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#2725044 01/10/17 03:52 PM
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010207 Offline OP
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I've been reading these posts for weeks now and am currently in the middle of reading DR. I'm still learning the abbreviations so please bare with me.

My back story: My H and I are high school sweethearts. Literally the day after our marriage I thought what did I do?! He was a completely different person. I was subjected to emotional and verbal abuse for years. Didn't matter what my weight was, I was too fat (I weighed less than 100lbs when it started). I didn't do my hair right, didn't clean good enough, didn't cook well enough. He thought I should cut my hair, and after I did it, what was I thinking I should have left it long. You get the point. This applied to every aspect of my life.

When I was pregnant with my 1st child, he had an online emotional affair. After giving birth to my 2nd child, another emotional affair. After a lot of research, I believe, as does he occasionally, that he is bipolar. When he's stressed is when he seems to become manic and my life becomes wretched. That being said, my M was never perfect even without that additional problem.

With all the criticism over the years I've just stopped everything. I exist just to get through the day. My H is a serious weight lifter and all that goes with it. I no longer work out. He always gave me a hard time when I went out with friends, so that stopped years ago and I really don't have any close friends any more. I've worked from home for several years now so I get very little contact with other adults. We live on a tight budget. My H enjoys spending money and with 3 kids needing things, there's little to nothing left for me. So I don't have a lot of clothes and what I do have is not the trendiest. Another bone of contention with him.

Over the years he's not so "abusive" but will still hint or make off hand comments. Or maybe its my perception of it. It's been years since he's even hinted that he thought I was attractive. I make it sound like its horrible and sometimes it is, but its not as bad as that. There's a lot of good too.

H is not a FB poster. Can't stand when people post selfies looking for attention. The day before Thanksgiving he posted on FB with his shirt off. Which for a man shouldn't be a big deal except I knew he was doing it looking for attention. I was upset, told him and he didn't care. Progressively over the next month he posted tons of selfies, pictures of women he finds attractive and engaging in conversations really not appropriate for a married man. It got to the point where things were being said to me about it and women were boldly hitting on him knowing he was married. I tried explaining how humiliated I was and hurt, he said it was funny and proceeded to block me. He's not overly social and not a drinker. In 26 years we've been to 1 non family party. He's recently been to 5 parties and meeting up with people at the bar.

We're still in the same house, still sharing a bed but no relations. Over the last month I would say we speak maybe 2 words to each other daily. I invited him to an activity with me this past Saturday. We went and it was ok. Definitely not the same as usual but better than the last couple of months. The rest of the day we were much more friendly. Sunday, new day and back to silence. Monday I get an email telling me he's contacted an attorney.

I made sure to be gone when he got home last night. When I got home, I explained we needed to find homes for our dogs because I have been unable to find an apartment that allows them. He said he thought I should keep the house. I told him we struggle together there's no way I can do it on my own. He got angry with me, stormed out of the house and didn't come back home until after 2am. I thought maybe that was encouraging. I thought maybe he was hoping I would keep the house and keep the door to reconciliation open. But first thing this morning he said I think we should do mediation instead. Told me he's been talking to his family and they gave him a name.

I've tried my best to go dark while still living together. It's not easy. I'm trying to GAL, but it's difficult with 3 kids and the few friends I have, have family of their own to worry about. I'm trying to act as if. Its the happy part I haven't been able to accomplish yet. I'll work on it.

I'm here because I need a sounding board. I need to talk to people who know what I'm going through. But most of all I'm scared and I really could use help


M:41 H:43
T:26yrs M:19 yrs
S:15 D1:14 D2:9
Living together but separated
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hi 010207. Your story is heartbreaking.

You deserve a ton of credit for enduring this situation as long as you have. I guess the most obvious question I would ask is what is motivating you to keep the marriage together? The story you have told of your marriage is mostly negative, which is totally understandable given the mood that you're currently in. But I have to wonder what the good parts of the marriage were and how long they lasted.

The title of your post is "never good enough" and if you were posting your story in a forum for emotional abuse, I would suspect that most of the responses would be in favor of a divorce. But you're posting your story in a Divorce Busting forum which indicates that you are still trying to make things work.

So this is a tough question to answer but do you think you're trying to keep the marriage together because you have become dependent on your husband or because you truly believe that the two of you have the potential to work towards an emotionally healthy relationship? No judgement either way, I'm just trying to the full picture.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 88
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Hey 010207,

I feel for you and what you are going through. I know this is a tough time and believe me that most of on here are going through it or have gone though it. Going dark during living together is almost impossible. My question for you is what is his level of involvement with the kids? Does he spend a lot of time with them or does he just let you deal with everything with them?

GAL does not have to be just going out. You can do many thing from home when you are with the kids. You can start a new hobby or do projects around the house that have been on the list for ever. A big reason for GAL is so you can get out of your head and active. I know it is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions but the more you stay busy the better you will feel over time.


Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.

Me:43 W:41
M:21
SS:25 S:19 D:18
BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16
W moves out 10/2/16
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
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010207 Offline OP
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Chris, your question is so hard to answer. I guess both. 2/3 of my life has been with him by my side. H and I taking on the world, ya know? We honestly do everything together which I know is unhealthy. I go to the auto parts store, he goes to the craft store. I used to be very independent, but going out alone is very uncomfortable.

I painted him in a bad light. While those things are true, he's more than that. When things are good, they are SO good. He's super funny and smart. He used to do little things like clean the snow off my car. 😊 He literally is the guy everyone wants to be friends with. Meanwhile I've turned into a wallflower. Maybe I've always been that way and he just "saw" me.

There are times when I think divorce is the right answer. I know what he wants and its not me. And there are times when I think, we just fit.

Seeker, he's never spent a ton of time with the kids. To his credit, he works a lot. When he gets home he's tired. Our kids are very active in sports which he does go to everything he can. I have 1 very difficult child. I love her, but she's the one I worry will get into a lot of trouble. When he's like this, he becomes very close to her. Gives her free reign. And she gets even worse. So disrespectful. My house right now feels so out of control.

This morning he told me we need to come up with money to pay the mediator. I don't have it. Can't pull it from nowhere. He asked if we could go out to dinner to figure it out. I can't sit in a restaurant and discuss dismantling my life.


M:41 H:43
T:26yrs M:19 yrs
S:15 D1:14 D2:9
Living together but separated
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
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010207 Offline OP
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I guess what I've failed to say before is that I love my husband. I have since I was 15 years old. And like everyone else here, I am desperately trying to find a way back


M:41 H:43
T:26yrs M:19 yrs
S:15 D1:14 D2:9
Living together but separated
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2017
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010207 Offline OP
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Good advice. Thank you ☺


M:41 H:43
T:26yrs M:19 yrs
S:15 D1:14 D2:9
Living together but separated
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Hi 010207. Thanks for sharing the additional information. I know that it feels like posting on here helps to unburden yourself a little bit but it also takes courage. And I commend you for that.

Since you have stated that you're committed to saving your marriage, I think most of us will give you advice that can help with that goal. However, if there really is abuse (physical or emotional), I think all of us would advise that you're better off leaving.

It's good that you're able to remind yourself about the things in you M that were positive and happy. You and your H have a long history together. If he plans to continue being an involved parent he will always be in your life to a certain degree. You can use this to your advantage.

I would suggest that trying to do a 180 might help. After 26 years it's safe to say that your H has gotten to know you pretty well. So think about all the ways that you and your H interact (or have interacted when you weren't separated), and try your best to notice the patterns of your behavior. If he started shouting at you, would you yell back or back down? If he was distant would you try to pursue him or leave him alone? Whatever the situation, ask yourself, "What does he expect me to do?" And do something different.

You mention that you've become a wallflower over the years and that you don't have many friends. So you'll need to change that. Start doing things for yourself. Even if finances are scarce there are things you can do that cost very little (or nothing) that will help you shift the focus back to yourself. I know you're reading DR, but go to your local library and borrow some books that focus on self-help, whether they be spiritual or just psychological. Read up on mindfulness meditation and rent a Yoga video and start practicing both of those every day. Check out the meet up website and see if there are any groups in your area that seem interesting and go to one of their functions. You might make some new friends.

Once you start doing this, you might not see any signs of change in our relationship with your H. But that's ok because you need to make these changes for yourself anyway.

The hardest part in all of this, and the thing that I still struggle with is detachment. This takes a lot of strength and patience and sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". I am still very much in tune with my W's every word and action and it affects my thoughts and behavior. If I could fully detach, this wouldn't happen. I am not there yet, but I'm making progress.

I hope this helps. I am still very new to this board and there are a lot of vets that can help with more of the details, but I think the overall message is the same. Read the DB/DR books, stop pursuing your H and make changes to your behavior that are not consistent with what he expects, and start doing things for yourself (aka GAL).

I hope this helps. Hang in there!


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hello 010207,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Now would be a good time for you to focus all of you time, effort and energy into being the best 010207 that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your kids.

You mentioned that you work from home. Is it possible for you to do your work outside of the home occasionally? Instead of going everywhere together, could you go to the craft store alone to pick up a new project? Is there a reason that you don't work out/exercise?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Last edited by Cristy; 01/11/17 02:28 PM.

A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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