The high road: rocky with a great view

[leahsue]

I agree, Ciluzen. I, too, LOVE to read your words. You have a gift for word pictures. And although I feel so bleak today in my own sitch, just reading your words gives me hope that even if my M ends in divorce, I can still use this time to re-invent myself. I just wish I had the energy and body strength at 59 that I had 15 years ago, when I began this journey with H. My sister is in a 35 year marriage with a man (who I love like a brother) in the mid-stages of Parkinson's, and it was a dead marriage with them living as roommates, even 5 years b4 the diagnosis. So she is in a very trapped situation, and it's slowing growing worse each day. She told me not long ago, you know, I know you hate where you are in your love life right now, but if I thought for a second that I could just start over like you, right now, I'd be so happy and free.
Goes to show you, none of us are ever appreciative of where we are, and someone else's story can either make us more thankful, or more wistful, for something we don't have.
Today I'm trying to be thankful for what I DO have, and that's my health, my children, my friends, my dog (named Leah BTW), my home, my air conditioning, my cozy bed, and most of all, my freedom.

[Gordie]

Wonderful update. You sound like you are doing great. You are such an encouragement.

[bttrfly]

sweetie i read your updates and wonder why he insisted on a divorce.

could just be me, but he seems to take every opportunity to keep tabs on you and your new space.

keep living your life.

i'm not going to say you'll get back together, but i am going to say it feels to me like he'll be back and you will be the one to ultimately decide what your relationship will become moving forward.

I just don't think this is over yet.

i love your GAL and positive mental attitude.

xoxoxoxo
MWAH! :*

[ciluzen]

Hey everyone! Thanks for reading along. The support and nice words are, as always, very much welcomed and appreciated.

Ownit, your comments about my writing make me feel all warm and fuzzy! Thank you. I never thought of it that way...I just lay it out there (with lots of typos!).
I don't speak of Bubbles because, after much work, I've finally realized that Job and everyone else who told me she doesn't matter, were right. XH heard all about my feelings about her early on and others, including our eldest D, let him know their feelings about her once I stopped. He NEVER mentions her to me. Thoughts of her are fleeting, still carry with them a tinge of anger, but now I realize she's drawing her own Karma and is a damaged person. Not my problem.
I don't think she was ever a romantic relationship for him...I think she was fun and always very social, always doing fun activities and bringing people in to our life (and his practice!). The opposite of me, who just followed him around to each activity that he attended. And when I started to feel like a third wheel, I stopped attending while he continued...voila! He chose fun party girl over me. She literally grew his clientelle, as well, with her social skills.
However, if she is another mother to him (which I doubt) that won't work...he rebelled against that in me and would with her, as well. They are sort of similar in many ways, but more like brother and sister.

As to the kids, he has always been closer to D26. He continues to talk more to her than any of us and has started realizing how much he needs help with the upkeep of the river house without me there, so he has been asking D26 and her husband to come help. Part of her anger that I've been sensing is that she is put in the position of having to be my replacement in some ways, when really she is working a crazy schedule and is trying to be a good wife to her own husband. The river is an hour and a half from his office and apartment. After work, he has no responsibilities on the wekend. She and her husband are also an hour and a half away from the river, but their schedules are crazy with a new business, and D26's two other jobs. She's had to learn to say no to her father to keep her sanity when he begs (her word) her to come up to the river.
D25 has always butt heads with him, and I can attest to how difficult she is to deal with now with her mental illness. He really just relies on me for info and periodically says hi to her. I think it gives him some comfort that she lives here. I know he feels helpless in dealing with her.
He told D26 she didn't have to do anything for Fathers Day for him...not sure if he said anything to D25, though I did remind her to call. So...he spent that alone, more than likely.

Your idea, Ownit, about learning my home and seeing how it feels is interesting. Time will tell. He's a complex guy with some major foo issues that I'm only now scratching the surface of. I realized this morning that for the first time ever (since our D), our conversations this weekend never once turned to his parents.

I'm glad my story gives hope, at least that people can be friends. I dont know if we're quite comfortable yet to say "friends". I have to say, we're still dancing around trying to forge a new relationship of some sort, not really trusting each other and communicating on the edge of our statements with nervous smiles and side glances (from him), and full facing eye contact and confident smiles from me. We'll see.

[ciluzen]

Leahsue, I'm sorry things feel bleak right now. I have those days, too. Its like being an amputee...you know you just lost a major part of you and that which made you feel whole. But you slowly get used to doing things differently until you can't remember how you did it before. The bigger the limb, the harder it is. And its about attitude. My father in law chopped off his ring finger on his dominant hand while woodworking, went back to work a few days later, and then once it healed, told people that finger always got in the way while he was working anyway (it actually did!). Much harder to loose the entire arm or a leg, of course, but although the people with that type of loss struggle, its the attitude that makes the difference.

You're right, as is your sister. You have freedom. I'm glad you are thankful for that because that is a very helpful attitude. But I challenge you to take that one step further, if I may? Create NEW things to be thankful for. You said you had freedom. Go out and test some limits...things you were/are afraid of; things you wanted to try, but set up your own (mental) roadblocks to (I'm too shy, broke, weak, old, awkward). Dig deep...it may be the mouses tail of a quick thought disappearing into a crack. Pull it out and really take a look at it. How can you try it? Google the ways. Then do it! I guarantee that you will either be thankful for the opportunity, thankful for the new "thing' in your life, or even thankful that you never have to do it again cause that was the most horrible thing you ever tried and it really s&*ked! But you'll have the STORY...and maybe even pictures!

You have freedom and are thankful for it, but what are you going to do with it?

[ciluzen]

Annnnnnd...on another note...D26 just called from a hospital near the river house. XH had her drive up to take him there as he was in severe pain. He is being prepped for surgery to remove his appendix right now. I'm being told she has it "all under control" and that I shouldn't come up. I can't stand the thought of him being in pain, but I'm in this XW land and I'm not allowed to do anything. D26 is in charge right now. So I have to go through her. I don't know if those are her wishes or hers. This really bites.

[OwnIt]

Ugh, that doesn't sound pleasant. Perhaps if you texted him so he would know later that you were concerned and wanted to be there for him.

[GiannaS]

Exactly! I agree with @OwnIt

[bttrfly]

limboland aka exville (which auto-corrected to exile, don't tell me Apple doesn't have a send of humor) is a precarious place.

I would ask D26 if this is coming from her or him and I would also text him.

xoxoxo

[leahsue]

Yes, ^^^^ all this. Text him so later he can see you were there in spirit. Too bad there's no manual for XW-land.