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BillyHo Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2719815#Post2719815

Started working with a coach 2 weeks ago. I'm 6 months into this journey. W and I are communicating well and there is no animosity on either of our parts. I am hoping that we are building a friendship that could eventually be a foundation for R.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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*FIRST*

But seriously, I'm excited for you man. This $hit is tough and there are so many variables in play that make every sitch different from the next. It sounds like things are working in your favor and you are in a good place regardless of what happens next.

It's funny, bc I get a little jealous reading about your positive progress, wishing and hoping that it will be me someday who makes a post indicating that things are on the upswing. I'm sure there are a lot of us on the board that feel that way.

But it's also very inspiring and it gives us hope that things always get better, even if we don't necessarily get to the outcome we thought we wanted when we first started posting here.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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I had a IC session today and then a coaching session. The IC went well and he seemed to think I was doing great the way I'm dealing with things. The coaching session went well. We reviewed my letter to W and Leni said it was very good and she made no changes. Now I am to give it to her as soon as I am ready. In a way it will be a relief to give it to her and take ownership for all the things I could have done better in our M.

Leni had me make up a 4 column chart that will help me monitor W reactions to certain interactions. Also it will help me do 180s and see how they are received. She also said since I haven't been texting or calling her unless she initiates that I should once in a while send her a random good morning text to see how she takes it. She also said to be more mysterious and not to let her know what I'm doing all the time.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Loving all of this good news BillyHo. Keep hanging and hoping!


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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Quick update. W came by earl today so I could leave for work. As I walked out the door I handed her the letter and said I'm sorry. She asked what for and I said just read the letter after I leave and you'll understand. When I got home she brought S4 to my house since I have the boys this weekend. We chatted about what is going on this weekend and other things with scheduling. We finished talking and before she left she said "thank you for the letter". I said you're welcome and that was pretty much it. I have no expectations of it making a big difference but at least I know she will have no doubt that I understand my shortcomings in our M.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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Took a little time off from the boards to gather my thoughts. Nothing ground breaking has happened since my last post. I have seen W at least 5 times a week since the S. We are always nice to each other and have no trouble communicating. I have gone over my notes from my coaching session and I think I may adjust a few things. We talked about 180s and she is having me chart some and observe my W reaction to them. Most of these are going to revolve around me being a little less available. I am going to start to ask myself "is this something I really want to do or am I just doing it to make W happy?" She also said I need to be more mysterious and let her wonder what I'm up to.

I think the bottom line is I need to pull back some while still being friendly with my W.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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BillyHo,

Just be careful with the mysterious stuff. It's easy to take it a little too far and the next thing you know, you're cross-dressing and wearing wigs and hanging-out with biker gangs and stuff.

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BillyHo Offline OP
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Ah Doodler, you are a funny dude. You know, funny haha, not like a clown.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
So last night I was talking with a friend about my sitch. She was telling me not to be too hard on myself. I was saying that there were some things I needed to change about myself. She said don't change anything unless it's a change for yourself. Today thinking about the convo I realized I was putting all the blame on myself and wanting to change to get W back. I looked in the mirror and said you are a good man, a great dad and you were a great husband and anyone including my W would be lucky to have me. So it's time to stop waiting around hoping she'll come back and really start to GAL.
I still have a couple of small things I want to work on but my W is the one that gave up not me. I didn't do this to her and I can't fix it for her. I love her to death but I shouldn't be worried about her coming back she should be worried about losing me. If not now, one day she will realize that and the choice will be mine if she deserves a 2nd chance, not the other way around. It is on her that she is taking me for granted, not on me. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. Not sure if it will last but I feel great about myself right now.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 25
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Hi Billy - good for you ! Sounds like you are seeing your true value and have had it confirmed over this challenging time - I read this recently and it really hit home for me ....
"I had just picked up my 12-year old son from the former family home where he lives with his mother and was driving away when he noticed I was looking a little sad. We very rarely discuss what happened since the divorce, wanting to keep our time together light-hearted.
He said to me, "What’s up dad?"
I answered, "Daddy's a bit sad because I have lost everything son".
He answered with something I will never forget...He said, "You haven't lost those who love you, but the one who doesn't love you has lost YOU."

That's from a fantastic book I've just read and it really helped me to keep my sense of value when Inwas feeling down.


M 44/ W43
TOGETHER 26 YRS M16
S13/S10
ILYBANILWY JULY 16
STILL LIVING IN SAME HOUSE
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