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#2724663 01/08/17 03:10 PM
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Link to my last thread found here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2724442&page=1

Even though I am still sick I am taking down all the Christmas decorations today. It is sunny and 75 degrees here and it makes me feel like it is July. And that freaked me out given h's recent request. I couldn't take it anymore with tissue in hand, I de-assemble.

I started small so he would see the boxes. He didn't say a word. Then later he came in, looked at the tree and said he guessed it was done. I joked it was begging for Dr. Kevorkian.

I was impressed he was ready to let it go given his issues with the holiday. Last year he practically had a tantrum.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2724717 01/09/17 02:25 AM
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Welcome to your new thread.

I have not much to say that will help you. I think it is good that H is sharing his issues with you. It is great that he is comfortable enough to do so. Some depressed people share such stuff because they are feeling sorry for themselves and want others to do so as well.

In your place I would probably review my validationphrases to be sure to have appropriate ones if he opens up again. Maybe you are better at validation than me, but no harm improving it. He needs to feel heard.

Realising he went through such tough times and is again can only help you.Feel empathy for him but not pity.

Also it has to help to know there is a reason/an identifiable cause for his mlc. Most lbs never know why this happened.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2725416 01/12/17 03:18 PM
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Thanks Roist. That is very good advice.

So, I am finally on the mend over here. H has been very helpful and each day asks if I feel better. (Probably he hopes I will worsen so he openly can chase down other prospects.)

Each day he has been preparing this nutritional drink for all of us. Last night he personally delivered it to me. It was sweet but boy did he look sheepish. Truly, he looked like a teen who was forced to pitch in despite the fact that it was all self-initiated. I praised and ohhed and ahhhed.

A few days ago we were both in the kitchen. H asked how I felt and other than that there was silence. It was awkward. It often is. Then minutes later, via text, from down the hall, he offered to do a few things as I was still sick. So I sent a text back and accepted but told him he was going to get fat by texting from down the hall vs. walking out to speak. He texted back and said he was tired of staring at the back of my head and that texting delivered more of a response! Hmm. He notices that I don't pay him too much attention?!?

So I said I did not mean to be rude but just assume he wants to be left alone as he is almost always behind a closed door. He responsed that he likes talking to me provided I don't act crazy or jump on his every word. (Maybe I did this during my depression?!?) Or maybe he's projecting. In any case, he had a moment where he remembered he does enjoy my conversation and he admitted it. I will try engaging him in more conversations and see how that goes.

He had to take care of a financial issue for me and was like his old self about it. Very easy going. It is something he would have freaked about over the summer. Afterwards he texted me and told me he was my night in shining armor. I praised and validated. He told me I needed to bake x for him. I said sure.

I assume he is temp checking.

The other day he returned home with his shoes in hand. s11 asked him why. H seemed flustered. He was over explaining. I think he was worried about how it looked to me. (Like he'd been chased out of some woman's house or something.) I never heard the whole story; just didn't care. I was up the stairs as he was talking. I realized he could be out front in the bushes with someone for all I care.


Other than that? He is listening to the same 5 or 6 depressing songs.

I live with my headphones on my head.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2726096 01/17/17 09:01 PM
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Things are quiet over here, eerily so. H keeps to his room and yet not always. When he is out of the dorm room he is back to his old favorite spot in the house. Every time I see him there, I am visibly startled. He gets me every time. It's like one of the ghosts that pop out in the Sixth Sense. Sometimes, out of my lips slips a surprised "oh, you're out of your room."

Other changes over the last month: he sometimes looks me in the eye. And he now always "sees" the dog and talks to him the way he used to do. It is endearing.

Last week, when I mentioned to him that he was always behind a closed door he told me he is sick a lot and "stays hidden." I do think this is a child coming forward. For those who have followed along, he was not well cared for as a child (at all) and I know he was frequently treated as a nuisance when he was sick. I am guessing he is in his safe place.

The kids and I offer to bring him tea or offer him help otherwise. (My boys are amazingly kind when I am sick!)

I forgot to mention that when we were back east, the first night we shared a bed, h made a derogatory comment about my pajamas. And indeed they were (intentionally) unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't wearing food stained sweats to bed, but the pjs were, well, let's just say, very comfy.

H made a snide comment that he guessed it wasn't going to be a teddy kind of night. I ignored it completely but it did shock me. Had I a quicker tongue I would have truth darted him and reminded him of his oh-so-charming letter. The idea of wearing anything sexy around him makes me feel like I would be playing out a scene from Mrs. Robinson.

A few months back one of my cousin's from Europe reached out and asked to come visit in the spring. I have only met him once. I had huge anxiety over it given h's reaction to family visiting last spring. I was trying to come up with an excuse to spare myself the experience but I just couldn't. I want to see them. They are good people and this will be one of the few times (maybe the only time) my kids will meet his kid. It may be the only time I meet their girl, too!

On a very sad note, they are coming 12 hrs. via plane, [with child in tow] to see me and h's family can't be bothered to visit. My MIL has never visited. She says she cannot leave her cat with her h. Ugh. My 105 lb. sister comes on a 12 hr. plane trip alone with her special needs son and my MIL can't leave her cat?!? My family is just tougher stock.

Fortunately cousin's wife does not speak English too well. And my cousin's English is decent but not stellar. I was hoping cousin would think the weird conversations w/h were due to his own misunderstanding of the English language. But now cousin says he is brushing up on his English and so is his wife! Ahhhh. And over the last few months email correspondence with cousin shows his English is indeed improving at an alarming rate!! Maybe I can convince h to learn and speak a language completely foreign to the rest of us?

I was also going to tell cousin that in America all h's sleep as far away from their wives as possible. Unfortunately, they are also visiting my other two siblings so they will see this is false. I will have to settle with telling them that things just work differerently here on the west coast.

I never told h they were coming. I just couldn't deal with it yet. At Xmas dinner my siblings started to discuss the visit and then I just dropped it on h that they were coming here, too. He seemed to take it well. He mentioned that they should see x,y and z before they leave. It did not seem to produce the same anxiety in him that he had last year. We'll see how that goes as the date approaches.

If I am getting a read that he's going to go back to his hunger strike (because he thinks I am poisoning him), I will recommend that he get away from the stress of it all. This will be hugely embarrassing and insulting that he isn't here to meet them but may be necessary for my own sanity.

Otherwise, the MLC beat goes on . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2726172 01/18/17 11:02 AM
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Quote:
H made a snide comment that he guessed it wasn't going to be a teddy kind of night.


You should have said "Well, hubby, you're not wearing your thong".

But honestly - his comment shows that on some secret level he was hoping maybe you would get intimate when you were forced to share a bed. If you want to reconcile you're going to have to figure out a way to forgive him for the crazy sh!t that he wrote when he was out of his mind.

kml #2726188 01/18/17 11:57 AM
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"I have read that the first 6 months after BD, they are on a high. They think escape was the elixir. I saw it with my own h who acted like a cheerleader heading to prom. Then, at about 6 months he did have the crash. It didn't fix a thing. He began to try other fixes."

Hi HaWho! I saw the above post on Altair's thread and wanted to ask you more about this, but I didn't want to hijack her thread. So here I am.

I would love to know more about this. Do you recall where you read this? My H is now at the 6 month mark so I am very curious about this.

Thanks for your help!!

FightOn #2726190 01/18/17 12:11 PM
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Fighton- always feel free to hijack my thread in the future! We shall see what HaWho has to say. In my case, H was maybe not high per se, but ACTIVATED. Motivated to do all bank stuff, move out every scrap, set up his apartment, get furniture, etc. It kept him very excitedly busy, which i guess was the high (?). But yeah, I think that stopped. Stopped working on apartment, stopped hanging photos-- probably on to the next fix.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2726198 01/18/17 12:47 PM
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KML -male thong - LOL! I know on an intellectual level you are right. And having seen him at his worst, I know there is a very real chance he does not even remember what he wrote in that letter. Re: teddy-gate, I was so shocked that he even thought of me that way. Still am. He just made it so clear that I was not at all what he wanted anymore. It probably seems cold to him if he does not remember the letter but I can't just pretend it didn't happen.

Fighton - the 6 month euphoria is probably a question for Job? I know she has written this in other people's threads. Maybe I saw it in Ciluzen's? The idea being that after they move out or get the divorce they are on a sort of high. They think this is "the fix." But somewhere around 6 months they realize it didn't heal their pain. This doesn't mean they are done and start to process, rather, they look for other fixes now.

And I saw this first hand. For the months after h told me he was "done," h was giddy as a school girl. He was occupied in all the busy-ness of this new phase of his life. He was still angry as a hornet and depressed but I think he was living off the high of change. He even told me he just needed to change his life. I think he just wanted to do anything. And I think at first he loved the freedom, until it seemed to grow stale. Then he started trying other external fixes. He still is.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2726204 01/18/17 01:07 PM
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Hi HaWho,
As usual... You seem cool as a cucumber. Glad you are feeling better.

Wanted to chime in on this timeline as I've kind of seen the same thing myself. The first 6-9 months, stbx was definitely livin large. He was planning parties at my house that would occur after I moved out, right in front of me. I remember him throwing his hands in the air shouting, I just want to have fun! Well, at the 6-9 month mark, he took a deep dive and didnt seem to be happy with his decision at all. He would even tell me that he wasn't having fun and he wasn't happy... This isn't what he wanted. (that didn't make him want to work on the m... Just search for more happiness). 6 months later.. He still couldn't find it, and felt that he was "ready to move on" and he filed for the D. i think it's very cyclical.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2726244 01/18/17 07:04 PM
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Hi HW. Popping in to check on you smile

In my H, I have definitely seen different stages of "highs". And yes, they each seem to last 6 to 9 months. It was all about freedom and partying with mystery friends at BD.

Then he moved out and his excitement was like watching a teenager move into his first place. He bought new stuff, shared lots of ideas for his place....2 years later it is unkempt and run down. His canopy that covers his precious truck has been ripped off since summer.

Then it became work. He is now a workaholic, it certainly runs his life. At first he was excited about his promotion, big ideas to make changes....now it's complaining and exhaustion.

I am waiting to see what his next fix will be, it's about that time for change.

Take care HW, you sound good smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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