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Our R talk came about because we had to talk about MBR issues, and I had to explain why I'm taking the position I'm taking on the MBR. That's when she told me she filed. Overall a cordial, friendly talk. Some tears were shed by both. No anger. In retrospect, I wish I had validated more/better. Oh well.

She has mostly said she doesn't know why she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, that she feels somehow our chemistry is simply wrong. This time, she did say that certain things did kill her feelings toward me. Which reminds me, actually, that she's said those things in our past R talks as well (months ago, before my DB efforts). I'm always glad to hear those things, because I believe there is a cause-and-effect thing going on in our marriage, rather than simply "we have the wrong chemistry." I mean, if there is cause-and-effect, then there is hope you can fix it. If it's simply wrong, then there is nothing to fix.

However, she has never been able to paint a clear picture of what all those things are that ate away at her feelings for me. As with most of real life, I think it's complicated. There was a complicated set of things that ate away her feelings for me: various conflicts we had, our mutual difficulty accepting each other's mistakes and ways of doing things, our inability to talk about hard things openly. And that gets at trust: she has always admitted she can't trust me, nor anyone. And in this mix is also her intense anxiety and a need for intense emotional gratification and a need for intense limerence.

100383: What is she waiting for. She's daunted by her economic future as a divorcee, and she feels guilty for what she's about to do to our kids. BTW, she uttered something about "even if we did stay together, it would work for a while then I'd be back feeling the same way." It's the first time she's allowed even a hypothetical possibility of staying together. Of course this sinks hooks of hope into my heart; yet I fight it knowing that she filed. She $#%! filed. There is a set of public documents down at the court house asking for dissolution of marriage, with my name on it, and with a plan for how to split up my kids' times. I meditate on that fact and any hope is gone.

JRuss & LT: weird, our brotherhood. I wish I could have met you in a different way. I wish guys well. Reading and thinking about you guys helped me a lot. Also, I now believe what you guys are saying and have said about feelings, about chemistry: my W and I had incendiary chemistry at one point, and it changed. So it CAN change back.

Gordie: I thank you for your thread as well, and our situation have some strongly similar elements. I appreciate you inquisitive, mellow style. About support: I do have some supportive friends I can talk to, and I am getting DB coaching and do have access to an IC that I am taking a break from. At this point, I feel I have the right amount of support. I'm not feeling particularly needy about talking to people. Writing in this anonymous forum is a little different though. Feels good to write here.

What's next. I stay steady. I am trying to be happy. Enjoy every single morning and night I have with my kids (before that drops to 50%). I even enjoy seeing my W around, before that will be no more. I keep busy with my work, my kids, work around the house, and outdoor activities.

I wait to be served.

I have no anger. These are the last few pages of a book my W and I started years ago. Stories do come to an end, and I'm not aiming for tragic. The curtain close on this act, and I can walk away feeling good about this. I'm certain that this will be the hardest thing I will have completed in my life.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 94
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ForGump,

I have checked in on your sitch over the last couple of months. I am sorry to hear that she filed. I do not see any confirmation of OM in your signature. Do you suspect any OM? All of the talk about "the wrong chemistry" seems to be part of that ugly "script" when there is someone else in the picture and they have a new point of reference.

Listen. I know you say that you are steady.

I know that you say that you have no anger.

These are are all good things, but I am not sure that I believe you.

This is not over until you say that it is over.

She might have filed, but those are only pieces of paper. They are not flesh, they are not bone. They are paper.

Are you ready for it to be over? Have you truly thrown in the towel because you feel like you have no choice?

It is all up to you. You are ultimately in control of this.

It is not ever over until YOU say it is. Repeat that out loud.

If you are truly ready for it to be over, then wave the white flag. We all would certainly understand.

But if you are not, then don't. Continue to DB for as long as you can stand it.

I will be praying for you, whatever your final decision is.

Stay strong brother.

--Matrix


M-42
W-40
S-12
D-10
Together-13 years
Married-10 years
Separated-6/2016
ILYBINILWY-7/2016
EA-4/2016 (best guess)
PA-7/2016 (best guess)
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Matrix--

Thanks for your encouragement. I agree w/ much of what you wrote.

I think I gave a mistaken impression of where I am. I have accepted the gravity of my situation. But I have not given up.

Admiral Stockdale said,

"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

I accept that my wife filed. I accept that she is likely to have me served. But I choose to keep doing what I think is right in my heart. I'll keep working on detaching while being warm. I'll keep getting a life. I'll just keep working on being a better Dad, a better person. I hope to keep doing that, even if this marriage may end.

My current reality feels brutal to me. But I hold on to some hope. Not unrealistic hope. Realistic hope.

Once the divorce is completed, though, I won't hang on to hope for reconciliation. I plan on moving on.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 312
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Originally Posted By: ForGump
BTW, she uttered something about "even if we did stay together, it would work for a while then I'd be back feeling the same way." It's the first time she's allowed even a hypothetical possibility of staying together. Of course this sinks hooks of hope into my heart; yet I fight it knowing that she filed. She $#%! filed. There is a set of public documents down at the court house asking for dissolution of marriage, with my name on it, and with a plan for how to split up my kids' times. I meditate on that fact and any hope is gone.

JRuss & LT: weird, our brotherhood. I wish I could have met you in a different way. I wish guys well. Reading and thinking about you guys helped me a lot. Also, I now believe what you guys are saying and have said about feelings, about chemistry: my W and I had incendiary chemistry at one point, and it changed. So it CAN change back.


Gump, I think it's appropriate and right that you have hope. It's not unrealistic and that hope partially motivates your DBing, which you are right to continue. Make it easy for her to come back because you're a calm, confident, happy-within-yourself man. As you always tell me, be great.

I really think that the economic hardship and reality of life is weighing on her. You don't need to remind her, but if there's something that you can stop doing for her to give her independence (and a little struggle) that might bring her some clarity.

Hugs, Gump.

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Originally Posted By: ForGump

My current reality feels brutal to me. But I hold on to some hope. Not unrealistic hope. Realistic hope.

Once the divorce is completed, though, I won't hang on to hope for reconciliation. I plan on moving on.


ForGump,

I'm really feeling your pain...and hope...love what you said about realistic hope...what does moving on mean to you? As you know, I'm about to separate, so have been thinking a lot about that...would love to hear your thoughts...particularly as we both have kids and want that co-parenting thing to work...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: 100383
if there's something that you can stop doing for her to give her independence (and a little struggle) that might bring her some clarity.

Thanks. I'll think about that. Not so much from the place of wanting to affect her feelings, but from the place that ... well, I'm the over-accommodating fixer type, so letting her be more independent is simply the healthier thing for me to do. I like doing stuff for people, and doing it makes me feel more secure about the relationship (friendships, marriage, etc.) so I think there is a co-dependency element there. I have to work on that to be a healthier partner/friend.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
What does moving on mean to you?

I start with the caveat that I know my feelings about things can change over time. So nothing is written in stone. But as I stand here now, I feel certain I cannot allow myself to want my W back after we divorce and she is seeking other relationships. It just hurts too much to continue to consort with her while knowing that's what's going on. For my own mental health I need a clean break. I will try to stay in tune with how I feel, and, at an appropriate time, would like to start dating. Could be months. Could be years. Don't know. I'm not eager to re-marry, but I do feel lonely and miss the warmth of a woman.

With respect to my kids, I expect to amicably agree to a 50-50% custody arrangement. I will do everything within my power to make full use of my 50% custody. I will re-arrange, scale back, whatever I have to do with my work to be able to do that. I will only rely on my W if I have to go out of town for work, and if then, hopefully swap rather than simply cede my time. I will do all I can to be present at my kids' various activities.

I don't want to blur to 50% custody by having my W come over to my home and vice versa. At least not based on how I feel now. I don't want to keep pretending we're an intact family once my W has broken it up. I don't want to keep seeing her. And I want to move on.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jun 2016
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FG -- it's still very early days for you in terms of the D, but have you given any thought to how you'll schedule your respective custody days?

With 50/50, and a desire for each parent to get the same number of weekends, the 2-2-3, 2-2-5-5 and 7-7 models seem to be the ones most often used. Mine are too old now for the 2-2-3 as much as I'd like it due to not having to go too long not seeing them, but it's 19 transitions a month for them, and that's too much for a tween and (young) teen like I have, who have school, homework, tests, activities, a social life, etc. As much as it'd kill me to do it, I'm not sure a week on, a week off wouldn't be best for the kids because they'd be able to get really settled and relaxed before having to do it all again. Basically I'm struggling with the reality now of really, truly having to think solely in terms of what's best for the kids, even if it will be gut wrenching to go so long in between visits. They both have a lot of activities, though, and like you, I'll be religious about attending, so there will be times I can see them when it's not formally "my" time with them. I tend to think my W will have a lot of times where she can't get out of work, or her social life intrudes, so I'm trying to work a "three hour" rule into the parenting plan, where each of us commits to asking the other if they'd like to have the kids, before they'd otherwise leave them with someone else for more than 3 hours.

This [censored]. All of it.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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This kind of stuff makes me feel like dying. Is it in the Crucible where a suspect is slowly crushed to death by having boulders placed on his chest.

I need to go down to the courthouse to see what parenting plan my wife filed. I doubt it's 7-7. That would be too long for each of us to go w/o being with our kids.

I just search online for various schemes, and see multiple alternatives. Every one of those makes my heart ache. I need to think about it.

Thanks for encouraging me to do this ahead of time, though. This is my reality and I need to confront it.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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So sorry for you Gump.
I just cannot how painful it should have been to heard those words from her.

How do you picture the next few months together in the house?
Did you discuss or have the intention to discuss with her what you are comfortable with?
May be let her handle herself by herself, reality is different from fantasy. It something we cannot make them understand, they have to experience it. You still can have feelings for her and provide her with acts of kindness but reality has to settle down on its own.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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