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OK thanks. I thought sandi2 was about WAWs specifically, but will look it up to see if I can glean anything.

Does anyone get exhausted with this? Today I am totally totally exhausted. I feel I could lie down and sleep for a million years. I can't concentrate at work at all.


Divorced and letting go.
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WH told me yesterday in no uncertain terms he intends to block me from returning to my home country with our son. Despite having said before he wouldn't. Feel totally alone and terrified and in despair. The only thing that was keeping me going was the idea that I would be able to go home and be surrounded by family and my oldest friends and start to heal and rebuild. I feel betrayed again, not just by him but by his parents too, who agreed they understood why I needed to go home. My mother in law said she witnessed my struggle to adapt here for the last 15 years and saw how hard it was for me. And yet she's helped WH get legal advice about keeping me here. Destroyed all over again. When does it get better?


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Originally Posted By: 2016sux

Does anyone get exhausted with this? Today I am totally totally exhausted. I feel I could lie down and sleep for a million years. I can't concentrate at work at all.

You ever see the commercial

Last night I slept in a Holiday Inn Express.

There is importance in getting a good night sleep.

Most important basic things to do.

Breathe, drink fluids, eat, and sleep!

These are basics!

Work on above list before you try to start doing anything else.
You know put your own oxygen mask on before you try to start saving others!


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Thanks Cadet. I see the wisdom of what you're saying but I feel panic stricken all the time. I can totally understand when they say that the LBS goes through a fog, because that's what I'm feeling at the moment.


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Originally Posted By: 2016sux
I can totally understand when they say that the LBS goes through a fog, because that's what I'm feeling at the moment.

Well the advantage that you have is hopefully you won't deny that it is happening, but instead face it and try to FIX yourself.

We have all been there.


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2016

Please. Talk to a good immigration and divorce lawyer. In 6 months when you start to realize that your WH who has had MULTIPLE affairs is not a prize, you will regret not having had one sooner. Don't make agreements or decisions as of yet and certainly do not make any with the goal of "winning" your husband back. Do what works best for you.

Your in laws will never be on your side. No matter how nice and friendly they seem. Don't trust them and certainly don't pay mind to their opinions on this matter. She's reminding you of your struggles adapting there? WTF? She's justifying and enabling some pretty disgusting behavior on her sons part. Talk to a lawyer ASAP!

OW is a creep for going with a married man with a young child.

If you were single, would you ever go for a man cheating on his wife with a young child? Then why now?

Don't focus on saving a marriage. Focus on saving you.


Best of wishes.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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JujuB

Thanks for the response - I totally needed to hear what you said.

I've been speaking to a lawyer. Engaged one formally last Friday - he warned that it looks like WH has already taken legal advice and is shaping up for a fight. Which will take 6-9 months and cost approx £60K. I am terrified. We are seeing a mediator for the first time today - I am really really petrified. I am all alone here - WH has his family advising him on what to do, who to call. Barely slept last night.

You're the first person to tell me that OW is creep. Thanks for that - it's made me so happy! Everyone's been pursing their lips and saying '"Ah well, she's single, she didn't make any promises to you..." I totally get that it's my scummy WH that's broken my heart and spat on our shared history, but she's not innocent! My own father told me she was innocent, and my M-i-l has disappointed me so so much by refusing to judge her. I thought M-i-l and I were close - true colours showing now! She's just waiting to meet her now. I feel doubly betrayed - by WH and his family's response to the OW situation.

I should mention that both his parents cheated. They know we know about his father's affair but it was never mentioned, and his mother doesn't know we know about hers. WH always told me he would never do what they did - frown


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I have been focussed on saving the marriage so much because I blamed myself for the As.

JujuB - I went through and read through your sitch and saw at one stage you felt the same way - did the way you feel change?

The first two EAs were back to back - he propositioned his first EA and she backed off and then he went straight to the second. Then she eventually backed off and he told me it was a dreadful mistake, blah blah. I wanted to believe him so much and also felt guilt for 'driving' him away - I have a hot temper and was really disrespectful in the way I spoke to him, really angry all the time. We worked on things for a year and were really happy, then conceived our little one.

When my son was a year old I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time, a much wanted baby. The doctors told me if I kept the baby it was likely we might both not make it because the cancer was aggressive. I went with the termination as recommended - couldn't find a single doctor who would tell me to keep the baby. The termination was much much harder to deal with than the cancer - with the cancer my hands were tied, but the baby... that was my decision and I regret it every day.

WH didn't want to talk about the baby at all. He would get really angry and say "what would you do - leave me and your son behind?" He said I was being totally selfish. To this day he's never really spoken to me about it.

Later when he was leaving for OW he told me he thought he exited the marriage around two years ago. Which would bring us to the time of the cancer and chemo. I feel he just couldn't cope - he's always been about fun and having a good time and then suddenly there was nothing about his life with me that was fun or good. And so he checked out.


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The cancer was just the start of it. We lived apart for 8 months while I went through 8 sessions of chemo - I couldn't cope with our son so the little one and I moved to live with his parents 4 hours way. WH would commute to see us on weekends - arrive Friday night and leave Sunday afternoon. Most weekends I was totally out of it so didn't see him. He doesn't seem to think this should have had any effect on our marriage. When talking about the breakdown of our relationship and I said to him, can't you see this was a big deal for us - he just shrugs.

I joined him after the 8 months and went back to work full time, while settling our son in his new nursery and then going through 5 weeks of radiotherapy. My boss was not understanding and worked me like a dog. At the same time I was project managing the renovation of our family home - a huge project that overhauled the whole place. The architect was a nightmare - went around offending the whole street. I felt there was not one part of my life that was safe, that was sane. Misery everywhere. I took it out on WH - badly. Told him I hated him, that he was useless, that I had to do everything. Every time I went on one of these rants he just pursed his lips, walked away, and then came back and pretended everything was ok. Because he didn't react and I wanted a reaction, the next time I blew up I came at him harder, angrier. He started PA 1 at this time.

When I found out about PA1 I lost it. I became even angrier. He tried to fix things - booked a weekend away, got us some trust exercises to do. I wanted to punish him. And I did. On the drive home I just screamed at him for the whole way back - 2 hours. All I remember is he was gripping the steering wheel really hard and not saying anything. Later I found out as soon as we got back, he went and looked up the OW from PA1 and asked her to re-engaged. She backed off because she didn't realise he was married. Thus enters OW from PA2.


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This OW was someone WH had been flirting with for months at his old job. He said she was fun and easy going and was always laughing. As opposed to battle scarred angry me.

When he left me for her the second time, I messaged her. Asked her to leave him while we sorted stuff out. Told her I was watching my three year old sleep and his world was falling apart. She ignored me. Somehow I blame her a lot more. She knew he was married. She knew his wife wanted to make things work. She gave him a choice to walk away. I just hope karma finds her and soon.


Divorced and letting go.
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