To be fair, they were introduced to me originally as my ex's friends, so I wouldnt expect them to be 'mine' after the divorce.
There is your answer. Since they were the ex's friends first, the loyalties will lie there.
Maybe I wasnt as clear in my initial post as I should have been. These couples arent friends with my ex either anymore. In fact, during our separation, my ex blocked several of these people on FB because it was believed that were 'on my side'. From what I can tell from very limited facebook observation, there has been no effort made to mend those bridges.
As I was browsing through the facebooks today, I came upon a posting that made me very sad. You see, back when I was married, my couple friends, my ex and I used to gather regularly for all sorts of parties or get-togethers usually as a group of 6 or 8. As I posted to AndrewP, this set of friends abandoned me almost immediately after the separation. It was as if they thought that the divorce was contagious, I guess. To be fair, they were introduced to me originally as my ex's friends, so I wouldnt expect them to be 'mine' after the divorce.
Anyway, there was a weekend getaway that these couples did for 4th of July and there were images all over social media that hit me pretty hard. There is another set going on now after this past weekend's festivities in preparation for Christmas. It hurts that I feel like I did nothing wrong to these people, but yet, Im still pushed to the outside looking in. Its just a reminder that I didnt just lose a spouse, I had a complete life overhaul where what I have left from that old life is my family and a few friends.
Im not sure theres much point to this posting, other than just to vent a little bit about being sad. But sometimes just typing things like this out help.
darknes - my old sparring partner - this is a tough time for us all. I'm glad that you felt confident posting this here among friends.
I've been blessed in the fact that many kind people have reached out to me and become friends after W departed. Social media played a big role in that for me. I had reached out to people I liked but didn't know well in a friendly way. Many of these were people who were just acquaintances of W - not close friends. I just got a very nice message from one a few moments ago about something I was helping her with. On Saturday one came by with a tray of Christmas cookies and a big smile for me.
Seeing the joy we once had and that now is lost forever does make things sad indeed. Time travel alas only works in one direction. I often think about how much of my history that I will purge if W indeed never comes home. For now from time to time I look back and remember the joy with yes, a twinge of sadness but still also feel the joy of those good memories.
It feels weird for me to be the one telling you this and perhaps my 2X4 is more a wiffle-bat compared to your's but this is where you need to make your own joy and your own memories and not just with your new partner.
If we don't correspond before and even if we do - have a very Merry Christmas my friend.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
hugs to you darknes. I also lost friends because of the fallout of my previous marriage. But, I've also made some new friends that I never would have had if things hadn't gone the way they did.
darknes, I hope the holidays are finding you well.
I've been thinking about what you posted and wondering what prevents you from reaching out to these friends? Perhaps they miss you as well. Sometimes we don't know if we don't ask. Even just a coffee and a hello can be nice.
While I think all of our relationships died (associated with the M) with the death of our M, perhaps some of those can be reconciled too. Just as the M will be something new and different with piecing, I think the friendships can be refined too. Maybe creating some new and postive memories will decrease the sting of missing the old ones.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I've been thinking about what you posted and wondering what prevents you from reaching out to these friends?
This is an interesting question and one Ive been kicking around for a while. Originally, I felt like I reached out a couple times, and was met with essentially a blank stare. But, honestly...theyve pretty much all moved away at this point, so Im not sure a casual gathering is really in the cards. I occasionally like their FB posts and sometimes tag them in some of mine. But on the whole, I will need to consider if a next step is really worth it on my end.
So the other day, I watched the movie BAD MOMS, and I got incredibly angry about parts of the plot line.
Look. I get it. It's intended to be a satiric movie showing the struggles of parenthood, young marriage, etc. I know it's a comedy. I know it isnt intended to be taken seriously.
That said, there is a scene where the husband and wife go to couples counseling. By this time, the H had a PA and I think the W did too (though the extent isnt clear in the movie). In any case, the therapy session goes with both the H and W saying "I dont love you anymore" and the therapist says "I think all marriages are sacred, but you two need to get a divorce."
It's frustrating to me that this kind of thing is intended to be humorous. After 3 minutes in a therapy session, this person is suggesting that these two need to get divorced ASAP based on essentially nothing.
Maybe Im just tired of movies (especially COMEDIES) where people are having affairs for no reason - like The Intern. These arent things where people just heal immediately and all is well. To see it being taken so lightheartedly in mainstream cinema is frustrating and sad. While intended to be funny, it sends the message that divorce is easy and no big deal. In reality, it's an incredibly traumatic experience that takes more than a kiss from the cute guy to recover from.
I hear you Darknes! I also get frustrated by the depiction of relationships in movies, on TV and in books etc...
Really it starts from childhood - princes, happily ever after...and carries on through life. This experience has changed what I choose to watch. For example, I hate to see dramatisation and romanticising of extra marital affairs - ugh...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ive watched all of How I met Your Mother, and I was thinking today about one of the topics that my ex and I used to casually joke about. In the show, they talk about every relationship having a "Reacher" and a "Settler". The basic premise is that one person has found someone 'better' than they are and have 'reached' while the other person has found someone 'worse' but doesnt feel like continuing to search and has 'settled'.
I used to joke with my ex that it was clear I was settling due to certain characteristics, but it was a joke, as we both knew that I was clearly 'reaching'. My ex was very attractive, incredibly smart, funny, kind, etc, etc. Meanwhile, Ive always been shy, quiet, awkward, etc, etc. While Im sure it wasnt the show's fault that we broke up, thinking back on this concept, and this dynamic, I feel that by embodying this dichotomy, it led us to feel certain ways.
Feeling like I was reaching, I never felt comfortable in the relationship. I regularly felt unequal and felt like I had to compete to earn the love from my ex. I also remember thinking often that my ex might leave and could do better.
The problem is, that didnt drive ME to do better. Instead, it made me feel like I should hold more tightly, in order to keep that person at my 'level'. I frequently made jokes at the expense of my ex in group settings. I was terrible about celebrating personal and professional accomplishments. I was not good at offering words of affirmation.
Of course, it wont matter much for that relationship now, but it was enlightening to me to think back on that.
watched the movie BAD MOMS, and I got incredibly angry about parts of the plot line.
I agree. It seems to just drive the nail deeper into the coffin of society's mind. I wouldn't be all-to surprised if in the not to distant future that marriage would be looked down upon and almost done away with...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"My ex was very attractive, incredibly smart, funny, kind, etc, etc. Meanwhile, Ive always been shy, quiet, awkward, etc, etc."
"Feeling like I was reaching, I never felt comfortable in the relationship. I regularly felt unequal and felt like I had to compete to earn the love from my ex."
"The problem is, that didnt drive ME to do better. Instead, it made me feel like I should hold more tightly, in order to keep that person at my 'level'."
K, when I read your post, I see self blame. You also seem to have her on a pedestal. Perhaps she wasn't as kind and wonderful as you describe? Perhaps it was also HER keeping you at arms length? I think these dynamics have go in both directions because there are 2 people in any R.
It sounds to me as if she may have been the insecure one--whatever her part was in you feeling beneath her and ultimately she had an A and ran from the M--because if people have inner happiness and confidence, then they want the same thing for their partner.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
