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So, was the R with his mother ever restored, or is he not in touch with her Altair?

I also want to say that he is very much on the young side for possible MLC - more QLC? I haven't read much about QLC, but whilst crises have similar patterns - ie: life challenges, poor coping skills, projection (rather than ownership), seeking to change 'externals' running, avoidance - I think MLC has particular differences too...

I understand you want to reach out to him. But I also think he sees you as part of the problem just now. And I don't think the help needs to come from you. But I do think it is good that he is exploring all of this with a therapist.

Take care and focus on rebalancing yourself after the recent contact you had smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Personally, I think you are wise to give him a wide berth. Clearly he is quite confused. Keeping yourself out of the equation helps move him foreward. I know it sounds counterintuitive but if he's not seeing you and is still miserable, how can you be the problem? Let him eliminate you as one of his problem variables.

I have read that the first 6 months after BD, they are on a high. They think escape was the elixir. I saw it with my own h who acted like a cheerleader heading to prom. Then, at about 6 months he did have the crash. It didn't fix a thing. He began to try other fixes.

So, your h is at the 6 month mark now. He may be hitting a crash. Sounds like D is his next fix though clearly it makes ZERO sense as he is confused. Sad his IC is not telling him to slow down.

Don't prop him up! I did this and it's exhausting. Those are his issues to disentangle. Focus on you!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thank you Sotto. Yes, I have always thought QLC, but where is that forum lol. There are differences, of course, but many similarities.

No hair club for me or red sports cars, but tons of regrets and looking back and unresolved issues...so I feel OK here. Plus, *I* am of MLC age! Can I have one? Maybe I already did.

Relationship with mother never restored. I believe this is a huge problem. He never talked about it, but the more I read up on depression, this site, and so on the more I realized I think it is a huge problem.

Yes, I want to reach out and am part of the problem or at least perceived as part of the problem. He really needs to work on his issues, and he is and I am proud of him for doing so. If he were not seeing an IC I'd definitely have different opinions, but he is trying to work on himself. I also think he has quite a long road ahead of him on this work, regardless of me.


me 42 H 32
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Hey Altair, wow what a lot of information for you to process! IMO, the fact that he is telling you all this is a step in the right direction and maybe it's helping to clear the air a bit between you.

I agree with Job regarding D and how a piece of paper will make him less angry. It doesn't make sense.

I was going to say something different to Sotto with regards to reaching out to him. He has poured his heart out to you which must have been very hard for him. I don't think a text asking how he is would be pursuing I think it would be caring but that's JMO...


Me - 47
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D-16
M - 6 years
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Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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HaWho-
I will listen to you and not prop him up! He doesn't want to lean on me, either. I found out so much this weekend. I thought he was on a high, not at all the case. I do wonder about the IC sitch. She told him not to see me for awhile, I don't know if that still stands. Or if she is behind the new "friends first but slowly" mantra. That is something I wonder about, but don't ask (see: "propping up"). He asked a lot about me, how was my apartment, my life, everything. That was quite shocking. I kept my answers brief, and like i said listened more than anything.


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Hi Coly,
I agree, not everything adds up. But at least things make more sense than they did. I think, when I left, is when he started his breakdown. That does jive with friends' stories, culminating in BD. We know depressed people/qlc/mlc blame spouses very often. I think, as the years pass, that one won't stick. I hope not, but what can I do but hope that he finds healing in his tormented soul.


me 42 H 32
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It has been written that unresolved QLCs are the bullet train to MLC. Looking back now, I see my h was not meeting his markers successfully, either. Probably these are issues your h should have reconciled a decade or so ago. Hopefully he will take the time to square it away now.

I would tread lightly on talking too much to his mom about anything. You may think you know many of the issues. I thought I knew the worst of it in my h's sitch. But his trip back east revealed many things I did not know. I now find it very hard to be in the same room with his mother.

For all you know abandonment may be the least of it all.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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AAH yes, mistake here- when I refer to his MIL, that is not his biological mother. She is gone. My MIL is a sweet person-- but her, too, I don't get into this too deeply, I think she's worried to death about him so I try and keep things light when I say hi.

I agree- I think there is a LOT more to this story than I know. Sad and scared to find out, should I have that chance.


me 42 H 32
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Each and every person goes through life's transitions, i.e., teens, 20's, 30's, etc. If we don't navigate those transitions properly, then we are on the coaster to the downhill spot of MLC. The problem in many cases is that these crisis people don't have good coping skills and were stunted emotionally at a young age, i.e., in your h's case...abandonment issues.

I agree w/HaWho on speaking to his mother. Blood is always thicker than water and you don't want her talking to her son about your conversations and putting ideas into his head. It's best to step back a bit and allow him to work on these issues since he's been projecting a lot of his anger towards you.

Give him time and space to work on these issues. Be a good listener and offer advice only if he should ask for it. For now, he needs time to process what he has talked about. He's been carrying this baggage around for a very long time and now he needs to settle in and start unpacking and revisiting those areas of pain on his own. Just remember...you can't fix him because you didn't break him, but that doesn't mean you can't be a good listener and a friend when he comes to you for support.

For now, focus on you and your health issues. You can't be there for him if you are now well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2726076 01/17/17 04:55 PM
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Thank you Job. I have not spoken to MIL about any of this. He's going through a lot right now and I am letting him be. He is really concerned about my health issues, so I am trying a delicate balance of not leaning on him, and not keeping him out of the loop, as he insisted he wanted to be involved. So, working on all of this.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
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