W texted asking about taxes. We exchanged a few texts over this. Then I asked about seeing D10. W replied- you know, I’m sure your intentions are good and I thank you for that. But that this point in time, I just don’t see the need for this to go any further. She is finally getting settled into life and I think right now it is unnecessary to confuse her. I hope you understand. W- I'm sorry. But things are finally settling down and D is about to be rocked again. I have to explain to her that my mom has ALS. So I just think that life needs to remain constant for her at this time. I really hope you understand.
I have not replied, as I do not know what to say.
Back in October W told me to back off from D and MIL. (W said both D and MIL were bad mouthing me so I agreed to back off)
These texts led to a mini break down. Some reasons, I felt rejected all over again. I feel that w is just fine without me and bringing me back into their lives is nothing she’s interested in. (which in my eyes means no R) W has lost 2 grandparents she was close to while with me and I believe I was a great support to her, so naturally with MIL’s disease I wish I could be there for W. I can’t believe W really thinks having D's other parent (me), the only other constant parent in D’s life is not good for her, especially now. Someone else is that support for both of them and that hurts. I know I’m doing some mind reading, but from my side of the fence, W is with SOW, which D is settling into. No reason to leave SOW cus it would “rock” their lives again. WTF. W was just fine rocking our lives (Which W apologized for one night over the phone in Nov) Live’s will continue to be rocked obviously by the natural progression of life, yet not because I’m coming back into the picture. It seems like W’s world is falling apart and so much is going on, which I would hope would shake her back to me but it seems as though the opposite is happening really feel's as though I've lost this battle.
What I wish to respond with is “I do not understand how not having her other parent in her life is best, However I respect your decision. It must be very difficult for you to have so much on your plate regarding MIL and D. I truly hope they are well” I wish I could tell her I want to be there for them…but idk if that’s wise.
Things to remember, it’s not all about me. W truly believe’s this is what's best for D. Those texts change nothing, I still don’t see either of them, I still don’t talk to them. I am still here moving forward.
-how many more times will I (& my support system help) pick up the pieces?
Think you have to wait/let her hit rock bottom its hard but time is your friend,remember the saying its just a matter of time,if she is mlc this is not your wife its an alien,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Cheesyt, I don't think that W is truly doing what is best for D. She may perceive it to be the best thing, but remember that her viewpoint is very skewed right now. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL though, I know you are very close with her.
I remember what your W said D was saying about you back in October. Don't believe that nonsense. You've seen my W throw out nonsense like that too. As we progress and get a better understanding of our situations we see that talk from W for what it is. Either projecting or outright lies. Please don't allow that to weigh on you, as you seem to have a good R with your D.
I know that you are feeling down and lost right now. Each of these text conversations with your W seem to sap a bit of energy from you. What is the longest you've gone NC with her for? It seems like she's taking you for granted, knowing you're there for her if she needs you. Maybe going dark changes the equation. It's a scary step, I know, especially since you're worried about losing her. But it doesn't seem like your current path is forcing your W to question her decisions. thoughts on that?
Cheesyt, I look at you and how far you've come and see this wonderful and independent person. Your W is a fool for not seeing the same. As for answering her text what would make YOU feel the most at ease? Do you feel strongly enough that D should have you in her life right now that you'd shake your W by pushing back on her? If so, then you should state your opinion. Know that W will probably shoot it down though. If not, then maybe a msg like "I can see how you're going through some difficult times right now. Please tell D I'm thinking of her" would work better. Just a thought and I'd probably wait for a vet to help more.
Know that you are not being rejected cheesyt. You have so many people in your life that are ecstatic to have you around, from your roommate to your friends at work to all of the folks here. Who cares what one crazy, off their rocker person (your W) thinks. We all know you are awesome! Hang in there cheesyt! You deserve better than this!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
These milcs seem to have it all worked out,get rid of there partners get another partner and live happy ever after ,wotever,they think the grass is greener on the other side,and there's nothing you can do to stop it,there on a mission,and if you try and stop it like I did and many do,you just end up putting your self thru hell,again you can't change them,so I say let go sap ,give them what they want,they don't want you so let them have it sap,let them fend for them self's,see how they like it when your not there for them,if I had done this 4 years ago my sitch might have been different,again you can't stop it they want change no matter what,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Awe, cheesyt, I wish I could pick you up and hug all your pain away. You are worth so much more than tying yourself to whatever your W is trying to make you feel. She's crazy right now, and only looking out for herself or at least what she thinks she wants for herself. It will come crashing down eventually, I truly believe that, but until then cheesyt HAS TO take care of cheesyt!
Your D is smarter than your W is giving her credit for, and chances are D sees right through whatever she's hearing about you. My SS(11) knows exactly what is going on with his mom and he's made some pretty astute observations that surprised me, but I definitely think they see more than we think they do. Your W is just using D as a way to control you.
My W has done the same thing on and off. When she feels I'm playing by her rules she's good with me having a relationship with SS, when I shut her out she tries to take that relationship with him from me. Thankfully, his dad is cool and knows that SS wants me in his life so they make that happen regardless of W's behavior. I know that unfortunately you don't have that same kind of situation. For that I am truly sorry because I know you love your D very much and want nothing more than to be there for her. I hope your W will wake up, but if she doesn't, please remember it is most certainly her loss. Her using D as a tool is out of selfishness, I seriously doubt your D wanted you to be removed from her life and I'm sure she still loves you.
Try to remember you're amazing and that you're becoming more amazing each day that you carry on! Hugs!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Lt, your words always resonate and make me feel that much better. Thank you. I ended up replying “I’m sorry to hear about your mother” but I really liked what you suggested. W said “thanks.” not a word since… Fightin, thanks for the virtual hug. I need all the hugs I can get recently. Maly, thanks for chiming in I appreciate you all.
I’ve had a seriously rough week. Just as I think I can’t get “worse” or more “down” or cry more than I did the last time, it happens.
I did something I shouldn’t have done. I snooped. I hadn’t snooped, I’m not one to snoop. I saw a picture W uploaded on her Facebook of SOW W, W’s bff, and bff’s husband. W looks like she’s gained her weight back. SOW was wearing “our" sweatshirt….(W and I have this thing that anywhere we’d visit, little mountain town or big city we’d buy a hoodie sweatshirt from there so we could wear it as a souvenir type thing for us. That sweater no longer fits me, as I’ve lost so much weight It just wouldn’t look right.) They were a few hrs south of here where SOW lives. Over this weekend for W’s birthday. For someone who’s got so much going on and has a dying mother and W herself wants to be a better mother, she seems to be doing A-okay. Also discovered SOW has my D and her S as a background pic on fbook. D was wearing the sweater I gave her recently. They’re playing house…aughhhh and it just kills me all over again. I wonder If W kicked roommate out so that S can have that bedroom and moved SOW and S in. Since W and SOW should have RN jobs now. Also drives me up a wall W told me we are meant to be together BUT she’s going to continue dating SOW. I feel very selfish saying this but I don’t want W to be happy unless its with me.
I spoke to my roommate and roommate’s bf (he’s officially moving in) and they gave me their two cents. I told hem how It’s a blow to the ego, I’m not talking just looks wise, but I believe I’m a way better catch that SOW. And then They tell me I can’t compare myself to her. They’re right. RBF hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead, he’s so kind. He told me one day I’ll find a “Better” match for me. Who appreciates me. they both seem to think I put all of me out there for W and she just sh!it on it, but I believe they’re biased. RBF has “no doubt” I’ll be better off after this.
A friend told me to make it though jan and feb. that these are tough months on relationships, as you’re coming out of the holidays and many let downs. Idk though, some days, especially this past week I really feel like I can’t anymore. My aunt also asked me how much longer did I want to suffer over this…food for thought.
On my bad days, I wish I could just get over W. I think of everything, all the bad times, things and words that have transpired over the past 10 months, and part of me wants to file for D and NEVER look back. Some days I really wish that could be the case, but I can’t. I do believe we were meant to be forever.
Do I want my W, D and MIL back? Yes. Is it going to happen? Who knows. Can I make it through? Yes. Will I be a better person after all is said and done? Absolutely.
Cheesy we all understand she was the love of your life,and I feel the same about my wife infact I hope she ends up with nothing,and many of them do its a karma thing,heard the saying what goes around comes around,one day the tables might turn,it happens,and to be honest no matter what you do will change her infact it will probly do the opposite and make her even worse ,the best and only thing you can do is let her get on with it,its hard but it will help you heal to,think of it this way its not the end of the world and millions are going thru the same thing and worse,and in the long run you will probly be the winer in the future with a better life than her,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
The grass is not greener on the other side. The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not. In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color. This usually happens soon after you get caught. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back. The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Really missing my wife today. Had a dream that W and I R. of course. Except this one SOW got violent. I wish I could stop dreaming of W. It’s odd. Though I don’t feel “down” today, I really really miss my w. interesting how our lives have changed, W I’m sure has a job now, I was pretty new at mine when we split, so we technically know nothing about each other’s lives. I feel as though we are strangers. So why do I miss and want my w back? She may never be my W again. Also, why would my W or any WW come back to someone they don’t really know anymore? Interesting thoughts.
really feel's as though I've lost this battle.