Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
mleigh4 #2726737 01/22/17 03:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
HaWho Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Thanks Pax and MLeigh. Funny, now that you mentioned it, I went back and realized many of h's "fixes" lasted about 6-9 months. Remember the buying up spare car parts!! Ugh. The latest is he is back to buying all sorts of junk to spruce up his room. Three packages alone came on Friday.

Yesterday I woke up and all this MLC craziness flashed before my eyes. It all went through my mind: the anger, the loser friends, the avoidance, the paranoia, etc. It was like one of those flip books.

The morning started out okay until s13 mentioned something very derogatory that was said about a girl. Lots of objectifying language. H was in the room and I came down like an anvil about it. I reminded s13 that the girl is way more than how she looks; she is someone's daughter, sister, granddaughter, etc. and that boy should know better. (I had just read something by Brene Brown that said the worst thing you can do about body shaming is give it the silence it needs to grow.)

H tried to lighten the situation and I went in deeper. I know he knew that this talk could apply to him, too. And I meant for it to do so. He's been so superficial in MLC; it's nauseating. I do think my own hurt and anger surfaced in the talk. I tried to examine this and whether I should have been more neutral. Am I over emotional on this issue now? But I decided I don't really care. It's just wrong.

H retreated to his room and sulked the whole day. Just like old times. Maybe I went in too hard but having faced a lot of his superficiality, he needs a major re-direct in this area. And s13 received the same lecture as it's best to nip this in the bud. Wrong is wrong.

Speaking of superficiality, h saw his old friend this week. He joked he was going to see how much more he had balded since he last saw him. I texted back that this was indeed very deep of him. He joked back but he really needs some growth in this area. He is stuck. Sometimes I feel like I am about to say something I will regret.

He also told us how much he felt he's aged these last few years and how x person's wife said she felt the same. Groan. He had the classic line that he realized he was old when he was with a similarly aged friend and deduced if that friend was old, he must be, too. I just turned the elevator music in my head up.

The rest of the day he ignored me completely. He was back to pretending I wasn't in the room, talked only to the kids, etc. I know the beat to this song and dance.

Later in the day, I remembered this party we were at 20 years ago, and this married guy who hit on of one my friends who was significantly younger than him. He used a really sleazy/cheesy line and everyone laughed about it for forever and a day. Everyone at the party knew he was married! I reminded h of it and said the guy had made such a fool of himself. H did not laugh. He once knew this was a foolish thing for a married 55 year old man to do; it was such a colossal cliché. Now? H was testy and told me he was tired of this women's lib. day. (I knew he was sore about that morning talk, too.)

Here's a doozy. We ran out of paper and I asked s13 to ask h if he had any. H asked him how many sheets he needed and then counted them out. Geez.

The kids had plans yesterday and I spent the day off by myself. In a book store I stumbled upon this article about the importance of intimacy for human health. I knew one paragraph in I should have stopped reading it but I just had to find out all the ways I was being short changed. It was a drainer of a read.

I cheered myself up by taking a long walk and talking to dog owners.

Today h is still a bit sulky but a touch better than yesterday though.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2726752 01/22/17 08:16 PM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
K
Kyh Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
Hi Hawho, kudos to you on nipping you s's comments in the bud. The last thing the world needs is another objectifying/superficial person and I think it's great you corrected your s, he will remember that and be a better person. Our mlc spouses certainly aren't good role models in that area. I can't believe some of the things I've heard my w say.

I hear you on the getting old/aging talk, it's so ridiculous. It's become commonplace for my w now, even talking about people only 5 years older than us, lol. The other day the was looking at me weird then rushed towards me. Omg, what could it be? I thought I had a spider on my shoulder. Nope, she said "I thought I saw a gray hair but it was just the sun."

As always I enjoy your posts, you are an inspiration for me to keep digging for patience though this.

Kyh #2727187 01/25/17 11:56 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
Hi HaWho!

Good for you standing up for that young girl. You are setting a great example for S13.

Your H and my H should get together. They can complain about getting old in each other's company and spare us the agony of listening to them. With my H, I figure if he is actually boiling over and giving a voice to those complaints, then the chatter in his head must be a thousand fold. How miserable they must be coming to grips with the reality that they aren't going to be 25 forever.

Like Kyh, I wanted to let you know that I admire your strength and patience. My H has recently started the whole business about talking to everyone in the room besides me. I find it utterly frustrating and infuriating. You are handling it beautifully.

FightOn #2727192 01/25/17 12:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I think it was right to weigh in on the objectification issue. And yes, some of your own hurt may have come through - but you have been hurt and are human - and so be it. If one is going to write letters like that to people, they do have an impact...

I've been thinking about the objectification theme lately and a few friends of mine are active on dating sites and apps. I'm sure sites really vary, but some of the main ones sound to very much have an objectifying culture - for both genders. I really don't like it...

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you HaWho xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2727728 01/29/17 09:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
HaWho Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Thanks KYH, Fighton and Sotto. Good to hear from you all.

Oh, onward marches the obsession with aging. Here's a conversation h and I had recently. We are all in the kitchen together. I have a box of cereal out and I ask h if he wants some, too. H: I don't know (very Eeyore-like). Me (confused): you don't know if you want cereal?!? H (very serious): I am too old to make the decision.

He is quiet over here. I don't see any anger surfacing. But he seems very aware of the kids. He pays attention to where they are, when will they be home, etc. And he is parenting again with a new awareness. S13 is starting to test boundaries and thankfully h provides backup: determining when S13 needs to be home and backing me up when I set ground rules.

But here's an oddity. One night, before a bath, h asked if we had any goggles in the house! S11: "why do you need goggles for the bath?" H: "because I remember it being fun to look at the water with goggles." I hand him the goggles and he trots off to the tub, sloughing off s11's giggles.

I am helping s11 with homework and above us we can hear h in the tub! It sounds like we have a mermaid in there. S11 and I can't stop laughing at the noises as we imagine what else could produce those sounds.

Lately he is making "points." We were in the driveway about to head out in his car when I realized I had left my wallet in my car and my keys back in the house. I asked h if he could open my car so I could grab the wallet. He made a point of saying I was lucky he had the key to my car as he normally does not keep it on his chain. (And for a while I noticed he had removed it and assumed it was for his double life.) I guess the point he's making is: I am separated from you.

Then days ago we were in the car and h had made a cover of a song I happen to like. He probably knows I like it but he likes it, too. I told the boys I liked the song a lot. H must have thought I was fishing to see if the song was for me. Hah! He started to say that the ONLY reason he covered the song is because it happened to be tuned perfectly for this song and so he played it. Got it! You don't want me getting any ideas that you're thinking of me. I wanted to say: I know it's not for me because I am waaaay too old for you.

Other than that he is in his room. Yesterday, I wanted to go in there and scream: DUH! You are depressed!! Go get some meds.

As for me? I found a new, better job. I start tomorrow. I am nervous.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2727729 01/29/17 09:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Congratulations on the new job! You'll do just fine...just be yourself and remember...DB those that pluck your nerves! LOL!

Your h is going one step forward and two steps back. Interesting how he is obsessed w/aging. Time doesn't stand still for any of us and he better come out of that room and start enjoying life before it's too late. He reminds me of a hermit at times.

Enjoy your day and continue enjoying the things you love to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2727730 01/29/17 09:54 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
Congratulations on the job!


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose888 #2727734 01/29/17 10:24 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
Congratulations on the new job, HaWho! You'll rock it. New opportunities tend to bring in new energy and excitement. I hope you are able to enjoy it and let it invigorate you.

Sorry about your h. I agree with job... It's going to be a rude awakening when he realizes that time hasnt stood still the last few years. I guess on the plus side, He's clearly moving through some motions. The way you describe the situation... I can see there are moments of lucidity. He tends to be straddling the line between living in the present and the past. Maybe one day, he'll finally walk through the door and leave his childhood issues on the other side.

Wishing you a lovely week!


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2727850 01/30/17 12:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 215
Congrats on the new job!

Hope your first day is going well.

FightOn #2727917 01/31/17 04:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
I for one would like to know more about this job!!!! Congratulations! Were you looking or did it just come about organically? I know you're nervous but what makes you excited about it? Let us know how the first day goes xoxoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard