cheesyt6 - 10months in and W is still far away..

[cheesyt]

W texted asking about taxes. We exchanged a few texts over this. Then I asked about seeing D10.
W replied- you know, I’m sure your intentions are good and I thank you for that. But that this point in time, I just don’t see the need for this to go any further. She is finally getting settled into life and I think right now it is unnecessary to confuse her. I hope you understand.
W- I'm sorry. But things are finally settling down and D is about to be rocked again. I have to explain to her that my mom has ALS. So I just think that life needs to remain constant for her at this time. I really hope you understand.

I have not replied, as I do not know what to say.

Back in October W told me to back off from D and MIL. (W said both D and MIL were bad mouthing me so I agreed to back off)

These texts led to a mini break down. Some reasons, I felt rejected all over again. I feel that w is just fine without me and bringing me back into their lives is nothing she’s interested in. (which in my eyes means no R) W has lost 2 grandparents she was close to while with me and I believe I was a great support to her, so naturally with MIL’s disease I wish I could be there for W. I can’t believe W really thinks having D's other parent (me), the only other constant parent in D’s life is not good for her, especially now. Someone else is that support for both of them and that hurts. I know I’m doing some mind reading, but from my side of the fence, W is with SOW, which D is settling into. No reason to leave SOW cus it would “rock” their lives again. WTF. W was just fine rocking our lives (Which W apologized for one night over the phone in Nov) Live’s will continue to be rocked obviously by the natural progression of life, yet not because I’m coming back into the picture. It seems like W’s world is falling apart and so much is going on, which I would hope would shake her back to me but it seems as though the opposite is happening really feel's as though I've lost this battle.

What I wish to respond with is “I do not understand how not having her other parent in her life is best, However I respect your decision. It must be very difficult for you to have so much on your plate regarding MIL and D. I truly hope they are well”
I wish I could tell her I want to be there for them…but idk if that’s wise.

Things to remember, it’s not all about me.
W truly believe’s this is what's best for D.
Those texts change nothing, I still don’t see either of them, I still don’t talk to them.
I am still here moving forward.

-how many more times will I (& my support system help) pick up the pieces?

Cheesyt 5

[maly]

Think you have to wait/let her hit rock bottom its hard but time is your friend,remember the saying its just a matter of time,if she is mlc this is not your wife its an alien,

[lt0402]

Cheesyt, I don't think that W is truly doing what is best for D. She may perceive it to be the best thing, but remember that her viewpoint is very skewed right now. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL though, I know you are very close with her.

I remember what your W said D was saying about you back in October. Don't believe that nonsense. You've seen my W throw out nonsense like that too. As we progress and get a better understanding of our situations we see that talk from W for what it is. Either projecting or outright lies. Please don't allow that to weigh on you, as you seem to have a good R with your D.

I know that you are feeling down and lost right now. Each of these text conversations with your W seem to sap a bit of energy from you. What is the longest you've gone NC with her for? It seems like she's taking you for granted, knowing you're there for her if she needs you. Maybe going dark changes the equation. It's a scary step, I know, especially since you're worried about losing her. But it doesn't seem like your current path is forcing your W to question her decisions. thoughts on that?

Cheesyt, I look at you and how far you've come and see this wonderful and independent person. Your W is a fool for not seeing the same. As for answering her text what would make YOU feel the most at ease? Do you feel strongly enough that D should have you in her life right now that you'd shake your W by pushing back on her? If so, then you should state your opinion. Know that W will probably shoot it down though. If not, then maybe a msg like "I can see how you're going through some difficult times right now. Please tell D I'm thinking of her" would work better. Just a thought and I'd probably wait for a vet to help more.

Know that you are not being rejected cheesyt. You have so many people in your life that are ecstatic to have you around, from your roommate to your friends at work to all of the folks here. Who cares what one crazy, off their rocker person (your W) thinks. We all know you are awesome! Hang in there cheesyt! You deserve better than this!

[maly]

These milcs seem to have it all worked out,get rid of there partners get another partner and live happy ever after ,wotever,they think the grass is greener on the other side,and there's nothing you can do to stop it,there on a mission,and if you try and stop it like I did and many do,you just end up putting your self thru hell,again you can't change them,so I say let go sap ,give them what they want,they don't want you so let them have it sap,let them fend for them self's,see how they like it when your not there for them,if I had done this 4 years ago my sitch might have been different,again you can't stop it they want change no matter what,

[fightin]

Awe, cheesyt, I wish I could pick you up and hug all your pain away. You are worth so much more than tying yourself to whatever your W is trying to make you feel. She's crazy right now, and only looking out for herself or at least what she thinks she wants for herself. It will come crashing down eventually, I truly believe that, but until then cheesyt HAS TO take care of cheesyt!

Your D is smarter than your W is giving her credit for, and chances are D sees right through whatever she's hearing about you. My SS(11) knows exactly what is going on with his mom and he's made some pretty astute observations that surprised me, but I definitely think they see more than we think they do. Your W is just using D as a way to control you.

My W has done the same thing on and off. When she feels I'm playing by her rules she's good with me having a relationship with SS, when I shut her out she tries to take that relationship with him from me. Thankfully, his dad is cool and knows that SS wants me in his life so they make that happen regardless of W's behavior. I know that unfortunately you don't have that same kind of situation. For that I am truly sorry because I know you love your D very much and want nothing more than to be there for her. I hope your W will wake up, but if she doesn't, please remember it is most certainly her loss. Her using D as a tool is out of selfishness, I seriously doubt your D wanted you to be removed from her life and I'm sure she still loves you.

Try to remember you're amazing and that you're becoming more amazing each day that you carry on! Hugs!

[maly]

Well said I agree,

[cheesyt]

Lt, your words always resonate and make me feel that much better. Thank you. I ended up replying “I’m sorry to hear about your mother” but I really liked what you suggested. W said “thanks.” not a word since…
Fightin, thanks for the virtual hug. I need all the hugs I can get recently.
Maly, thanks for chiming in I appreciate you all.

I’ve had a seriously rough week. Just as I think I can’t get “worse” or more “down” or cry more than I did the last time, it happens.

I did something I shouldn’t have done. I snooped. I hadn’t snooped, I’m not one to snoop. I saw a picture W uploaded on her Facebook of SOW W, W’s bff, and bff’s husband. W looks like she’s gained her weight back. SOW was wearing “our" sweatshirt….(W and I have this thing that anywhere we’d visit, little mountain town or big city we’d buy a hoodie sweatshirt from there so we could wear it as a souvenir type thing for us. That sweater no longer fits me, as I’ve lost so much weight It just wouldn’t look right.) They were a few hrs south of here where SOW lives. Over this weekend for W’s birthday. For someone who’s got so much going on and has a dying mother and W herself wants to be a better mother, she seems to be doing A-okay. Also discovered SOW has my D and her S as a background pic on fbook. D was wearing the sweater I gave her recently. They’re playing house…aughhhh and it just kills me all over again. I wonder If W kicked roommate out so that S can have that bedroom and moved SOW and S in. Since W and SOW should have RN jobs now. Also drives me up a wall W told me we are meant to be together BUT she’s going to continue dating SOW. I feel very selfish saying this but I don’t want W to be happy unless its with me.

I spoke to my roommate and roommate’s bf (he’s officially moving in) and they gave me their two cents. I told hem how It’s a blow to the ego, I’m not talking just looks wise, but I believe I’m a way better catch that SOW. And then They tell me I can’t compare myself to her. They’re right. RBF hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead, he’s so kind. He told me one day I’ll find a “Better” match for me. Who appreciates me. they both seem to think I put all of me out there for W and she just sh!it on it, but I believe they’re biased. RBF has “no doubt” I’ll be better off after this.

A friend told me to make it though jan and feb. that these are tough months on relationships, as you’re coming out of the holidays and many let downs. Idk though, some days, especially this past week I really feel like I can’t anymore.
My aunt also asked me how much longer did I want to suffer over this…food for thought.

On my bad days, I wish I could just get over W. I think of everything, all the bad times, things and words that have transpired over the past 10 months, and part of me wants to file for D and NEVER look back. Some days I really wish that could be the case, but I can’t. I do believe we were meant to be forever.

Do I want my W, D and MIL back? Yes.
Is it going to happen? Who knows.
Can I make it through? Yes.
Will I be a better person after all is said and done? Absolutely.

-happy Friday all.

[maly]

Cheesy we all understand she was the love of your life,and I feel the same about my wife infact I hope she ends up with nothing,and many of them do its a karma thing,heard the saying what goes around comes around,one day the tables might turn,it happens,and to be honest no matter what you do will change her infact it will probly do the opposite and make her even worse ,the best and only thing you can do is let her get on with it,its hard but it will help you heal to,think of it this way its not the end of the world and millions are going thru the same thing and worse,and in the long run you will probly be the winer in the future with a better life than her,

[maly]

The grass is not greener on the other side.   The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception.  Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand.  It’s not.  In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color.  This usually happens soon after you get caught.  You will then see that patch of land differently.  You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back.   The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.

[cheesyt]

Really missing my wife today.
Had a dream that W and I R. of course. Except this one SOW got violent. I wish I could stop dreaming of W. It’s odd. Though I don’t feel “down” today, I really really miss my w. interesting how our lives have changed, W I’m sure has a job now, I was pretty new at mine when we split, so we technically know nothing about each other’s lives. I feel as though we are strangers. So why do I miss and want my w back? She may never be my W again. Also, why would my W or any WW come back to someone they don’t really know anymore? Interesting thoughts.

Happy Monday fellow Dbusters.

[maly]

Really missing my wife today.
Had a dream that W and I R. of course. Except this one SOW got violent. I wish I could stop dreaming of W. It’s odd. Though I don’t feel “down” today, I really really miss my w. interesting how our lives have changed, W I’m sure has a job now, I was pretty new at mine when we split, so we technically know nothing about each other’s lives. I feel as though we are strangers. So why do I miss and want my w back? She may never be my W again. Also, why would my W or any WW come back to someone they don’t really know anymore? Interesting thoughts.

Happy Monday fellow Dbusters.

Try and look at it like this,if she is in mlc or a ww ,then this is not your wife,it is an alien that has been taken over,she is kinda lost,you just got to hope the wife you love comes back out of the tunnel.its not your fault,some come out and some don't,

[maly]

Really missing my wife today.
Had a dream that W and I R. of course. Except this one SOW got violent. I wish I could stop dreaming of W. It’s odd. Though I don’t feel “down” today, I really really miss my w. interesting how our lives have changed, W I’m sure has a job now, I was pretty new at mine when we split, so we technically know nothing about each other’s lives. I feel as though we are strangers. So why do I miss and want my w back? She may never be my W again. Also, why would my W or any WW come back to someone they don’t really know anymore? Interesting thoughts.

Happy Monday fellow Dbusters.

They some times come to there senses and come back,they realise the life they left behind is better,and the new life is not so great after all,but some times can't go back cos of the damage they have done on there way,the lbs can only take so much,and can go from wanting the ww wh back to not wanting them back,things change in time,time is your friend,

[cheesyt]

Had a brief conversation with w over text today. She asked if I'd gotten paperwork for taxes yet, I told her no. Then she asked if I got health insurance for this year because we got a letter from the IRS stating we would get a fine if we do t have it by a certain date, I asked her to sent a picture of letter. Said thank you, she said you're welcome and not a word since. Miss her like crazy. But as always no clear path in my mind for w to come back and recommit to our marriage.

Had a nice gal activity, after work we met up at a co workers for pizza and beer then a movie. It was really nice to just sit and watch snowboarding videos and talk. I really enjoy co worker E.G. He's a good guy. I did take notice that my "true" laugh comes out often around him. He's just such an easy fun person. I'm glad I met him.

Becoming a pretty decent friend with the new girl at work, EH. She's been needing a ride. It's nice to have girl time with her, we've gone to lunch twice and the 15 min car ride home is pretty informative. Today as a thank you she got me a drink I mentioned I really like. It's nice when people remember little comments you make. It sure feels good. It's certainly something that I thought I would struggle with in the beginning of my stitch. That no one would know what I like or how I drink my coffee haha... yeah people remember, the ones that do care, and yes it may be just a co worker that remembered but between most of my co workers, they've got my main likes down. I'm pretty blessed.

Not sure when I'll hear from my w again, maybe soon or maybe this time she will wait until I send over tax stuff. Who knows. I did fairly well in keeping it together after our brief texts. That's one thing I struggle with. A lot. Positive or negative interactions and I lose my Sh!t. I'm going to try and remind myself to not be so hard on myself. I've heard it from my ic and a couple of my coworkers / friends. I really must not.

Maly- thank you for your replies. I appreciate you checking in.

-another day in the books

[maly]

Had a brief conversation with w over text today. She asked if I'd gotten paperwork for taxes yet, I told her no. Then she asked if I got health insurance for this year because we got a letter from the IRS stating we would get a fine if we do t have it by a certain date, I asked her to sent a picture of letter. Said thank you, she said you're welcome and not a word since. Miss her like crazy. But as always no clear path in my mind for w to come back and recommit to our marriage.

Had a nice gal activity, after work we met up at a co workers for pizza and beer then a movie. It was really nice to just sit and watch snowboarding videos and talk. I really enjoy co worker E.G. He's a good guy. I did take notice that my "true" laugh comes out often around him. He's just such an easy fun person. I'm glad I met him.

Becoming a pretty decent friend with the new girl at work, EH. She's been needing a ride. It's nice to have girl time with her, we've gone to lunch twice and the 15 min car ride home is pretty informative. Today as a thank you she got me a drink I mentioned I really like. It's nice when people remember little comments you make. It sure feels good. It's certainly something that I thought I would struggle with in the beginning of my stitch. That no one would know what I like or how I drink my coffee haha... yeah people remember, the ones that do care, and yes it may be just a co worker that remembered but between most of my co workers, they've got my main likes down. I'm pretty blessed.

Not sure when I'll hear from my w again, maybe soon or maybe this time she will wait until I send over tax stuff. Who knows. I did fairly well in keeping it together after our brief texts. That's one thing I struggle with. A lot. Positive or negative interactions and I lose my Sh!t. I'm going to try and remind myself to not be so hard on myself. I've heard it from my ic and a couple of my coworkers / friends. I really must not.

Maly- thank you for your replies. I appreciate you checking in.

-another day in the books

That's the way,I'm happy for you,its good to know you are getting on with your life and having fun,getting good new friends,that's exactly what we need to do,I've been in contact with my best friend from about 25 years ago and he is coming over at the weekend I'm really looking forward to seeing him its been such a long time,we will get there in the end cheesy,to a place where we are happy and having fun in our lifes,

[bsb]

Just catching up on your thread. Looks like you are trying to do all the right things! Keep busy and getting on with your life!! Day by day!!

[maly]

Just catching up on your thread. Looks like you are trying to do all the right things! Keep busy and getting on with your life!! Day by day!!

Hi bsb yep I'm getting there slowly its tuff but I'm feeling better each day,time is our best friend ,

[cheesyt]

I mailed a personalized book I made / ordered for D10, since W said I couldn’t see D. W got it on Friday. Inside the package I wrote “please give this to D on my behalf –Cheesy" Not a word. Not a thank you (not that I expected one) not a “got the package” which I guess I did expect. Not a word. D also has a phone, I guess I expected her to shoot a text, or a call. Anything. I did expect something from D. I expected W to tell D, hey shoot a thank you text. Or something.

Exchanged a few normal decent words with W on Monday. My phone broke and since she’s got all the log in info, I asked If I could upgrade, then we chatted about phones for no more than 10 texts each. Nothing crazyy….just super normal.

I guess what upsets me is that D got turned on me, either by her own will or trying to please W.
Mainly, W is doing this for “D”. But the more it’s ok to “dislike cheesy” the more W keeps doing this against us. I don’t even know if what I’m typing makes sense.

Started my half marathon training. Again. Got injured last time. Also signed up for a 10k that lands perfectly on one of my training days. It’s pretty much keeping me going for now. The half marathon lands almost to the day o me moving out. It’ll be a nice little celebration, and accomplishment I think. More of like, wow I made it a year I guess. Not sure my mind is spinning.

I shouldn’t have checked if she received the package.

[hawker]

I'm guessing she didn't tell ur D since she's doing "this" whatever "this" is for D....your W is still in the selfish mode so why would she text you thanks, its all about her...she wants what she wants when she wants it...

That is my thoughts anyhow... :-)

Good luck on training for the 1/2...I did it once, it was a good experience but I don't think I ever would want to do another. HA

[maly]

I mailed a personalized book I made / ordered for D10, since W said I couldn’t see D. W got it on Friday. Inside the package I wrote “please give this to D on my behalf –Cheesy" Not a word. Not a thank you (not that I expected one) not a “got the package” which I guess I did expect. Not a word. D also has a phone, I guess I expected her to shoot a text, or a call. Anything. I did expect something from D. I expected W to tell D, hey shoot a thank you text. Or something.

Exchanged a few normal decent words with W on Monday. My phone broke and since she’s got all the log in info, I asked If I could upgrade, then we chatted about phones for no more than 10 texts each. Nothing crazyy….just super normal.

I guess what upsets me is that D got turned on me, either by her own will or trying to please W.
Mainly, W is doing this for “D”. But the more it’s ok to “dislike cheesy” the more W keeps doing this against us. I don’t even know if what I’m typing makes sense.

Started my half marathon training. Again. Got injured last time. Also signed up for a 10k that lands perfectly on one of my training days. It’s pretty much keeping me going for now. The half marathon lands almost to the day o me moving out. It’ll be a nice little celebration, and accomplishment I think. More of like, wow I made it a year I guess. Not sure my mind is spinning.

I shouldn’t have checked if she received the package.

They do this,it is normal part of mlc,you see your mister bad guy,so they try and turn your kids on you against you they blame you for everything that's how it is,so I know its not nice my daughter did not even get me a birthday card a few weeks ago,just try and man up,don't take any notice,mums nearly allways come first that's how it is,that's the trouble with mlcs it usually breaks the whole family,not much you can do,you have to just sit back and watch the family fall apart,

[maly]

The affair op, most will eventually regret this decision.  In the heat of the moment, appears to make sense.  It feels good and sometimes even feels right.  Feelings are deceitful.  Soon afterward, ther eyes will be opened and they will regret that they ever partook of the forbidden fruit.   Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives?   Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything they have worked so hard to build?  ther home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.

[maly]

The affair op, most will eventually regret this decision.  In the heat of the moment, appears to make sense.  It feels good and sometimes even feels right.  Feelings are deceitful.  Soon afterward, ther eyes will be opened and they will regret that they ever partook of the forbidden fruit.   Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives?   Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything they have worked so hard to build?  ther home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.

I put this info in,cos if your spouse is in mlc,there will be some kind of affair op involved at some point if not all ready,with out your very lucky and it does not happen,

[lt0402]

Cheesyt, I agree with Hawk. It's very possible your W didn't give the gift to your D. I would be hesitant to read into this that your D is against you now.

You say your D has a phone? Have you talked to her on text since you last saw her? You could always send her a text saying "hope you enjoyed the book I sent!" Just a thought. My D is about the same age and she loves it when I send her cute cat memes. Maybe even opening a dialogue with D by sending cute/funny pictures might help.

That's awesome news on the 1/2 marathon. I've thought about doing that but it kills my knees running on pavement. I tend to stick to trail running and the treadmill. We do need to get a tough mudder team together though!

Keep being strong cheesyt. You are doing right by yourself and you should be proud!

[cheesyt]

Small update. Yesterday I got an iPhone calendar invite from my W for our D’s parent teacher conference in a couple of weeks. After my head stopped spinning I replied with -thank you for the invite is there anything I should know before I meet you there?
W- it was an accident.
W- I cancelled the invite
W- sorry
First of all, that’s bs cus if any of you have an iPhone you’ll know to send a calendar invite it takes a few clicks and stuff to send it to a specific person. I never replied. Nothing to say, can’t say “ok” cus its not ok. I don’t accept her “sorry”. Well I didn’t loose my sh!t. I reminded myself that nothing changes and brushed it off. Second, she never cancelled my invite, you get a notification the other person cancelled it. Not that it matters.
Later that night W forwarded me an email from the animal hospital our cat used to go to, it’s a happy birthday email for the cat. I know his birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. Anyway I didn’t reply. Nothing to say. I’m just over this crap. I miss and I would love to have her recommit to our M and work on us. I don’t see that happening.

The more time that passes the happier I am alone. I’m enjoying my late 20s. I signed up for a 10k in a couple weeks, it happens to land on my 10k training day for my half so its perfect. Training for my half is going really well. 2nd week is almost over. Every time I get out there I am reminded of how strong and how far I’ve come. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.
Had an “I love this” moment last weekend. RBF was cooking and watching our girls, Roommate and myself had just come back from a run and it was so homey. I was filled with joy. I pointed it out to them and thanked them for their continued love and support. Doing many things as a “family” had a couple of movie nights since one of the girls was sick. Birthday party of one of the little ones. Dinners and breakfast’s as always. On the co worker side, loving my co workers. Hang out with them, a beer here or there. Snowboarding videos and just relaxing.

-I really like who I’m becoming.

[JRuss]

That's narcissistic abuse, the sending the invite, which could only be taken as the sort of invite back into D's life you've wanted so badly, then, when your respond, telling you it was a mistake, which, as you point out, isn't remotely plausible. I'm so glad you didn't let it get to you. It is so great you're doing so well. Do you see that it's because of all of the great things you're doing for you that her games didn't pull you down to a dark place, like they did?

Unfortunately, you should anticipate more stuff like this. But you're where you need to be to let it just wash over you.

Great job.

[BluWave]

So I have made this same mistake. Twice. When I attempted to add an event from my email to my calendar on my iPhone, it invited everyone in a group. I honestly don't know how it happened. People, even waywards, do make mistakes.

So was that "narcissistic abuse?" I honestly don't even know what that means. Inconsiderate of her? Perhaps. But I don't think it helps you to view it that way, as villainizing the wayward only adds to your own sting. Blaming them for our own hurt also empowers them further hurt us and thus disempowers us. No more of that. Take your power back!

Let her do and say as she will--you can't control her--but you can decide how much you let it affect you moving forward.

Cheesy, I am glad to hear that you like who you are becoming and enjoy time with your chosen family. That is wonderful news. I think this is how detachment starts. It's those first step of focusing on ourselves, on other Rs, and allowing ourselves to put them on the back burner for a bit. And then you can increase the time she sits back, longer and longer .... It will get better in time.

Hugs,
Blu

[fightin]

Hi Cheesyt!

I will admit that my first thought was mind games, but Blu makes valid points and I was just projecting from my own experiences. Blu is of course correct, you can't control her, but taking control of how you react makes all the difference.

I echo others' sentiment: I'm glad you have this wonderful family and support system. Keep your head up, stay strong, and continue to love yourself and who you are becoming.

[JRuss]

Yeah, I just don't find that explanation plausible in this case, at all, especially with all of the game playing this woman has done with her phone in the past and her apparently pressing need to keep putting cheesy through the pursuit/distance wringer. Guess I'm too cynical and will bow out. Sorry to have derailed things.

[cheesyt]

JRuss, I’m totally with you. Especially since my W constantly uses her iPhone calendar, I find it very hard to believe she invited me on accident. You’re right, I didn’t get sucked into a downward spiral because of all the great things going on in my life. It’s a great feeling. However I am cautious, is this happiness too good to be true? I don’t see your reply as cynical, more like… we know these women and we unfortunately know what they’re capable of now. I appreciate your feedback!!!!

Blu, thank you for your input. While I do see someone making a mistake, I have very big doubts of my W. Yes, I cannot control her. I won’t let her drag me into these silly and pointless game playing texts. I can see your point in this is how detachment starts. It’s a great feeling. Especially because from what you said, and what Jruss pointed out, that I wasn’t sucked into a downward spiral because of all the great things going on in my life and my support system. Which you are all included in of course!

Fighting, thank you for dropping by, I’m going to gander at your thread. And thank you for the words of encouragement!

Quick update, no word from the WW. I think we last texted briefly on Thursday, W needed my school tax forms and told me to get it from my Had a great weekend, though the wrong team won the Super Bowl I had a good time. I continue to push forward and its a great feeling. I feel happy, genuinely happy. My confidence, my school, my running, my support system, everything in my life is where it needs to be. Still the same question rattles my brain. WHY do I still miss my W like crazy? Why do I still want her back? Will more time be the cure to this?

Happy Tuesday everyone!

[cheesyt]

It just dawned on me that I have not seen my wife since Nov 12…
Crazy. it’s been 3 months yesterday. We haven’t had a solid conversation other than “business” and her telling me I cannot see my D. I haven’t seen my D since Nov 05 at her soccer game.
I am Fbook friends with a few of my D’s neighborhood friends. There’s 3 other girls age 11/12 (My D is the youngest at 10) And a few boys, they all live within 3 blocks of our home. They always hung out together. We (my w and I) drove them to places, the reason I was so into this was because My mother drove my friends and I everywhere. It helps to know the kids your child is around & I don’t trust anyone else to get my D from point A to point B. I really enjoyed it, a bunch of 11 year olds are a riot. At any rate, one of the girls went “live” on Facebook. I clicked to watch, hoping to catch my D there, the friend said “hi cheesyt” I waited till realized D was not there and I clicked out. Was hoping to see my D. but then after I thought if my W caught wind of this she would surely call me out and find a reason why this isn’t ok and would ultimately create issues.
I was pretty certain W would reach out today, just feels as though she never quite makes it 2 weeks without reaching out for some reason. Two weeks is thursday. I was wrong.

At the same time, I’m getting more and more used to the thought of Filing for D. I have told myself that I will file at the year. The year is quickly approaching. I have filled out a couple of the pages. I have everything I need. I am mentally preparing. And emotionally. I feel ok with this decision, but I know this can change at the drop of a hat.

-Really enjoying / loving my life!

[lt0402]

-Really enjoying / loving my life!

Cheesyt, this is awesome! You have so many people around you who love you that this should absolutely be where you are. You're an amazing person and this loving life is what you deserve!

I am sorry you've not been able to see your D though. I know that has to be especially tough. I'm not sure how to approach that aspect of this without approaching your W. what if you were to send her another package or even a text just saying hello? Just a thought.

Proud of you cheesyt. You are on a good path!

[lt0402]

Sorry, that should have read another package ot text to your D, not your W.

Definitely not to your W....bleh

On a side note, how's the running coming along? I've been running a lot since the start of this thing but have trouble getting past about the 5 mile mark. Think I'm not fueling myself up well prior to my runs. Sounds like you've got it down though!!!

[cheesyt]

My W texted yesterday “taxes are filed.” I replied with “great, please email copy” surprise surprise no email. This really ticks me off. Last time I saw her in Nov, I told her I needed taxes from last year for some school stuff and she quickly jumped on the desktop to delete files and told me she’d email them to me. (she knows I need them for school, she even expressed some frustration that the school hasn’t gotten it together) So I agreed. Stupid. Well I logged into the IRS website and I can get copies there. However, I don’t understand why in the world she would ignore my request, its NOT that hard. Hit email. I don’t get why. That’s a jerk-ish move. We never talk and then she pulls this crap. It’s annoying and I’m done with her sh!t. For someone who claims I’m the love of her life, she’s got a screwed way of showing it. At any rate, I’m not going to text her to ask for it. I won’t show frustration, just go about my way and figure things out myself. I don’t need her. And frankly, this crappy person, I don’t want her either. I’m starting to have thoughts along the lines of “I hope she has a really crappy Vday” I don’t like them, for my sake, but I do catch myself thinking things along those lines quite frequently.

LT, thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I truly appreciate you swinging by my thread. Running is going really well. I have a 10k race this Saturday. Trying to figure out what I’ll do with my car keys, since I won’t have anyone with me. (first time for everything) Anyway, I’m on track to shave off 10mins from my last 10k. & I'm well on my way to my half marathon this April. It [censored] not seeing my D but I think like everything, time heals all wounds. I’m preparing my self to mail out a box of the last of her things. I had a pj we bought for her for when she came to spend the night at my place. Only happened twice though. And a couple other gifts I got her in Mexico. Along with some letters I wrote to her when her Birth father wouldn’t let me talk to her either. In hindsight, I should’ve known my W would eventually keep D from me, since she was OK with Birth father keeping her from me. That should’ve told me everything I needed to know, but as always one is hopeful. I think reaching out to D is not wise. I fear I will get emotionally sucked back into the roller coaster. And frankly, I’m quite ok with out them. I hope D is truly doing better. D has some major issues, I hope W has put her in IC for D’s sake. I would like to think that D is no longer having a hard time with my absence (D’s teacher last year was the only non-biased person that really gave me insight to how hard it had been on D)But I don’t think I’ll never know, as I don’t see my W admitting other wise, and I don’t see a future with them.

About it for my side of the screen. In a good place. Trying to keep negative thoughts out of my head, such as wishing my W not well, and thinking I’m doing too well and waiting for the other shoe to drop again. On my head.

Happy hump day.

[lt0402]

In a good place. Trying to keep negative thoughts out of my head, such as wishing my W not well, and thinking I’m doing too well and waiting for the other shoe to drop again. On my head.

No expectations. Just keep that in the back of your mind and go on w/ making cheesyt into an even better version of yourself! I am really sorry about the situation w/ your D. It truly does suck, but you are approaching it the right way cheesy. Push forward and let the chips fall where they may.

One thing I have seen and continue to see with you is that you continue to make an amazing life for yourself! Even as you've struggled (as we all have), you've kept moving forward and that seems like the key to getting out the other side of this thing. You're a strong and good person cheesyt. You don't deserve this, but be proud of how you're handling and facing it. Keep up the great work my friend!

[cheesyt]

Not as detached as I hoped I was. Got texts from wife this morning. Business like, taxes, cell phone. And told me to finish changing my bills out of the joint act, as she wants it closed after our taxes get deposited. Then W texted “If I file for divorce are you going to draw it out? Or do you think we can just agree on it?”
I think a little part of me died a little. Again. I know I’ve been thinking about D, I know a piece of paper will not change my life, or what I have going on in my life. I know this. However I cannot help but feel…scared, Or hurt that My wife has got to be happy with SOW to want to D me. I loved her so much. I still do. I know there was no doubt in her mind how much I loved her. So it hurts that I couldn’t be the one she was happy with.
I replied with “ I don’t want to divorce you. I still love you and D10. But if that’s what you want, I won’t fight it.” W has not replied. I hope she doesn’t. I just don't want to talk about it. If W wants this D she needs to file and I will deal with it tuff is getting real I guess.
Time to make sure I have a belt for my big girl pants. It’s like all the failures and all the hopes and dreams of our Marriage are re-shattered. I don’t know. Trying to keep it together. Nothing will change after D. W and I will continue to live separate lives, and will not communicate. Nothing changes for cheesy.
And then I think back to nov, when I last saw my wife. And how for the following week until thanksgiving she was remorseful and even asked if we could try counseling. Where in the world did those thoughts go?! I really thought we would work it out.

-Sad, hurt, but I know I’ll be ok.

[lt0402]

Don't listen to her cheesyt. She hasn't filed for D yet, which in and of itself says something. Even if she does, you've come a long way and continue to be an amazing person. Your W truly is the "fool" of which we all speak, for not seeing this wonderful person she is leaving.

I completely get that you're scared right now. Even with the brutal nature of my W's feelings towards me, I still recognize that I've got some fear beneath the surface. Fear of how my D will grow up in a split household, fear of how my W's life will end up, fear of how I will do alone if it comes to that. I know that fear, I think we all do. You aren't alone in it.

I'd be hesitant to assume your W is happy with SOW. She may or may not be. Not something you can control, nor should you dwell on it. Nothing but unhealthy stuff down that path. I do like your response to your W, but I'd cut it off there if she does respond. Don't respond back to it. Unsure of when the last time you talked to her was, but it's possible it could be temp checking. Who knows. Regardless, it's probably better for you not to get pulled into a R talk, as you know where that'll go.

I know that you'll be ok cheesy. You have some many positive things in your life. So many people that care about you. If your W is too blind to see how awesome you are, then she doesn't deserve having you in her life anyway. You are right, you will be ok and you will be happy again cheesy. Stay strong and true to yourself. You rock!

[hawker]

I agree with LT....who knows why she asked that since she has asked it in the past and didn't do anything. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. You have been doing great with working on you and you have actually been happy with your new little family!

I get the fear, I was scared all the time about what if she does follow through with the D...what am I going to do without her? What I have learned is that we cannot count on other people to make us happy, we will be let down everytime. We have to love ourselves and be okay with ourselves.

I saw a Instagram post that said "You're gonna be happy," said life, "but first I'll make you strong."

Hang in there and try not to "worry" about what she will or will not do...you can only control yourself!

[cheesyt]

Wife never replied. Thankfuly. I don't know that I could've read another D text. Kind of just waiting here to get served with D papers. Not looking forward to that but I can at least attempt to mentally prepare.

LT, thanks man. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. Yeah, trying not to dwell on if my W is happy. though my thought is if she isn't happy why isn't she back / working on our R? so my only logical response is, she's gotta be happier there than with me. Which is a major blow.

Hawk, working on not worrying about her. easier said than done as I'm sure you're aware.

-hanging in here

[fightin]

Cheesyt, sorry to hear about the D text, I know how deep that cuts even if just the day before you were expecting it it suddenly becomes more real in that moment.

I second what others have stated. You can't control your W and you can't lean on her for your own happiness. Like hawk said, we'll be let down every time if we put our happiness in someone else's hands. Easier said than done when you love someone though, I know.

Obviously all I know about you is from this forum, but what I do know is that you're a very kind-hearted person that loves with all she's got. That's an amazing quality and your W is indeed the "fool" as lt put it for leaving someone willing and able to give so much of themselves to their partner.

It [censored] that anyone is going through this, but you're a wonderful person and only getting better each day. You'll come through this all the better no matter how it shakes out. Stay strong. I'm glad you have such a great support system there with you!

[hawker]

Ditto to what fightin said....you are obviously a kind and generous person with a kind heart!!! Hang in there cheesy!!! (((hugs))

[cheesyt]

LIVID. i am so mad. W transferred out money for her half of taxes. Also there was a transfer of some money, well today, now that everything's been transferred out, i can see what the transfers are titled. one is "half of Divorce filing fee" are you freaking kidding me??!?!?! not only does she take EVERYTHING and then she wants me to pay for a divorce I DO NOT WANT!

what is wrong with this woman.

I am pissed. I emailed her Wife, I did not authorize you to take any $$$ out from my part of taxes, especially not for a D filing fee in the sum of $$$$.$$ This is something you want, therefore it is your responsibility to file on your own. When I receive the paperwork I will be responsible to respond and pay my portion of fees.

thank you,
cheesy.

that's my signature on all my emails though.

at first i was sad, got teary eyed. my heart started racing, when i opened up the account and saw the title of the transfer, then and now i am just beyond mad. How dare she kick me out of MY home, with nothing but the clothes on my back and my car, she took OUR money out, (just went through statements, the money she used to pay the mortgage after she asked me to leave came from last years taxes), she took out a CD, (to help pay for mortgage after me) she kept EVERYTHING. this woman stripped me of EVERYTHING. I had to struggle and get to where i am on MY OWN. because the person I trusted whole heatedly, the person who VOWED to be by my side took it all.

I hope STBXW does not reply. it'll only make me more mad.

happy friday everyone.

[BluWave]

Oh Cheesy, I am so sorry. This is terribly painful. Of course you are angry! She is being incredibly hurtful and selfish. Hold on to your heart right now and up the ante on self care.

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping communication short and cordial. She doesn't deserve to see your vulnerabilities and pain--save that for your safe poeple and keep venting here. Also, if a legal battle is starting, don't give her any stones to throw at you. Keep documenting, as you are, to protect yourself.

I want to leave you with something new to think about. You talk a lot about how much you love her and miss her. Can you truly love someone that can treat you this way? Do you not deserve better? If not, then ask yourself why? Only YOU can asnwe these questions, not us. Even if this isn't who you married, this unfortunately IS who she is right now. So allow your hurt and anger to facilitate detachment. This process starts when you can say to yourself, "I am important, worthy of love and respect, and I deserve that from a partner."

So what do you do now? You treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. It is that simple. You GAL, 180, and DB your heart out. not for her--put her on the back shelf right now--but because Cheesy needs to find herself again. Over time, you will become the new and improved Cheesy that you would not have become if you stayed in this M. This is the silver lining for us all.

It has been years past for me, and no I didn't D, but I finally feel this happening. It's so liberating and incredible to realize that you only need yourself.

Hugs!
Blu

[Vanilla]

Cheesyt

This is entitled stuff by your WW. In her eyes in is her right to claim half.

I would ask though are your accounts and Fins safe? The Giggalo pulled all sorts of tricks after he left, nothing, nothing surprises me about those with entitlement.

The D phase with an entitled spouse is really tough. Stay calm, if you get angry please let that be white anger so it is with direction.

Frankly I would ask for the cash she took and if you ever owe her any cash then ensure you get it back by deduction.

I wish you peace and calm, I know that you are level headed and think carefully before you act so I am sure you will act with kin dress to yourself.

Breathe dear heart

V

[cheesyt]

The road to the big D is on its way. Received email from W this morning. Asking what time I’d like to meet her on march 1 to sign paperwork she filled for D process. I told her my understanding was that I have to be served and that I am not signing anything unless I have a moment to look over it. To which she replied with 3 options. And telling me that she basically suggests I take 1 or 2, of meeting to have her serve me and I can take the paperwork to look over, or we file jointly. Option 3 was she serves me. She quoted one of my texts, that I love her and D10 and that I wouldn’t fight divorce. I replied with you’re right I don’t want D, I will not file jointly. Option 3 it is. I don’t like that she’s still putting rules, and making me do things. Or trying to. Everything on her time. No. I’m important too. I can’t just drop my life to go meet her on Wednesday because all of a sudden she decided she’s going to file.

I also texted her telling her I’ve contacted the cellphone company to authorize her to take her lines, and told her to take them. I don’t need her seeing who I’m calling (lawyers) from what I understand, we both called the same lawyer to retain him. I called last week, no one called me back so I called again they took my information down, set up and appointment they asked for my W’s info. Then they called me back about 5 min later saying there was a conflict of interest and that no one in the firm could take my case. GREAT. The whole city and we pick the same one. Settled on a lawyer who told me not meet with her, not to sing anything, wait to get served then bring the paperwork to him and see where we land. He think’s best case scenario she might offer some $ from the marital property. Worst case she offers nothing and we have to “fight” for it. In which case he said he can get aggressive if he needs to. Which I very much like.

It feels so real. This is not ideal. I keep thinking this is a dream, that my Wife will all of a sudden appear. That she will show up at my house, or call me crying and wanting to work it out. I must wrap my head around, that’s not going to happen. On the same note, I hope she’s really pissed that I am not doing things her way. My good friend told me to brace myself, that she’s most likely going to project all her anger and frustration that surround her life currently, such as MIL being sick, SOW, and any issues with D10 and D10’s Birth Father, anything and everything basically.

Blu,
I’m doing my best. Somedays I feel my best is not good enough. I will keep focusing on me and self care. I feel fragile & broken. To answer your questions, Can you truly love someone that can treat you this way? Do you not deserve better? I can’t and do not love her for treating me this way. I do deserve better. I do however love the happy person I was married to. I love who we were, who we will never be again.

V – You are correct, she feels entitled. I had not thought of it in that sense. I can sense already this D is going to be tough. It has yet to start and I already feel defeated. Thank you. Sometimes I don’t remember to be kind to myself.

Gotta keep reminding myself, this woman is not my wife. This woman is looking out only for herself.

I must look out for me. I only have myself.

[cheesyt]

Well, I have been thinking, ALOT. I also continue reminding myself the Woman I loved and married is no longer. I am reminded everyday of this stranger that is legally my Wife. However I do not like her, at all. I am ready to move on. I am ready to get the Divorce paperwork. I asked STBXW to take her cell phone lines by yesterday, no response. This morning I called cell phone company and applied a verbal password, blocked all internet access, removed her name and email from any association. I didn’t tell her though, there’s no need to communicate, I asked her to take her lines, she didn’t. The next step is suspending her line. I will do that Monday If she’s still on my account. I will give her the weekend to figure stuff out.

The other day after my please get off the cell phone bill, STBXW sent me a text that she was on her way to the bank to close the joint bank account because she could no longer be “responsible” and wanted no association with it. We used to both work at a bank and I had a couple of charges pending (coffee and stuff) so I knew she could not close it. As did she. I believe her account text was just to get on my nerves or something. I didn’t react. Just ignored. No skin off my back.

I was talking to my coworker who’s been an amazing support, he reminded me of how stbxw acted out when she was not in control in the beginning. As well as now. She’s kind of a jerk. I didn’t expect a thank you or a cookie for allowing taxes jointly, or even keeping her cell this long (not paying, just allowing the same plan) but geez, how does one go through life just taking and taking from others? Ungrateful. It’s unbelievable. Also a friend told me it shows stbxw’s true character and she pointed out acting like a jerk back won’t get me closer to my previous goal (softening my W’s heart) but being nice wont either. So I do things, like filing taxes to help her because I want to. I changed my passwords because I want to. I cancelled her cable because I wanted off the bills. Not because I was mad, or because I was trying to retaliate, I did things because they make me feel better. Less stressed. Though, I know in stbxw's eyes, I’m being a jerk. At this point it’s not my responsibility to make her life easier, or harder, or really care about it. Her circus, her monkeys.

I also filled out paperwork to change my beneficiaries from my insurance. As well as the EFT account to my Sole checking. I felt really good. I am ready to get the divorce paperwork. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I want to move on.

This current woman is not the one for me. I do not like her, trust her, or have any positive feelings toward her. That woman is a stranger.
The woman I married, loved, shared 6 beautiful years with and a child with is long gone. Left for her nursing school trip and NEVER returned. This is MY reality.


-Better day’s are on the horizon.

[fightin]

So proud of you! I know it hasn't been an easy journey and I know it will still continue to be difficult from time to time. I'm just so glad to see you putting yourself first.

D doesn't mean your W can't ever return and that you can't ever reconcile. At this point it just means you're old M is done so to see you accept that and see the change of tone in your post to cheesty demanding the respect she deserves and detaching is great!

[Coly23]

Hey Cheesy, sorry W is being so insensitive and has started D, you really don't deserve to be treated this way.

Just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know we are here for you.

(((Cheesy)))

[lt0402]

Yes we are here for you. Cheesyt I'm sorry it's been so brutal with your W. hope you are doing well right now. Hang in there!

[NYGal]

Stay strong Cheesyt

[cheesyt]

Well, the eager crazy woman that wanted me to sign D papers has gone MIA. I haven’t heard from her in 3 weeks today. Have not gotten served with D papers. And That’s the longest we’ve gone without communication. I also deleted my social media accounts so she could stop checking up on me. I’ve gone completely dark, and thought I’ve had some 3 great weeks…. Yesterday I was doing some clean up and I found a Sudoku book,I was about to trash it but I opened it, well there was a note on the cover from my W. a sweet little note from I don't know when, she didn’t write a date. That made me start thinking of all the good times and of course we all know what comes next. Sadness, regret, tears, pain, hurt. things we all know too well. I guess I’m still trying to reel in from that. I’m tired, I couldn’t sleep, so these don’t help. I’ve got a ton of work, stressing out slightly over that. So I know all these circumstances play into the heightened emotion I feel. But I need to keep it together. Also some thongs that crossed my mind yesterday, when will I stop wanting my W back (this usually only happens when I think happy thoughts) but when will that cease? When will I be able to think back “ok we had a good run” and not lose my mind? With that, I feel as though I’m just going with life pretending she didn’t exist. Is this healthy? I don't know.. Also, a year ago tomorrow my W left for her nursing trip and never returned. It’s been a year since I lost my wife. Almost a year since BD. BD happened shortly after she came back from her trip.

On my personal life, I’ve been really busy juggling work, running, school and friends. I booked a trip to Mexico. My aunt and I are going across Mexico for about a week and visiting some cities / ruins. It should be fun. I am truly enjoying my friends. With each day that passes I feel a stronger connection to each of them. It’s really nice. I spoke to a friend that’s having issues with her bf. Some things that came up were, how he was being a jerk and ruined her day. Also she asked when is enough enough? I told her she’s responsible for her own happiness, that no one can make her happy but herself. That even though it’s hard we mustn't let someone else's issues become or ruin our day. I also told her no one can tell her when enough is enough, she needs to decide that for herself. She said I had good advice, and that made me feel good. And I noticed I threw in some validation. Ahhhh the magical things we learn!

that’s it. I’m feeling better just by writing these thoughts out.

-Happy Monday!

[Vanilla]

Cheesy

Checking in.

Re the book with the trigger note: Use as toilet paper, pee on it, poke it, spit on it, toilet brush it then flush

Then laugh like the drain.

Love your NC strategy, you are getting to be a master at it.

[cheesyt]

V,
perhaps one day I will use it as toilet paper. For now, I stored it in a box of memories.

On a lighter, brighter maybe a bit confusing note, I was texting / joking with a friend, this friend said I was still legally married, it actually took me a second or two to reel it in and say to myself "oh yeahhhh I forgot I was still married"

guess that's good? I don't know, still feel a bit all over the place but I'll take what I can get.

hump day!!!!

[cheesyt]

Got served with Divorce papers this morning. I got a call from the receptionist, and I knew. the sheriff was waiting in the lobby, i said hello and extended my hand out. he chuckled and said "oh you were expecting this" I said "of course" and he handed the paperwork to me. I said thanks so much, he said bye and i walked back upstairs to my office. I was shaky at first. I felt mixed emotions. But came to some senses after talking it out, and reminding myself of the, the lying, cheating, and stealing she's done. I know this is what's best for ME. I have to respond, in which I’ll ask for my share of the equity in the home. We have a case hearing in may. I will have to ponder if I will show up or let my lawyer show up for me. I read the paperwork, STBXW is being self represented. She was kind enough to say I would be self represented, (wishful thinking perhaps?)

I feel good. I truly believe I’m ready to move forward and close this 6/7 year chapter in my book.
I am truly saddened and hurt that my kind, loving, caring wife disappeared. Never to come back.
However, I am happy to be riding myself of this negative, lying, crazy woman I am legally married to.

Out of mind, out of sight.

[doodler]

Got served with Divorce papers this morning.

cheesyt,

I'm sorry about that. My lawyer was the recipient of the divorce papers from my wife (now XW), but when I got the email from my lawyer, it still had some bite to it. I'm glad those days are over. Good luck to you as you move forward.

[hawker]

Sounds like you are taking this well. I am glad for that....you are a strong person and you have made a lot of changes to better yourself. You have a good support system and it's obvious what a great person you are....your W is a fool but you are right she is no longer the same person you married. (((Hugs)))). Keep posting we are here for you.

[Vanilla]

Big hugs

V

[lt0402]

Your W is out of her mind cheesyt. She has no clue the wonderful person she's pushing out of her life. You should be nothing but proud of the changes you've made and the life you've rebuilt for yourself. Never doubt that you are an amazing and strong person!

Know this has to be rough, but we are here for you. Stay strong cheesy!

[cheesyt]

Was down most of the weekend. Just going through the motions of ok this is happening. I re activated my Facebook because a co worker said she’d tagged me in something to do on my vacation coming up. I logged back in and pulled up my wife. Sure enough we are still friends. I went through and deleted her, mil, bil, every single one of her friends. The only mutual friends we have now are MY family and MY friends. I am kind of mad, she gives me divorce papers but still wants to stay friends on social media? For what? To keep tabs on me? I’m very mad. You don’t get to turn my life upside down, treat me like dirt and then still keep some sort of “friendship” that’s bull!!!!!! I also saw she changed her profile picture. she’s still trying very hard to look “good” where she can’t take a normal picture without tilting her face a certain way so she looks “skinny” it’s annoying, because she never worried about that before. She looks how she looks and its ok. (for me at least) Also updated her whatever picture, its all her “family” with the SOW’s son in the pic. No SOW, guessing she’s taking the pic. I guess Wife had to explain who that manly woman was when she introduced them to the family. Part of me wanted to keep her on my friends list, just to rub it in her face, let her know I’m doing good too. Since I’ve stopped updating anything. But what will that gain me? Nothing. I’d be reacting to her. So that’s why I decided to cut it now.

I’m more mad at myself. I spent all weekend in this funk. Sad, hurt, crying, for what? for a strange woman who jumps from relationship to relationship without care in the world of the hurt or consequences. I see her picture and it’s not her…it’s a strange feeling. I am having a hard time separating these two people. The woman I married and this person. It’s what gets me. I think my Wife is still in there. It’s hard to mourn her when she’s physically still there. I want this Divorce to end already, part of me think’s it’s cus I’m trying to run from it. And perhaps I am? But at the same time the sooner it’s over, the sooner I can move on with my life. Idk. It’s almost as if I want to erase her from my mind, but I don’t think that’s healthy…
Some questions that popped into my head over the weekend,
When / will I ever stop missing my wife?
How long until the pain and hurt of a failed marriage go away?
Also, from what I remember, didn’t the book say it took like a year before they came out of the fog? I guess I have no clue, other than from the weird looking pics and her back and forth that my w is still in a fog. But like…it’s been a year…and nothing. I know it’s over…so when will I feel better?

Thanks doodler, hawk, V, LT. I know you guys are here for me and I truly appreciate it. I’m going to get through this and I am going to be okay.

I’ve been lacking in the galing. I’ve been falling into my patterns of staying home most of the day, working and running, and that’s it. Occasional going out with friends, nothing crazy. I decided I need to get back out there, my goal is to do one meet up a week again. It helps that winter is kind of over here so the hiking and outdoor meet ups are in full swing. Also my softball team is getting together soon for the new season. Excited for that. I really enjoy that.

I think mad is a good place to be at, for my sanity toward stbxw.

Thanks everyone.

[Vanilla]

Cheesy

This sadness is bang on cue. It happens to all of us, absolutely totally normal. Not good as it comes with triggers.

There years in from BD and bang back it comes in a different guise to me.

I am always pleased when I see triggers creating action and the processing of emotion. I know recovery is slow for you, I read that you are determined that with WW it would have to be a reborn R. I also understand the stranger within concept as if a demon has possessed them. The one thing I have noticed is how the waywardness ages the wayward. Physically they become unrecognisable.

That makes it easier to loose the attraction. Waywardness is unattractive and hardens the facial features. No amount of posing disguises it.

You are doing great Cheesy.

V

[cheesyt]

When I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse. I’ve had the worst night I’ve had ever. I had bad nights, especially when this whole thing started. But last night topped them all. No sleep, I feel sick, I wanted to throw up my whole body aches. It didn’t help I looked at her old fbook posts. They were all with me tagged, “i’m so thankful for cheesy” “happy birthday love” and some “I’m so spoiled” and we did this and that and I’m so happy. I mean…endless posts, 6 years worth of them. Just happy remainders of a happy marriage. How could she possibly re write our history?! It’s insane. For a while I thought she was right, though rationally I knew it was a lie. But seeing those kind of confirms it. I guess.. I finally fell asleep around 1am. Woke up around 330 and couldn’t fall asleep so finally at 4 am I went to the couch and turned on some netflix. My mind just wouldn’t stop. The limbo is over. Divorce is imminent. Nothing I can do or say will stop this. This is it.

I also had plenty of time to think what are some of the things / qualities I miss. Mainly, laughing so much before bed with W. some nights we just couldn’t stop laughing. She listened to everything, and though I have a great friends sometimes I feel like they don’t necessarily care to listen to what I have to say. Whereas my wife, well she’s my wife, she signed up to listen to all my nonsense. Also something I keep saying I miss are hugs, It dawned on me last night 80% of my hugs were from my D. My D would ALWAYS hug me / wife. Sometimes she’d just run inside to get water and would walk up to us and say “I love you” give us a hug and kiss and go back to her friends. I feel better writing this out. But I really really miss them. With every fiber of my being. I can feel it all over my body, it almost aches when I miss them. Idk. Its weird.

W sent me a calendar invite for D’s dentist appointment yesterday afternoon. I didn’t confirm or reach out, I know she’d say it was an “accident” again. I just ignored. It’s Bull. But I would like to think it was to get some sort of reaction out of me. Or for me to reach out. Which I didn’t. We haven’t talked in over a month. Longest we’ve gone. Perhaps that played a part in last nights personal struggle. Idk though.

I hope I don’t have many more of these nights, I’m exhausted. Hopefully though I’ll be so tired tonight I’ll sleep well.

[Dawgs]

It didn’t help I looked at her old fbook posts.

First and foremost, delete her. Do this for your own sanity. Why continue to look at something that brings you nothing but pain?

The limbo is over. Divorce is imminent. Nothing I can do or say will stop this. This is it.

It was limbo in your mind only because in hers, she was done long before. And yes, this is it. Now what are you going to do? Feel sorry for yourself or make yourself into the strongest cheesy you can?

We haven’t talked in over a month

How do you communicate about your daughter?

[cheesyt]

Jeep, we aren't fbook friends. I can see them since I was tagged in all the posts. Ouch, you're right the limbo was only in my mind. I'll dust my self off and go about my life. But the struggle is real. We don't communicate about D, She's my step daughter and W wont let me see her anymore.

[cheesyt]

Who is this woman? I cannot believe what this woman is doing. I got a text that my cellphone bill was late. (I paid my portion was waiting on wife to pay hers) I called, since I have restricted access (fixed now) the Verizon Lady told me my bill was 923.00 so we went through everything. 1. what lines are on my account, W was kind enough to leave D’s phone account.. Out of contract, canceled. Not a huge deal. 2. Then I asked about the bill, she said W took her lines on the 25th (that’s when our bill cycle ends) perfect. 3. W hadn’t paid her 150 balance…ok.. I start to get worried 4. There’s a 625 charge for an iPhone that was taken out of contract, I told the lady it belongs to such #, VL said she did not show it in her database. I knew what was coming. The VL said she’d call the number, VL puts me on hold, after about 5 min came back on the line and VL said “Your Wife took her lines to a different carrier I told her about the charges, Wife said she knew you’d get the bill and that you could discuss it in the Divorce” I stayed quiet. VL said “Miss Cheesy, It’s going to be ok, you will get though this” I about lost my sh!t. I held it together. We finished the conversation. I called W, no answer left her a brief VM, hey thanks for taking your lines, there’s a charge for the iPhone let me know what’s up with that, I’ll also email all your emails thanks. And I emailed her. I kept calm cool and collected. I will not give her the liberty of hearing me panicked.
So On top of taking the house, all the material things inside the house, took money from the joint accounts, and leaves me with most of the debt on top she sticks me with a 923 dollar charge. For something I DON’T HAVE, KNOWINGLY. I cannot believe what the VL relayed to me. How low is this woman going to go?
I feel like a dumbas$ for missing her so much last night and every day, for crying and for still having good thoughts abut her. What the heck is wrong with me?!
I immediately started crying, walked over to my firend/co worker. She talked with me, consoled me. Told me this isn’t about me. That wife is manipulative, and playing the victim. She told me I’ll have good days, and bad and to let myself have bad days cus its healthy. She told me I can’t always be strong, even though I try. She also told me I’ve come so far, to think about all the good things that have come out of it.

I HATE THIS. I want to walk away. But I think that’s what W wants. I have a feeling I’m going to have to retain the lawyer fully to represent me. I don’t know if I mentioned, but I can do a “half” lawyer smaller retainer for advice and I represent myself. But it’s already not looking too good. Regardless on Monday when I meet with the L I will bring two checks, one for the “half” L and one for the full retainer. I want to get nasty, but I won’t. I will only ask for what’s mine because I believe in karma.
I hate this and I don’t deserve this.

[BluWave]

(((cheesy))) I am so sorry. This is awful. Sounds like you have a rough road ahead. I dont have much good advice because I haven't been down the D path. I will say tho, there is no use in beating yourself up. You loved her and were committed to your M and there is so much honor in that. I believe in karma too.

So keep doing what you know is the right thing and don't stoop to her level. Don't punish her because it will come out of your pocket.

I am glad you have supportive people. Take and allow that support--nurture those Rs. And it's perfectly okay to take time to relax, smell the flowers, and put all thoughts of her aside, you need to carry on and not let the stress consume you.

Hugs,
Blu

[lt0402]

Cheesyt, I'm sorry things are rough right now. We all go through bad nights like that so you are not alone. I know it's [censored] right now but we've all watched you build this amazing version of cheesyt and I know that your future will be amazing!

So, I agree with Jeep. You should cut ties with your W on FB. Starting to really hate FB here as well. Best not to get constant updates on what W is doing as it'll suck you back into the muck.

Your W reaching out is probably what you think it is. She did this before, months ago, and you are right not to respond. Could be trying to temp check you to see if you're going to respond. Again, best not to bite and get pulled in. Great job!

Hang in there cheesyt! You are an amazing woman and your W doesn't deserve to have you pining for her. Keep pushing forward and everything will be good. Stay strong!

[lt0402]

How's the wonderful cheesyt doing right now? Hope you're well cheesy!

[Dawgs]

Cheesyt has this!

[cheesyt]

Just met with the Lawyer, it went well. He told me since I have retained him, not to have any contact with her or her lawyer (if she were to get one) without consulting My L first. I told him I want nothing to do with her and do not want to speak or talk to her. He said I’m going to make it easier, as I had already filled out all the paperwork. He will respond to the court as well as to STBX. L said he hopes she gets a lawyer that has the same mentality as we do, in the sense of lets get this show on the road and get the D finalized. L said he wished W wouldn’t have pissed me off (the shady money and cell phone thing) because it just puts money in “lawyer’s” pockets. He clarified, the court will give my wife a date to “buy” me out of any equity, and it’s up to her to figure it out, should it come down to that. Spousal support, same thing. For Debts and assets I told him whatever the court / judge sees fit that’s what I want. If I get half of the equity, she gets half of the joint debt, and I get spousal support then so be it. If the court says I get nothing, then so be it. The bottom line, I want the court to decide, not my wife, and not me. I told the L the reason I am ok with whatever happens was because at one point I was going to walk away and just sign D papers. If I come out with anything, then I’m ahead, if not, I will figure it out. I always do. L said my response will be filed within 24/48 hrs. and then we will go from there. I feel pretty good. I like him, he said a few things I really liked. can’t think of the top of my head but overall, I’m ready. I feel ready. It’s time to move on. It’s time to continue to move forward. And if I never see her again, then I never see her again. Should our paths cross one day, then so be it and we can tackle it then. If not, I’m confident I’m already better off.
With that, I did have a really rough past week, doubts, mourning the person I once loved and married, missing my D, the year of BD happened, D’s birthday on Thursday, getting the paperwork. just everything kind of happened, and it happened worse than it had ever, but its part of the road. I know I might get down when the D is final but with that, I’ll be ok again.
I mailed a card for D this morning, a birthday card and a gift card to a restaurant because we always took D out for dinner, I figure I’d still “Take her out” I also included a poem I wrote for her 3 years ago but never gave her. I always felt maybe ashamed to love her as much as I did or show it. (has to do with my childhood not her I now know) but it was time. I mailed it in the original paper I wrote it on, all crumbled and folded in my hand writing. I was going to re write it but…nah. Anyway, Here it is,
You’re just a little girl now but someday you’ll understand
That no matter how this world spins us ill be there to hold your hand
We may not share the same blood but I raised you as my own
& I hope you still turn to me when you’re old and grown
It melts my heart to hear your say I love you almost every day
An unconditional love I could not receive in any other way.
you’re turning 8 now (she’s actually going to be 11) but pretty soon you’ll be 28
With your own life and kids and a loving soul mate.
I’m so proud of the girl you are, I love who you’re becoming
Smart, confident, caring sincere, and oh so very loving.
Happy birthday, Her name,
Your mom and I love you so much.
I hope you have 100 more and still love us just as much.
-I don’t regret not giving it to her before. It just is. And it’s time. My love for her has nothing to do with W and my relationship. I’ll always love her and she will always be my little girl.

At any rate I’m good. I’m happy, and I leave for vacation on fridayyyyy.

[JRuss]

Have a great vacation -- you deserve it.

[Vanilla]

Cheesy

I love the poem to your D.

The fin stuff is rough, I suggest separating fin from D.

Like you I am going straight to Trial and a judge will decide. You likely won't get what you want and neither will WW. Truly it may be a mash up and I can only say ask L to forward all missives to you first before L replies. You can draft a reply with instruction and it can say "my client has instructed me not to reply on this issue".

My lovely cheesy enjoy your holiday.

V

[cheesyt]

I am feeling some sort of way. First, my trip to mexico was amazing, of course. Then I returned for less than a week and my sister went into labor, so I left to go visit them. I made it in time for the birth. with that though came so many emotions of, last time my sister had a child my Wife was there, and being in nursing school she was an amazing help. This event marks the last of "the firsts" I have officially done everything once, without her. I have survived all holidays, all trips, all life events without her. I did it, I was / am happy. To an extent. But at the same time I feel like I'm dying inside again, every day. I can't help but to miss her, yes it's less and less each day. However, I still just want a hug from her. I think back (and I'm aware i need to stop) and picture her and I and our hugs, intimate and loving. and then, I don't want this, but at the same time how could I ever love her and be with her again? Very difficult place to be.


Idk. I also just realized, Like right this second, I haven't been taking my anti depression meds continuously since the beginning of the month. which leads me to believe I'm extra feeling everything because of it. But also makes me wonder, are they just numbing my real true feelings? is that healthy? So as I began writing this I was in tears, then realizing I'm crazy AF, and that If i was back on my meds like I should be, I would probably be more rational and less emotional.

so there's my rambling for today.

-feelings CRAZY AF

[fightin]

Cheeeeeesyyyyyyt! Just checking in and catching up.

I'm so glad you had an amazing trip, that is so important to be taking time for yourself! Congrats on being an auntie again. As rough as it is to go through all of these things without your wife that you once shared with her I hope it is also empowering that you know you CAN get through it without her.

As for the meds, I can't stress enough how important I personally find it to take my meds consistently. I feel it has helped me a lot. Before BD I had been off my meds for nearly a year. I feel they probably helped save my life (literally) during the D process. The whole "numbing feelings" thing is a reason I got off of them to begin with, however, I have come to think about it like this:

I needed the meds before D, I have a chemical imbalance and that does NOT make me weak. I have learned to equate it to my thyroid not functioning properly and needing meds to regulate that. My brain is not functioning properly and the meds help regulate it. I don't know if you were on them before BD, but if so that might be a good way for you to look at it too. If not, then at least look at the meds as a way to help you get through a particularly rough time in your life and that once you're on the road to being fully healed you can address coming off of them. Taking antidepressants is a pretty personal decision though, so whatever you decide is of course up to you. Just thought I'd share some of my own struggles and thoughts from my own experience.

I hope you're doing well. Keep being awesome!

[cheesyt]

well, i signed some of many papers today. that gets filed with the court and a copy goes to the STBX. It feels good. i'm one step closer. I still have more paperwork to sign and idk what else but today, right now, I'm relieved. I'm happy. just concentrated on moving forward and being the best me. I know i had mixed emotions on the initial paperwork, and idk if i'll go back to mixed emotions in the upcoming weeks but this feels right.
I was smiling after sending the email to my L. I couldn't help but think back as to where i was 12 months ago. on a sh!tty roller coaster ride, didn't know which was was up and If someone would've told me singing D paperwork would feel this good, I would've never believed them.

chugging right along!

[Coly23]

Hey Cheesy, great to see an update from you!

You sound so much happier and like you say in a much better place than a year ago. I too am starting to crawl out of the dark hole I fell into last May. It's still heavy going but I can definitely see a slither of light up ahead.

Well done Cheesy you are doing fab!!

[NYGal]

Keep up the good work, cheesyt.

[cheesyt]

had the initial status conference today,
w had an attitude, and looked the exact same. same pants, shirts, over coat, same flats, her hair combed the same, just longer. She carried herself sluggishly – according to me. Wouldn’t even look at me, I made a point to stand up straight, smile toward my Lawyer, I dressed well in a reddish shirt, I stood in front of her talking-to my lawyer (about 10 ft away) through a glass door, made sure she could see me. Judge asked her a few questions, she responded, showed no respect for the judge (like getting up when he asked her to introduce herself) I am glad she carried herself in the way she did, helped me not be attached, I feel detached. The judge ordered us to have the house appraised by may 31. Hopefully it’s appraised VERY VERY high, and I get my share. Who knows.

Back to the W looking the same, I guess I expected her to be different? I don’t know. I know I am different, I wear different shoes now, different shirts, my hair is different, I’d like to believe I’m more confident. I just feel way different -I expected her to be different, she’s the exact same. My whole life changed, her’s….not so much.
Also, got her financials, which are bull sh!t. she’s making about 8 dollars more an hour than me, yet claiming to not be able to pay her bills. Um…what about when we only had MY income? We sure did fine. W also racked up about 20K in credit card debt since we split. That was a nice surprise. It’s crazy, like WTH did you buy? Also saw how much she owes in student loans, about 50k, at least for that she’s got her RN license to show for that. In a way, it makes me feel a lot better about the debt I’m walking away with. Saw her credit card and debit card statements, eats fast food a lot, spends a ton of money on food, and continues to frequent the breakfast place by our home – I’m assuming with SOW. Her life seems the same without me at a glance. I wonder how long, if ever, will she realize that’s just her life. Also got her pay stubs, found out where she’s working, about 2hrs away from the house in some little hospital. With that comes thoughts of, who watches D? SOW or sow’s son. (assuming sow is working, which by the money transfers from sow to W she has to be) I’m guessing sow’s son and D stay home alone, D is 11 he’s about 13/14. However, I always took care of D, W was rarely responsible and the cycle is the same, always up to someone else to care for D. working two hours away means W is most likely gone for her 3-4 days she’s got work. Makes me somewhat sad that I could’ve had D for that time but at the same time I’m not here to help W or make HER life easier. I know it’s not about W its about D but still, for my own sake I need to let go of D (which I feel as though I have come to terms with that) and move on from both of them.

Anyway, next step is get the house appraised.
I am so glad seeing her did not send me off a cliff. Haha

I just feel good!

On Gal - I have a second / weekend job where i'm meeting lots of new people. I love it. Also finished my spring school semester with good grades. And, i joined two softball leagues one on Tuesday one on weds, both co ed. oh and my month and change of vacation from running came to an end this week, started running again. Feel's great to get my shoes back on and hit the open road.

Happy Friday!!!!!

[OwnIt]

Would it not be appropriate to have your lawyer delve into these issues. I would be concerned with my D at that age being left alone with an unrelated boy of that age.

[cheesyt]

Wondering if someone can chime in. I am idk well over a year after BD, and PS. I am actually pretty freaking happy. There’s a pep in my step that was never there, prior to w or during. (say the co workers and acquaintances that knew me prior to things going south) My wife or what she’s up to no longer consume my every thought. I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife. I am aware I miss the W I married not this crazy selfish lady. I don’t miss her very often, and when I do it doesn’t last and the “missing” isn’t at like a 10…it’s more like at a 3/4. Haven’t been over a 4 in a while (I have a friend and we rate the amount of “miss” 1 being the least and 10 being the most) when will I be 100% ok? I do feel I’m indifferent, deff detached, but every time she sends a ridiculous email to my lawyer it just pisses me off. W is still crazy af, selfish, lying and manipulative, so why does that make me angry? I know little to nothing about her life and I’m ok with that. I don’t really care if she’s good or bad. But I do hope she feels guilt, and sorry (very unlikely) and remorse. I’ve read a few posts of how some on the boards are doing after some time and being ok with out the spouse, but they have kids so they still have to interact. My w and I have cut all communication except Divorce through the lawyer.
Not sure if I’m making any sense though.
I’m living, thriving, happy. BUT can’t help to feel like I’m still not healed, or like something’s missing.
Any input greatly appreciated.

Happy Monday!

[AndrewP]

I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

<snip>

But I do hope she feels guilt, and sorry (very unlikely) and remorse.

When you can let go of that piece. ^^^

We're on similar timelines I think and it still hurts any time that I run in to a reminder. But each time it hurts less. In my case it's easier because our paths don't cross except for her occasional interaction with S22.

I was having lunch with a good friend a few days ago and mentioned that I wished my STBX well and I actually do. I don't think of her guy as OM any more either. She's just someone I used to know - most days.

It will come in time but you still have some letting go to finish off. She was part of your life for quite a while. Someone posted to me once that when his W left him it left an empty place where she had been imprinted on his soul and it took some time for that imprint to lift up.

[AnotherStander]

y wife or what she’s up to no longer consume my every thought. I am here because I have a few lingering questions, when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

It varies, for me it was about the 2 year mark that I think I finally completely let go and moved on. I loved that family life I had, probably more than I realized at the time. Not only did W leave but 2 of my 3 kids grew up and moved out soon after too, so it was kind of a triple whammy for me. The kids moving out was inevitable anyway, but that's a huge adjustment to go through. My life looks a lot different now then it did back then, still fulfilling but in different ways.

but every time she sends a ridiculous email to my lawyer it just pisses me off. W is still crazy af, selfish, lying and manipulative, so why does that make me angry?

Yeah my XW went through that too. To this day I still don't know if she was blatantly lying about the D settlement or if she really did believe the crap she said. I eventually gave her what she asked for just to end the misery, a prolonged court battle would have been like a 2nd BD and wasn't worth the $$ to me to fight it. I still think that was the right decision because my health and well-being was worth far more than the settlement. She settled down a lot after the D.

I’m living, thriving, happy. BUT can’t help to feel like I’m still not healed, or like something’s missing.
Any input greatly appreciated.

You're doing fine, I'd say your progression for being at 1 year is right where it needs to be Just give yourself more time!

[Coconut]

when exactly will I stop “missing” my wife.

when will I be 100% ok?

Those are two questions, as for when will you stop "missing" your wife, I would say that you probably never will, because it's not your W you miss, it's your MR, it's part of your life and hopefully a part that you will one day be able to look back at without the anger (I'm still working on that part). I still miss my childhood when I think back to all my friends and good times we had.

As for when you will be 100% ok, based on what you wrote below, I'd say your there. unless of course your saying that feeling emotions is bad (yes even sadness can be a good thing in life). Your alive, your moving forward, you have a spring in your step, don't make 100% the only destination that matters, live the journey.

I am actually pretty freaking happy. There’s a pep in my step that was never there, prior to w or during. (say the co workers and acquaintances that knew me prior to things going south)

[BluWave]

Hi Cheesy,

I just wanted to say hello and it's good to see you! I start to miss posters and then when they pop in, it's so nice to see them.

I think you are doing great. C-nut is right; you are happy and you are on your way, that is what counts. I don't even know what 100% means because how can you even put a number on it?

When a loved one dies, the grieving process can take a long time and be up/down, however over time the pain and sadness does decline. Most of it depends on how attached we were to that person, and also how we as the individual can cope with loss. All factors vary between people. A D is maybe more hard to analyze because the person is not dead--they are very real and we still have interactions with them. That can reignite hurt and confusion.

I think your success lies in your motivation to have success; you want to heal and move forward. If you want this, then over time you will make this new and better life for yourself. You say you are happier than before. I envy that so much Cheesy, I really do. ... The sadness may always come and go, but it never has to stop you from living on. You got this!

Blu

[cheesyt]

Andrew - you're right she's just someone I used to know. But how do I let go of that piece you pointed out?

Another- thank you it's nice to hear words of encouragement. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm where I need to be emotionally with my wife, but I'm getting there. And I guess half the battle if not most, is that I feel like I'm right where I need to be in all other aspects of my life.

Coconut -wow. "don't make 100% the only destination that matters, live the journey" I actually wrote that on a sticker and put it on my work monitor. I can't tell you how great those words are. I will continue to tell myself every day. And yes, I miss something and I can't quiere put my finger on it, sometimes I think it's my wife other times I'm like "something" interestingly enough I don't look back with anger, more of regret? Guilt? That I wasn't this amazing cheesy back when that's all my wife wanted.

Blue! So nice to hear for you. I will work on not putting a number on it, and like coconut said, I'll try not to make 100% the destination. I agree, I read somewhere that divorce is harder than death for that reason that you know they're there. I guess I still can't believe my wife never wanted me back. Very apart from would I take her back, never got the chance to make that choice. I do want to move on and get over this, but I'm inpatient. I guess I just have to keep working at it till one day w is just a distant memory. Thank you. I'm struggling today and yesterday and idk just feeling overly emotional and I am really hard on myself. I feel like I'm not allowed to be emotional cus it's been forever (haha feels like it) and I am mostly ok, hate the downs. But I know they are part of the process. Thank you again. Love hearing from you all!

Headed home for the long weekend.

-sleepy & crabby, need to sleep it off.

[lt0402]

Cheesy! I think where you are is normal. AP is right, in that the reminders are what hurts. It's the reminders of how our ex's were, not how they are now. I get that longing feeling you have at times, but as soon as I remember just how horrible my STBX is being to me it helps me snap out of it (in addition to your reminders! )

Cheesy, view the sadness as something to remind you of your strength. To remind you of the awesome person you've become. You continue to become a more kick a$$ person every day my friend! I'd say that your W is a complete moron for leaving you, but I believe we established that a long, long time ago!!!

Keep being you and that missing feeling, I suspect, will just fade away.

[cheesyt]

quick update,
my L sent settlement over to W earlier today and I put my two weeks in at my current job. I feel like there's a light at the end of my tunnel, I can move states without ANYTHING holding me back. the past year + have been one hell of a ride. I'm excited for my future, to be closer to family and my nieces, I look forward to finding a new job. and purchasing my first home. I'm Just excited.

now to hoping I can find a great fitting job, and that this D goes smoothly and quickly as I am more than ready to not think of her ever again.

life's looking good!!!!

[lt0402]

Cheesy = Awesome!!!

[fightin]

Cheesyt,

I haven't been on in a while and was just checking in. Sounds like you're doing better overall and that's wonderful that you have some things to look forward to. I hope you continue towards peace and happiness.

[cheesyt]

update on surviving the D


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