My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[Chris73]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2724997&page=11

I didn't ask for a response nor did I sit around to wait for one. And I have to say that this felt good for me. It's certainly not the tough love approach that some of you are advocating and I respect that. But I think this works better for me right now.

I think we all here need to read the book and take the advice with an open mind...but then apply what we think is best for our situation, for ourselves...

I re-read the chapter on MLC in DR. The chapter is aimed at wives but MWD indicates that it can also apply to WAW. Many of the behavior descriptions in that chapter remind me of my sitch.

And here's the most peculiar thing...for the very first time I started thinking about how I might NOT want to try to save my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the way my W used to be. But it was clear through our interaction tonight that she's really changed, and not for the better. The selfishness that she disguises as her "new wide-awake self" is starting to show its true colors. She talks a good game, but I'm really starting to see that she's not thinking clearly. I also think that she drinks too much...This gave me some clarity and might possibly have been a moment when I detached a bit further.

Wow, I haven't gotten here yet; maybe that's why I'm having detachment issues.

It was kind of an "a-ha!" moment for me. It doesn't take away any of the sorrow and pain caused by her betrayal of the M, but it does feel like a bit of the load is off my shoulders.

[ForGump]

Chris, this kind of unflinching, clear-eyed look at your wife and your marriage is -- I think -- healthy for detachment, and to recognize that your old marriage is dead, and you have to decide from scratch whether you want to rebuild your marriage and how long you have to go. This is something I've hoped to attain for a long time, and some days I feel like I've made progress, and other days I feel hopelessly stuck in the past.

[Chris73]

Chris, this kind of unflinching, clear-eyed look at your wife and your marriage is -- I think -- healthy for detachment, and to recognize that your old marriage is dead, and you have to decide from scratch whether you want to rebuild your marriage and how long you have to go. This is something I've hoped to attain for a long time, and some days I feel like I've made progress, and other days I feel hopelessly stuck in the past.

FG. I don't know all the details about your sitch but just looking at your signature tells me that you've been through a lot of ups and downs. Going from a BD in November to a reconciliation for 6 months to another BD in April has got to put your emotions in a blender.

It's no wonder you feel like you're stuck in the past sometimes. You probably remember back to that first BD and reconciliation and wonder what you could've done differently or how you and your W can get back there again, it wasn't even that long ago. Right?

And believe me, I fully expect there to be times when that moment of clarity will feel minuscule compared to the horrible feelings of loss that will overwhelm me. But yes, I do consider it progress.

[Gordie]

Chris73,

Question for you re your time with the kids. You go in the morning and take them to school daily even though you are separated as this is your daily time with them. Your W allows you to continue to do this. In my situation, my special time with my kids is putting them to bed as I leave for work before they wake up in the morning. My W says I can continue to do this daily even after separation. Everyone here says that sounds crazy. What do you think?

[Seeker7]

Chris73 good for you on detaching more. When people in sitch like us the marriage is always dead and has no hope of ever being like it was because there were to many problems. The only hope is to start a whole new marriage with her on new morals and principles. Now on the drinking part you do believe that she is drinking to much and from personal experience that is a major issue. That only intensifies the sitch. Drink a lot only leads to drink more and more. It creates a very self center person that only cares about what they want. Now I do not know if she was drinking a lot before the OM but it does create a whole new level of fog. It really clouds the thinking on many different levels.

[Chris73]

Hi Gordie--

Actually, my schedule is more like yours. I'm usually out of the house before my kids get up in the morning. My W gets them to school every day. But I do make it a point to try to see my kids every day.

During the week my W works Tues/Thurs nights. So I get home early enough to make dinner for the 3 of us and then hang out with them until bedtime. On Mon/Wed/Fri I don't come home for dinner. I usually go to the gym after work and don't get home until about 8pm which still gives me a few minutes with them before they go to sleep.

Every so often I'll schedule something to do on those evenings and won't come home until later. But either way, the kids have dinner with just my W on those days. On Sat my W works all day, sometimes past dinner. I don't work on Sat at all so I have them all day to myself. Sunday is currently a family day. We might do separate things during the day but my W cooks dinner for all 4 of us that night.

This has worked out well so far, and honestly would probably be the schedule even if my W and I weren't separated (except that I would probably be home for dinner more often on M/W/F).

Saturday nights are a toss up, but if my W and I both have plans I can usually get my parents to watch the kids. This works out well for everyone bc my parents see my kids a lot less than they used to. My W's family is barely involved in our lives at all. Her mother was the one who would try to maintain regular contact with us, but she died 3 years ago.

If/when this separation evolves into a physical one with two different residences I expect this schedule will need to be altered, but not by much. My W and I have agreed that this schedule helps our kids adjust to the idea that they do things with her and me separately.

Obviously this is heartbreaking for me. The 4 of us have a great dynamic when we're together, and still do in spite of recent events. But I'm committed to the idea that the emotional welfare of our kids comes first. Ultimately I'm hoping for a reconciliation, but if my W doesn't have a change of heart, this family will need to be ready to face the process of breaking up. In other words, I hope for the best, but I plan for the worst.

I hope that answers your question.

[Chris73]

Now I do not know if she was drinking a lot before the OM but it does create a whole new level of fog. It really clouds the thinking on many different levels.

My wife has always ended her evening with a glass of wine for as long as I can remember (except when she was pregnant), and I never felt like this was a problem despite the fact that her mom was an alcoholic.

But ever since her "awakening" (which is just her positive spin on what is really just a selfish phase) she drinks more. Two or maybe even three glasses of wine some nights. She's very good friends with our next door neighbor who drinks a lot and they go out together often. I have no idea if the drinking is out of control since I don't spend much time with her anymore. My guess is that it's gotten worse and it's very worrisome since she has a family history of alcoholism.

At one point before our separation, when were both still trying to work on the marriage, I contemplated the idea of asking her to give up all alcohol for a week to see how it made her feel. But I never got a chance to introduce the idea before we separated. And if I broached the subject now I'd probably just come off as too controlling in her eyes. So unfortunately I have to leave it alone for now and see if/how it evolves. It's a scary thing to think about for sure.

[Seeker7]

Yes I would agree with you on leaving it alone because it would defiantly come off as controlling or pushy. One glass of wine a night is not a problem it is when it starts becoming more and more over time. That is the first sign of addiction. Because from me and all the people I have heard that is how it starts. Once it starts getting more and more it is progressive with out a consensus decision to stop. Alcoholism is something that can not be told to someone that they have and they say OK I think I do and will stop. It is a progressive and is very destructive. The waywardism is very similar to the alcoholism when it come to the brain. Like I read somewhere it tigers the same are of the brain.

[Gordie]

Obviously this is heartbreaking for me. The 4 of us have a great dynamic when we're together, and still do in spite of recent events. But I'm committed to the idea that the emotional welfare of our kids comes first. Ultimately I'm hoping for a reconciliation, but if my W doesn't have a change of heart, this family will need to be ready to face the process of breaking up. In other words, I hope for the best, but I plan for the worst.

Chris73,

Thanks so much. This is very encouraging. I'm glad that you and your W agree on this arrangement. It gives me hope that my W and I will be able to do the same. While I say that I won't stand in the way of my W's decisions, I also say that I'm not willing to give up seeing my kids every day. W has been agreeable, but some here have given words of warning that things will change when either of us get involved in another relationship. Have you and your W discussed what will happen in that future scenario?

[Chris73]

...some here have given words of warning that things will change when either of us get involved in another relationship. Have you and your W discussed what will happen in that future scenario?

Ha! No we haven't. I know it's naive but I'm not ready to have that discussion yet. It still remains to be seen that my wife is fully involved with OM2. She swears up and down that she isn't, but her actions tell another story. We've agreed to continue the in-home separation for another 6 months, so I'm hoping that we are both able to use that time wisely and act in the best interest of the family when that time comes.

My W still slips every so often...

We debated over how to decorate the house for Xmas and she said, "Well, just do it this way and if I don't like it, we'll do it a different way next year".

When planning for Disney we talked about some of the things we might not get to do this trip and she said, "Well, it's not like we won't go back again."

I know this "WE" word is dangerous. It could me her and the kids without me. It could mean all of us doing something as a family even though we're divorced.

Earlier this week my W took down the Xmas decorations and put the normal pictures back up on the mantle. Our wedding picture used to be front and center. Now it's nowhere to be found. This really hurt when I noticed it. But I'm keeping it to myself. Mentioning it to her is just pursuing.