Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
The drinking in Aug/sept/oct was to try to escape his feelings.

I was totally fed up with his attitude and when he stayed out on that 2 day bender I saw red and just thought he was taking the p@ss out of me. Plus it's something we'd never ever do - stay out without a prior discussion. He text me and said he was staying out but it wasn't acceptable to me. I already felt the relationship was almost beyond repair and him staying out made me feel like it was confirmed.

Ultimately though that seems to be what has made him wake up and realise if he didn't act we'd be done.

I don't truly understand his 180 though. He'd spent two months convincing me that he couldn't forgive me and that he felt like his soul had been ripped out.

Then the thought of actually truly losing me made him pursue me like he did when we were dating. He's chilled out a bit now he doesn't think I'll ate anyone else - that he feels lkek he's caught me again.
And that freaks me out too. I feel like I've got to keep him on his toes so he doesn't become comlaent again especially as we're still technically living in separate houses.


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
We ended speaking twice yesterday about relationship stuff - 40 mins on the phone and and about an hour in person.

On the phone



Last night he did say he tries telling himself that it's just money (I thought ooo that's a bit of a breakthrough for him) but he followed it up with but it's the lies that you told to try to cover it up that hurt me.

I have previously told him that the lies were so I'd not get caught out because once I'd started this it felt too late to back out. And it snowballed until the lies we're out in the open. I do hate myself for this.

He also can't cope with the how frustrated/ angry he feels about how it's changed our lives - we should have been married 4 months now and we should be beginning preparations to move to Australia. It's all stuff he desperately wanted to do with me.


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
He says he knows the hurt he feels will either go away or get worse and that he knows only time will help us or split us for good. This is true it's not rocket science.

When we were tipsy at the end of our day out on Sunday he basically said everything and more positive about us. He still managed a 10 minute growl about how I've messed everything up but overall he was loving and misses me / us.

I think if I can show him with my actions now that he can trust me that will help but I need help with ways to show him he can trust me. The big ones are making those loan payments on time.


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
I'm not planning on having a deep and meaningful chat with him agajn any time soon- we need some more fun.

Yesterday's chat came about because he'd never said what he was up to and I'm feeling low because he is moving our spare sofa and tv cabinet out on Thursday to his rental.

I text in reply to him and just said speak to me later I'm fed up of the randomness. He phoned me within five mins despite being at work.

I always try not to be needy or pushy and me saying phone me fed up is about as needy as I've got

Anyway on the phone we talked (again he had a 5/-10 min mini rant about me ruining our lives) then he apologised for raising his voice - I said I don't mind the mini rants occasionally because it's a vent and at least you're talking to me about it and you've apologised for raising your voice (that's true I understand the need to vent and he did apologise for shouting)

In our conversation during the evening I asked he he say these chats as positvebor negative (he thinks any discussions are arguments - honestly sometimes he floors me with his outlook- but then I remind myself he didn't argue with his ex wife because he was a doormat just occasionally he would explode because he couldn't take it anymore - bit passive aggressive too) I said talking even with a little heated exchange isn't an argument - I said I like talking- it good- we've not left anything on a bad point- so for me this is a little step forward and talk. He said but we've just how over old stuff and I said a little but I've learnt quite a few new things in the conversations. And he was a bit shocked so I repeated it for him- I'll list below...
But seen as he sees discussions as arguments what do I do about that? Avoid all discussions?? I did tell him we have to talk about the serious stuff at times. And he agreed.
On the phone he said he might seem callous finalising his move out by he has to do it for his headspace (knew this already because he said until he rented that house he felt like he'd got a noose around his neck and all it did was get tighter- I'd hate to live in his world where every discussion is a an argument and everything made it worse- I'm convinced he has anxiety and depression maybe only mild but he does have symptoms of them and being very male he won't take anything for it)
Anyway he said he wants the rental in a comfortable lovable condition so that he can stop discussing how to achieve that with me and when he comes to see me he is coming to see me and not make me feel like Hes using me for a sofa etc
this did make me feel better.
But the cynical part of me makes me think back to advice on here about only velhve 50% of what you hear - should I relax this rule as I'm the one who committed the wrong doing and I'm the one who can't be trusted???
I love it when he's more relaxed when we've had a bottle of wine and will talk more openly about his feelings
When he's sober he's very guarded - like if he says something positive about us I'll think we're all hunky dorey and back together.
He said on the phone a couple of things that hurt a bit while he was ranting - like I just want to be back together like before but nothing's going to change suddenly (the suddenly part hurt a bit because I thjnk I do want change- impatient!!!!) and he said I want him to tell his parents etc about us trying and he feels embarrassed. He's says he felt embarrassed a lot at the end of last year because he was getting excessively drunk and it's not like him (he is ex rugby player and yes when the lads get together they are silly and get excessively drunk but that might happen twice a year) then he told his parents about our problem and then I kicked him out and caused more embarrassment so at the moment he says if he told tht he was trying with me they'd think he'd gone mad.
I corrected him and told him i don't need to tell his side yet but hat he should stop telling lies to cover up - they've been alright when he's told them he's done certain things with me.
A lot of this keeping me hidden has to do with money why he's not telling his parents because they loaned (then gifted) a few thousands to help set him up in the rental.
I don't think they'd be too bad once they realised we were still in love. Without being disrespectful, His mum doesn't work and any gossip is a major drama and all consuming to her plus she is one of those parents where her child can do no wrong so naturally I am the devil incarnate.
Balance this with the fact that his dad has been off work having a knee and hip replacement for a year. I've been the one doing all the hospital trips, check ups with his dad, taking his mum shopping and out for entertainment, asking round to help with stuff etc. And they've said to me and my partner on a few occasions you can always rely on me and I'm better to them than their own daughter (their daughter lives a five min walk away and is always too busy) they've said at the time they love me like their own daughter and they meant it.
So my partner is trying to sort his feelings out for me before he breaks the news to his family isn't he?
He knows it will cause waves and he wants to and sure that we're strong before it happens- that's all isn't it?

Then the 'happen suddenly' statement is probably to stop me thinking he'll move back in within a couple of weeks.
I said last night that I am only putting myself through this because I want a positive outcome for us both but that I can't have this go on forever (i.e. If he extends his rental period I think i have to get out of this- March he will have to decide whether to extend or not but then he has til May in the rental) even writing I think he won't be ready by the end of March to say he can give up he rental. I said I can't have anything sudden happen either because there's too much stuff happened for me to just be back to normal.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
During the phone call he called our situation not normal (his other phrase is stupid) and he means the fact that we've split up enough to move out but want to be together and are working on it.
And I don't normally lose it but I did a bit. I said look if it's that stupid and not normal what we doing - let's not bloody bother and at that moment I wanted him to agree and I could just draw a line in the sand and move on.
But he did the opposite and calmed me down and agreed it wasn't a good way to call anything.

Then in the conversation in the evening he was being negative so I pushed again and said look are you just trying to get me to end it? And he calmed me down again and we agreed I'm going to stop assuming the worst and not try to force and end to it and he's not going to calm out situation not normal or stupid.


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
In some of his texts earlier last evening before he came round he kept pushing to come and I kept turning him away in a 'nice' away

And he was complaining about the twins beds he was putting up so I jokingly called him a wuss - I said shut up you wuss

Normally that banter is ok

But he brought it up last night he said he was really struggling with the beds and when I calle dh a wuss he just thought he wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for me- is he wouldn't be putting uo beds in a rental

Yet he still text me and wanted to come round....

Can i take that as a major positive???

Him texting me
Fed up, can't do this 1 handed impossible... buy divans lol
Could punch the walls thru (he meant couldn't put beds up alone)
Me
You're kidding ...those beds looked easy to put up??
Just broken my own rule and bought two beds not divans. gotta try and unload them and get back to school asap
Him
I'm not doing these beds till weekend. I got to f@@k about with work I'll have to just let kids sleep with me. need to empty room for Thursday 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
My reply
Stop being a wuss

That's the text that upset him and reading it back i can see his point but we always have banter

Then he sent this..
Can't do owt here till tomorrow so if ya need a hand I'll come up.

Me
Just got in from school run ... (choir)
You really don't want to be messing with yet ANOTHER set of beds so thanks for offering but I'll just get on with it alone. The offer was appreciated though.
After that unexpected natter today you probably need some space anyway so it's ok.
Thank you xxxx

Him
Ok actually thought putting girls beds up would be easier cos twins are like bunk beds.
It's these kind of texts what I struggle with...do I accept it and say ok see ya tomorrow... or am I suppose to read between lines and say well I'll come up for a drink anyway ...confused

Me
Yep I'm struggling with these texts too TBH
I'm being polite refusing help because you're busy with work and you've already told me you've nearly slung some beds through window
So I'm not offended either way ok

Him
I'll come up at 6 and have a look
I need your help anyway cos like I've not enough to moan about, been hacked on PayPal 🙈🙈🙈

Me
No way!
PayPal are pretty good though.
You must never go through an email to go into your PayPal account tho

Then I panicked and just felt in friend zone so I did a complete 180 ...

Me again

I'm up to my neck in kid crap in these bedrooms. Don't come up.
Stay and sort PayPal out. They have instructions online to do it .., phone me if you get stuck xx
That's not me asking you to read between the lines - it's a mess here and I feel uncomfortable you seeing it

Him
It's only mess we created, but if you insist I'm not begging or a pest so ok.
Don't know where to start with PayPal never done owt with it.

Me
It's a mess the kids created actually
Come up then if you're not going to be weird about the bloody mess
I'm not changing my mind again either lol

He came up and was ok- we agreed though that making arrangements to see each other need to be done by phone not texts
When we first dated those types of texts were cute and confusing but we know each other now and he says we've got to be blunt and say what we mean...,


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
To stop random nights or texts as well he's come up with the idea of trialling a week of discussing beforehand
So we're on about ... next week he'll have his twins weds night and j don't have my girls (with their dad) so we won't see each other that night and no hard feelings etc

He knows I'm out on Friday for a friend's birthday and he's asked me out on Saturday night

At the end of jan he's booked a night away in a hotel in one of our favourite cities for us too


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
O
Origina Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 71
What do I do about visiting his rental?
He wants me to go round to his like he comes round here (when he's finished it off)?
I feel uncomfortable as to me that house is a massive signpost that we're not together.
The house is either a short term stop gap for him and we get back together or we split up and is his permanent residence...
I suppose I could get used to going there but I don't want to really... I don't want to be snuggled on the spare sofa from our house in his rental.
I don't want him thinking of that house as his home.
Surely if I 'visit' and stay over he's going to think I'm comfortable with that house.

I've already told him I can't see myself doing that because I don't like the houseand it means we're not living together - he says he understands but wants to have me over so he can show me he's not using me for a comfortable house (our house) I've told him that's not necessary.


Me (40) partner (male 37)
Both divorced previously
Together 4 years
Bomb from him- Nov
Kicked him out- mid Dec
Confusion ever since

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
You do own half of both houses. Correct?

Disregard it is a rental.

You are paying for both houses

Last edited by Cadet; 01/11/17 07:46 AM.

Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
'Additionally, we both tried working on our previous marriages while we were married'

How?

Are you ever planning to read Dbor Dr? Seems like you"re looking for a quick answer. There isn't a solution until you understand the problem. Plus you two should lay off the booze


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard