water, exhibit a lot of anger in the beginning, think that a divorce is the answer to their prayers, detach from the spouse, children, pets, home, friends, etc. Is your spouse doing any of this?
You are the only one that tell if your spouse is in MLC. I would suggest that you read as much as you can on this forum, but no matter whether your spouse is in MLC or a WAW, we would still advice you to give them space and time and yes...keep the focus on you and your family. Affairs need to die a natural death and not by the hands of the betrayed spouse.
Here's are threads from many of years ago that may be of interest to you:
Last edited by job; 01/21/1709:36 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your question is just to know, I understand but honestly it doesn't matter.
If it is to know what you do, then again it changes nothing for you.
Listen to the advice already given.
However if your question is whether you belong to this part of the forum, then I agree with our friend huddy. This forum is more suited to what you are going through than newcomers. Nothing is stopping you posting in both.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Well they say nothing moves unless you move and I have been very slow to move however things are slowly starting to move,in a direction
My W has been telling me for the past 18 months that she wants to be in separate houses but she has done very little about it and my two older children have been telling me that they want to move to a house in the country and we have lost that property once
This weekend I have been down to the country and have looked again at the country house and for my daughter and for my son they both love the property but I am still very scared that I will find my self alone, I guess it is the fear of being alone that is holding me back.
My W wants this she has told me time and time again so I have to give her what She wants
it is not about me making this decision to move in the hope that my wife changes her mind as this will not happen and I realise that once I start this process the cogs will keep turning
I still read what my W keeps posting on Facebook small little statuses and her posts ....remember you are the person you are because of all the [censored] that has happened in your life you are strong and the past is not your future .... show she and she has changed she is,not the same person that she was when we married a huge part of me just want to try and resolve things with my W but I am scared that she is getting further from me
So I am still very focused on what she does or what she does not do
Because I have said to her that the two older ones want me to go to Devon she will now start packing up the house and the house will go in the market this is not what I want but I do not know how I can get across to her that all I want is for our family to remain as a family and to start working to better things
I know I still sound like a broken record and that nothing sounds like it is getting sorted
But I am actually very close to finding myself in a house in Devon with two of my children with my wife living in Hertfordshire with my other two children
I know change is not always bad but thre is something about having the support from your partner when it comes to dealing with the children
I am not great at being alone
I am not great at making decision
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Well home from the country having looked at ththe country property again
I am still so confused
For the past 19 months since my W told me she did not want to be married,to me any longer every single day we have spoken to each other had meals with the family we have been out sometimes just the two of us we have we have .....interacted not a day has passed where we have not spoken
I feel I have let go of my old ways ...I do not try and control yet I am still trying to control
I do not know what to do for my children well half of my children my older children ....I have to sell everything to downscale .......
I have to get son 1 in to collage in the country
Everything is getting more difficult
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
So i am still in house separation and doing A rubbish job at detaching
I need to find a way to get used to the feeling of being alone,I really have not been able to .get used to this at all and I miss the conversation ...some nights my W sits in her room not wanting to spend time with me then other nights she will watch tv with me which I enjoy we will chat but I always end up feeling low as even tho we talk and interact like friends ...there is no imtamacy as we are separated and it is this interaction and intimacy which I crave from her
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
It is very hard and you are moving forward It all takes a lot of time Continue to take care of yourself It is difficult to live with the MLCer
We do get used to being alone..It happens
I also remember it becoming so much easier for me after XH finally moved out did not have to see him all the time I felt space from the constant issue of his lack of attention
the next right move will be made known to you at the right time hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Your fear of being alone sounds central to all of this. I'm hoping that you'll find living separated is a relief after the past year or so. Are you still seeing an IC (I hope so) and can you explore this are there perhaps?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey sotto thank you for checking by I am still seeing an IC I find the talking really helps
What she has explored with me is the fact that I have never lost a girlfriend partner before as my W was my first partner and I was hers the fact that we were together for 27 years I am finding it extremely difficult coming to the terms and to grasp that ...life will go on and other relationships will be formed over time.
I have been to several meet ups but ...it just is not me it is not what I ever did in the past ....now I realise that this does not mean that I should not do things differently it is just a very different comfort zone
For now I have been looking at what happens next
I need to get a legal separation put into place my W never was a money grabber and I really do not expect it to start now but I have to dot the i and cross the T
So is a legal separation enough or do I need to file for Divorce
If I go to a soliciter can we both just agree the financials
I have a feeling I read somewhere that legal separation was not enough and financials could be contested and changed at a later stage.
Anyone in the U.K. Been through this
I would be really grateful for any advice
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I looked into legal separation and actually it would have been my preference. Of course get your own advice, but my L told me it would be highly unusual for a separation agreement to be amended at a later stage if all financials had been agreed with due legal advice at the time.
She told me that something substantial would need to have changed for this to happen. Like redundancy? I asked - no, like serious accident, life limiting illness or similar.
So, if you merely wish to S and not D at this point, suggest you work towards that with due advice of course.
Best of luck - and glad you are continuing with the IC. I found Meetups rather daunting too. But there are other activities out there where social interaction is more incidental to the activity - like dancing, walking groups, language courses - or whatever...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My wife says she does want to divorce her view is once we are in seperate houses or even as part of this process she will want to divorce me.
I have struggled seeing her starting the process of boxing up her items it is tough
When I have tried having a conversation with her I know I should not but it is so very hard when in house with her and all I want to do is make and keep a connection she has thrown so much at me abut what I have done to her she paints me as a monster....today was the final straw
I cannot go on trying I wanted to find a way to put things right but I can see this is never going to happen so I am making the decision to let today be the day that I let go of her I love my W but I really do not have anything left to give.
She is not the person that I married she has changed she is bitter she has a cold heart full of resentment does not love me does not want to be with me
Today I choose to let her go to free myself of her drama Today I chose to step back and give her what she wants to be free of me to let her go and love myself for having the strength.
I deserve to be happy I have not been happy for such a long time my fighting this separation has taken its toll
The next few months are going to be extremely tough I will no doubt ask for support I love my friends here thank you
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I'm in the UK and I have filed for legal separation because we sold our marital home and I wanted our kids to be financially secure.
Here is what my solicitor told me:
Legal separation isn't like divorce and it can be challenge at a later date by either party but the judge, in case of divorce, will question why one of you suddenly decides to challenge a separation agreement and the financial settlement. My solicitor said that if me or ex were tonchallenge it the judge would be very suspicious and quite rightly so.
My legal separation (finances, child maintenance, child access, inheritance, properties and pension) is as tight as possible (even ex solicitor requested that it's final and can't be challenged in court, I guess my ex forgot to tell him that he cheated on me!). I have filed and solicitor told me that it should only take 4 to 6 months because of the legal separation agreement. It has been in place for nearly two years now and it works fine.
The only down side is that it cost as much as a divorce. My solicitor told me to make it very tight with my pension. I have a very good one and ex has none meaning that even if we are divorced he could still claim 40% of it when I retired. I know this isn't what you want to hear but look after yourself financially, put aside any feelings as whatever you decide could mean a descent life or a not so descent one.
At the moment it looks like my W is going to be totally fair perhaps more than fair as strange as this is I still love her and love my children all she is sking for is half the value of the house my two young children for now will live with her I will see them regularly my two older children will life with me and will either come with me to see mum and siblings or mum has the choice to bring the younger ones to see me
I need to put some space between my W and I if I was living on her doorstep then I know I would find it incredibly difficult to move on I would be forever passing her house or trying to make excuses to see her and the children so as hard as this is I am making a decision to move about 180 miles away. I will be close to my sister and my elderly mother this will bring me some comfort and some support
I pray that I can keep a good relationship with my younger children I hate my wife for making her decision but she has some very deep feelings that throughout our marriage I had set out to abuse her and cause her upset these are sadly her feelings and I cannot change them. She has used words to me such a coerced her she said I groomed her this is utter rubbish I loved her,we met when she was very young I was her escape vessel from abuse at home we fell in love I was older than her but had not had any other partners no girlfriends at all so was inexperienced and loved her for being the first girl to love me
We were together for over 25 years so I did not set out to have my way with a then child as she is now pointing out we had a life time together
Time to be happy in my own skin time to think of me and my children I will love my W she may do further things to break my heart some more but I feel a sence of relieve for letting go
I do not want to divorce but that is hanging on I must truly let her go
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I need to put some space between my W and I if I was living on her doorstep then I know I would find it incredibly difficult to move on I would be forever passing her house or trying to make excuses to see her and the children so as hard as this is I am making a decision to move about 180 miles away. I will be close to my sister and my elderly mother this will bring me some comfort and some support
I pray that I can keep a good relationship with my younger children I hate my wife for making her decision
To me, more than 'letting her go', I really feel you should be worrying about this and focusing on fixing your issues. Youre moving 3 hours away from your children because of this. This is YOUR choice. Not W's.
Quote:
Time to be happy in my own skin time to think of me and my children
Well I thought I would drop in it has been a while a long while since I have been happy.
Been going out to several meet up groups and I have made quite a few new friends been having great conversations and this is with both men and women
I have ralised that there is life after being married
Letting go of my Wife was the hardest thing that I ever had to do but I have done it and the sence of relieifthat has come from it is huge.
I was stuck for a very very long time and many of the vets must have been pulling teath trying to get me to see this
I am sorry that it took me so long to finally get it
I am still upset that my marriage was one of the inest that ended and I was not able to reconcile sometimes anger and bitterness goes much deeper than first realised
Sandi fog v huddy sotto I know I have missed many who stood by me thank you all.
I am very happy chatting to a lady from the group we get along extremely well can chat for hours.
Snooker and pool have been fun and I am even looking to restart my tennis soon
Everyone deals with things differently and there is no normal I am happy again
Thank you again
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I am glad you have found your happiness. Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am so glad that you've finally found peace and happiness. It takes a long time to get to this point, but when you do...it's so much better.
Best wishes and please come by to visit...don't be a stranger.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know I made all the mistakes that I could but that is part of life without making the mistakes I do not believe I would have found the answers that I have found
Not sure if Sandi has managed to check in but if anyone sees her please can you pass to her my gratitude and love for all the time she spent helping me
An offer has been made on my house I will be moving to the country I have been out with a lady that I met at one of the local meet ups and it was pleasent I am not looking to rush into another relationship but I am having a fun time moving forwards
The number one thing that I took away from here is that the fear of the unknown can be crippling loose the fear and the magic can begin
Now all I have to do is deal with a divorce try and come out of it with tha shirt on my back hopefully she will keep the divorce amicable
I wish you all love and peace
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Well I thought I would,check in as it has been a while
Things still have not moved very far for me and I just want to check out a couple of things.
So still living in the same house things are really starting to get strained between us every thing that I do is wrong or not good enough not as much as she would do yet I feel I am trying my best and getting absolutely zero recognition ...it is not even the recognition it is the fact that if I look after the children then I get what housework have you done if I do the housework and then I get what have you done with the children
All I get is criticised some would say if she is still doing this then a part of her still cares as she is sitill engaging with me all be it with bitterness.
So I am scared to move myself forward she has started the ball rolling,by seeing a solicitor and she has asked me to submit to them my financial information
I feel I deserve to be treated better than she is treating me even as two people sharing the same house I would spend some time with the other human being in the house.....even watching tv like we used to would be nice I am not asking To sleep with her she just does not give me anything.
So how do people get to the point of wanting out of this,...I still love her we were together for 27 years I really struggle to let her go it sounds totally controlling I just do not want to be on my own even on my own with two of our children,
I do not know how to get to the point of letting her go and know I will be ok
Any advice
Thank you Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
My kids asked me to make him leave so that made it easier for me. That and the fact that he was nasty to me 24/7 and blamed me and criticized me for everything I did. Much easier now that I rarely see or talk to him.
Hi Ghost, your last post seems at odds with the post before...isn't the ball rolling anyway as you had an offer accepted on a house you liked? In that post, you seemed to have accepted the direction things were taking and that you were not trying to work on things.
Were you hoping you might just S and not D?
Just trying to understand where you are at with things...as you sounded like you had accepted things in your previous post...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I guess I was hopeing that time would be a healer and that yes perhaps a separation but not a divorce would have been an option however for me to be able to purchase the new house I would need to have a financial agreement in place
I suppose another question is do I get the financials sorted before the divorce as a matter of safety
Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Yes, start working on your financials. It is in your best interests to be thorough and have your documents in order.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In my situation, I hoped to resolve the financials and S only.
However, XH suggested selling our main home (that suited me) And I was advised only to sell as part of full financial settlement XH only wanted to settle financials as part of divorce And so he filed for D...
It suited me to settle the financials sooner rather than later, but I didn't really push that..
I think it is always best to have clear (written and with due legal advice) agreements in place upon S - ie: for financials, children and so on..
Time does help with the healing, and doing things for yourself, working on you, GAL all really help the healing too.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Ghost , just my humble opinion but I think you confuse acceptance with being over it. Time will eventually give you acceptance but you may never get over it completely , that's a choice you have to make. In your last post there was reasonably good news, a new friend , house offer accepted and things moving forward. Did you ever read the books ? Do your share around the house obviously but don't over do it. Time with your kids is priceless so do as much of that a you can.
Expecting your W to want to watch tele with or things like that are not going to happen. Imagine the worst pupil you've had and you couldn't wait for them to get out of the car, that's how your W feels about you , that's hard to accept after all these years but right now it's true. Accept that and then treat W with respect but indifference. She's made herself clear and if she every changes her mind it will be down the road and right now you are the cause of all her problems and unhappiness. We now your not but that's how she feels.
G, we all get how you feel but you have choices in this , maybe not the ones you would like but you can help.yourself get through it quicker by not dwelling on the past or what might have been. You have a life to live and only you can choose to live it.
Protect yourself financially because this isn't the woman you married, be fair to her and yourself.
I put in place financial agreement once we sold our marital home (not what I wanted) because I knew that ex is unstable financially ( still is to this day) and I wanted to protect my kids and myself. Best decision I have ever made. You need to be secure financially for your kids.
Our house is on the market but no offers yet I have put an offer in on a house by the sea about 180 miles away from where I currently live
I have started building my business two days a week in Devon and this is going well
My W has contacted a solicitor and she told the solicitor that all she wants is half the value of our current house then her money is hers and my money is mine my cars are mine and her car is hers all sounds extremely fair
Our two older kids want to come and live with me and my younger children will live with their mum I will pay her maintance ...set out by the government I will have our younger children probably every other weekend younger holidays and also see them
My W wants to divorce I fight this and she wants seperate houses I still despite how clear she makes it to me that she is done with me and the marriage ...I still cannot get to this point
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G, the pain will easy with time and you can help by living your life and not just existing. Great news about your business but I do worry about your family and their siblings being so far apart. Stay strong mate and remember all the positives in your life and don't focus on the negatives.
Our house is under offers and I have now been served
I have seen a solicitor and she bought be Me some comfort but I am not looking forwards to the next few months
So a question control has been an issue for me in the past and I used to hate to see my W go out without me
This Friday she is having some friends over and then they are all going clubbing I will be,left looking after the kids ...I am wondering if I will manage seeing her getting ready to go out seeing her getting made up and going out without me still hurts.
What if some of her new friends are guys is it wrong for me to say sorry but I don't want them our family home is that wrong
I know I cannot stop her doing whatever she will do ....I still hope for a way through this but her way through is divorce and seperate houses lives she is not mine she tells me that we have been apart for over two years and that she could have been re married and have a new family
She is very distant and I do still struggle
I am working a couple of days a week in Devon my two older kids are looking forward to moving I will be up and down the country plan to get a motorhome to sleep in when I am back seeing the younger kids
I am slowly making plans it is just I still am too attached
Any advice for Friday night
Many thanks Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G , firstly good news that you are making plans for your future and starting to build your business in Devon. Dont worry about Friday until something happens. You are stressing out about it and it may amount to nothing. If need be , go out before with kids and let W get on with it. Its normal to be attached, this takes time. Do what you can to avoid getting involved in Ws business. Obviously if W does something tbat you wouldnt accept from a room mate then you have to.deal with that but post here first so people can advise.
Hi G , firstly good news that you are making plans for your future and starting to build your business in Devon. Dont worry about Friday until something happens. You are stressing out about it and it may amount to nothing. If need be , go out before with kids and let W get on with it. Its normal to be attached, this takes time. Do what you can to avoid getting involved in Ws business. Obviously if W does something tbat you wouldnt accept from a room mate then you have to.deal with that but post here first so people can advise.
Hi it has been a little while since I last posted and I feel I am moving slowly forward the offer on our house fell through so currently our house is still on the market I'm still looking to be relocating my life to Devon I feel that I need to put some distance between myself and my soon to be ex wife
One of the things that I really find difficult is excepting her going out and not wanting to be with me I understand this is her choice but I still find it incredibly painful especially as I'm still in house with her and seeing her going out and sometimes are even asking me to drop her off just hurts
As of yet she is not in on a new relationship but as she has pointed out to me we have been separated now almost 2 years and she could've been with someone else and remarried and have another kid on the way I know this is not what she wants from what she still sometimes shares with me
So I had no control of her going out during our marriage she knew I hated her going out without me so she stopped going out with Her friends. I realise this is a massive problem as it is so very controlling I just really struggle with her going out potentially meeting new males and getting further emotionally from me perhaps,I was always secretly scared she would one day leave and now she has
Any tips on how to let go,
Thank you Ghost
Last edited by job; 08/19/1709:56 AM. Reason: Merged threads
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G , just to say Sandi is on the mark. Your insecure and i get that. I know how it feels to be insecure and you need to work through those issues with an IC. As for letting go ,, you might need space from W. The living together is very tough for a very secure person but for an insecure one , its torture.
Hows your GAL ??? Hows the children doing ????
G, read Sandis quote under her name, your at this for sometime now and nothings changing , you need to do something differently to deal with this.
I have covered my insecurity issues with my IC and what we talked about was several things
One of which was When I was very young about 13 I liked a girl at school a so called friends...friend decided that it would be a great idea to phone her up and tell her that I wanted to f*** her etc ...her parents went ballistic. She was just 13 we both went to the same school... I was dragged in front of the head and embarrassed by the head over what he had said to her ....I could never look at this girl again it also made me very nervous about chatting to girls
This is the first time I have ever really talked about this other than to my IC
Ok so I have said in the past I have only ever been with my W she was my first love/ attraction we kinna fell together and had 25 years together and a further 2 years seperated and we have four kids together
I fear that I will be alone and that no one else would want me and as I have not experienced relationships ....i worry that I do not have the skills to form another one ....remember I have not experienced different relationships I have had just the one and we fell together when she was very young. This leads me to question was our relationship a good one ...how can I even tell or comment if it was good or bad it was what it was ...I do not have other relationships to compare against so how would I know for sure I know it lasted a very long time but it also ended so was it a success or a failure
Ok so I have insecurity ...I do ...I am over weight I worry about my looks I feel I am small in the Manley department ....mostly probably caused by my weight ...my stomach covering ...that bit !!! I feel that I have lived an extremely sheltered life and have not had to get out and meet people
I meet and inteact with lots of people in my job but most of the people that I meet with are between the ages of 17 to 23 I am now 48 so even tho I am extremely confident in my job and with conversing with people of both gender I do spend a lot of my time with young adolescents as opposed to people my age so interacting with younger people is easy transferimg this to people my age is another matter.
So I have have been seperated for about two years tho living in the same house and the one thing that I really miss is the closeness of being with someone who wants to be with me ..
So it does worry me that I might find myself attracted to someone who is a lot younger than myself particulary if they show me an interest.
I want to be extremely clear I am not talking about getting involved with someone my daughters age 18....this is not what I am saying ....what I am trying to say is that I almost do not care who I spend my time with as long as they make me happy fill a gap I love to talk and if that is to a Twenty year old or a fourty year old then I really do not care I am not looking to strike up a relationship with either but I worry that because I feel lonely I could fall into the wrong relationship with the wrong person ...to fill the gap ...me feeling lonely.
I should add that I also get on extremely well with my male friends as well my male clients and I equally enjoy chatting to them.
I almost think that I need to get out meet lots of different people form lots of relationships ...catch up on the dating that I missed out on as a teen...experience a few bad dates a few good ones have the ones that don't last the ones that don't matter experience life a little to give me that balance on what is good and what is not .....bad idea ?
Would this give me more confidence or break mine I really don't know I question everything these days.
My gal could be better
My children i am spending lot more time with them ...this is a good thing
I still am too emotionally attached to my ex
Letting go is a choice
Thank you
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G, lots in that post, im not a vet and any advice i give comes from my own experiance.
Your weight , etc mean very little to most ladies. They are much deeper than that but maybe for your own self esteem why not get some exercise ?? It should be good for your body and mind.
Why not join a social group ? I know you love your cars so join a Porsche owners club and make some new friends.
Im very insecure but if you met me i would appear go be the most confident person ever. Im seeing a lady for the last 3 months and she is a stunner, intelligent, beautiful and fit as a flea, 3 times now ive let my insecurities cause issues in the R but luckily she has pulled me back. She has her own insecurities and im not exaggerating when i say shes stunning but to her she has flaws. My point is we view ourselves quite cricatlly and others may not.
Whether you M was good or not , it was what it was and proberbly a bit of both. Hearing what your W says about new Rs and having more kids etc must be heart breaking and would upset anyone.
Again , these are my thoughts only , you need space and you need to move forward with your life. This situation has happened and your W is obviously happy enough with how things are. Thats no good to you and your state of mind. You need space to get a clear head and let W do whatever she wants without it affecting you.
You need to change things , if your ready to date then date, personally i would join a few social clubs and keep yourself busy. If you meet someone then all well and good but its not the goal. Exercise ( for you ) and start to feel some confidence in yourself.
On the school days thing, thats in the past, i would almost guarantee that you are the only one that remembers it and alot of teenager boys have done plenty of stupid things to get girls attention. My own S18 did something similar a few years ago.
This is your life G , its not a dress rehearsal, live it , enjoy it and be the very best you that you can be.
On another note has now filed for divorce and I have signed the divorce papers so I guess I'm now waiting for this to be submitted to the court how do I deal with this The resentment is building it makes me feel very angry and bitter upset tearful I guess it makes it feel closer to the end
How do I keep my emotions in check when the letter arrives telling me we are now no longer married
I need the divorce to be through in order to be able to move forward with the purchase of my next house but that feels so final
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I think many of us might feel insecure about R after the whole MLC trauma
WE can learn from the past and many of us will find and sometimes better R and M if we choose
I would work on self esteem-build it with more power filled self messages- you can learn this in therapy
If you want another R-seek it after you have recovered more self esteem -so you can attract a worthy partner
also once you create Physical distance from Wife--with your move --I believe it will be easier to let her more fully go and hopefully after you won't care what she does or who she meets
Good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Having someone you can talk to about your feelings during the divorce process, may help with your level of emotional stress. I mean, someone other than family.
There are a lot of books written on the subjects you've described about yourself. I don't know about where you live, but some places offer community classes that teach how to meet new people and interact socially. There are tons of free information on Internet about building self-esteem, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You will be okay. Glad that you ate in a better place mentally.
Best of luck with your new start.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
So much has happend in my life since I last posted but ....I do have a question
So I am now living apart and have sold the family home ...just as I was told it would be ok ....and it is ....living on my own with my older children is well stressful they are teenagers and wow they are lazy ...got to get some ground rules in place before I get arrested for murder !!!!!
W and I are kinna civil to each other divorce has been filed ...inside granted and now just waiting for the six weeks to pass
I travel a lot to see my younger kids and not seeing them is killing me emotionally still getting very upset and I try not to think about the sitch.
W has banned me from going into her house and this makes it a little difficult when dropping off and seeing the younger ones ...and I know I am still way too attached and still I cannot let go ...seems no matter what she says or does however hurtful she is to me I cannot let go ...my choice and it will change however for now I am in a much better place than I was six months ago wow looking back at those times it was hard to see past the mist.
Been watching many motivational YouTube videos and this is really helping me work is goo still have my health some money in the bank W was very fair on splitting the equity so cannot grumble at all
So my question ....do I wear red socks or black on Christmas Day
Hugs
Ghost x
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G , fantastic to see your post. Well done with getting on with your life. Things do improve and they do so at a faster rate if you move forward. If only some.of the posters had mentioned that to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( 5000 times)
Tough re the younger kids but time will help.. teenagers !!! I have 3 at home + a 22 year old. I think they study laziness at school now and my crew are straight A student's. Still we love them ( mostly ).
Now for the serious business , as Huddy says , Fed , it's Xmas!!!
Stay strong and positive, your life is yours to control and enjoy, do both everyday.
Alright ghost!! This made my day. So so soooo happy to see you post something like this. You even got a live HAHA out of me with your question. Keep it up my friend. Glad you are on a good path and you came out of everything ok. I hope some of the veterans on new comers wonder over here so they can see how much you have grown. Awesome job!!
RD yes it did take a few posts and even then I am not sure I ever got there ..perhaps time away from here may have helped perhaps,it was just the passing of time
Well Christmas was fantastic I had all my children with me ...strangely I did feel a little sad for My stbxw I gave her the chance to join us but she declained ...so hey ho no worries moee turkey for me !
Taking my younger children back and leaving them with my soon to be ex was hard again I'm not sure what is going to help getting into the routine perhaps time perhaps
So New Year's resolutions join a gym workout lose some of my weight this has been a hurdle for many years but one that this year I intend to crack
In January I intend to try and lose iat least one stone
I will post
I wish you all a fantastic New Year and I know that 2018 will be better for many
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G, a really change in your posts and its great to read. You got to spend Xmas with your kids, that's brilliant. Time does help but you have to let it. Live for the future and not the past. I look forward to reading more positive posts. Happy New year.
Well new year comes in the post the news that I am now officially Divorced a free man so to speak
Two years ago I am not sure how I would have reacted ...very different to how I felt when I got the news
I get to have my younger kids with me every other weekend in Devon and I will be arranging to try to see them in between
Love having my older kids living with me lots to do at the new house that still needs sorting but my plan is to start arranging evenings out with the older kids gokart racing and climbing
Looking at booking a holiday a week away with or without my kids don't really mind might book into a tennis holiday always fancied this
Ex W is still cold towards me but I actually can now find myself standing up to her and am not really too worried about her plans
Sure from time to time I think about the past and missing her but it is easier for me to get grip and focus on my new life
Going to try to hang out a bit and see if I can give a bit back to the people here
Take care and remember it is not about achieving your goal it is about maintaing your goal
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Click Edit Profile and scroll down to the bottom of that screen and make your changes
Click submit (it may take a day for the changes to appear)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi G, great to see another positive post, it's a hard journey but your a good way through it. I look forward to seeing more of the same positive stuff.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hey guys and girls it has been a while again since I have posted
Three years ago I remember the fear the panic the many many people who tried time after time to help me to realise that ...I would be alright and that the spinning would eventually stop
Moving forward is as easy or as hard as you wish to make it and I chose the ...let’s make it hard route and it was tough
Living together in the same house after break up was a crazy idea and sandi tried to get me to realise this along with any others
Well four months of living apart so much seems to have been happening
My divorce was made final at the end of last year I still miss the life that I had and the family unit that I lost but ...and THIS IS THE —-> BIG BUT life has gone on
So I am 49years old and have made several friends both male and female been out on a couple of lunch dates with a couple of ladies and I am currently texting and chatting to a lady who I get on very well with
I met her at slimming world ..I have lost two stone since joining she has lost 4 stone and has been so supportive having her on my team is only going to help me on my path to happiness ...she is fun to be arround I feel happy.
I could never have imagined a life without my ex but looking st this from an outsider ..it happens all the time ..the blame that was thrown in to me hurt and I took it all made some mistakes but I learnt a lot on the way
It hurts when I have to do child swap and my little girl is crying and asking to stay with me longer it breaks my heart but I feel the deep love that I had for my now ex w is faiding ...this sadnes me but I am at peace with the decision that was made.
Going forward it is going to be fun and exciting
Nobody knows how much time we have left I have not wasted the last three years standing it has given me the time to grow and learn where I went wrong ....
I feel a great strength from what I have learnt and will always try to be a part of this community and keep in touch with my friends
Ghost
I have restored your posting.
Last edited by job; 05/15/1812:46 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi G, great to read such a positive post, you have come a long way, well done mate. Congrats on the weight loss , another huge positive and treating the ladies to a new G, very good.
You put the bit about how hard you can make this journey on yourself and you are so true , we each take our own time but following the guidelines and advice given by this board it can help greatly.
That's very sad about your daughter but be the best dad you can be ( which i have no doubt you do) and reassure her time and time again of your position as a rock in her life.
