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#2724640 01/08/17 01:28 PM
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Altair Offline OP
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Ok here's my new thread.

That's me in the spotlight

Maybe not losing my religion but maybe losing my mind? I keep having the urge to reach out to my MIL and tell her I am starting to lose hope. I doubt I will do this and highly doubt it is a good idea. I'm really starting to feel the toll of the stress of this situation. This isn't good for me. my health...

Last edited by job; 01/08/17 01:33 PM. Reason: Corrected link to previous thread

me 42 H 32
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M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
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You have been at this for a couple of months longer than I have and I feel your pain and frustration...I have had this urge this weekend to reach out to my W and tell her to come home. Mine has been gone for 2 months, but has felt much longer...maybe because she was kind of closed off before that a bit. I have just had this strong urge to tell her. She is h@ll bent on D and knows that I don't want it, but not sure why I have had this urge either.

By telling your MIL, are you hoping for an answer from her?
Is she close with your H?
Would speaking with her change anything?


SBJ #2724670 01/08/17 03:39 PM
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Altair Offline OP
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SBJ-
If she is h@ll bent on D right now, asking her to come home probably not the best thing...
I don't know why I would reach out to MIL, she probably wants to stay out of the whole thing, based on the zero discussions I have had with her. She's close to H, but I don't know how much they've talked about this.
Would speaking to her change anything? Doubt it.
Nothing does anything when someone keeps begging for space. I think one can only do one thing: give space.
Just there will be a point where I will give all the space, because I'm tired of that phrase, I'm tired of being labeled as all of these horrible things that led to the needing of space, I'm tired of the BS of running for months and months. I'm weary of "giving space"-- the last time he said he needed more space apropos of nothing! I which I could just disappear to an island and never been seen again. That be my fantasy way of "space giving".


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I did all of the wrong things at the beginning of this, but I have begun the detach phase. I spoke to family and friends hoping that they'd talk some sense into her.

Yet I still deep down want this woman. Maybe it's the wanting something you can't have thing.

I just sat thru a church service with my W and our 3 kids...just begging God to speak to her. I guess I have to rely on having it done in his time. It was tough watching her and my two youngest drive away. The saving grace is that my oldest has moved back in with me from college. It's nice not to be in a quiet house.

I pray for peace for us all that are in this trial...it is definitely the tough test struggle I have ever been involved with.

As for your island theory...how about a sail boat. That way there would be solitude, but we could actually explore many different places. Sounds like something to add to my bucket list for retirement.


Me 49 W46
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S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2724694 01/08/17 06:59 PM
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Altair Offline OP
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That's really nice to have the older S back with you. I didn't speak to anyone to try to talk sense into H, does it make any difference, probably not.

I have taken sailing lessons, so yes to the sailboat.


me 42 H 32
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The only thing talking did was infuriate her...she spewed that I was trying to fix her and there wasn't anything to fix. That was eye opening to me. As a fixer I saw us as broken after initial BD and there was much room for improvement...she then took off with the MLC script and ran with it. She has told many different people different things, but I guess that doesn't matter either. I only have control over me and how I can raise my kids...hopefully steering them in the right direction in life.

Prayers for strength and peace!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2724700 01/08/17 09:07 PM
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Altair Offline OP
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Sounds about how the script goes...
Everyone will tell you to focus on your kids, of course.
Stay strong SBJ.


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Originally Posted By: Altair
Just there will be a point where I will give all the space, because I'm tired of that phrase, I'm tired of being labeled as all of these horrible things that led to the needing of space, I'm tired of the BS of running for months and months. I'm weary of "giving space"-- the last time he said he needed more space apropos of nothing! I which I could just disappear to an island and never been seen again. That be my fantasy way of "space giving".
Altair - Thank you for the visit over to my thread and your kind words.

Because I think our brains work similarly I thought while reading this to suggest a "mental trick" that I tend to use professionally as well as personally. When something doesn't work or the solution seems impossible I will "turn the problem upside down". Reading this made me think that you are perhaps unconsciously starting to do that in your "fantasy". For some reason it also reminded me of the character "Wonko the Sane" from Douglas Adams' "So long and thanks for the fish". That character believed the entire universe was mad and so built a house inside out to make the inhabitants of asylum comfortable.

Current problem definition - H "wants space" so you've "given space". He's demanded something that you have kindly provided. Is that the reality though? It may be one of them.

Another way of looking at this is that he is in a box and you are outside of it. In my own sitch my STBX left to get "away from the noise" and to live her fairy-tale princess land life. The lies and the deceptions involved put her into her own box where she remains seemingly afraid of her own shadow while I was able to live outside the asylum, make new friends, become comfortable again in my own skin and to remain proud of who I am.

Perhaps you haven't "given him space". Perhaps he's crawled into a tunnel while you have the entire cosmos to roam free and proud through and to shine in. He can wallpaper his tunnel with all the labels that he wants. The labels can't stick to you because you aren't there. You my dear, are as FREE as you choose to be.

Just a thought.


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Forgot about Wonko the Sane! Thanks for the memory.
RIP Douglas Adams!!
I agree wholeheartedly, that his space is some sort of dirt tunnel. Or the Crab Nebula-- who knows.
In the meanwhile, I am self-DBing, which I think is going pretty well. For example (this is for my Toronto trip BTW) I asked some colleagues to work on the piece with me, they took it, never consulted me, totally screwed up what I asked for, made up their own data interpretation-- of course I have to re-do the whole thing. I asked them to do some background stuff-- NOT the analysis but they were so gung-ho I guess wanting to impress our boss they royally gummed up the data piece.
Neither of them has the stats background or chops to do this...
Let's see, before really DBing, hmm, I may have laid into them (but most likely not). I probably wouldn't have run to the boss either (this has definitely happened to me before, same situation).
So, what is different? Well, I would have been very upset yesterday data wrangling with a mess. I would have thought to myself, I would never ever hire these people to work for me or recommend them (still true). I probably would have complained to H about how horrible my co-workers are, they don't listen, do things they are not remotely qualified for then sloppily make data up, etc.
That's the piece, then, that I won't do moving forward, in any relationship. I need to learn to be more flexible, more understanding, kinder (?) because, as we all here know: IT DOESN'T MATTER. It doesn't matter that my colleagues screwed up one project. It's a tiny facet of my week, there are so many more important things to look at or dream about than obsess over this!
I would like to think I didn't complain to my H about every little thing, but I know I can strive to be more positive, a better Altair. Even in heartbreak.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Joined: Aug 2016
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Altair Offline OP
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PS A.P. I will be thinking of space today. No wonder he is asking for space! He is trapped in a tiny container of his own creation and feels trapped in it. Great paradigm shift!


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
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