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That's okay. I'll attempt to clean it up when it doesn't space properly for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: Altair
(AP, That's it! I've got the book I want you to read if you haven't already, or, read it again-- Kundera. The Unbearable Lightness of Being)
Thanks. My public library has a copy of it as an audio book that I am now on the waiting list for.

I finished cleaning out my book shelves on the weekend removing STBX's books. My heavens there were a lot of them along with piles of dust. I sent her a brief note asking if she wanted some of the book shelves - no answer. As I was cleaning I came across some old favourites that I haven't read in some time. I actually quite like children's books with AA Milne's Winnie The Pooh being a long time favourite. In fact I named my boat after the one that the silly old bear used. I may sit down and visit the Hundred Acre Wood this week with old friends.

It sounds like you are facing quite the conundrum in your situation. I'm not sure what advice to give you. We didn't break them, we can't fix them but it does sound like he wants you to ride along on part of his journey. A difficult choice. (((Altair)))


On BD
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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Andrew,

So, you are packing up her things, i.e., books and now have a bookshelf that you can get rid of and you contacted her about it. I would be surprised if she responded to your text about it. I would suggest that as you continue to purge your home of her belongings that you put any "excess" furniture in one room and when you are completed done w/the purging or when you settle up for the divorce, then contact her about the furniture. Until then, continue doing for you.

My advice still stands...leave her alone and stop texting her about trivial stuff. Unless it's an emergency or someone has been injured or died...leave her alone.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi AP,
Yes, this is quite the conundrum. Probably the biggest point right now: I didn't break him, I can't fix him.
He is still in the middle of a deep crisis. In telling me he wanted to rebuild our friendship, that he missed that more than anything, just makes me think he cannot handle any more than that right now. He's really managed to isolate himself. Here i thought he was holidaying with family, he barely saw them! MIL texted me this am asking how our conversation went. In a good way, things are shifting away from "us" or "me" as being the problem and now people are seeing the new single him and from the sounds of it, it doesn't look good.

The person I saw-- oh my gosh so fragile. Another obvious takeaway I learned from here- this whole situation will take a really long time to resolve, I'm glad I learned that lesson. I believe before I would have been more impatient.

He is in his thirties. He said his friends have changed since he left/came back, he has so much less in common with them. They are all having kids, etc. He said he feels I am the only person he has anything in common with.

Anyway. I don't recall ever hitting these depths-- but obviously, I'm not depressed. Well, one step at a time. I'm going to stick with GALs- workout today, acupuncture (!) lots of books to read (MLK day today).

Last edited by job; 01/16/17 09:39 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

me 42 H 32
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Hi All, I would love some advice. So, here's where things stand. H is spending a lot of time alone, waiting, doing interviews, hating career choice, depressed, missing me. Very upset. Not seeing anyone. Not wanting to.

Mentioned D, "to start over", some things he cannot let go of. Wants to work on friendship, slowly (as I said in prev post). So a bit more has come out, and hence my advice question.

I'm still going to DB, give him space, no R talks, be his friend, DB coach stuff, etc, with no expectations. (no ML, lol) What has come out, and is this MLC or BS or real, I don't know but it seems legitimate is what came out is when I left to take the job out here, he felt abandoned. We had discussed it a lot, he agreed, but now it has come out how angry he became about it, and detached from me. He says he cannot get over it, wants to let go of the anger of being left behind, thought I was selfish, doesn't trust me, etc. Thinks D could be one way to resolve situation.

To be clear: there's no money issues or any contention, D would literally be a few hundred bucks, one piece of paper, no lawyers. So he's not manipulating me or being nice to get something. He's hurt, confused, and now I am learning cannot get over his anger towards me.

Thoughts? He did say he is feeling better about rebuilding our friendship and wants to take it slowly, and no R or D stuff until later, until he figures out more about what is going on. Like y'all said, I'm waiting for him to reach out, maybe a dinner in a few weeks. He said he misses talking to me so much but doesn't know what to do about us.

Was having a terrible week, lots of family trouble, his own mental anguish. Thoughts? advice?


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Job- triple spacing did the trick!


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Altair - I have no R advice but one tech thought. Are you using a different browser / operating system? Unix default line breaks are often just a <LF> where other systems are <CR><LF>.

Reading it from here though it seems that you might be on the cusp of a new direction.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Do you know anything about his family? Did someone abandon him at an early age? Maybe a parent, friend, sibling? To me, it sounds like he has an abandonment issue that needs to be resolved and I think he's projecting on to you.

If his issue w/you was abandonment, he should have spoken up long ago about how he felt...not now...I think this is something that he needs to deal w/on his own because it's a childhood issue of some sort.

If he can't get over his anger w/you now, just how would a piece of paper help him? The anger would still be there and you would still be Altair.

Listen closely to what he's saying and then sift through the rubbish comes out of his mouth. There's more to this abandonment mess than meets your eye at this point and one more thing...don't feel guilty about leaving and take a job. Trust me, had he done the same to you, he wouldn't feel guilty one bit.

Don't take on his guilt...he needs to clean up his side of the street quite a bit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2726041 01/17/17 01:51 PM
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Job-- yes, his mother abandoned him when he was little. He said that in therapy, his IC thought that was the problem, and not me (although it does seem she is pushing for D, as these ICs do).

He also told me that he's not gotten to that in his IC work, and he doesn't feel like he's gotten very far at all with his self-work. And he'll freely admit he knows he should not be angry with me. I mean he really spilled it this past week, I listened, a lot, am now processing.

There IS a lot more to this abandonment mess than meets the eye. He doesn't know who he is, what he wants, etc. my leaving triggered something, along with a pile of other things that happened.

He said he has not been in touch with his feelings, ever, didn't know any of this, doesn't know, is very lost emotionally. He also accepts a lot of the fault of both of us not communicating.

One thing that I found interesting is that now when he has finally admitted his anger, his treatment of me has softened incredibly. He was not acting angry towards me at all, like he did during BD. He was kind, respectful, apologizing for his actions the past six months, crying.

I will try not to feel guilty about leaving him. It is true, it would have come out at some point-- something would have triggered a breakdown.

I'm going to stay steady, work on self. He is still going to IC. He's regretting huge decisions in his life he will totally admit having nothing to do with me. A few do, and I agree, but they aren't the bulk of the problem. I can't help it, I do feel some guilt, but also just deep worry about him too.

Knowing he most likely won't leave his apartment today makes me sad-- torn-- because if he were a friend I'd be sure to check up on him gently from time to time in a text. But in this case it seems like it would be pursuing.


me 42 H 32
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AP, I got linux, windows, and mac on this thing. Triple boot!

"Don't blame me, blame my browser"


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