losing my religion

[Westo]

Nope......just tried it (disabled) back to the drawing board

[AndrewP]

If you run into problems thinking outside the box, with the clues that you've been providing this morning, I'll give you a clue you have access to this area.

Also, there are a number of posters that post on FB. Some have DB behind their names on FB.

Put your thinking cap on and think like Sherlock.

Now you're challenging me

I've actually found a few of the people on this forum on Facebook but not reached out to them - the archives are a treasure trove of personal information. My own posts probably have enough information in them for someone to find me if they could stand going through all of that dreck that I've written To nobody's surprise I've written on the internet on a wide variety of topics of interest to me for many years using my real name. I could drop perhaps 2 hints that don't violate policy that would make googling me trivial but where's the fun in that now that I've been given a project.

This little white box has been a helpful place indeed. I still have a couple of months I believe before the Chianti has chilled properly. No rush to solve the mystery. Altair has her part to do in this as well.

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;
And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

[Westo]

Well....I'm well confused!

[job]

The mystery of figuring out how Andrew and Altair will communicate is for them to solve. It's a good way for them to focus on something other than their spouses and it is a good challenge for both since they have been discussing data gathering. LOL!

Be careful in dropping your hints.

Andrew, reach out to some of the FB posters. I'm sure they would be both surprised and happy to hear from you.

[Altair]

Oh wow, what a conundrum. I do love the puzzles though...

For the record, I am not on facebook. So that's a dead end.
what a beautiful poem AP, will have to look that up now.

As far as books you should read recommended by me-- hmmmm. I need to think about that (nothing on my table is remotely interesting-- all work stuff)

[Altair]

update:
saw H last night. lots of talking, tears. He wants to D. He thinks he's lost and needs to do his own thing right now. I listened. He said he loves me and misses me and I'm his best friend BUT he cannot be in a marriage right now. He hopes we can reconcile someday. Said he needs to work out so many things within himself. I said my DB-coach-trained answer, that I don't a divorce but I will respect your wishes. Talked all night about everything and nothing. Laughed. ML. Slept in each others arms. Talked about his job search. He might leave and he feels we need to D so he can start over.

I listened. A lot. To a person who is very lost and in a lot of pain. A lot happened over the past few years I've not mentioned here, but it took its toll on him, on us. Waking up in his arms with the sun streaming through the window I had tears in my eyes but (what are the words here) I felt a love for him so great and compassionate I could let him go and find himself. I love him so much that I didn't need to grasp onto the past, the dead marriage. I loved him so truly and openly I was able to let it all go- the pain of the past year, everything.

I think-- from this site-- that he thinks D will set him free from the entrapment he has chained himself in. It might! But, as we discuss here, it probably will not. D will not free him from the pain of life. Inside us, us, we are the only people who can set ourselves free.

I saw this kind, very confused person who has been reclusive the past few months (yes Job, he DID stare at the paint chips on the wall) and I felt nothing but love and hope and compassion. He asked me about me, what i was doing, how i felt, everything, and listened.

He made me breakfast and asked what now. I let him come up with his plan. He still wants some space (hi Coly) but he wants to rebuild our friendship (his words, his idea, is he the DBer or what?). He wants to be friends, he misses seeing me. I said how about in two weeks we have dinner, and he said yes, he would love that. In the two weeks I have another trip, but maybe we will meet for lunch. He told me he'd never met anyone like me, he couldn't bear to lose me, and can we work on just our friendship and table all the other stuff for now? I said YES. Then I made jokes about starting to bring a few sets of clothes over to his apartment and other incidentals and he laughed, like old times. He said I was his everything, but he was so lost right now, and sorry for everything, the pain he put me through, asking for D, which he thought was necessary to move forward. Again, asked if we could work on friendship. (ML again-- friendship??) This site, and Job in particular has taught me, this is his journey, and I must let him go on it and find himself. I love him so much my heart aches but I know what i must do.

We said our goodbyes and he excitedly told me he'll send me links to places he wants to eat. He checked my bald tires! He was him but not him. I was me but not me. There's a rocky road ahead but I've got this. I see the beauty in everything (particularly the starry sky).

[roist]

Wow what a post. Made me smile. A bit jealous too
Haha

I think it is great but I would lower your expectations.It could be the start of s new connection or just another twist on the roller coaster. Even if the first it may not be smooth.

Best wishes

[Altair]

Hi Roist,
I don't have any expectations. I think I'll get papers sent to me. I think we will probably D. I think he will get a job and move away. He's lost and on his journey, which may or may not include me, but for now, a lot of not.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, how are you my friend?

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and thought my phone had woken me but it hadn't so i thought I would have a quick look on the DB site, as most of you are awake when I am not, and saw your post. Rather than respond straight away I thought I would sleep on it because my first my reaction was whaaaat! He wants to D but still wants to build a friendship with you! He ML, tells you how much he loves you, how wonderful you are but still wants a D!

Now I've had time to think I still don't understand why he would want D. He says he doesn't want to be in the marriage right now . He's not. He says he wants to do his own thing. He is. So I guess you are right, he needs to see for himself that a piece of paper makes no difference. The only difference it might make, and I hope I don't upset you here, is that he gets to see other people guilt free.

Altair, I think you are a very compassionate person in that you see that you have to let him go as he is still so troubled. I am so glad you have been able to have this time with him but I am sad that he has decided to take this route. What are your plans now?

[Sotto]

Hi Altair, you may not like all that I am going to post, but I think it is important information to give and I hope in the longer term you will find it helpful. Firstly, can I ask how the contact came about - was it initiated by him or by you?

So, you now know that he is willing to come over, ML with you, whilst telling you he plans to D you. That gives you some insight into his current confused and conflicted state. Reading your post reminded me of my own situation - where XH told me that he loves me, I am beautiful and was the best wife to him. But in his situation, he wanted a new family now. I notice there is a difference in ages in your situation - do you mind if I ask what the position was with you both WRT a possible family together? I'm just wondering how much of a factor this may be?

Of primary importance in all of this is your emotional and physical wellbeing. In general, when a guy leaves a R and is feeling depressed, empty or whatever - he doesn't go off find a therapist and support group and start digging within. It is more probable that he may be casually dating, or on dating sites or whatever - seeking distraction and validation to avoid painful digging. So, do be mindful of this possibility and protect your own health.

In my situation, I spent an afternoon with XH and we had a lovely time. We linked arms and talked and talked. Had a big hug. He later told me that he felt swept away by love for me that day and wanted to hold my hand. I later discovered he already had tickets booked to see OW the following weekend and I haven't physically seen him since that day. I agree it seems incomprehensible (or perhaps less so as R with OW is ongoing) - but it is what it is.

So, I want to ask - given that you know his intention is to D - what is okay for you here? Is it okay for YOU to be friends and ML whilst the D process is starting? I would encourage you to think about healthy boundaries for yourself here - because the important thing he hasn't said is - I made a mistake, I want so much for us to try again.

I understand that the intimacy and closeness must have felt good after such a period of no contact. However, it is critical IMHO to see this for what it is - and what I see is a guy who wants to D - and ML to his W - and be friends with her - and possibly casually date etc....ie: he wants it all!!

My advice would be to step right back here and prompt nothing further. I wouldn't send him a little text in a week to remind him about that dinner invite. I woundn't presume this might be the start of more contact with him. I would shift your focus from him and onto your own life. On making that life full and complete without him. On working towards a place where you don't need him in your life or crave that intimacy. If you prompt contact and you guys meet again and maybe ML, I do feel you could be climbing into that rollercoaster car and strapping up for an unpleasant ride...

So, he has said he wants a D and he needs to work on himself. Okay - he knows that isn't what you want - but leave him to it and apply healthy boundaries (given all circumstances) in any contact with him. Other than that, make plans independent of him and move solidly forward in your own life. I'd love to hear what plans you do have for 2017, independent of your marital situation.

I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer and appreciate this may not be what you want to hear. But I have travelled this road for almost three years now and I hope the advice may be of some value.

Take care and do put yourself first (((((( )))))) xx