Hi Gordie, Roist and KML - nice to hear from you all and thanks for the input. Appreciated.
Roist - h refuses to use GPS systems. Must be some hard wiring from the primitive days of "I am not lost! I don't need directions."
KML - On my hotel away on BD, I inadvertently made myself look like I was having an affair. I was 30 minutes up the coast from where I live. I mentioned my kids to the front desk woman and of course I had a wedding ring on. She asked what the reason was for my visit and I said I was just away from home for work. Then she asked for my license which had my 30 minute away address on it. Doh!
It was awkward. I was tempted to show her my before and after BD picture to ask: who would sleep with me?!? Look how I've aged in 1 year!!!!
Just a quick post.
On the weekend h asked the boys to go do x with him and reverted back to the pretending I wasn't in the room. Okey-dokey. He didn't invite me along.
The next day from the hall, without making eye contact he said I could come along unless I had my own plans. (Looks like he waited TO invite me until I had my own plans). As he said the word "plans" he made what appeared to be a lassoing motion with his wrist. So I asked what that meant. Does he think I am going to wrangle cattle?
He said "I don't know." And kidded "go do whatever it is middle aged women go out and do for fun." (So I guess he was giving me a whoop it up motion?)
I was ready for him and said that thankfully I've come to terms with my age and I'm enjoying it in a peaceful, dignified way. I managed to say it with a smile and a lightness even though I wanted to clobber him with my purse. He is years older than me! And he's trying to make me feel like some random middle aged woman out there?!? Anyway, I didn't go with them. I needed the break. So I told him to enjoy!
There are moments where he helps the kids in surprisingly "old h" ways. I practically hurt myself running over there to validate those moments.
Point is: he is beginning to initiate doing some things with the kids. And on a weekend? Now, THAT is a first in a lonnng while.
As for me? I am pretty busy as I am working more hours.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
***And kidded "go do whatever it is middle aged women go out and do for fun."
He is obviously not in his right mind. No man in his right mind would kid about that to any woman...no matter his relationship to them.
It is crazy how they are truly in some far away dimension. My W is no longer at home, so most of the craziness I don't get to see first hand. I cannot imagine what the live-in LBS feels. It must be totally overwhelming at time. You seem to be a very strong person and are handling things great.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Growing up I often heard the expression that life begins at 40. I used to think it was "old"people trying to make themselves feel better about being" old". I suppose historically speaking people got married and had kids in their early 20s and when those kids reached adulthood/ maturity the parents tended to be around 40.
Nowadays I think we have kids later but mlc can replace the empty nest phase. Where I live now it is literally translated as the crisis of the 40's.
But all of that is a side note on what I planned to say. Most people can remain relatively healthy and active into their 70s and beyond. I am sure the stresses accumulated over the last few years may have taken affect on you but you are not old. I'm saying this to me too. Ultimately we decide how we are going to live. I want a better more full filling life and I know I will achieve that. Our situations do restrain us but we really do have the power to minimise that and live fuller.
At times in the past I have felt this restriction due to my M situation.It was oppressing. I was growing and I felt this was containing me. Now I no longer feel that way. Either the cage has expanded of I have learned that I placed most of the bars in that cage myself. Either way I feel I can do so much more regardless of my situation. Although I am at this 2.5 years in some ways I feel I am only starting to really grow. I am excited for where it will lead me. I wish the same for you.
Those being ignored moments are terrible. At least you have a sanctuary by having your own room and H hides most of the time in his. Still they do feel disrespectful and it is. But what helps me is believing it is not: intentional nor personal against me even though she is v affectionate with our kids. But she is doing the best she can, just as your H is. Believe that.
As you well know his comments about being middle again d stem more from his insecurities about it rather than his assessment of you. I admire you resisting the urge to clobber him but instead respond lightheartedly with a smile. Not reacting negatively greatly improves interactions or at least prevents them getting worse. Just as powerful is not letting it affect you and when it does to be able to shrug it off quickly. Your thread is a great example to newbies and everyone else on how to do those things.
My W hates GPS too. I used my phone one on a recent trip. My W is usua a very good co-pilot (at least for map reading and giving directions, not so much for criticising my driving- oh I have so much room to improve!!)But the last time we took the trip we missed a turn and added an hour to get back on track. I was proud to not criticise my co-pilot and remained calm. The GPS did give some directions last minute but never sent us wrong the whole weekend. W changed her usually critical opinion of GPS being crap to just her still not liking them!! I explained to my phone not to take her comments personally. Haha.
With BD anniversary looming, are you going to repeat your getaway weekend? Maybe before you needed it and now you don't. But I am sure a mini break would be great for you to recharge.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I forgot to mention I was pleased to read H is more and more involved and active with sons. I hope that over time that will continue and become consistent. Yes do praise him for this, but don't hurt yourself tripping over something as you sprint over to validate.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist - what you wrote about our situations restraining us resonated with me. It's something I've been thinking about quite a bit. How do I carve out more of a life for myself within this situation? How do I plan a future? Lately, I often feel unsettled.
It's been a rough week. My dog was sick through a night. Poor guy. I was up all night, on the hour, with him. Then s11 got sick. Then s13. Then? Yep, me. I am running a sleep deficit.
Things have been quiet with h. A few snide comments. The other night at dinner he came in and turned on the light over the kitchen table. I joked and asked if he was ready to see the delicious meal I'd prepared. In an angry way he said he was checking to see if I was trying to poison him (by adding things to which he's allergic). I said, with a shrug, "well, now that is awfully paranoid of you." He didn't respond. He was huffy.
A few times he's mentioned some old memories fondly to the kids. A few funny stories about when they were young.
He sent me a message letting me know what he's going to be eating from now on. Looks like he's back on the teenage girl diet. I googled some of the newest things he's introducing into his rotation and most of them seem to help with youthful appearance. He's back on that. And overall, it's so low calorie. He's going to be cranky from hunger. I am going to bake cookies and all sorts of things to test his will.
He's in his room a lot; same as it ever was. I don't know how he can stand so much time in that confined space.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I am so sorry to read that all of you have been sick except your h. I hope you and your family are feeling better today.
Your h is in deep replay and is still looking for the fountain of youth. No matter what he tries, he's aging each and every day...poor man! Fix whatever you want and have the aroma drifting around the home. He's mouth will be watering and it won't take long for him to want some of what you've prepared. LOL!
As for him being in his room. He's either sleeping, on the computer, listening to music or just staring at the 4 walls. They can be very content being in their safe haven. For us, this would drive us nuts...but not them.
Please take care of yourself and I do hope you are feeling better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm back on track on your thread and you seem as strong as usual!
I admire your sense of humor! I think many times trying to react in a humorous way has helped my mental stability! But I have to try hard since I don't have the knack of it as you do!
Thanks Marye. It's nice to hear from you and thanks for the kind post.
Job - on the subject of deep replay, tonight while we ate a proper dinner, h had a bowl of icecream.
It's been an odd week here. I feel like all these shifts took place, like plates beneath the earth. And weird as it was when it was all happening, once it passed I came to an even more settled landscape.
The week started with me, out of the blue, thinking maybe this wasn't MLC. It's been so long now that I thought maybe this is just who he is now. Then I re-read the stages of MLC and talked myself off my own mental ledge.
Next I just got so sad that, because this has been going on so long, this is probably how my kids will remember their father "is." And that bummed me out to my core. This shapes their childhood memories so much.
After that, for a few days, I found myself wondering why he hasn't given me his resignation papers. Years ago he said he was going to get a place and start sleeping around. It seems like this was something he felt he really needed to do and I was waiting so long for it.
And the week capped out with me having a spurt of anger over so much of what he's done to all of us. How he's altered the landscape of our lives so very much. I wanted to say something to him; ask him to get himself together--get a grip.
Then after all that I had moments where I thought I should do more. But what? He kicked me to the curb and then basically wrote me a (really weird) power point presentation on the stupid things I needed to do to fix the whole marriage single handedly.
Sometimes I wonder if I am even being a lighthouse? I try to remember that doing nothing is doing something.
Anyway, it's been a mental gymnastics sort of week here. But after it all passed I do feel like I hit more solid ground. I deserve so much more than this. While I know that, I feel myself really believing it in a whole new way. It's some sort of shift that has been cemented after all the turmoil this week.
A couple quick h updates. He helped kids w/homework this week. A first in a long while. So I thanked him. His immediate response was a cantankerous: "I didn't do it for you" (complete with a scoff). Me (very lightly): "well, I know that but it happened to save me time so thanks."
What a punk.
Last night I said something that made h laugh and he laughed in a way I have not seen in years. It went on and one in his old way. Then when he stopped minutes later he laughed all over again. And his eyes danced.
He was showing me something and had to adjust my legs to explain. It is the first time he has happened to touch me since Christmas. I felt nothing. It was neither awkward nor painful. That made me sad. Just nada.
As h shifted something I saw him looking at a photo album. I would think he'd have to see how happy we all were. But probably he was only looking at himself and lamenting the degree to which he's aged.
And today in the kitchen, he asked if I was feeling better. I said yes and he said he could tell. I said he was lucky he didn't get it. He said he did and that the sore throat was bad, but he never lost his voice. Truly, it felt like a conversation with a co-worker. Polite, civil but absolutely nothing more. Monday morning water bubbler talk.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I know what you mean when talking about the kids memories. I'm always pondering this. I don't want them to think it okay to just walk away from a marriage/problem (especially when we weren't having marriage trouble that I know of), I don't want them to think what w has done/is doing w/herself is normal, and I don't want them to think our current situation is either. What can one do? They're going to remember her dragging them off and that she leaves town ever other week.
You're h's response to the homework sounds like my w. She can't take a compliment from me at all. I think it is counter to their illusion of how terrible we are.
Maybe we can start a MLC diet book. W informed me last week she was now only eating hard boiled eggs and nothing else....great, lol. I immediately thought of your post about the low calories and being moody.
Glad you're feeling better and on solid ground again. And yes we all deserve better, it's a shame our MLcers can't see how lucky they could be.
HaWho, Your h is taking very small baby steps He's helping the kids w/their homework and he inquired as to if you were feeling better. These are steps in the right direction. You have to look at the whole picture and I can see some improvement in his behavior once in a while. Far, far different from a year ago.
He knows that he's in a safe environment and you've not put pressure on him to straighten up. He's comfortable in his dorm room and the only way that I see him moving out is if you put a lot of pressure on him or start getting on him, i.e., like a mother would do. You've keep your home relatively calm, quiet and safe. Unless that changes...he's there for the long haul.
All you can do is guide your boys and show them the unconditional love and compassion you have for them and their father. They are very much aware that something is off w/their father and hopefully this will not be something that they will be harmed by because you've been the strong, lighthouse for them as well.
Keep up the good work. Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring him an Easter Egg that will bring him good tidings and help him get himself together and return to the land of the living.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
