A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[PacLove]

If it were me, I'd take it reeeal slow while your W makes this transition. No time limits, no ultimatums. Respond and maintain contact, be warm. But as long as she has contact w/ OM, the content of your conversation should reflect that reality, i.e., don't let your optimism push the conversation too far into the comfortable marriage territory.

But heck, what do I know....

Yup that's kind of the approach I'm taking... slow and basically allowing her to drive the process but at the same time trying to maintain my own self.

[PacLove]

One thing I struggle with - W used to go to great extents to spend time with OM, yet now she seems to be easily dismissing opportunities for us to get together. I guess this is just part of the process she needs to work through - I need to be patient and let her come to me - it's the whole pursuit vs. distance dance.

[Seeker7]

One other quick tidbit... they are likely seeking the advice and opinions of many others which tears at them and what they really want. The OM is a powerful force, as are their friends and their IC if they are seeing one. What is not a powerful force is us - they have made it clear they have no interest in our opinion right now.

My W shared with me that her IC was pushing her towards D as well as ending the A. But something inside her was fighting back against that.

Do you know if this IC is for marriage? Because one thing I have read from MWD in DR is to find IC or MC that are for M. Also have read it in many other places. I would put it as a boundary that she find someone who is for marriage and that will help her towards that. That is one of the boundaries that I will put into play if I get to the R part.

I agree with you that the OM has big space in her head and just like I have read on here it will be a long process for her to get over it. Just take it one day at a time and stand up for your boundaries so she can respect you for who you are. Now how to approach it is something that I am not to sure about but my thoughts are to make a suggestions on how you feel about that. Like "I feel like you should find xxx because it is something that I have learned for XXX who has helped save lots of marriages." When you put it in to a third person it takes it off of you that you know exactly what to do but instead it puts it on someone else who has a bunch of experience in that mater. IMHO It is about you being a man of of chivalry which is something women want in a man.

[PacLove]

Do you know if this IC is for marriage?

Oh he definitely wasn't and my W recognized that which is why we saw my IC when we agreed to see one together. She actually suggested seeing mine as she acknowledged hers would not be a good choice (That's a positive right?)

I've definitely been avoiding the you's and I's... and focusing more on feelings. But so easy to slip. I'm a romantic at heart so Chivalry comes fairly easily but I don't think she's too interested in that right now.

We are having dinner together this weekend, just the two of us. currently debating on cooking for her vs. eating out. She always enjoys my cooking but may feel uncomfortable in the house - going out is more neutral territory.

[Seeker7]

Yah good decision on the IC is a definite positive. That is a key part of the R process. Because he will be able to tell her things no one else can. And if she trusts them and opens up to them it will be a huge asset in a quicker R.

I agree totally on the you part but sorta conflicted on the I. Because if you say I and how you feel about something that can be a positive form some of the stuff that I have read. Because feeling is just like taste. Your entailed to your own likes. You tends to point blame, control and several other things. For example if I say you don't like that I truly do not know but if I say I don't like that no one is going to say the differ and accept it. Lie you can say I feel happy that is a positive. But if you can get away with not saying ether that probably is better at this point. Have a good time at your dinner and best of luck.

Small little habit are hard to change but practice makes perfection.

[Seeker7]

Also a man of Chivalry is much more then be a romantic. It is a man of good morals and principle and is willing to stand up for them. It is a man that does the next right thing and is not a doormat. It is some one that has a good character and willing to help other out in a time of need. It is a man that is willing to say no when it goes against his principles or would harm some one else. It is a man of character and a leader. Its is a man that is devoted to his W and willing to go out of his way to make her happy and feel loved. It is a man that is confident, poised, productive, assertive and self-directed. It is a man that is courageous and is willing to go out of his way to make the world a better place. It is much more than that. It is what turns women on the most in a man. It is a Alpha male. Women respect and desire a man like this the most. I read a book on it. Very insightful.

[PacLove]

Seeker7 yes you are right, no harm in "I feel" statements, it's the "I think" or "I wish" you got to watch out for...

I like your write up on Chivalry... its definitely something I struggled with early on and even recently when I was about to throw in the towel - it takes a lot of strength to stay faithful and honorable through this hole process with a huge dose of patience. I definitely have some regrets which we will have to get past through the R process.

BTW I don't think I've said it before but I wholeheartedly agree with your sig that "Love is a decision"

[Seeker7]

PacLove thanks for the complement on my signature. One other thing I wanted to talk about is something I was reading last night.

Yes you can be romantic and you have been romantic with her over the time she has left. Let me explain.

I always thought that romance was about the big things just like most other men. I thought it was how Hollywood showed it. Like a candle light dinner, rose petals to the bedroom with love songs, picnic on the hill top while watching the sun set and many other big things. Those things are all great especially when you are in a good loving MR going both ways. But how can you be romantic everyday. I know that if I bought my W flowers in the past she would see it a romantic but you can not buy her flowers every day because in a short time it would become non romantic and more of a nuisance.

I never looked at the small things that women see as romantic. It was because I did not know and just saw it as Hollywood's version. But it is much simpler than that. They even talk about it on here on suggestions to do. Romance to females is simple as opening the door for her when you go out, pulling the chair out at a restaurant, it is folding the cloths for her when she always does it, it is about taking interest in something she is doing that you usually don't, it is validating her feelings, it is paying complete attention to her when she is talking to you and the list goes on and on.

Like I read in your previous post you have read the book about making love deposits. Romance to females is as simple as that. Granted the big romantic stuff deposits more but the key is to just keep depositing love no mater what size it is and not taking out any withdraws.

When I read about this a light bulb went off. When my W said she was moving out I tried to do stuff for her that I normally never did. Like she always did the laundry and folded the cloths. So I thought that I would fold that cloths for her. She told me that she did not want me doing it. I thought I was just being nice and trying to help. But obviously she saw it a different way.

[PacLove]

Been rereading one of the books I have on A, the one about friends...

It stresses how important it is to be patient and show loving actions through my W's transition right now. She's still likely mourning the A and struggling to let go, and not quite sure she wants back in the M.

I've taken that advice and not being pushy but responding lovingly. A few months ago this might have appeared as her cake eating but knowing she's expressed interest on working on the R, I can only hope that this will show her the door is still open and welcoming for her to come home. It's a tough balance for sure - as if I show too much love, I come off as desperate and she may run.

[Seeker7]

I have not read any books on A but that is something I will look into more. Patients is the key and taking it at a slow pace. I'm just happy for you that it is heading in a positive direction. I will keep you in my prayers that everything keeps going in the right direction.