Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6]

[PsySara]

One thing that has been helping me recently with WH's sullenness and reframing is understanding that this is his journey and the best thing I can do is step out of his path and walk my own. When he is sullen and moody with me (which is a constant right now) I realize he is doing some internal battle. The fact is, if he was dead certain he would have filed by now. But he is not certain, there is doubt and I am doing my hardest not to add to his list of "cons." I stay upbeat and confident, gym running has helped me immensely with this respect.

My main goal for now is to diminish my reactivity. So when he comes home all sullen and grumbly I smile t him, greet him and then dive into playing with the kids. I am refusing to let him see my struggle right now, strangely enough my struggle has started to diminish. This week I have drive to his job (twice) to invite him for lunch and stopped myself as soon as I pick up the phone. This is an accomplishment for me. I pat myself on the back for resisting my desperate impulses to "prove" to my WH that I am worthy fighting for. The fact is, we love these broken people in spite of their mistakes, poor judgement and flaws. We just have to resist the urge to jump on the sword in an effort to save our marriages. Make small goals daily. For example, mine have been to resist sending useless texts to WH. Also to appear at my absolute best when WH and I cross paths each day.

[lt0402]

All-- thank you so much for your input in my thread. Every voice helps and gives me strength.

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally, and I'm sure I'll have more, but generally I think I'm doing OK.

I don't have any emotional hangups about getting all possible help. Right after BD, I did visit my primary care physician and did get some meds, some of which helped tremendously to get through the shell shock.

I did try snooping and some backhanded stuff but I learned quickly that all it does is backfire and eat away at my own sense of integrity. I know enough and I just don't want to live like that, wondering about what my W is doing. I cancelled my FB account.

My W does not spew really. She represses her anger towards me and generally behaves like a sullen teenager, often refusing to greet me and make eye contact.

I believe I have my boundaries figured out. If/when there is an OM, I will file immediately. With respect to finances, she has not been exploitive at all. And I believe we are roughly on the same page when it comes to division of property, but I understand things can deteriorate.

Her view is, I think, that she just married the wrong guy, and she's frustrated at herself that she doesn't have the financial means to divorce me easily and move on. She's also frustrated to a degree that I'm not helping her get the divorce. If it was anything else in our life, I would have, by now, researched the options, drawn up a plan, present her with options, help her choose, and execute that plan for her. I am not going to do that with the divorce. I can't.

But ... how long do I hold that position. MLC can last years. Especially if the roots of her MLC are entwined with very deep-seated psychological issues that started back in childhood. How many years can I survive in a loveless marriage?

My W has backed off the spew and now tries to repress everything as well FG. You've seen that in my thread. At some point though, I find myself wondering if they explode. I can't imagine it's possible to repress all of that forever. What that explosion looks like I don't know. But I do find myself trying to prepare for it.

You've also seen that my W is pissed I didn't just step aside and let her take my D, out house, our finances, etc. I agree with you about not aiding them in the process. I find my W relies upon my plan execution skills as well and she seems to have trouble executing her own. It's not fun to watch them stumble through this but we can't help them.

That said, I'm struggling with the same thing you are and that's time. It's finite and the uncertainty of if/when W will become rational again is weighing on me. At some point we are left with a decision ourselves. We are not powerless to be steered by their rudder. We have full control over this and can extricate ourselves whenever we deem appropriate. Toss in the kids, however and that equation becomes a lot more complex. For me, I know that if I exercise my option to end this, I'm in for a hell of a fight to get 50/50 with my D. Scares the sh&it out of me. But still I don't think we can allow ourselves to be infinitely subject to the brutal behavior and coldness of our Ws. Right now I don't have an answer for either of us but I can share that I know your pain and angst on this. It's not fun and you, JR, and I are fighting a similar fight. Again, there's comfort in knowing you are not in this alone.

Hang in there brother!

[ForGump]

Good thoughts, Sara.

Also to appear at my absolute best when WH and I cross paths each day.

I think I'm failing at this. We see each other first when we wake up, and I've got bed hair, crumbled jammies, crusty eyeballs, bad breath ....

[ForGump]

At some point we are left with a decision ourselves.

I feel like each day she and I remain separated, a small part of my heart dies.

That accumulates. Makes me wonder if one day I will wake up and have no feelings left for her.

[ForGump]

Had my first DB coaching session yesterday. She (the coach) definitely advised a softer, warmer approach than the anti-cake-eating, tough love approach we hear in the forum.

In fact, she said doing an in-house-separation is better than being physically separated. Quite a different message then the old, "there is no path to reconciliation through in-house separation." Her philosophy is that a solid friendship is the foundation of a good marriage.

I think I talked to much and we ran way over, but she was gracious about it. I did ask for and get advice about issues that are very specific to my situation, stuff that I haven't been comfortable airing here, so that was good. At this point, I feel I have nothing left to lose. So I'm going to go w/ 100% w/ the advice given by my coach, and see what works....

[JRuss]

That's what's been happening with me, FG. The feelings eventually start to follow the reality of the sitch. She has no romantic feelings for me despite my best efforts to remake myself, she makes it clear over and over, time after time, and, eventually, there was enough of that accumulated that even I started to see it for what it is (i.e., nothing worth having).

I was at first pretty much in abject, white-hot agony most of my waking moments. As the inhome sitch has progressed and become "the norm", and I've seen the behavior and heard what's been said, etc., I've slowly moved to where I can't even see any longer how or why I'd be with this woman absent a whole host of changes she in no way thinks she needs to make, other than because it *might* be better for the children. Given that the two of us can't really manage to go more than 2-3 weeks, tops, without a fight one or both kids witness or overhear, I got to the point where even the stay together/stay unhappy model makes no real sense. You guys seem more consistently cordial, though, so you may have reason to wrestle more fitfully with the "do I keep doing this, even though it makes me miserable" question.

[ForGump]

JR, to me, this is an object lesson in the concept/aphorism that love is made, not found. If my W treated me w/ warmth and affection, I think the feelings would regenerate and regrow quickly. There is a foundation of attraction, at least from me to her. (I believe there is some in the other direction as well, which is exactly why she has to fight it by being deliberately cold toward me).

The question is whether she wants to water the grass she's standing on ....

[ForGump]

p.s The DB coach did bring up the concept of resentment. Resentment piling up over the years. That was a provocative idea for me. I have been thinking about it.

I'm not thinking about just, "what did I do wrong" that caused her resentment. Not just looking to pin blame on me (nor her). I'm thinking about what part of our dynamic -- where/when were the friction points, where did our desires & wishes differ -- that would cause her to become resentful of our marriage, and have it subconsciously pile up. I think much of that was accentuated by her impulsive, passionate personality.

But it makes think about how I can diminish those friction points ... as a part of my nothing-to-lose DB ...

[Coly23]

Hey FG, glad the DB coaching went well. I got very similar advice when I had my coaching too.

I'm also trying to build my relationship/ friendship with my H before tackling the reconciling to the marriage issue. I said on my current thread that I understand that this wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea as the feeling on here is don't accept anything less than them crawling and begging to come back. IDK, that's a nice to have as far as I'm concerned so I'm no going to hold my breath, in the meantime my H has agreed to go 'out' with me once a week and has started to text me everyday if he can't see me. He hasn't come back home yet but we are in a much better place than we were a couple of months ago.

Interestingly when I re-read DR the advice in there is definitely not as harsh as some of the advice on here but what we've got to remember is that it's not one size fits all!

You sound excited with the advice from the DB coaches FG and your right, what have you or any of us got to lose!

((FG))

[Gordie]

In fact, she said doing an in-house-separation is better than being physically separated. Quite a different message then the old, "there is no path to reconciliation through in-house separation." Her philosophy is that a solid friendship is the foundation of a good marriage.

So now what do you think about in house separation vs physical separation? And remaining friends vs. I want to be your husband, not your friend?