So picking up where things left off, not a lot to report. Present plan is still to divorce this summer so the kids have some time before school starts back up to get used to their new lives shuttling back and forth. I'm keeping the current home for a year so S10 can finish his last year at his current school, then I'll sell it, and we'll split the proceeds. W will need to file in about 90 days or so to keep us on that schedule due to a 90-day required "cooling off" period between filing and final decree. I'm not going to do that for her but am working on detachment so it isn't any harder or traumatic when it happens than it needs to be.
Our kids know it is happening but not the exact timing. My S10 is struggling with it, and I may end up seeing about getting a child psychologist to work with him for a bit; my D13 seems more "ok" with it -- a lot of her classmates are in divorced families, and I don't think she's as fearful. Not sure what to do there other than to tell them they can always talk to me and stay on top of them, watching for any downturns. Any advice form those who've had to do this would be greatly appreciated.
I'm not sure I'm in the right place ("newcomers") here, anymore, since I'm not really actively trying to bust the divorce any longer. I do like keeping in touch with everyone who's been so great for months supporting me, though, and hopefully I can give something back to those maybe just getting into this awful process.
I feel better than I have in a long time. Which maybe isn't great when viewed in isolation, but when I look back and remember just how low I was, it feels good to have weathered that. I like myself a lot more now than I have in several years. Still a work in progress.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JR I think there'd be a lot of value to putting your son in front of an IC. I know if my W and I D that will be one of the first things I do. It seems to be really tough on our kids and having someone to talk to who can make sense of things can only help.
It makes me very happy to know you're feeling better about yourself my friend. You have walked a long road and I know how tired you must be at this point. You just need to continue putting the focus on your kids and yourself. Let W push this thing forward if that's what she chooses. I'm with you and FG though, in that I'm not willing to help her in it.
You also say that you're no longer actively DBing, but by finally getting some detachment that may be the best DB of all. If there's one thing I've come to learn from all ours sitches it's that you never know what will happen. You may be surprised by what detachment brings you. Stay strong brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Thanks, lt. Just catching up on your sitch, and I continue to be amazed by your patience in the face of behavior that would have long, long ago broken me and driven me to the hills. I'm pulling for some relief for you -- it just seems constant, almost minute by minute for you in terms of the testing and picking and all the rest. You stay strong, too!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
So W picked this AM, right before the kids needed to get up and start getting ready for school, to fire up the "we need to move this D forward and get it done" conversation. I had known this was coming, had steeled myself to be calm and collected when it came, but I ended up being really put off balance given the timing. I was just enjoying a cup of coffee before the big Friday AM push to get the kiddos to their respective schools. So I reacted poorly, and we got into it, cut the fight off to get the school drop-offs done, then reconvened back at the (now empty) house to continue where we left off. It was a long, painful walk back through all of how we got here (always amazed at how wide the gulf is in terms of how we each see our sitch, why our M is dead, etc.), but it eventually swung around to pretty dispassionate negotiations on how we're going to go about dismantling our life together and divvying things up. We both missed the entire morning at our respective jobs, but we did pretty good I think to essentially have an agreement completely banged out before lunch.
She'll be filing in two weeks or so, and we'll be divorced in late April/early May. 50/50 custody, which was my one real boundary I would have gone to the mattresses over, but she is fine with that and has no interest in fighting that.
I tell you -- you can think you're prepared, you can practice how you think it might feel, but you just can't ever be fully emotionally "ready" to have that conversation where you negotiate like business people how 20 years together will get taken down and chopped up. It is brutal. It is dehumanizing. It is the opposite of love and hope and joy. I want to crawl into a hole, cover myself up and just check out for a really, really long time. I feel more tired than I've ever felt in my life.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I'm sorry for what you're going through. My H has everything all planned out in his mind how things will go down so I don't think he even plans on having this conversation with me. But the minor things we do discuss are devastating.
D is like a death. Even knowing it's coming is so painful, mentally and emotionally draining. I hope you can take some time for yourself and find at least a moment of happiness in your day.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
JR, so sorry man. Just reading your post makes me want to go jump off a bridge. (Don't worry, I won't, because the duty and love I feel toward my kids is a ton greater than anything I ever felt for myself).
It's trauma, period. Hell, it's a full set of traumas. All the bomb drops and all the mini-bomb drops in between. I feel like a tortured rat, in some cruel Pavlovian lab test, where the light turns on and you know the electric shock is about to come. That's how I feel every time I open my email. I scan the inbox for an email from my W, because I know it's a bomb. A daisy cutter, her words throwing themselves about just shredding my heart to ribbons. I would be luckier to just get a big fncking tomahawk from a UAV death machine circling my life above me.
Just survive, my friend.
You deserve better.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
S I tell you -- you can think you're prepared, you can practice how you think it might feel, but you just can't ever be fully emotionally "ready" to have that conversation where you negotiate like business people how 20 years together will get taken down and chopped up. It is brutal. It is dehumanizing. It is the opposite of love and hope and joy. I want to crawl into a hole, cover myself up and just check out for a really, really long time. I feel more tired than I've ever felt in my life.
Going through this now also...so true, so true...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
JR, I am so sorry you're going through this brother. That back and forth today just sounds deflating. I can see how it'd be exhausting and demoralizing. FG is spot on about the angst of how and when the next unexpected mini BD will come. It's so hard to be in a state of readiness 24hrs a day and that in and of itself can be exhausting as well. I'd bet you did a better job of handling it than you think though.
I am very happy to hear that you all agree on the 50/50 custody piece. Your kids are key here and will need you strong and ready to guide them through this. Remember that you are their rock and they will look to you for stability. You have fought and continue to fight the good fight and should be proud of yourself for weathering this. Stand tall and know that you are doing what is right.
All that said, we are here for you and know what you are feeling. Stay strong brother. You are a strong man and you'll get through this trough in the roller coaster. Here for you bud.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
JR, do the divorce negotiations ratchet up whatever ... tenseness or negative vibe you have with your wife? Maybe this is an obvious point. But I find myself dreading talking to her about it. Maybe that's why people let lawyers duke it out. Maybe that's why people do it after they've physically separated. It's hard to ratchet up the hostility when you're living together.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
